Why I Write (and do not engage in public speaking)

There was a time when I didn't know I was submissive. At this point in my life, it seems strange to say that, but it is a fact. Self-awareness came slowly to me, and it took a lot of effort to understand what I need from a life partner. I don't regret my path because it made me who I am, but I do wish I could have spared some of the pain that I caused other people. Like George Orwell fighting totalitarianism with his typewriter, I write because I believe my experience has made some things much more clear than others.

There is also the impetus of reaching out to others who struggle. While 50 Shades may get many people talking about kinky things, it isn't, from the bits and pieces I've seen, much of a resource for those who are seriously curious. Just today I saw a young man ask, in an obviously tortured emotional state, why he is drawn to FemDom porn when he has never experienced submission to a woman. The answer, of course, is that he finds it erotic for reasons he hides from himself. I suspect that he may feel repulsed after he masturbates because he believes such things are not what "men like me" should enjoy. Human desire being what it is, he soon finds himself searching the internet for more anonymous satisfaction.

As Mistress has written, we are not public about the details other than in our writing. It just isn't so important to parents and siblings and cousins that we invite them into the details of our love. They either wouldn't care, giving us space to be happy and fulfilled, or it would create distrust and resentment. Either way, we would remain as we are. With no real upside and large potential downsides, we opt for in-person privacy, pulling aside the curtain around our relationship only as we feel prudent for our writing.

What does it say about us that we can walk through the world with our privacy intact? Not much, really. But there is the implication that the roles we share with each other do not bleed over into our interactions with other people. In other words, She can be entirely in charge of our romance and still be a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and more, without needing to be in charge of everything. I can be a father, brother, son, uncle, and more, without anyone knowing that I willingly surrender everything to Her.

Because we do not live fictional lives, the specifics of what we do will never conform to what others might expect or fit with any preconceived notions of what FemDom is or isn't. It is what She needs and enjoys and it is what I need and enjoy. What more does any loving relationship need? Why should anyone be ashamed or diminished because they have a love that not only sustains them, but allows them to stretch for the limits of their potential?

The obvious answers are "nothing more" and "they shouldn't". In a fairer world, those words would roll over every tongue. But, as anyone who is old enough to read this can attest, we don't live in a fair world. The arc of time still stretches towards that goal, but it has not yet attained it.

It has been said that the optimist believes we can live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears that we already do. Until my optimism fades, I will continue to write in order to advocate and educate. But I will do so from behind a veil of privacy so that I may find greater satisfaction in my life while I may.

Undercover Mistress

We all know that there is still an unfair stigma attached to the Kink.  "They" think we are gnarly biker sorts, with wild hair, wild eyes, chains and leather on every bit of clothing, tattoos creeping up our necks and bad teeth.  They also think that BDSM has to be dark and ugly.   None of that is Me.

I am well-dressed and fashionable.  I have lovely hair and nice white teeth.  I have one modest tattoo that was a gift to myself when I turned 40.   My eyes are soft and kind, as is My smile. I am, however, Dominant.  I despise being called honey or sweetie.  I do not tolerate men degrading women, or each other for that matter, and I have been described as "intense."  If I get pissed off, hell hath no fury like mine, but I tend to be fairly even tempered. I love shoes...OMG I love shoes! I am an unabashed flirt.  I can't help it, its just my nature.  I don't mean to flirt, and don't even mean anything by it, but its just how I function. LOL  Honestly I am not really even aware of it until later, or if someone calls me on it.  There was a young waiter at a restaurant that I frequent.  He would scramble to get to my table. A crook of the finger or a pout of the lip and he was all but sitting in my lap.   It used to make my friend fall over laughing.  She would roll her eyes and say that my Scorpio was showing.  HEHE  Ok that one was intentional...   so what I am trying to say is almost no one around me has any clue about my bedroom preferences. The men at work would never dare tell a dirty joke in front of me.  This is how I feel it is supposed to be.  No one needs to know what others do in the private time and private space.  Even if there was no stigma attached, My lovestyle is Mine.

Sigh, OK its not private when I talk about it here!  LOL But this also is a forum to discuss such things.  We are working to remove the stigma, and help people to embrace their own realities.   I will never go to a "munch" or a kink event, because I would not be comfortable there.   I like to talk to like-minded people, but I like to keep them at a distance.  I hate to be judged and more than once I have been called a "powder puff" or a "fluff."  My Kink lacks the brutality that some think is required.  Too fucking bad,  I like My Kink,  It serves MY needs and My tomio's needs perfectly and it does not need to conform to anyone else's rules or guidelines.  As a Sensual Dominant, I love that I can bind tomio up, spank, torment and bite him until he is whimpering, then cuddle up, kiss him gently and tell him how much he is loved.  It feels good.  It feeds my hunger and his and in the end THAT is all that matters.

Our Kink is not for everyone.  It does not have to be for everyone.  Some like things that we don't and vise versa.    The beauty of the kinky world, and the world in general  is that it comes in all sorts of colors and flavors,  All you need is a like-minded partner and the willingness to try new things.  Have fun, be safe, and get your Kink on!

Sorry for the long absence-- Life is just life!

Hello Fine Readers!
We are still here, still together and still rolling in The Kink.    This blog might be a little bit fragmented, because there is a lot of stuff that I want to touch on...

First, Winter Sucks.  There is snow literally up to my ass in New England at this point, and in case I never mentioned it, I am tall!   It's bullshit, I hate it and there is nothing I can do about it.  Control Freaks like Me hate shit like that!  So there.  It sucks, time to move on.

It's Valentine's Day.  I hope you made it a happy one!  I was greeted this morning with the most loving and wonderful text that it brought tears to My eyes!  The way that tomio loves me is unlike any love I have ever felt.  It's the kind of love people dream of, write of and paint for...  the kind I never thought I would find.  I am grateful for him every day!    I love you smoochieface!    Yes, yes the mean Dominant Mistress of Wickedness just called him a silly name.  Deal with it.  LMAO!

The other thing that Valentine's Day means this year is the release of 50 shades of bullshit, the movie.  While it amuses me to no end that churches and the uptight citizens brigade is all up in arms about the the movie, the reality of it is that, as I pointed out in My blog of July 2012, the books SUCK! They are baldy written, filled with the lamest sex scenes in history, loaded with inaccurate stereotypes of BDSM play, and worst of all it portrays blatant abuse as Kink.   I am not going to rehash all of that nonsense, I wrote it once, go read it here, http://fortheloveofdominance.blogspot.com/2012/07/50-shades-of-you-have-got-to-be-kidding.html

While I am not going to get into it all, I can't believe that they made a movie out of it!  Now all of the people who don't read, but still think BDSM is something they want to see, are going to go and get an eyeful of BULLSHIT!  They are going to see systematic abuse wearing the guise of Kink.  They are going to see a depiction a man being able to remove someone's consent by having them sign a piece of paper that they do not understand.  They are going to see rape, emotional abuse, neglect, mistreatment, maniacal control and all of it is going to wrapped up in a phony package called BDSM. Once I was hopeful that it would open the door for people to stop thinking of it as dark, creepy, dangerous and scary.   I wanted people to be able to see it a just another way people interact and private way to get needs met between two consenting adults.  That was a pipe dream.  This is going to color it darker and increase the stupidity level.   I am so disappointed and angry about it...  I can't even express myself correctly.

Ok so on to a more vibrant note.  We are still here, still kinky and still very much in love.  There have been emotional times over the past 8 months, medical issues, money issues and stress.  Lots of stress, but we push through it all.  There have been times when our visits were not about the kink at all, but about two people with the need for loving contact.  We have cuddled and watched movies and sprawled in bed, wrapped up in a bundle of arms and legs, just staring at the TV.   It's OK to do that, because its what we both needed.  We talked about needs and wants.  Sometimes we had big plans for all sorts of naughty deliciousness only to have the actually time dissolve into tears and needs that were well outside of the Kink...

Here's the thing:  We are a couple that is involved in Kinky things, we play Kinky, we having Kinky toys and talk Kinky. I am always Dominant. That part never changes because it is a not a role that I play, it is who I am.   My tomio is always submissive.  It is who he is. But the bottom line is that we are still PEOPLE.  We have wants, needs, hungers, fears, feelings and our time together is about filling the voids and making it all right again.  Sometimes that is not Kinky.

That being said, our last visit we found our way back into the full blown Kink (Wicked grin) and it was good, damn, it was good!

The last couple of months have been...challenging. If you've read through this blog; then you know that Mistress and I live apart. Although we have daily contact and may actually talk to each other more than people who live together; the actual in-the-same-room time is limited. Generally, we get a single weekend a month with maybe a day-trip tossed in between.

