This coming Friday, Mistress and I will again be together. (to clarify, we had not split up! This weekend we will get some skin time, and yay!)
Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.
The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.
In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward. Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.
But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.
For the love
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
We are not lost...
Hello folks,
Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again. I am not a great blogger, apparently. I will work on that...
We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you. We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly. Thanks for your patience!
Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again. I am not a great blogger, apparently. I will work on that...
We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you. We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly. Thanks for your patience!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Just a leather circle...
Golden ring, with one tiny little stone
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring
The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.
My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...
It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol
I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.
I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?
We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.
It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."
So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.
Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.
Like the one I wear.
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring
The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.
My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...
It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol
I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.
I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?
We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.
It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."
So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.
Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.
Like the one I wear.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Later than late
Six weeks ago, this post would have been overdue. A month ago, it was late. So now it is too late to even be late.
I have excuses. I was sick. My children were sick. Other things needed my attention. But I cannot escape my responsibility for having not written. Time being linear, however, there is nothing to do but simply take up where I should never have left off.
Mistress spoke of taking care of each other, and I believe that is probably where real-life BDSM differs from its literary and video representations. It's easy to talk about humiliating someone (or being humiliated by someone) or to take and give beatings that end in bloodshed and severe injuries when the only thing that is actually spilled is ink (or pixels - even cheaper!). It is quite another thing when it is not a literary construct, but a breathing human being that is alone in a room with you.
Some of our struggles during the past few months have meant that many of the BDSM activities we enjoy have been sidelined. But what rose to take its place was the supportive and loving relationship that is necessary to sustain us for a lifetime. Of course, it has always been there. Or, at least, the promise of it has always been there. Like a fruit ripening from an early bloom, what we have has grown and matured.
This doesn't mean that we've lost our flair for kinkery. It just means that there is more than just kinkery. We are not cardboard cutouts, nor literary constructs. We are human beings who are learning how well we complement each other in life.
I think that speaks directly to the point Mistress was making about our limits having...let's say, expanded. This is simply a natural result of the greater connection we have been building. So long as we take care to tend this new growth, it is simply a promise of greater things to come, and is nothing to be feared. I think that once a person turns their back on trying to be what they should be and learns to simply be who they actually are, then growth, and the occasional surprise is inevitable. This is part of the reward of living an authentic life.
For a while, I have said that submission isn't what I do, but who I am. But it is not the sum total of who, or what, I am. Because I am not a literary construct, but a human being. I just happen to be a human being who is both male, and submissive, for the one I love.
I have excuses. I was sick. My children were sick. Other things needed my attention. But I cannot escape my responsibility for having not written. Time being linear, however, there is nothing to do but simply take up where I should never have left off.
Mistress spoke of taking care of each other, and I believe that is probably where real-life BDSM differs from its literary and video representations. It's easy to talk about humiliating someone (or being humiliated by someone) or to take and give beatings that end in bloodshed and severe injuries when the only thing that is actually spilled is ink (or pixels - even cheaper!). It is quite another thing when it is not a literary construct, but a breathing human being that is alone in a room with you.
Some of our struggles during the past few months have meant that many of the BDSM activities we enjoy have been sidelined. But what rose to take its place was the supportive and loving relationship that is necessary to sustain us for a lifetime. Of course, it has always been there. Or, at least, the promise of it has always been there. Like a fruit ripening from an early bloom, what we have has grown and matured.
This doesn't mean that we've lost our flair for kinkery. It just means that there is more than just kinkery. We are not cardboard cutouts, nor literary constructs. We are human beings who are learning how well we complement each other in life.
I think that speaks directly to the point Mistress was making about our limits having...let's say, expanded. This is simply a natural result of the greater connection we have been building. So long as we take care to tend this new growth, it is simply a promise of greater things to come, and is nothing to be feared. I think that once a person turns their back on trying to be what they should be and learns to simply be who they actually are, then growth, and the occasional surprise is inevitable. This is part of the reward of living an authentic life.
