BDSM and intimacy (or put your dick in your pants and your heart on your sleeve)

I love the TV series "Bones." I like that the lead female (Temperance Brennan) is very intelligent and struggles with emotional intelligence and social graces - much the opposite of the typical TV female lead - but does so without being butch and/or macho. I also see a lot of myself in the lead male, FBI Special Agent Seeley Boothe. He is devoutly religious, after his own path, and he does what he does because he thinks the good guys should win, even though he knows they don't always. He also loves Dr. Brennan intensely, and would not hesitate to put his life on the line for her, and to kill for her protection when necessary. At the bottom of his rugged exterior, he is the ultimate romantic at heart.

One of my favorite episodes, the victim was involved in an alternate lifestyle. By the end of the episode, Boothe and Bones have delved into it just enough that Boothe feels sorry for the practitioners. When asked why, he says (I'm paraphrasing): "The whole point of that stuff is to make less of a person out of the person you are with. When you do that, you can't reach the place where sex unites two people and they become one for just a few moments."

This is, I believe, pretty much how the general public understands BDSM. After all, Dr. Freud insisted from the start that the whole reason a guy likes high heels, for example, is because he wants to bone his mom and the high heels makes it easier for him to deal with that desire. (I disagree with Freud on the degree to which parental attraction is both necessary and inevitable.) As long as psychiatry and psychology have been around, BDSM has been seen as a deviant activity that spoke of some hidden sickness within a person's psyche. Fortunately, the medical community is changing its mind about this, but it will take decades before the general public come around to that understanding.

In the beginning, none of us are experienced BDSM'ers. We have to get introduced to concepts and practices and come to some understanding of what our personal needs are, and how we can express those needs to someone else. If we are fortunate; then there is actually someone who cares about us to help us - or at least someone who cares that we don't get hurt while we are trying to figure things out. Until that general public perception of BDSM changes, however, a whole lot of people are only going to learn about things online. That means that there will be some common problems - some of which are nearly legendary among those of us who have been around a bit.

I think the source of a lot of problems is the oppositional nature of fantasy and intimacy (and I don't mean "sex" - that euphemism ignores the fact that sex can be anonymous). When a lot of guys first make contact with a woman who identifies as Dominant, all he has to guide his actions are way too much fantasy, and the porn that feeds it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with fantasies, or with porn. I've talked about porn before, so I won't rehash that, but I think fantasies are probably healthy - at least, to a point.

The submissive fantasies of men tend to run along these lines: A woman finds out that I am submissive and she immediately begins to force me to do all of the things I really want to do anyway. We fall in love and live happily every after. ZZZZZZZZZZ (because men fall asleep after their fantasies wrap up in the 0.04 seconds between orgasm and sleep). It's great for fantasy, but it's a pretty lame script to try to put into practice.

I understand that a lot of guys (not all), for a lot of reasons, are uncomfortable with their submissiveness. I've been there. Submissiveness is not generally considered a desirable attribute for adult males. So that desire gets hidden and only comes out in fantasy. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for a person to have a truly submissive fantasy. Submission, after all, requires that someone else be in charge, and the person fantasizing is in total control of the fantasy...so the focus falls on fetish wear and specific scenes and/or activities.

Then a guy sneaks down to the computer in the middle of the night and finds a site where Dominant Women are actually out there! Oh boy! Maybe she also likes guys who crossdress and eat fried green tomatoes. This is what he has been looking for! OH MY GOD! He flips out, summons all of his courage, and...

sends a photo of his cock? REALLY?!?!!

sends her an email promising his everlasting servitude? REALLY?!?!?!!!

Let me go on the record here as shooting straight from the hip - if one of you guys sends a cock pic to a woman and she gets excited enough to immediately enslave you...it probably isn't a woman on the other end of the internet.

I spent six years in the Navy, living in open bay berthing where I showered with a hundred other guys (literally). I've seen a lot of cock. They aren't really that impressive. I mean - there was one guy who could unzip his fly and stick the head of his dick in his pocket and THAT was impressive, but other than that, it's just a dick. It wasn't like he could make it deal cards or anything.

What's the thought process here? She will see that one certain vein in your shaft and just KNOW that you are the one for her? Get a grip - on something other than your own shaft.

Look, I am a big fan of female genitalia. But if I got a steady stream of crotch shots that said, "You will worship this pussy or else!!" I would get a little tired of it. Well, maybe I wouldn't get tired of the pics - big fan, after all - but I would get tired of the attitude, and with a quickness that would make the Flash feel inadequate. I enjoy Dominant Women, in general, but that doesn't mean I want to actually serve every woman in the world. What if they all wanted coffee at once?  (All joking aside, I serve one and only one woman and she gives me everything I need... and crotch shots, are really not what I want or need....)

And about the immediate offers of eternal servitude? Permanent femdom relationships are the grand slam home-run and you haven't even dribbled one weakly into left field. You are asking for a RELATIONSHIP. If you are going to jump into a relationship with someone you don't know; then you are begging for a butt-load of problems. There is a reason why most people date before they get married, and everlasting servitude is something akin to offering marriage.