We didn't see each other for the entirety of June.

It's just the demands of our lives. We had a weekend late in May and vacation was scheduled for early July. Because funding is limited, we had to choose whether to have more time together at vacation and skip overnight trips in June, or have our regular trip in June and then see vacation reduced to little more than an average trip. We chose to have four days together in July.

We also planned a day-trip for June. The plan was for us to meet at a small waterpark in Connecticut (with my kids present) and to have a long, fun-filled day. However, those plans were cancelled because both of my kids got in trouble at school. We can't reward bad behavior, so the adults ended up losing out because of the kids. This is just how parenting goes. It was the right decision, but it was a last minute change that took away the only time we could have had together in June.

Such a lengthy time apart is not easy for me (Mistress has Her own challenges - but She can speak about them, if She wishes). I have the demands that come with parenting a set of very active seven-year-olds who are way too smart for their own good. I love them, and I cannot imagine a life without them, but they are exhausting. Unlike my childhood, they are not left unsupervised for lengthy periods and I plan daily events with them and for their benefit. This means that I am often as tired as they are by bedtime - or earlier.

There is also the very human need for touch and affection that goes (somewhat) unmet during these times apart. Yes, I get a lot of hugs and kisses from my kids, and they are enough to keep me going. But there is a level of touch and affection that they cannot possibly give me. There is a hunger for Her touch that nothing else can relieve. The only bright spot in that hunger is that I know, in a short time, I will feel Her touch again. When we are together, I drink in Her touch like a sponge, charging my "touch-batteries" for our time apart. This helps me get through our time apart, although I always melt into Her embrace as soon as I can.

Having an unexpected delay in recharging my batteries makes it more difficult to bear being apart. The sudden loss of an expected day-trip was emotionally draining for me. It was like being punched in the gut while the rug is ripped out from under my feet. But I'm an adult, so I push through it. As I often say, "The only way out is through."

I feel like I need to make something clear at this point: I gladly suffer the loss of Her touch. There is no other touch from anyone else on earth who could take away the pain of not feeling Her feel me - and if there were, I would refuse it until She could lay hands on me again. As much as I hate being away from Her, I have come to accept and even enjoy the pain of being away. It's hard to explain, but if it didn't hurt to be away; then it wouldn't be so good to be in Her presence. I guess that either makes sense or it doesn't. I can't explain it better. The point is: I'm not complaining that it hurts to be away from Her, I'm just describing it. She makes it worthwhile.

Of course, there are also the kinky needs that throb with hunger, too. I want the combination of pleasure and pain that She grants me. Again, if I had the freedom to seek satiation with another; then I would refuse it. I know that some people hold their emotions separate from their kink - but for me they are tied together in an extremely tight package. I could (theoretically) feed the desire for sensation, but I would still be left hollow inside if it came from anyone but Her. Again, not complaining - I'm glad to have someone I can yearn for - I'm just describing things.

Additionally, there is a strain on my finances. My paychecks come and go with the school year, and I don't qualify for unemployment (in part because my job doesn't pay enough for enough weeks...). I get the benefit of spending summer with my kids, and not having to pay for childcare...but it comes with a lot of anxiety over bills and worrying over every dollar that goes out of my wallet. At best, my next paycheck will be in October. Depending on several factors, it could be less than expected. (My quasi-employment status is something I've been trying to change for some time, but the suck-ass economy has made changing careers difficult.)

So there have been the emotional demands of parenting, along with the physical exertion of it. There has been the aching for Her touch. There has been the longing for sensation and release of emotional-energy. There has been worry over finances. Then there has been one more monster hiding in my closet...

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It isn't tied to any specific happening in my life - it isn't episodic. It is like the free-floating sense of dread that comes with anxiety, but with sadness. I am extremely fortunate to have access to medication that keeps it under control. Believe me, I am thankful for that - and for the people who make it so. Even in the best of times, it lurks in the shadows. I count every day that I get out of bed and get happy to be a victory. Sometimes, just holding it down to a level of grouchiness is a victory.

As I've learned to live with it, I've learned what triggers it. All of those needs that I described? They serve as triggers, to some extent. I've learned to avoid HALT (Hunger, Angry, Lonely, Tired) feelings because they can spiral quickly. I've learned to eat well and exercise. I've learned to process emotions in small helpings so they don't build up. I deal with it, but it's always there. It makes good times slightly less enjoyable, and it makes hard times even harder.

I made it to our vacation, though. For two days, we had only to worry about each other. She picked me up at the train station and we spent the day holding hands and touching, having lunch and shopping. Then we checked into our hotel and collapsed into each other. We laugh and loved and all of my needs were fed. It was a wonderful time, and it went by far too quickly. It made the time apart worthwhile, by a longshot.

Then we picked up my kids and had two more days together. Obviously, the activities were different, but the hotel where we stayed had a separate sleeping room for adults. That gave us a bit of privacy, and I was grateful for that. Still, the dynamics are different when there are kids involved, and we are both mindful of managing what children are exposed to - you know, like adults SHOULD do when kids are around.

Those two days were over quickly, as well. Four days of heaven that were somehow simultaneously enough and yet not enough. If vacation is judged on how many recovery days are needed; then I needed two and a half. Of course, all the same stressors are present that were there before vacation - but my touch batteries are recharged and I can make it through to our next weekend. In the meantime, I will focus on being a good dad and making the career change that will allow Mistress and I to be together.

Funny you should ask...

Mistress has been very patient in my reluctance to write this post. My reluctance doesn't stem from either shyness or from lack of material. It's just that I love what She wrote so much that I feel like anything I offer would detract from it.

Here I go anyway...in a round about fashion.

I have an acquaintance that is a professional comedian. He is a great person to bounce jokes off of because he has a professional laugh that he is willing to give to almost any level of comedy. But if he knows a person well enough, he will tuck that away and give you his comedian face. It is completely blank and even his eyes shutter as he automatically moves to considering the intellectual angles that compete with the earthly shades of humor. In this mode, you know that you are onto something when he takes a drink and says, "Yeah, that has legs. Let it run." If you can make him actually chuckle - even a little - then you have a gem.

When laughter is the coin of the realm, then even a chuckle is expensive.

Laughter is a coin that Mistress and I spend back and forth endlessly. We are both quick witted and our conversations often contain wry observations and puns that, I know from experience, leave some people exasperated and confused. One of the things I love about Her is that She is so nimble mentally, and we rarely race ahead of each other by much. So I could give dozens of examples of things that made either of us laugh, but that really doesn't do justice to the joy we bring to each other.

Like love, the best parts of laughter are those that grow and build on each other. Like building a parfait (Who doesn't like parfait?), each layer balances on the next. Each layer can be savored in its own right, but it is when one cuts down through it and gets the whole experience that one can truly understand what they have in their hands. Or mouth. Or spread over their genitals... (and I'm not saying that has happened...or that it hasn't happened...)

At some point, we were discussing all of the slang that is connected to naming a pussy. Bearded clam. Snatch. Va-jay-jay. Cookie. We agreed that none of them actually made it sound like something a guy would like to get face-to-face with on an intimate basis. The closest we could come was the word "pussy" - which became "cat" - which became "kitty" - which somehow morphed into "Purr." We agreed that this was an acceptable term because, among other things, I can make Her purr (just give me half an hour and a semi-comfortable flat surface...).

Since Purr is dominant, we gave Her a title - Ms. Purr. However, I felt it necessary to give Her a last name, because, after all, it isn't just any purr that I'm talking about. It is Ms. Purr MaGucchi. Then, of course, She needed a proper title. "International Vag of Mystery."

I have to explain that the title came to me as I considered Purr MaGucchi to be an excellent super-spy - better than James Bond at getting the men to talk. That led directly to Her theme song:

She's the vag who never runs from danger
With dagger and cloak she's always a perfect stranger
Where others fear to tread, she's never filled with dread
Odds are she will leave you sad tomorrow
Purr MaGucchi's here! Purr MaGucchi's here!
You know that you're in danger
When Purr MaGucchi knows your name!

Laugh all you want, but how many of you have genitals with their own theme song? Yeah, I thought so.


This would be funny if left alone, but I can never leave things well enough alone. So I decided that my genitals ALSO needed a name. After all, Purr MaGucchi needs an arch enemy...

Pierre Baguette was born! Well, he got his name, anyway. This also led to the often-dropped catch phrase, "Well, Pierre is a dick!"

Pierre, however, does not have a theme song. Yet. He is pushing for something strong and dramatic, but will probably end up with something silly.