For a while, I have said that submission isn't what I do, but who I am. But it is not the sum total of who, or what, I am. Because I am not a literary construct, but a human being. I just happen to be a human being who is both male, and submissive, for the one I love.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Hunger and Curiousity
Hello you kinky or kink-curious folks,
The visit this weekend was side-lined by illness and other demands of life. It sucks, big time. So as I sit here, I start to wonder... would the followers of this blog, which I have worked so hard to keep the wank fodder, kinky details and tales of wickedness out of...would those folks, or some of them, be interested in tales, real, imagined or a combination of the two?
So you tell me: Do you hunger for details? Would you enjoy stories? Do you read this blog in hopes of getting a little tingle from time to time?
Lets see what the people say. I am asking, because I am horny as hell, having missed my weekend and because both tomio and I do erotic writing from time to time.
Would a side of wickedness be appreciated or scorned? Hmmmm?
The visit this weekend was side-lined by illness and other demands of life. It sucks, big time. So as I sit here, I start to wonder... would the followers of this blog, which I have worked so hard to keep the wank fodder, kinky details and tales of wickedness out of...would those folks, or some of them, be interested in tales, real, imagined or a combination of the two?
So you tell me: Do you hunger for details? Would you enjoy stories? Do you read this blog in hopes of getting a little tingle from time to time?
Lets see what the people say. I am asking, because I am horny as hell, having missed my weekend and because both tomio and I do erotic writing from time to time.
Would a side of wickedness be appreciated or scorned? Hmmmm?
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Its been a while since we posted, and I am sorry. Life has once again imposed on Us and honestly with the holidays, families and other commitments, We have been swamped.
This post I want to talk about a number of things and perhaps one will spark into something bigger.
The first thing is taking care of one another. Folks know that tomio and I currently live apart, but that our days are very connected. We talk multiple times a day, cam when We can and text back and forth all day. Since our budgets currently allow Us just a weekend a month, a lot of "life" happens in between. We have both been sick on and off, and that is difficult. As caring people it is hard too be away from your loved one when they are sick! All I can do it offer remedies, recipes and advice. The only good thing is that we are able to prevent the other from getting sick...because the physical contact is obviously limited. LOL.
I have a very stressful job and it takes a lot out of Me. When We are able to bring our lives together later on, it will be easier to unwind and de-stress. But how do We do it now? We have a very loving and connected relationship so we send each other as much sweetness as we can, and then we use some of our online time to connect in silly ways... we play online games. These are not online sex games, please. We play things like Scrabble where we can chat and also challenge each other mentally. We have also played a very dirty version of Scrabble when we are together (waggles eyebrows)...I am going to leave most of that to you, but will say it involves Me doing various naughty things to him, in a very unfair attempt to distract him. (grins) But honestly the thing that he does on a daily basis, that feeds my soul and makes me feel loved, is he sings to me. He has a few silly songs, but the ones that I love are Love Songs. His voice is sort of Johnny Cash-esque, and I love it when he professes his love in musical form. The singing is something that has gone on since the very beginning of our relationship. He sang to Me very early on, and made a lovely video of him singing Our song. "Our song" is something private that he sings to me every night before sleep, and it means so very much to Me. My point is that in trying to find Our happily ever after, we do things that are important to Us, and things that may not seem like much to an outsider, but is everything to Us. I think happiness is made up of those little bits of inside magic.
Speaking of relationships, yesterday was Our TWO YEAR anniversary! YEY FOR US! Two years ago yesterday I put a custom made collar around his neck and claimed him as My own. So much has happened, and we have learned so much about Ourselves and each other. We have pushed the envelope in directions that we never thought it would go, and we have created a wonderful love that makes Us both whole. Thank you, My love, My pet, for all you have given me!
