Mistress and I started blogging because we realized we have a rare and wonderful love that is express through a D/s relationship. It wasn't filled with humiliation and degradation (as too much material out there would have you believe), but on mutual respect and compatible desires. We decided that there needs to be more voices of "normal" folks who enjoy BDSM as a lifestyle.
We try to keep things as real as we can. We often focus on what is good and pleasurable and wonderful and affirming. This, unfortunately, is not one of those posts. This is a post about my humanity, and how I'm so far from perfect, and how Mistress loved me enough to withstand my fury.
The reason for my anger isn't really important as far as this post is concerned. What is important is to know that something happened that surprised and shocked me. I quickly went from surprise to hurt, and then from hurt to anger. Then anger turned to rage and I exploded.
Early in my life, I struggled with an explosive anger. I learned how to control it by delaying my reactions. After all, there are few things in modern life that demand an immediate fight or flight response. Over the decades, I have practiced this into something close to second nature. This makes me slow to anger...most of the time.
I also have to say that this could not have happened at a worse time for Mistress. She came home from work with a bit of a scratchy throat, and it very quickly grew into a full-blown sickness (just a cold, but it was bad enough). By the time this incident happened, right before bedtime, She was exhausted. She had pushed herself to her limit...and I was about to push Her beyond it.
I tried to hold back and wait for a better time, but I couldn't. I was at the heights of distress, and everything came tumbling out with no filter whatsoever. I was raging at Her and wouldn't listen to any words of reason. I made accusations and I raised my voice, over and over again. Not only was I not submissive, I wasn't even respectful.
In short, I failed the dynamic on which our relationship is built. From the moment we began moving towards a relationship, I have been submissive in all of my dealings with Her. There have been perhaps a handful of times when I said things that were out of line, but a quick word from Her was all it took to restore the dynamic of our relationship. That did not happen this time. The dynamic completely broke down.
Mistress talked to me for two hours, and a good part of that time "talk" was merely me spouting angry words in a very disrespectful manner. Exhausted and physically sick, emotionally stunned and reeling from my accusations, She stayed with me. She took everything I flung at Her. She was strong in a way She should never have to be strong. I can only hope that I would have that kind of strength for Her if She needed it.
In the end, there was no way to definitively show what happened. I could either insist that I was right, and destroy everything we have built, or I could believe in Her. I chose the second path. I would like to say that I chose to believe Her because She is too valuable to me to not believe Her - but even though that is true, that isn't what convinced me to trust Her. I chose to believe Her because, when I finally calmed down, there was no reason for me not to believe Her. Everything I know about this woman insisted that I was wrong. So I swallowed what I believed happen and stepped into Her arms on faith, and believed Her.
There was damage to repair, but first, we needed sleep. It took me a while, but I slept, and woke up exhausted. As I always do, my first action was to text Mistress and greet Her for the day. Her reply told me that I had really hurt Her. I had rocked the foundation upon which we stand, and She wasn't going to jump back on Her feet immediately. "I'm sorry" is a great start, but it is never the ending.
So we talked. Then we talked. Then we talked some more. All of this while She was sick and physically drained from fighting sickness. She explained how it felt to be on the receiving end of my rage. She told me that it made Her scared to be near me if I should ever become like that again. She explained how it hurt Her that I did not believe Her. If we do not have trust; then do we have anything?
I spent some time reassuring Her. I explained how best to handle my rage (don't touch me, send me away to cool down). I apologized for my behavior. I promised it wouldn't happen again. She assured me that my emotions are acceptable, no matter what, but I have to find a better way to address them with Her.
After She rested, and I had time to think, we broached the subject yet again. I unpacked a lot of baggage that I have carried for years. None of it had anything to do with Her, but an innocent misunderstanding triggered all of the hurt and betrayal stuffed into that baggage. Without excusing my actions, She understood why I had behaved as I did. Without letting me off the hook for what I had done, She released me from responsibility for having been hurt in the past. Then She made me feel loved and treasured.
As Her control reasserted itself, I realized that I felt something else: safe. This is perhaps one of the greatest gifts that any person can give to another, but it is particularly necessary for a Dominant to give to a submissive - the understanding that it is safe to be submissive and not pretend to be in control of things. It is knowing that the harms of the past will not be renewed. It is knowing that love and acceptance do not change with moods. Without this safety, nothing else can be built.
I want to make it clear that the way She set about restoring Her authority was pleasant. She could have said, "I'm the Dominant, and you're the sub. You will do what I say." I would have accepted that, but I would have struggled with it. She could have simply punished me for my behavior. I would have accepted that, as well, but it would not have restored our relationship - only the authority that I had usurped. Instead, She found out what was going on with me, what I needed to prevent further outbursts, what to do if the prevention failed, and then - THEN - She set up new rules to deal with this new situation.
Such events are never truly behind us, though. They are rolled into the ongoing experience of how we relate to each other. These things either tear people apart, or make them realize what is important and strengthen them. We have taken the second path, and that is because She chose to listen with love and help me through a crisis before restoring Her authority, and I chose to trust the woman I love - who is, after all, the most trustworthy person I've ever known.