This is what happens when someone tries to impose fantasy on reality: You end up treating someone like garbage, because you are treating yourself like garbage. Fantasies - even really great ones - are disposable. When you come-on like a porn star, you are asking someone to be just as disposable as the tenth-last porn video you saw.

BDSM'ers talk about trust and safety in relation to a person's body, and with good reason. But to achieve intimacy, there has to be an understanding of trust and safety on an emotional level. It is not possible to be intimate with a person unless you are willing to reveal a piece of your self. Revealing that vulnerable self means opening yourself up to being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed.

Once that vulnerability is established, that piece of self has to be accepted and cherished. The trust has to be tested, and found to be well-placed. Such an experience is heart-warming, uplifting, and even enlightening.

The point I'm making is that it is both a wonderful thing to have and a scary thing to pursue. Fantasies aren't like that. Fantasies don't involve another person (other than as an object of fantasy). Fantasies involve no risk. Fantasies are safe and comfortable and wonderful. They stoke our ego, feed our ambition, and give us hope that something better is out there.

But fantasy isn't enough. Humans are, ultimately, herd animals and we need to be around others that are like us. We want to reveal ourselves and be accepted. We crave intimacy. That's what drives a guy to get up in the middle of the night and risk the happiness of his marriage by chasing wank fodder in the worst possible way. That has to change. It isn't fair to a whole generation of Dominant Women to ask them to simply put up with the rude, crude, and downright abusive behavior from submissive men just because we don't know how to move from fantasy to intimacy. It isn't fair to a whole generation of submissive men to keep them emotionally stupid and stunted just because they don't know how to reach beyond a fantasy and find intimacy.

I think two things need to happen.

First, men have to understand that the functional word in "Dominant Woman" is "WOMAN" - meaning a human being of the female sort. She has to take the same risks as you do, guys. If you aren't ready to move forward; then say something about it. You figure out what you are ready to do and be clear. It's okay to say you are scared. Women tend to understand things like that. Don't send a cock-shot until she asks for it (if she ever does). You wouldn't walk up to her in a bar and wave your dick to get her attention, so don't do it online. And, just like in real life, a one night stand is fine if that is what both people are after, but if you offer eternity and then run like a roach in the daylight, you are just being a dick.

Secondly, we need some way to change societal standards of BDSM as a pure fetishistic endeavor. We have to make sure that people understand that, odd as it may sound, spanking someone doesn't dehumanize them, but makes them more human. Tying someone up doesn't objectify them; it reveals them to us. Or whatever your particular way of relating to your partner might be - it gets you closer, not further away.  For all of its faults, Fifty Shades at least put BDSM - in a highly fantasized fashion - on the discussion table for the general public. Given the popularity of authors like Laurel Hamilton, there is a hunger out there for fiction that depicts strong women (who remain feminine, even when they kick ass) who enjoy being in control, and men who enjoy giving them that control.

As much as I love the character on Bones, he is wrong. Alternate lifestyles aren't wrong because they dehumanize and fetishize people, because sometimes - sometimes - they reveal a person's spirit and shower them in adoration and appreciation. I know that because I have experienced it. Submission helped me to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It made me feel free to not pretend, even in the act of making love, to be something I wasn't. It made me realize who I really am, and it helped me love my Mistress. It is a path to true intimacy. It is a way to love. 

BDSM is a way for two people to experience each other in a way that their souls become one.

Together again... not soon enough

This coming Friday, Mistress and I will again be together. (to clarify, we had not split up! This weekend we will get some skin time, and yay!)

Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.

The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.

In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward.  Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.

But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.

We are not lost...

Hello folks,

Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again.  I am not a great blogger, apparently.  I will work on that...

We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you.    We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly.  Thanks for your patience!

Just a leather circle...

Golden ring, with one tiny little stone
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring

The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.

My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...

It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol

I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.

I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?

We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.

It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."

So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.

Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.

Like the one I wear.

Later than late

Six weeks ago, this post would have been overdue. A month ago, it was late. So now it is too late to even be late.

I have excuses. I was sick. My children were sick. Other things needed my attention. But I cannot escape my responsibility for having not written. Time being linear, however, there is nothing to do but simply take up where I should never have left off.

Mistress spoke of taking care of each other, and I believe that is probably where real-life BDSM differs from its literary and video representations. It's easy to talk about humiliating someone (or being humiliated by someone) or to take and give beatings that end in bloodshed and severe injuries when the only thing that is actually spilled is ink (or pixels - even cheaper!). It is quite another thing when it is not a literary construct, but a breathing human being that is alone in a room with you.

Some of our struggles during the past few months have meant that many of the BDSM activities we enjoy have been sidelined. But what rose to take its place was the supportive and loving relationship that is necessary to sustain us for a lifetime. Of course, it has always been there. Or, at least, the promise of it has always been there. Like a fruit ripening from an early bloom, what we have has grown and matured.

This doesn't mean that we've lost our flair for kinkery. It just means that there is more than just kinkery. We are not cardboard cutouts, nor literary constructs. We are human beings who are learning how well we complement each other in life.