Another thing that I would like to talk about again, but hopefully with a new twist is the exploration of boundaries a.k.a Limits. When we got together, we had both agreed on a set of matching boundaries. It was a list of things We both liked and things We did not. Since our hungers matched perfectly we proceeded with our relationship. Over time we got very comfortable with each other and in our talk about fantasies and interests We agreed to try a few new things from time to time. We have explored many areas and found new fun stuff and stuff that was just ok. There have been a few new things that are nothing great, so why bother and a few new things We loved. One of the places where We have expanded our interest is more pain. We are still a sensual, loving couple. To see Us in public, you would never suspect that We are kinky as hell in private. (I like it that way!) But we have both found that we could push the pain envelope just a bit farther than either of Us thought We would...and We liked it!
I am sure that the "old guard" bullshit would still say We are fluff. My attitude about that has not changed. I did not invite anyone else into My fun, so I don't care what they think. My point is that over time with comfort, intense trust and connection, boundaries CAN change. Its a good thing to know what you like now, but just be aware that it could stretch in the future.
My former pet, the pain whore, is still a friend of Mine. He was very surprised to learn that things had changed so much for Me. As I thought about it I had to be honest, if he came back, I still don't think that things would change as much with him... because we do not have the trust and connection that My tomio and I share. I could not be the Mistress I am to tomio, with anyone else.I just can't imagine it. It took time to get where We are...
Well, I am going to wrap it up for now. I hope that life settles the fuck down a bit, so I can write more, share more and just get in touch with My bad self. God I love My bad self! LOL Ta-ta for now! (rolls eyes)
Saturday, December 8, 2012
The things we do for love
I did what no sane man should do - I deliberately headed down the shore towards an oncoming hurricane. After spending most of my adult life around the ocean, I had a good idea of what to do. I gassed up the cars, I bought extra water, I kept my kids safe.
I was fortunate. Two very large trees came down in the backyard of a neighboring house (it's abandoned), but other than destroying a weight-bench and pinning a rattletrap fence, no damage was done. No more than fifty yards to the north, a tree too big for me to put my arms around pulled loose and fell on top of a car and house, ripping several high-line wires with it. Three sides of my block lost power, but my power just blinked long enough to reset the microwave.
The shopping district around the corner was without power for over a week. I lost cable - which means no internet - for five days (I'm such an addict). My kids were out of school because their school was under water.
I had kept informed of the storm's movements, and I knew it was going to be a bad one. Like I said, I've spent most of my adult life around the ocean and I've been through half a dozen tropic storms and/or hurricanes. It is crazy to move closer to the path of such a storm. But my kids were in the path of that storm - and no matter what happened, I was going to be with them.
That's what love does. It moves you to bear the unbearable. It makes you forget what is best for you...or, more precisely, it redefines what is best for you. That day, what was best for me was being with my children. No matter what.
So it is that my love for Mistress continues to redefine me, too. When we met, we had long talks about what we wanted from a relationship. One of the things that I told Her was that I didn't enjoy pain, and I didn't want to be with someone who would enjoy hurting me. I was sure of it.
It has been a great surprise to me to discover that I am, in fact, a bit of a masochist. I'm not really sure when I figured it out, but She has hurt me from the first time we were together - small ways at first, and then larger and more exciting ways. But it is not something that I'm always at ease with.
This desire, new and unfamiliar, throbs to life at odd times. At times, I almost ache for the experience of Her inflicting pain on me. So much so that the pain itself is nearly a relief. At other times, all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to lie before Her, purposefully helpless, and let Her desires take Her where She wants. Of course, not being able to hear Her desires in my head, my thoughts fill in the blanks with numerous fantasies...not all of which are even possible.
As much as I want Her to hurt me, and as much as I enjoy it, it also scares me, and on a couple of levels. First of all, it's a bit scary just wanting to be hurt. It kind of goes against human nature. Like most people, I tend to avoid things that hurt me. So it's rather puzzling to suddenly want to be hurt, and especially by someone who loves me so well.