As it turns out, Pierre is not a good arch enemy. Because, well, he's a dick. Dickishness is not really a crime. So it was decided that he is the side-kick/love-interest for Purr MaGucchi. She might return his affection if it weren't for his constant companions, the Numnutz twins - Lefty and More-Lefty. (I just made that up.) Right now, She is enamored with Slurpy Licking. (That, too.)


The birth of a villain is always shrouded in tragedy, and this story is no different. One of the things I love to do for Mistress is to shave Her legs. So, recently, I was doing that and Mistress decided that it was time to go do something else. The intent was that I was finish the job later that day. Sadly, it didn't happen that way.

So as we lie together, grieving for Her one unshaven leg - Juan-Harry L'egg was born! From the hard-scrabble stubble of neglect, he has declared that Purr MaGoochy will never know another night of peace!

Yes, he has a theme song:

Aye yai yai-yai
Juan-Harry L'egg
You cannnot shave me away!
I'll be back tomorrow anyway!


Yes, in the middle of all the ki-fu*, there is still plenty of time to love and cuddle, and yes - to laugh. God help us if the laughter ever stops.


*kinky fuckery

On the lighter side of the Darkness

Its a New Year! Welcome 2014!  Okay, I know that its MARCH...but with work and life and snow up to My ass... writing has not been on My mind.  Trying not to freeze when the polar vortex or whatever shit they are blame for the cold has been My main focus.  The holidays are long since done and finally, life can get back to normal-ish.  Everything is normal-ish...  since we are technically still living outside the norm.  But we have our own norm and that is a good place to be.

Last year we had some rough times, but things are actually quite good between Us and that is a very good feeling.  I know some of you suspected that we had blown apart.  Not likely. We are good, things are good and that's that.  So says Me, and I am the boss!  HEHEHE

The stereo-type of BDSM is dark and serious... its often hateful and angry and negative.  Some people like that, and some need it.  As we have said over and over... if that is your thing, enjoy it.  Its just not OUR thing.  We like cozy, cuddly, slightly wicked...ok sometimes very wicked...and we like to laugh. WHAT?  Laugh? GASP!  No worries, they are not coming to take away our BDSM union card.

I have been aching to write about some of the really funny parts of this lifestyle of ours.  I have always been clear on the fact that we laugh a lot, but often those laughs are private moments.  Being the ME that I am, means that I am selfish with some things...  those private and priceless moments get locked into a vault, not to be shared...  Honestly, sometimes that does not make sense...  LOL  So I want to share some of those moments, the ones that make Me laugh so hard that I cannot even stand up.

You all know that tomio and I live apart.  This means that we spend our together times in hotels.  Some day we will just pick one and keep going there, but in the 3 years we have been to all sorts of places.  There was the crappy motel that with the driveway so steep we almost needed a sherpa to get to it.  The most exciting part of that one was the huge hornet nest right near the parking area that made the trips to the car...exciting and fast! Unlock the car with the remote...and 3, 2 1 RUN!!!   LOL  We have been lucky because so far we have not been to any really bad places and a few have been quite lovely.  We found one that we REALLY like that has a kitchenette in it, so he can cook bacon in the nude for Me. (evil grin)  I love bacon, but a naked man cooking bacon is just about the best thing that a Domme could ask for!  LOL  Sadly they remodeled that one and now the price is out of our range.

Because we don't always have a kitchenette, and money is tight, and getting tighter, we usually bring food to heat up and share. I happen to be a very good cook and he is an amazing baker.  So I made meatballs and he made sandwich rolls.  One of the funniest moments ever started as Me going into the bathroom and him asking if I would like for him to make a meatball sub for Me.  Of course, who does not want a meatball sub? So after washing my hands I step out of the bathroom and for a moment, My brain could not comprehend what I was seeing.   Laying on his back on the bed, spread eagle, is My naked tomio with (wait for it!) a sandwich roll encasing his balls!!   I am not sure if he was trying to be the meatball, or the sub, but I do know that I literally nearly fell over laughing!  By the time I staggered over to the bed, I was laughing so hard that I could barely breathe and I had tears rolling down My cheeks!   Oh Yeah, we know how to rock the serious shit!  LOLOLOL

Since we are on the topic of food...  tomio is a whore for My pink girl cock, but also for Nutter Butters. So one time, as a surprise when he was in the bathroom, I made a trail of mini peanut buttery cookies, from the doorway up the bed and to Me...  as I lay looking yummy he came into the room and his face lit up like I had not seen before.   He was very happy for that treat, but I can't help but wonder if it was Me... or the cookies!

Very early in our relationship, probably for our first Valentines Day, tomio got to the room early and decked the place out.  He got Lilies (My favorite flower) and put them in a vase, had chocolates laid out and scatter a trail from the door to the bed and all over the bed with fresh rose petals.  It was SO sweet, and so romantic.  The thing that they DON'T show in the movies is that rose petals get ground into everything!  They stain the sheets, stain your skin, stain tomio's heels and get stuck in all sorts of places.  At one point I burst into hysterics, when I noticed rose petals in the crack of his ass!  The moral of this tale is that movies are full of impossible shit, and rose petals need to go into the trash. Trust Me on that one!  LOL

Did we ever mention the drooling? So we were getting down and dirty (waggles eyebrows) and My darling tomio...  well he was really getting into it, shall we say...  and suddenly, yup, you guessed it he drooled on Me!  Down My chin, onto My neck... Oh god he was so horrified!  I chuckled and wiped it off... and the apologies started.  That made Me laugh even harder.  What's a little drool between lovers?  I mean
 if he is so wrapped up that he drools... I take that as a compliment!

Sometimes people that chat about the kink, are just plain full of crap.  This one guy in a chat group claimed that his Mistress made him paint her toenails with the brush held between his teeth and punished him if he made mistakes.  I immediately laughed and said that was complete bullshit.  My dear tomio had to try it out!  I ended up with nail polish all over My toes, tomio had a headache from the stink of the nail polish held so close to his nose.  Its simple physics!  The brush from a bottle of nail polish is so short that unless you are some sort of mutant, there is no way in hell you would be able to even SEE where the tip of the brush was, never mind move it in the right way to actually do anything other than make a huge mess! It was like the kinky version of that show where they bust myths.  Epic fail!

Across from one of the hotels that we like is a dinky little Lebanese restaurant that makes some of the best food ever.  One night when we had a little extra money we went and got take-out. We decided to split an assortment plate to try a bunch of different things. Imagine, if you will, small chunks of chicken and beef  with a garlic yogurt sauce that tastes like the kiss of an angel, rice that looks like plain white rice but tastes like heaven.... you get the idea ...amazingly yummy.  So we were sitting there tasting these lovely things, enjoying them immensely and tomio got quiet.  I was looked up to find him lost in the food, shoving the bits into his mouth, eyes glassy, soft appreciative noises escaping his lips.  So I stop to watch him... he was oblivious to My attention until I cleared My throat.  "Ummm, any chance you are going to actually share that with your Mistress?"  He blinked, confused and looked down.  The take-out container was nearly empty, his cheeks were full and he blushed.  "I am sorry, Mistress...its just SO GOOD!"  I could not disagree with him, but I did have to take his fork away so that I could actually get some of it. (grins)

One of the lovely treats that tomio has made for Me is a chocolate, coconut, peanut butter, oatmeal concoction that may not even have a name... other than "that awesome chocolate thing."  When he makes it, we usually eat a very good sized container over the course of the weekend. Its one of those things that you just can't resist another nibble, just because you walked by the container.  Well we had not realized how many times those nibbles happened on the way back to bed, until Sunday morning, when we realized that there were small chocolate smudges, as in 8 or 10 spots  all over the white hotel sheet!  Ooops!

So, as you can see, there is joy and laughter mixed in with our dirty, sexy, wicked, kinky kind of love!  There as to be laughter because there is love.  It's a magical sort of kink...  and it just makes Me so happy!

New Year-- Make it Happy and love each other!

Just a quick note of thanks for all the people who follow us and those that read us on the sly!  LOL

Happy New Year to you all.  For each of you I hope you find a place and a person with whom your Kink fits perfectly.  Someone who makes you laugh and cry, for various reasons.  Someone who knows your needs and shares your hungers, and someone who makes it all worth it!  2014 is going to be a good year, I can feel it!

And to My tomio...  I love you always, in all ways.

Happy New Year!

Saving The Dynamic

As tomio said, we usually try to write about positive things, but we are only human.  Part of being human is having weaknesses... it's how you handle the weaknesses that determines where you end up.