I think that speaks directly to the point Mistress was making about our limits having...let's say, expanded. This is simply a natural result of the greater connection we have been building. So long as we take care to tend this new growth, it is simply a promise of greater things to come, and is nothing to be feared. I think that once a person turns their back on trying to be what they should be and learns to simply be who they actually are, then growth, and the occasional surprise is inevitable. This is part of the reward of living an authentic life.

For a while, I have said that submission isn't what I do, but who I am. But it is not the sum total of who, or what, I am. Because I am not a literary construct, but a human being. I just happen to be a human being who is both male, and submissive, for the one I love.

Hunger and Curiousity

Hello you kinky or kink-curious folks,

The visit this weekend was side-lined by illness and other demands of life.  It sucks, big time.  So as I sit here, I start to wonder...  would the followers of this blog, which I have worked so hard to keep the wank fodder, kinky details and tales of wickedness out of...would those folks, or some of them, be interested in tales, real, imagined or a combination of the two?

So you tell me:  Do you hunger for details?  Would you enjoy stories? Do you read this blog in hopes of getting a little tingle from time to time?

Lets see what the people say.  I am asking, because I am horny as hell, having missed my weekend and because both tomio and I do erotic writing from time to time.

Would a side of wickedness be appreciated or scorned?  Hmmmm?

Its been a while since we posted, and I am sorry.  Life has once again imposed on Us and honestly with the holidays, families and other commitments, We have been swamped.

This post I want to talk about a number of things and perhaps one will spark into something bigger.

The first thing is taking care of one another.  Folks know that tomio and I currently live apart, but that our days are very connected.  We talk multiple times a day, cam when We can and text back and forth all day.  Since our budgets currently allow Us just a weekend a month, a lot of "life" happens in between.  We have both been sick on and off, and that is difficult.  As caring people it is hard too be away from your loved one when they are sick!  All I can do it offer remedies, recipes and advice.  The only good thing is that we are able to prevent the other from getting sick...because the physical contact is obviously limited.  LOL.

I have a very stressful job and it takes a lot out of Me.  When We are able to bring our lives together later on, it will be easier to unwind and de-stress.  But how do We do it now?  We have a very loving and connected relationship so we send each other as much sweetness as we can, and then we use some of our online time to connect in silly ways... we play online games.  These are not online sex games, please.  We play things like Scrabble where we can chat and also challenge each other mentally. We have also played a very dirty version of Scrabble when we are together (waggles eyebrows)...I am going to leave most of that to you, but will say it involves Me doing various naughty things to him, in a very unfair attempt to distract him.  (grins) But honestly the thing that he does on a daily basis, that feeds my soul and makes me feel loved, is he sings to me.  He has a few silly songs, but the ones that I love are Love Songs.  His voice is sort of Johnny Cash-esque, and I love it when he professes his love in musical form.  The singing is something that has gone on since the very beginning of our relationship. He sang to Me very early on, and made a lovely video of him singing Our song.  "Our song" is something private that he sings to me every night before sleep, and it means so very much to Me.   My point is that in trying to find Our happily ever after, we do things that are important to Us, and things that may not seem like much to an outsider, but is everything to Us.  I think happiness is made up of those little bits of inside magic.

Speaking of relationships, yesterday was Our TWO YEAR anniversary! YEY FOR US! Two years ago yesterday I put a custom made collar around his neck and claimed him as My own.  So much has happened, and we have learned so much about Ourselves and each other.  We have pushed the envelope in directions that we never thought it would go, and we have created a wonderful love that makes Us both whole.  Thank you, My love, My pet, for all you have given me!

Another thing that I would like to talk about again, but hopefully with a new twist is the exploration of boundaries a.k.a Limits.  When we got together, we had both agreed on a set of matching boundaries.  It was a list of things We both liked and things We did not.    Since our hungers matched perfectly we proceeded with our relationship.  Over time we got very comfortable with each other and in our talk about fantasies and interests We agreed to try a few new things from time to time.  We have explored many areas and found new fun stuff and stuff that was just ok.  There have been a few new things that are nothing great, so why bother and a few new things We loved.  One of the places where We have expanded our interest is more pain.  We are still a sensual, loving couple.  To see Us in public, you would never suspect that We are kinky as hell in private.  (I like it that way!)  But we have both found that we could push the pain envelope just a bit farther than either of Us thought We would...and We liked it!

I am sure that the "old guard" bullshit would still say We are fluff.  My attitude about that has not changed.  I did not invite anyone else into My fun, so I don't care what they think.  My point is that over time with comfort, intense trust and connection, boundaries CAN change.  Its a good thing to know what you like now, but just be aware that it could stretch in the future.

My former pet, the pain whore, is still a friend of Mine.  He was very surprised to learn that things had changed so much for Me.  As I thought about it I had to be honest, if he came back, I still don't think that things would change as much with him... because we do not have the trust and connection that My tomio and I share.  I could not be the Mistress I am to tomio, with anyone else.I just can't imagine it.  It took time to get where We are...

Well, I am going to wrap it up for now.  I hope that life settles the fuck down a bit, so I can write more, share more and just get in touch with My bad self.  God I love My bad self!  LOL   Ta-ta for now!  (rolls eyes)