On another level, though, it scares me because I want it so much. When I met Her, Mistress had another pet, one that also enjoyed being hurt. In fact, he wanted it so much that it turned Her off. That wasn't what ended things between them, but it was a part of what led to it. I guess I'm just insecure enough to fear losing someone I love to something we enjoy. I really don't know what my limits are, and I don't know what Hers are. I trust Her to take me where I need to be and to get me safely back, but I don't want to push Her to take me there too often, or too deeply.
That, I suppose, is the final level of fear. My family has wrestled with addictions for several generations, and I've seen men destroyed by their pleasures - drawn again and again to a trough of their own destruction long after it ceased to offer any pleasure. I fear that I could lose myself to my desire. I fear that my desire to be hurt could come unharnessed and wreak havoc.
It's sort of like driving into the teeth of a hurricane - it doesn't make sense to mess with something that holds such promise and threat. But love changes a person. Love makes it worth facing the threat in order to reach for the promise, because threats don't always materialize. And love...love is always worth reaching for.
I was fortunate. Two very large trees came down in the backyard of a neighboring house (it's abandoned), but other than destroying a weight-bench and pinning a rattletrap fence, no damage was done. No more than fifty yards to the north, a tree too big for me to put my arms around pulled loose and fell on top of a car and house, ripping several high-line wires with it. Three sides of my block lost power, but my power just blinked long enough to reset the microwave.
The shopping district around the corner was without power for over a week. I lost cable - which means no internet - for five days (I'm such an addict). My kids were out of school because their school was under water.
I had kept informed of the storm's movements, and I knew it was going to be a bad one. Like I said, I've spent most of my adult life around the ocean and I've been through half a dozen tropic storms and/or hurricanes. It is crazy to move closer to the path of such a storm. But my kids were in the path of that storm - and no matter what happened, I was going to be with them.
That's what love does. It moves you to bear the unbearable. It makes you forget what is best for you...or, more precisely, it redefines what is best for you. That day, what was best for me was being with my children. No matter what.
So it is that my love for Mistress continues to redefine me, too. When we met, we had long talks about what we wanted from a relationship. One of the things that I told Her was that I didn't enjoy pain, and I didn't want to be with someone who would enjoy hurting me. I was sure of it.
It has been a great surprise to me to discover that I am, in fact, a bit of a masochist. I'm not really sure when I figured it out, but She has hurt me from the first time we were together - small ways at first, and then larger and more exciting ways. But it is not something that I'm always at ease with.
This desire, new and unfamiliar, throbs to life at odd times. At times, I almost ache for the experience of Her inflicting pain on me. So much so that the pain itself is nearly a relief. At other times, all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to lie before Her, purposefully helpless, and let Her desires take Her where She wants. Of course, not being able to hear Her desires in my head, my thoughts fill in the blanks with numerous fantasies...not all of which are even possible.
As much as I want Her to hurt me, and as much as I enjoy it, it also scares me, and on a couple of levels. First of all, it's a bit scary just wanting to be hurt. It kind of goes against human nature. Like most people, I tend to avoid things that hurt me. So it's rather puzzling to suddenly want to be hurt, and especially by someone who loves me so well.
On another level, though, it scares me because I want it so much. When I met Her, Mistress had another pet, one that also enjoyed being hurt. In fact, he wanted it so much that it turned Her off. That wasn't what ended things between them, but it was a part of what led to it. I guess I'm just insecure enough to fear losing someone I love to something we enjoy. I really don't know what my limits are, and I don't know what Hers are. I trust Her to take me where I need to be and to get me safely back, but I don't want to push Her to take me there too often, or too deeply.
That, I suppose, is the final level of fear. My family has wrestled with addictions for several generations, and I've seen men destroyed by their pleasures - drawn again and again to a trough of their own destruction long after it ceased to offer any pleasure. I fear that I could lose myself to my desire. I fear that my desire to be hurt could come unharnessed and wreak havoc.
It's sort of like driving into the teeth of a hurricane - it doesn't make sense to mess with something that holds such promise and threat. But love changes a person. Love makes it worth facing the threat in order to reach for the promise, because threats don't always materialize. And love...love is always worth reaching for.
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