This is very difficult for Me to write, because, well... it's really hard to go through it all again.  I am really more of a get over it and move on sort of woman, but this does need to be shared.  If only to help someone else get through it.

My reality is that I live a bit of a dual life.  I am Me, the control freak Domme, lover and owner of tomio on one side and on the other side is the upright, professional woman with a warm smile and a quick laugh.  Part of that duality means that I must mislead some people in My life to keep them away from this side and to keep the guise of My public life.  I am comfortable with this, because it keeps the drama out of My world and I like it that way.

The person that I have never mislead, the person who knows all of My truth, the good, the bad and the ugly is My tomio.  He is My confidant and My sanity.  He lets Me be Me more than any person in the world, and for that I am entirely grateful.   So imagine Me, sick, feverish, congested and just needing to sleep for a week so I can get better... imagine Me calling sweet tomio to get My loving goodnight so I could curl into bed for the night.  What I got on the other end was not My sweet tomio, but instead an angry, mean, somewhat crazed man who was screaming at Me.  I could hear his teeth gritting and hear the struggle in his voice.  I was confused to say the least. My mind was racing, what could possibly have happened to cause this?  He was not making sense, making accusations that were only half formed because he was so upset, and just going on and on, anger pouring out off him like lava from a volcano.

I felt like I had been blind-sided, then sucker-punched.  Nothing he was saying was making any sense to Me...  Stop...stop...STOP just fucking STOP!

The details of the fight are not important to anyone but us.  What is important is what we did about the fight itself.  

The biggest problem on My end is that his reaction terrified Me.  This was not just anger, it was RAGE, white hot rage and it was terrifying.  It was the first time that I was actually GLAD that there was distance between us. That is very hard to admit, even to Myself.

The second issue is that I was feeling guilty for something, and had no idea what it was.  Obviously I had failed him somehow and I needed to fix it....but I did not even understand what it was that was wrong, and he had made some pretty painful accusations.

So what do you do?  How do you address a train wreck like this?

The bottom line is that you talk about it.  You talk and you talk and you talk, honestly, openly with with good intentions.  You dig into all of those dirty corners and discuss every little thing until you can't talk any more.  Then the hard work starts.  You have to rebuild trust, because love is a wonderful thing, but it cannot fix everything.

After we had discussed everything and agreed that it was a giant misunderstanding, we set about making it right.  In the type of relationship we have, trust is paramount.  He needs to trust Me and I need to trust him and we both need to relax into the dynamics of what we have and what we want to continue to have. That was when he realized that I was afraid of his anger and because of that fear I was hesitant to be with him again.

Everyone has baggage.  What do you do when all of a sudden you are wrapped up in someone else's baggage?  The truth of the matter is that often we unwillingly wrap the ones we love into the mess made by other people.  Its not fair, but we do it.    So you start by separating the guilty parties from the innocent ones.  You pick through the details of the wrongs and you look long and hard at them.    My tomio has a lot of baggage.  I knew that going into it, but the ugliness of the past can taint the beauty of today if you let it.  We dug through it all, detail by detail.  It was hard and it was ugly.  But in the end it was worth it, because in the end we were closer.

It started to get better.  Things were feeling better and there was joy returning to our lives.  Then it happened again.  Tomio did not mention that part.  He did it again.  He blew up at Me a second time.  I was torn to shreds again, and again I was glad he was so far away.  Apparently everything was not resolved and it was going to take a while.  The second blow up had a slightly different flavor to it, but the affect was also different.

I am a very controlled person.  I keep My emotions tight to My chest and present a strong front at all times.  But that second blow up stuck with Me.  More than I had realized, it had gotten inside.  I developed a fear reflex every time we started to talk about deep things.  At first I did not realize it but then it hit Me.  I was demanding reassurance that he was not going to blow up before I could call him at night.  And finally I had to admit it to him.  "I feel like you have given Me a form of PTSD and I can't handle it!"   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is complicated and far more serious than My own issues, but I needed him to understand how big it was.   He was very quiet.

I am a strong woman and it is hard for Me to admit when I can't be strong.  So I opened My weakness up to him.  I could not do it alone. That was hard, so very hard to do.  Why was it hard?  Because I am Dominant in our relationship.  Deep down in the dark places in My heart, I was feeling like I had failed our dynamic in My own way.  I was not able to be strong enough to get over this one the way I needed to... and it was eating at My confidence.   Both times that he blew up, I was weakened by either illness or stress or exhaustion.  I was feeling like I could not show weakness or I opened Myself up to another attack.  It was ugly.

We talked, we cried and in the end we were still the same people.  I was still Dominant.  He was still submissive and our dynamic was intact.   I told him honestly that I was not sure that I could survive another blow up, and that he had to talk to Me long before it got to that point again.

He agreed that he would talk to Me and he understood that if he continued to blow up, the damage was likely to be big.  Not to say that he was not allowed to be human, quite the opposite.  He was just not allowed to simmer any more.

There are still times when I need to check in with him about how he is doing and get reassured that there is nothing under the surface brewing.   Its going to take time.  He has asked Me what it will take to fix it entirely...  and time was the only answer.

We are human, and flawed in our own ways.  Communication cannot ever be replaced with lust.  Love does not conquer all, but it makes it worth the struggles.  I know it does.

Failing the dynamic

Mistress and I started blogging because we realized we have a rare and wonderful love that is express through a D/s relationship. It wasn't filled with humiliation and degradation (as too much material out there would have you believe), but on mutual respect and compatible desires. We decided that there needs to be more voices of "normal" folks who enjoy BDSM as a lifestyle.

We try to keep things as real as we can. We often focus on what is good and pleasurable and wonderful and affirming. This, unfortunately, is not one of those posts. This is a post about my humanity, and how I'm so far from perfect, and how Mistress loved me enough to withstand my fury.

The reason for my anger isn't really important as far as this post is concerned. What is important is to know that something happened that surprised and shocked me. I quickly went from surprise to hurt, and then from hurt to anger. Then anger turned to rage and I exploded.

Early in my life, I struggled with an explosive anger. I learned how to control it by delaying my reactions. After all, there are few things in modern life that demand an immediate fight or flight response. Over the decades, I have practiced this into something close to second nature. This makes me slow to anger...most of the time.

I also have to say that this could not have happened at a worse time for Mistress. She came home from work with a bit of a scratchy throat, and it very quickly grew into a full-blown sickness (just a cold, but it was bad enough). By the time this incident happened, right before bedtime, She was exhausted. She had pushed herself to her limit...and I was about to push Her beyond it.

I tried to hold back and wait for a better time, but I couldn't. I was at the heights of distress, and everything came tumbling out with no filter whatsoever. I was raging at Her and wouldn't listen to any words of reason. I made accusations and I raised my voice, over and over again. Not only was I not submissive, I wasn't even respectful.

In short, I failed the dynamic on which our relationship is built. From the moment we began moving towards a relationship, I have been submissive in all of my dealings with Her. There have been perhaps a handful of times when I said things that were out of line, but a quick word from Her was all it took to restore the dynamic of our relationship. That did not happen this time. The dynamic completely broke down.

Mistress talked to me for two hours, and a good part of that time "talk" was merely me spouting angry words in a very disrespectful manner. Exhausted and physically sick, emotionally stunned and reeling from my accusations, She stayed with me. She took everything I flung at Her. She was strong in a way She should never have to be strong. I can only hope that I would have that kind of strength for Her if She needed it.

In the end, there was no way to definitively show what happened. I could either insist that I was right, and destroy everything we have built, or I could believe in Her. I chose the second path. I would like to say that I chose to believe Her because She is too valuable to me to not believe Her - but even though that is true, that isn't what convinced me to trust Her. I chose to believe Her because, when I finally calmed down, there was no reason for me not to believe Her. Everything I know about this woman insisted that I was wrong. So I swallowed what I believed happen and stepped into Her arms on faith, and believed Her.

There was damage to repair, but first, we needed sleep. It took me a while, but I slept, and woke up exhausted. As I always do, my first action was to text Mistress and greet Her for the day. Her reply told me that I had really hurt Her. I had rocked the foundation upon which we stand, and She wasn't going to jump back on Her feet immediately. "I'm sorry" is a great start, but it is never the ending.

So we talked. Then we talked. Then we talked some more. All of this while She was sick and physically drained from fighting sickness. She explained how it felt to be on the receiving end of my rage. She told me that it made Her scared to be near me if I should ever become like that again. She explained how it hurt Her that I did not believe Her. If we do not have trust; then do we have anything?

I spent some time reassuring Her. I explained how best to handle my rage (don't touch me, send me away to cool down). I apologized for my behavior. I promised it wouldn't happen again. She assured me that my emotions are acceptable, no matter what, but I have to find a better way to address them with Her.

