As Mistress wrote in Her post, our time together for our last visit was wonderful. As seems typical, it was not what either of us seemed to anticipate, but when the weekend was done, it was exactly what both of us needed. It was kind of amusing to me to hear Her wistfully apologize for a lack of kink. Once I reminded Her of some of the things we did together, She realized there was no need to apologize - even if She had been correct in Her assessment.
So, what happened? Well, for one thing: There just isn't enough time to fit in everything that we want to do (so we focus on what we need). This means there is always some activity that has been left out of our lineup, and it can be easy to miss it. If you go to a buffett expecting fried chicken and they have everything but fried chicken; then you will likely go away filled, but you will still miss the fried chicken that you initially wanted. It doesn't mean the buffett was inferior in any way. It just means that you are human and our desires truly are infinite.
For another thing, neither of us feels particularly kinky when we are enjoying each other. The menu of activities assuredly fall in the realm of BDSM/kink. But we are simply being authentic with each other. We are just us.
Every person has to manage several roles they present to the world. You are the same person at work and at home, but in one place you are an employee and in the other you might be a parent. Those roles demand different behaviors. Our responsibilities require that we put off things we want and that we prioritize our needs. Mistress and I didn't have to do that when we were together because we walled off the world and just concentrated on each other. When we did that, time seemed to crawl by, allowing us to milk the most out of each moment. Oddly, when we were done, the time seemed to have passed all too quickly.
Athletes call this "being in the zone." The only other way I've experienced it is when I'm writing, playing music, or when I'm repairing a mechanical device. It's a nearly addictive state of being. It feeds your soul and consumes it completely. It's why I immediately know that I enjoyed our time together, but it takes a few moments for my memories to access the details. In effect, it doesn't matter what we did, it just matters that we did it together (this, incidentally, is why I think it is so hard to be apart, too).
It is also what allows us to not worry about straying into non-BDSM/kinky territory. We can play Scrabble or watch TV. We can go shopping, or we can read poetry to each other. It isn't because we have had enough of the kink and we need a break (um...I don't think that's possible). It's that being wrapped into each other allows me to enjoy the authentic entire person that Mistress Delila really is. She has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything but the kinky/BDSM stuff...but she also has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything that is kinky/BDSM stuff. She isn't a cardboard cutout Mistress - She's a real person.
And I love all of Her.
For the love
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Life Beyond The Kink
Most of you know that My tomio and I do not live together at this time. It is difficult because our relationship is so much more than The Kink. There are a lot of D/s couples who have only The Kink and that's cool too. Our relationship started as Kink and became so much more. So as it turned out, life circumstances (it has been a difficult time!) had kept us apart for an extended period of time. While we talk multiple times a day, the skin contact is something that we both need, and without that, we both suffer.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
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