After She rested, and I had time to think, we broached the subject yet again. I unpacked a lot of baggage that I have carried for years. None of it had anything to do with Her, but an innocent misunderstanding triggered all of the hurt and betrayal stuffed into that baggage. Without excusing my actions, She understood why I had behaved as I did. Without letting me off the hook for what I had done, She released me from responsibility for having been hurt in the past. Then She made me feel loved and treasured.

As Her control reasserted itself, I realized that I felt something else: safe. This is perhaps one of the greatest gifts that any person can give to another, but it is particularly necessary for a Dominant to give to a submissive - the understanding that it is safe to be submissive and not pretend to be in control of things. It is knowing that the harms of the past will not be renewed. It is knowing that love and acceptance do not change with moods. Without this safety, nothing else can be built.

I want to make it clear that the way She set about restoring Her authority was pleasant. She could have said, "I'm the Dominant, and you're the sub. You will do what I say." I would have accepted that, but I would have struggled with it. She could have simply punished me for my behavior. I would have accepted that, as well, but it would not have restored our relationship - only the authority that I had usurped. Instead, She found out what was going on with me, what I needed to prevent further outbursts, what to do if the prevention failed, and then - THEN - She set up new rules to deal with this new situation.

Such events are never truly behind us, though. They are rolled into the ongoing experience of how we relate to each other. These things either tear people apart, or make them realize what is important and strengthen them. We have taken the second path, and that is because She chose to listen with love and help me through a crisis before restoring Her authority, and I chose to trust the woman I love - who is, after all, the most trustworthy person I've ever known.

Compare and Contrast: The Mighty Dildo Review

You know how it is when you order a new toy and wait with joyful expectation for its arrival so you can try it out and just lay there in the blissful afterglow, amazed by how much better reality is than any fantasy you've ever had?

If you've ever had that feeling; then hold that memory dear, because you won't be experiencing it with the Doc Johnson Raging Hardons Slimline Cobalt Blue Jellie 7-inch Ballsie. First of all, the name is WAY too complicated. I want to choke on the cock in my throat, not the name attached to it. But Doc Johnson is generally a good company and it offers affordable toys of decent quality. So we ordered it. And we were excited when it came in. So far, so good.

I think the good doctor may need his license examined. At the very least, it is apparent that Doc Johnson is not a urologist or male genitalia specialist of any sort. If this is what the Doc considers to be a "raging hardon" then I truly pity whatever woman he is with. It has the rigidity of a warm hot dog. It can't even stand up on its own without leaning over like a yoga master. Mistress has taken to referring to it as "the Raging Flacid."

Other than the exceptionally misleading name, it's a decent product. I enjoyed it in my throat and could even take short, slow breaths around it. This means I could stay down on it longer, which is fun. It didn't even come close to triggering a gag reflex...which takes the challenge away. I like it when I choke a bit - Mistress loves the way my eyes tear up when I stare up at Her in adoration, and I feel totally slutty (in the best way) when a bit of drool falls from my lips and drops onto my chest. So it's a trade off - easier to deep throat, but less of the fun stuff that comes from doing so. Of course, I could just spit on myself and She could poke my eye, but that just isn't as sexy.

At the other end, it was about the same. It was too soft for Mistress to thrust with it in Her harness, so She had to take matters (and dildo) into hand. Because it is fairly slender, it was easy to take and the ridges felt wonderful. However, She had to go fairly slowly because otherwise it sort of wobbled and threatened to double over instead of going in.

So it's a good, affordable toy - but the name is misleading (even though it is called "jellie" - after all, some jelly-like products are also fairly rigid). We both enjoyed having the toy, but felt a bit ripped-off. I think it would be a great toy for someone who wants to try a dildo for the first time, but I would advise the "raging hardon" be removed from the name.

We continued our search for the Perfect Girl-Cock with a grab-bag order from Tantus. The good news is that the price was incredible. The bad news, potentially, is that you have no control over the color of the toy, though you can choose the toy. That's what grab bag means, after all. What we got was a pink Echo Vibrator and a coffee colored Vamp.

We tried the Echo first, with the vibrating bullet removed. The girth was just right to trigger a soft gag reflex that I could easily control. It fit into my throat without any sense of stretching and I wasn't able to breath around it. This makes deep throating a work of breath control - which I love - and it leaves me a little breathless. My eyes teared satisfactorily, but Mistress stopped just before I started drooling. A little longer, though, and I would have been a very messy slut (maybe next time).

Mistress had no trouble slipping it into my ass. The girth was, again, perfect. The length was perfect. The ripples gave just enough stimulation to turn me into a whimper ball of ecstasy. I found just the right arch of my back to allow it to stroke my prostate so that I was dripping within a few moments. Mistress could take me as hard as She wanted and as fast as She wanted. She could also take me slowly and lovingly. It performed as well no matter how She used it.

The only thing that didn't exceed our expectations was the vibe. It is bigger and more powerful than most bullet vibes, but it just didn't hit Mistress in the right spot. Given the variation among women, I don't know how a designer could possibly make one that is right for everyone, though. One of my fantasies is for Her to take me until She orgasms from it...and I don't think that will happen with this one.

I would still give it my highest recommendation. It is a wonderful toy, and just thinking about taking it again gives me a yummy tingling in my lower belly.

Mistress didn't really care for the color of the Vamp because She doesn't want a girl-cock that looks like a boy-cock. In general, the color doesn't have any impact for me. Compared to the Echo, it has a bit bigger girth. It feels a bit shorter, when on the business side of it, but I couldn't swear that it is.

Kneeling before Her and seeing it at eye level was just a bit intimidating, but in an exciting way. The color DID make a difference, but it was not major and not unpleasant. It did not fit easily into my throat. I had to choke back my gag reflex and push hard. When it was in, I felt...impaled. If it had been a half inch longer, I think it would have been more comfortable, but I couldn't swear that I could get that much in my throat. It would be an excellent tool to help me learn to control my gag reflex better.

The increased girth made me gasp when Mistress pushed into my ass. She has a plug that is bigger and we both love when I take that, so it wasn't enough to make me feel stretched. But I knew that I was taking a big cock in my ass. That, in itself, made me feel slutty and dirty (again, these are good things for me). When Mistress drew back, the tip just started to slide out of me before She pounded it into me again (this is why I think it is a bit shorter than the Echo). This made my anus flex uncontrollably in a way that the Echo didn't. That extra loss of control was a big bonus for me. Plus, it is big enough that it drove air from my lungs with every thrust, so that I was panting in short order.

Again, I was able to arch so that it hit my prostate - though "pummeled" is more like it. Yes, that is also a good thing. Wetness dripped out of me and slid down my thigh, making me feel like the dirtiest bitch that ever took a girl-cock in his ass. I think if Mistress had kept it up just a bit longer, I would have had an orgasm from it (and I have had real and true orgasms - white creamy ejaculate pumping from my cock -  from Her taking my ass, so I'm not exaggerating).

Like the Echo, this has my highest recommendation. However, it is definitely not a beginner's toy. But both the Echo and the Vamp left us with that very happy feeling of having gotten more than we expected - and at an amazing price.

The Human factor of BDSM

(I truly love the way he writes and thinks! SIGH)

That post makes Me think of all of the really horrible encounters with submissive men...and makes Me realize how lucky I am to have found My tomio.

I did not set out to be part of this lifestyle.  I found it by accident thanks to a Dominant man who offered something I had never considered. I was shocked and horrified by it, honestly. I did not understand it.. but I was intrigued.  I was living a life of frustration... unfulfilled, wanting something, and not knowing what I wanted.  So I stumbled and fumbled and discovered a lot about Myself and My needs and My hungers.  I found that unlike the the hopes of My first toy, I was not submissive.  I was also not a switch, I tried to be, and it was... not pretty. It honestly made Me quite ugly.

So imagine Me, previously a good girl, suddenly realizing why I was so unfulfilled.  I was only a good girl in public...  behind closed doors I was... well I was something else.  Not only that, but it was a BIG something else... something viewed as wrong by some, wicked by others...  Where does one take that sort of energy?  And what is the point of having that energy if you cannot share it?

So I did the unthinkable.  While continuing to play on and off with this Dom, who was willing to be My sub for short periods of time (it was a disaster of a relationship, but we will talk more about that at another time)  I went in search of a submissive.

Yeah, um... not a fun trip.  I encountered the old men, the very young men, the sissies, the girls who wanted to be boys, the men who wanted to be submissive but still be in charge and the men who thought they might be submissive but weren't sure.  I feel like I hit the mother load of bullshit.  I know that sounds awful to say, but I was hitting wall after wall after wall.  What kind of fucked up maze did I get myself into and where the fuck is the door??

I agree entirely with tomio on his take on the fantasy verses reality.   Men seem to get into this loop of liking an image and creating a fantasy around it.  Then they try to recreate the fantasy with a person, but HEY news flash, real life and fantasy are rarely something that can run congruently!

The first thing they forget is that the person on the other end is, in fact, HUMAN.  This means they have needs, wants, desires and GASP (you can't be serious) they have FEELINGS! (Low groan from the fantasy realm.) Which means they can get hurt, angry and other such truly un-fantastic things.

I have had great interactions that go south in a big fat hurry:  There have been old men who want to move in with Me to live out their golden years (umm wow.  No.)  The 20-somethings vow to serve Me without ever meeting Me, then immediately want to see a picture, which I don't send and they get mad and say stupid things like "I bet you are just a big fat sow anyways!"  (Yeah, perhaps if you pulled my ponytail it will get my attention.)  Or they are great and brave until you actually reply then they freak out and panic and disappear.  Even better is when I mention that real life is not like fantasy then their heads explode and they run away to cry because I was mean...  SIGH.

I used to view My inbox with great excitement!  Yay, someone reaching out, a chance, an opportunity, oh the joy of the potential...Oh it's a cock.  Its a picture of an average looking cock and a note saying I should give him a try because he is everything I have ever dreamed of...  or better yet, a video of some headless man with a furry body...stroking.  (heavy sigh.  DELETE)

I was fed up, sick of it and just plain frustrated. I was ready to give up, hang up My boots and be done with it.  Then I bumped into tomio and reacted to him with human kindness and compassion.  We talked a lot online, then on the phone, then in person...  it grew into something that neither of us could have imagined.  It is amazing, truly.  Our relationship is the most fulfilling one I have ever had in My life, and I am grateful for the way he loves Me!  He never sent Me a picture of his dick... at least not until I told him to! (grins wickedly)

Here is the thing...  I would never have connected with the man of My dreams if he led with his cock! He led with his brain, and heart and he left his cock firmly tucked into his boxer briefs, inside of zipped pants, with a book on his lap.

Some of us want to know the person, not just the cock.  I know, I know, its a radical thought, but opening the door with a cock is just not... ok its not sanitary (LMAO!) but it's also not how I view men.  They are not a cock with a personality.  They are personalities that if they are very lucky and the chemistry is right, I may get to know the cock later... maybe.  I know there are people who view BDSM as a sexual thing, just a dirty way to get your rocks off.    I have to say that I have had several D/s relationships that did NOT involve sexual intercourse.  This is one of the few places where tomio and I disagree...  I do not consider strap-on play to be sexual intercourse.  He does.  To Me it is an act of submission, a show of My Dominance...  That being said, My relationship with tomio has taken it to another level entirely and now it is a sexual experience with him... especially if I keep him on his back!  Words cannot describe that feeling.

Okay, so back to the interaction thing...  as a Sensual Dominant I have formed connections with pets or potential pets that have cause heart ache, sadness and tears on My part.  I am human, I have feelings, and those feelings get hurt...

I recently was having a great online conversation with a twenty-something man.  We were bouncing ideas and thoughts off each other, discussing issues, getting right into the nitty-gritty and I was really enjoying it.  The first time he went a while without a reply I did a WTF, and he said he was just busy.  Then he just stops replying entirely. Stops. One week, two...a month later still no word, and no reply to "hey, are you dead?" posts. (I could see that he had been on the site numerous times.)  So I lost My temper and told him off.  Really, what kind of person just stops a conversation in the middle and never comes back? Its not a Dominant thing, its about respect for another human!  That is a bullshit way to handle interactions, I am sorry but that is just bullshit.  He seems to have gotten THAT message, since he blocked Me...

The bottom line of all of this ranting is that people need to understand that there is another human on the other end and respect and decency are not out of the question, even when you are dealing with something as wild as BDSM.  It's not hard to be good to one another.  It's not difficult to be real and decent and respectful to other people.  After all, these are the people that you could end up in an intimate relationship with, if you are very lucky.

BDSM and intimacy (or put your dick in your pants and your heart on your sleeve)

I love the TV series "Bones." I like that the lead female (Temperance Brennan) is very intelligent and struggles with emotional intelligence and social graces - much the opposite of the typical TV female lead - but does so without being butch and/or macho. I also see a lot of myself in the lead male, FBI Special Agent Seeley Boothe. He is devoutly religious, after his own path, and he does what he does because he thinks the good guys should win, even though he knows they don't always. He also loves Dr. Brennan intensely, and would not hesitate to put his life on the line for her, and to kill for her protection when necessary. At the bottom of his rugged exterior, he is the ultimate romantic at heart.

One of my favorite episodes, the victim was involved in an alternate lifestyle. By the end of the episode, Boothe and Bones have delved into it just enough that Boothe feels sorry for the practitioners. When asked why, he says (I'm paraphrasing): "The whole point of that stuff is to make less of a person out of the person you are with. When you do that, you can't reach the place where sex unites two people and they become one for just a few moments."

This is, I believe, pretty much how the general public understands BDSM. After all, Dr. Freud insisted from the start that the whole reason a guy likes high heels, for example, is because he wants to bone his mom and the high heels makes it easier for him to deal with that desire. (I disagree with Freud on the degree to which parental attraction is both necessary and inevitable.) As long as psychiatry and psychology have been around, BDSM has been seen as a deviant activity that spoke of some hidden sickness within a person's psyche. Fortunately, the medical community is changing its mind about this, but it will take decades before the general public come around to that understanding.

In the beginning, none of us are experienced BDSM'ers. We have to get introduced to concepts and practices and come to some understanding of what our personal needs are, and how we can express those needs to someone else. If we are fortunate; then there is actually someone who cares about us to help us - or at least someone who cares that we don't get hurt while we are trying to figure things out. Until that general public perception of BDSM changes, however, a whole lot of people are only going to learn about things online. That means that there will be some common problems - some of which are nearly legendary among those of us who have been around a bit.

I think the source of a lot of problems is the oppositional nature of fantasy and intimacy (and I don't mean "sex" - that euphemism ignores the fact that sex can be anonymous). When a lot of guys first make contact with a woman who identifies as Dominant, all he has to guide his actions are way too much fantasy, and the porn that feeds it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with fantasies, or with porn. I've talked about porn before, so I won't rehash that, but I think fantasies are probably healthy - at least, to a point.

The submissive fantasies of men tend to run along these lines: A woman finds out that I am submissive and she immediately begins to force me to do all of the things I really want to do anyway. We fall in love and live happily every after. ZZZZZZZZZZ (because men fall asleep after their fantasies wrap up in the 0.04 seconds between orgasm and sleep). It's great for fantasy, but it's a pretty lame script to try to put into practice.

I understand that a lot of guys (not all), for a lot of reasons, are uncomfortable with their submissiveness. I've been there. Submissiveness is not generally considered a desirable attribute for adult males. So that desire gets hidden and only comes out in fantasy. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for a person to have a truly submissive fantasy. Submission, after all, requires that someone else be in charge, and the person fantasizing is in total control of the fantasy...so the focus falls on fetish wear and specific scenes and/or activities.

Then a guy sneaks down to the computer in the middle of the night and finds a site where Dominant Women are actually out there! Oh boy! Maybe she also likes guys who crossdress and eat fried green tomatoes. This is what he has been looking for! OH MY GOD! He flips out, summons all of his courage, and...

sends a photo of his cock? REALLY?!?!!

sends her an email promising his everlasting servitude? REALLY?!?!?!!!

Let me go on the record here as shooting straight from the hip - if one of you guys sends a cock pic to a woman and she gets excited enough to immediately enslave you...it probably isn't a woman on the other end of the internet.

I spent six years in the Navy, living in open bay berthing where I showered with a hundred other guys (literally). I've seen a lot of cock. They aren't really that impressive. I mean - there was one guy who could unzip his fly and stick the head of his dick in his pocket and THAT was impressive, but other than that, it's just a dick. It wasn't like he could make it deal cards or anything.

What's the thought process here? She will see that one certain vein in your shaft and just KNOW that you are the one for her? Get a grip - on something other than your own shaft.

Look, I am a big fan of female genitalia. But if I got a steady stream of crotch shots that said, "You will worship this pussy or else!!" I would get a little tired of it. Well, maybe I wouldn't get tired of the pics - big fan, after all - but I would get tired of the attitude, and with a quickness that would make the Flash feel inadequate. I enjoy Dominant Women, in general, but that doesn't mean I want to actually serve every woman in the world. What if they all wanted coffee at once?  (All joking aside, I serve one and only one woman and she gives me everything I need... and crotch shots, are really not what I want or need....)

And about the immediate offers of eternal servitude? Permanent femdom relationships are the grand slam home-run and you haven't even dribbled one weakly into left field. You are asking for a RELATIONSHIP. If you are going to jump into a relationship with someone you don't know; then you are begging for a butt-load of problems. There is a reason why most people date before they get married, and everlasting servitude is something akin to offering marriage.

This is what happens when someone tries to impose fantasy on reality: You end up treating someone like garbage, because you are treating yourself like garbage. Fantasies - even really great ones - are disposable. When you come-on like a porn star, you are asking someone to be just as disposable as the tenth-last porn video you saw.

BDSM'ers talk about trust and safety in relation to a person's body, and with good reason. But to achieve intimacy, there has to be an understanding of trust and safety on an emotional level. It is not possible to be intimate with a person unless you are willing to reveal a piece of your self. Revealing that vulnerable self means opening yourself up to being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed.

Once that vulnerability is established, that piece of self has to be accepted and cherished. The trust has to be tested, and found to be well-placed. Such an experience is heart-warming, uplifting, and even enlightening.

The point I'm making is that it is both a wonderful thing to have and a scary thing to pursue. Fantasies aren't like that. Fantasies don't involve another person (other than as an object of fantasy). Fantasies involve no risk. Fantasies are safe and comfortable and wonderful. They stoke our ego, feed our ambition, and give us hope that something better is out there.

But fantasy isn't enough. Humans are, ultimately, herd animals and we need to be around others that are like us. We want to reveal ourselves and be accepted. We crave intimacy. That's what drives a guy to get up in the middle of the night and risk the happiness of his marriage by chasing wank fodder in the worst possible way. That has to change. It isn't fair to a whole generation of Dominant Women to ask them to simply put up with the rude, crude, and downright abusive behavior from submissive men just because we don't know how to move from fantasy to intimacy. It isn't fair to a whole generation of submissive men to keep them emotionally stupid and stunted just because they don't know how to reach beyond a fantasy and find intimacy.

I think two things need to happen.

First, men have to understand that the functional word in "Dominant Woman" is "WOMAN" - meaning a human being of the female sort. She has to take the same risks as you do, guys. If you aren't ready to move forward; then say something about it. You figure out what you are ready to do and be clear. It's okay to say you are scared. Women tend to understand things like that. Don't send a cock-shot until she asks for it (if she ever does). You wouldn't walk up to her in a bar and wave your dick to get her attention, so don't do it online. And, just like in real life, a one night stand is fine if that is what both people are after, but if you offer eternity and then run like a roach in the daylight, you are just being a dick.

Secondly, we need some way to change societal standards of BDSM as a pure fetishistic endeavor. We have to make sure that people understand that, odd as it may sound, spanking someone doesn't dehumanize them, but makes them more human. Tying someone up doesn't objectify them; it reveals them to us. Or whatever your particular way of relating to your partner might be - it gets you closer, not further away.  For all of its faults, Fifty Shades at least put BDSM - in a highly fantasized fashion - on the discussion table for the general public. Given the popularity of authors like Laurel Hamilton, there is a hunger out there for fiction that depicts strong women (who remain feminine, even when they kick ass) who enjoy being in control, and men who enjoy giving them that control.

As much as I love the character on Bones, he is wrong. Alternate lifestyles aren't wrong because they dehumanize and fetishize people, because sometimes - sometimes - they reveal a person's spirit and shower them in adoration and appreciation. I know that because I have experienced it. Submission helped me to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It made me feel free to not pretend, even in the act of making love, to be something I wasn't. It made me realize who I really am, and it helped me love my Mistress. It is a path to true intimacy. It is a way to love. 

BDSM is a way for two people to experience each other in a way that their souls become one.

Together again... not soon enough

This coming Friday, Mistress and I will again be together. (to clarify, we had not split up! This weekend we will get some skin time, and yay!)

Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.

The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.

In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward.  Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.

But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.

We are not lost...

Hello folks,

Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again.  I am not a great blogger, apparently.  I will work on that...

We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you.    We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly.  Thanks for your patience!

Just a leather circle...

Golden ring, with one tiny little stone
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring

The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.

My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...

It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol

I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.

I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?

We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.

It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."

So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.

Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.

Like the one I wear.

Later than late

Six weeks ago, this post would have been overdue. A month ago, it was late. So now it is too late to even be late.

I have excuses. I was sick. My children were sick. Other things needed my attention. But I cannot escape my responsibility for having not written. Time being linear, however, there is nothing to do but simply take up where I should never have left off.

Mistress spoke of taking care of each other, and I believe that is probably where real-life BDSM differs from its literary and video representations. It's easy to talk about humiliating someone (or being humiliated by someone) or to take and give beatings that end in bloodshed and severe injuries when the only thing that is actually spilled is ink (or pixels - even cheaper!). It is quite another thing when it is not a literary construct, but a breathing human being that is alone in a room with you.

Some of our struggles during the past few months have meant that many of the BDSM activities we enjoy have been sidelined. But what rose to take its place was the supportive and loving relationship that is necessary to sustain us for a lifetime. Of course, it has always been there. Or, at least, the promise of it has always been there. Like a fruit ripening from an early bloom, what we have has grown and matured.

This doesn't mean that we've lost our flair for kinkery. It just means that there is more than just kinkery. We are not cardboard cutouts, nor literary constructs. We are human beings who are learning how well we complement each other in life.

I think that speaks directly to the point Mistress was making about our limits having...let's say, expanded. This is simply a natural result of the greater connection we have been building. So long as we take care to tend this new growth, it is simply a promise of greater things to come, and is nothing to be feared. I think that once a person turns their back on trying to be what they should be and learns to simply be who they actually are, then growth, and the occasional surprise is inevitable. This is part of the reward of living an authentic life.

For a while, I have said that submission isn't what I do, but who I am. But it is not the sum total of who, or what, I am. Because I am not a literary construct, but a human being. I just happen to be a human being who is both male, and submissive, for the one I love.

Hunger and Curiousity

Hello you kinky or kink-curious folks,

The visit this weekend was side-lined by illness and other demands of life.  It sucks, big time.  So as I sit here, I start to wonder...  would the followers of this blog, which I have worked so hard to keep the wank fodder, kinky details and tales of wickedness out of...would those folks, or some of them, be interested in tales, real, imagined or a combination of the two?

So you tell me:  Do you hunger for details?  Would you enjoy stories? Do you read this blog in hopes of getting a little tingle from time to time?

Lets see what the people say.  I am asking, because I am horny as hell, having missed my weekend and because both tomio and I do erotic writing from time to time.

Would a side of wickedness be appreciated or scorned?  Hmmmm?

Its been a while since we posted, and I am sorry.  Life has once again imposed on Us and honestly with the holidays, families and other commitments, We have been swamped.

This post I want to talk about a number of things and perhaps one will spark into something bigger.

The first thing is taking care of one another.  Folks know that tomio and I currently live apart, but that our days are very connected.  We talk multiple times a day, cam when We can and text back and forth all day.  Since our budgets currently allow Us just a weekend a month, a lot of "life" happens in between.  We have both been sick on and off, and that is difficult.  As caring people it is hard too be away from your loved one when they are sick!  All I can do it offer remedies, recipes and advice.  The only good thing is that we are able to prevent the other from getting sick...because the physical contact is obviously limited.  LOL.

I have a very stressful job and it takes a lot out of Me.  When We are able to bring our lives together later on, it will be easier to unwind and de-stress.  But how do We do it now?  We have a very loving and connected relationship so we send each other as much sweetness as we can, and then we use some of our online time to connect in silly ways... we play online games.  These are not online sex games, please.  We play things like Scrabble where we can chat and also challenge each other mentally. We have also played a very dirty version of Scrabble when we are together (waggles eyebrows)...I am going to leave most of that to you, but will say it involves Me doing various naughty things to him, in a very unfair attempt to distract him.  (grins) But honestly the thing that he does on a daily basis, that feeds my soul and makes me feel loved, is he sings to me.  He has a few silly songs, but the ones that I love are Love Songs.  His voice is sort of Johnny Cash-esque, and I love it when he professes his love in musical form.  The singing is something that has gone on since the very beginning of our relationship. He sang to Me very early on, and made a lovely video of him singing Our song.  "Our song" is something private that he sings to me every night before sleep, and it means so very much to Me.   My point is that in trying to find Our happily ever after, we do things that are important to Us, and things that may not seem like much to an outsider, but is everything to Us.  I think happiness is made up of those little bits of inside magic.

Speaking of relationships, yesterday was Our TWO YEAR anniversary! YEY FOR US! Two years ago yesterday I put a custom made collar around his neck and claimed him as My own.  So much has happened, and we have learned so much about Ourselves and each other.  We have pushed the envelope in directions that we never thought it would go, and we have created a wonderful love that makes Us both whole.  Thank you, My love, My pet, for all you have given me!

Another thing that I would like to talk about again, but hopefully with a new twist is the exploration of boundaries a.k.a Limits.  When we got together, we had both agreed on a set of matching boundaries.  It was a list of things We both liked and things We did not.    Since our hungers matched perfectly we proceeded with our relationship.  Over time we got very comfortable with each other and in our talk about fantasies and interests We agreed to try a few new things from time to time.  We have explored many areas and found new fun stuff and stuff that was just ok.  There have been a few new things that are nothing great, so why bother and a few new things We loved.  One of the places where We have expanded our interest is more pain.  We are still a sensual, loving couple.  To see Us in public, you would never suspect that We are kinky as hell in private.  (I like it that way!)  But we have both found that we could push the pain envelope just a bit farther than either of Us thought We would...and We liked it!

I am sure that the "old guard" bullshit would still say We are fluff.  My attitude about that has not changed.  I did not invite anyone else into My fun, so I don't care what they think.  My point is that over time with comfort, intense trust and connection, boundaries CAN change.  Its a good thing to know what you like now, but just be aware that it could stretch in the future.

My former pet, the pain whore, is still a friend of Mine.  He was very surprised to learn that things had changed so much for Me.  As I thought about it I had to be honest, if he came back, I still don't think that things would change as much with him... because we do not have the trust and connection that My tomio and I share.  I could not be the Mistress I am to tomio, with anyone else.I just can't imagine it.  It took time to get where We are...

Well, I am going to wrap it up for now.  I hope that life settles the fuck down a bit, so I can write more, share more and just get in touch with My bad self.  God I love My bad self!  LOL   Ta-ta for now!  (rolls eyes)

The things we do for love

I did what no sane man should do - I deliberately headed down the shore towards an oncoming hurricane. After spending most of my adult life around the ocean, I had a good idea of what to do. I gassed up the cars, I bought extra water, I kept my kids safe.

I was fortunate. Two very large trees came down in the backyard of a neighboring house (it's abandoned), but other than destroying a weight-bench and pinning a rattletrap fence, no damage was done. No more than fifty yards to the north, a tree too big for me to put my arms around pulled loose and fell on top of a car and house, ripping several high-line wires with it. Three sides of my block lost power, but my power just blinked long enough to reset the microwave.

The shopping district around the corner was without power for over a week. I lost cable - which means no internet - for five days (I'm such an addict). My kids were out of school because their school was under water.

I had kept informed of the storm's movements, and I knew it was going to be a bad one. Like I said, I've spent most of my adult life around the ocean and I've been through half a dozen tropic storms and/or hurricanes. It is crazy to move closer to the path of such a storm. But my kids were in the path of that storm - and no matter what happened, I was going to be with them.

That's what love does. It moves you to bear the unbearable. It makes you forget what is best for you...or, more precisely, it redefines what is best for you. That day, what was best for me was being with my children. No matter what.

So it is that my love for Mistress continues to redefine me, too. When we met, we had long talks about what we wanted from a relationship. One of the things that I told Her was that I didn't enjoy pain, and I didn't want to be with someone who would enjoy hurting me. I was sure of it.

It has been a great surprise to me to discover that I am, in fact, a bit of a masochist. I'm not really sure when I figured it out, but She has hurt me from the first time we were together - small ways at first, and then larger and more exciting ways. But it is not something that I'm always at ease with.

This desire, new and unfamiliar, throbs to life at odd times. At times, I almost ache for the experience of Her inflicting pain on me. So much so that the pain itself is nearly a relief. At other times, all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to lie before Her, purposefully helpless, and let Her desires take Her where She wants. Of course, not being able to hear Her desires in my head, my thoughts fill in the blanks with numerous fantasies...not all of which are even possible.

As much as I want Her to hurt me, and as much as I enjoy it, it also scares me, and on a couple of levels. First of all, it's a bit scary just wanting to be hurt. It kind of goes against human nature. Like most people, I tend to avoid things that hurt me. So it's rather puzzling to suddenly want to be hurt, and especially by someone who loves me so well.

On another level, though, it scares me because I want it so much. When I met Her, Mistress had another pet, one that also enjoyed being hurt. In fact, he wanted it so much that it turned Her off. That wasn't what ended things between them, but it was a part of what led to it. I guess I'm just insecure enough to fear losing someone I love to something we enjoy. I really don't know what my limits are, and I don't know what Hers are. I trust Her to take me where I need to be and to get me safely back, but I don't want to push Her to take me there too often, or too deeply.

That, I suppose, is the final level of fear. My family has wrestled with addictions for several generations, and I've seen men destroyed by their pleasures - drawn again and again to a trough of their own destruction long after it ceased to offer any pleasure. I fear that I could lose myself to my desire. I fear that my desire to be hurt could come unharnessed and wreak havoc.

It's sort of like driving into the teeth of a hurricane - it doesn't make sense to mess with something that holds such promise and threat. But love changes a person. Love makes it worth facing the threat in order to reach for the promise, because threats don't always materialize. And love...love is always worth reaching for.

Storms and Hurtie Stuff

Sorry for the long delay between posts! Sometime LIFE just gets in the way...

Things continue to be real and normal with Myself and My sweet tomio.  And by normal and real, I mean we had a hurricane.  Sigh.  New England never used to have hurricanes, and this is two in a row, one each October.

I faired fine here in MA with only flickering lights and annoyance with the terror the news media was trying to cause.  My sweetness was still very lucky, but not as lucky as Me.  Being that he is in NJ, he did have effects of it.  His kids were out of school for a week and a half, and his cable and internet were out.  He had electricity, but his cell phone did not always work, and even when he appeared to have signal, texts would not go through for hours then they would all hit at once. It made me crazy.  It made him crazy.  There was craziness, and it sucked.

The odd thing was that the weekend BEFORE the Monday night hurricane was our weekend together.  It was a great weekend in our favorite hotel.  We cooked meals together  (ok he cooked meals naked and I made raunchy comments, grabbed his various bits, bit, licked, nibbled on him...) and then Saturday afternoon, the hotel slid a notice under our door.  "Hurricane Warning, be scared, flee, warning warning."   It sort of put a damper on things because I started to worry. The damper was minor and there was still plenty of kinkery and a lot of WOOHOO, but it was there... in the back of my mind.  The "what if a tree falls on my sweetness"... sort of thing.

The thing is, control freaks hate storms, because they cannot be controlled. The million "what-ifs" in my head were swirling and crazy.  Part of me wants to blame the media.  But the problem is that SO many people WERE badly affected by the storm, that it was good they were warning people.  However.  I heard a news report the Friday before that said "the storm will either be a direct hit, be a glancing blow, or miss us entirely." Wow.  Thanks for that.  With all of the technology and power, the reality was that they just did not really know until just before it hit.

Ok so We got through it and everything is fine again.  I was able to talk to him a bit every day, and in the end it was all ok.  Thankfully.

So the other thing I wanted to blog about is pain.  Now we have discussed the fact that I am not a sadist.  I do like SOME things that are a bit hurtie:  The crop, biting, spanking...  The littler stuff-- and sometimes we do a lot of hurtie things so it lasts a while.  During the last visit, after the storm, My sweetness looked up at Me, with big brown eyes.  His forehead creased with concern.  "Mistress, is it OK that I like that you hurt me?"  At first I did not know what to say.  Where was this coming from?  So I thought for a minute, as I cuddled him to my chest.  And then I remembered.  I had a pet who was a pain whore.  He wanted more, more,  more and he wanted more than I was comfortable with.  It did not work out with Us, because Our kinks did not match.  Sweetness was worried that he could become a pain whore and it would turn Me off!   I chuckled and reassured him that he was no pain whore, nor would he ever be.  He liked a little pain, but not a huge amount.  It was just the right level for Us both.  I felt him relax against Me.  Then, with a grin, I said, "Besides My love... You do what I tell you to, and We do what pleases Me."  We laughed.  I spanked him again, and then I made love to him.  It's what we do.  And We LOVE it, and each other!