For the love
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Compare and Contrast: The Mighty Dildo Review
You know how it is when you order a new toy and wait with joyful expectation for its arrival so you can try it out and just lay there in the blissful afterglow, amazed by how much better reality is than any fantasy you've ever had?
If you've ever had that feeling; then hold that memory dear, because you won't be experiencing it with the Doc Johnson Raging Hardons Slimline Cobalt Blue Jellie 7-inch Ballsie. First of all, the name is WAY too complicated. I want to choke on the cock in my throat, not the name attached to it. But Doc Johnson is generally a good company and it offers affordable toys of decent quality. So we ordered it. And we were excited when it came in. So far, so good.
I think the good doctor may need his license examined. At the very least, it is apparent that Doc Johnson is not a urologist or male genitalia specialist of any sort. If this is what the Doc considers to be a "raging hardon" then I truly pity whatever woman he is with. It has the rigidity of a warm hot dog. It can't even stand up on its own without leaning over like a yoga master. Mistress has taken to referring to it as "the Raging Flacid."
Other than the exceptionally misleading name, it's a decent product. I enjoyed it in my throat and could even take short, slow breaths around it. This means I could stay down on it longer, which is fun. It didn't even come close to triggering a gag reflex...which takes the challenge away. I like it when I choke a bit - Mistress loves the way my eyes tear up when I stare up at Her in adoration, and I feel totally slutty (in the best way) when a bit of drool falls from my lips and drops onto my chest. So it's a trade off - easier to deep throat, but less of the fun stuff that comes from doing so. Of course, I could just spit on myself and She could poke my eye, but that just isn't as sexy.
At the other end, it was about the same. It was too soft for Mistress to thrust with it in Her harness, so She had to take matters (and dildo) into hand. Because it is fairly slender, it was easy to take and the ridges felt wonderful. However, She had to go fairly slowly because otherwise it sort of wobbled and threatened to double over instead of going in.
So it's a good, affordable toy - but the name is misleading (even though it is called "jellie" - after all, some jelly-like products are also fairly rigid). We both enjoyed having the toy, but felt a bit ripped-off. I think it would be a great toy for someone who wants to try a dildo for the first time, but I would advise the "raging hardon" be removed from the name.
We continued our search for the Perfect Girl-Cock with a grab-bag order from Tantus. The good news is that the price was incredible. The bad news, potentially, is that you have no control over the color of the toy, though you can choose the toy. That's what grab bag means, after all. What we got was a pink Echo Vibrator and a coffee colored Vamp.
We tried the Echo first, with the vibrating bullet removed. The girth was just right to trigger a soft gag reflex that I could easily control. It fit into my throat without any sense of stretching and I wasn't able to breath around it. This makes deep throating a work of breath control - which I love - and it leaves me a little breathless. My eyes teared satisfactorily, but Mistress stopped just before I started drooling. A little longer, though, and I would have been a very messy slut (maybe next time).
Mistress had no trouble slipping it into my ass. The girth was, again, perfect. The length was perfect. The ripples gave just enough stimulation to turn me into a whimper ball of ecstasy. I found just the right arch of my back to allow it to stroke my prostate so that I was dripping within a few moments. Mistress could take me as hard as She wanted and as fast as She wanted. She could also take me slowly and lovingly. It performed as well no matter how She used it.
The only thing that didn't exceed our expectations was the vibe. It is bigger and more powerful than most bullet vibes, but it just didn't hit Mistress in the right spot. Given the variation among women, I don't know how a designer could possibly make one that is right for everyone, though. One of my fantasies is for Her to take me until She orgasms from it...and I don't think that will happen with this one.
I would still give it my highest recommendation. It is a wonderful toy, and just thinking about taking it again gives me a yummy tingling in my lower belly.
Mistress didn't really care for the color of the Vamp because She doesn't want a girl-cock that looks like a boy-cock. In general, the color doesn't have any impact for me. Compared to the Echo, it has a bit bigger girth. It feels a bit shorter, when on the business side of it, but I couldn't swear that it is.
Kneeling before Her and seeing it at eye level was just a bit intimidating, but in an exciting way. The color DID make a difference, but it was not major and not unpleasant. It did not fit easily into my throat. I had to choke back my gag reflex and push hard. When it was in, I felt...impaled. If it had been a half inch longer, I think it would have been more comfortable, but I couldn't swear that I could get that much in my throat. It would be an excellent tool to help me learn to control my gag reflex better.
The increased girth made me gasp when Mistress pushed into my ass. She has a plug that is bigger and we both love when I take that, so it wasn't enough to make me feel stretched. But I knew that I was taking a big cock in my ass. That, in itself, made me feel slutty and dirty (again, these are good things for me). When Mistress drew back, the tip just started to slide out of me before She pounded it into me again (this is why I think it is a bit shorter than the Echo). This made my anus flex uncontrollably in a way that the Echo didn't. That extra loss of control was a big bonus for me. Plus, it is big enough that it drove air from my lungs with every thrust, so that I was panting in short order.
Again, I was able to arch so that it hit my prostate - though "pummeled" is more like it. Yes, that is also a good thing. Wetness dripped out of me and slid down my thigh, making me feel like the dirtiest bitch that ever took a girl-cock in his ass. I think if Mistress had kept it up just a bit longer, I would have had an orgasm from it (and I have had real and true orgasms - white creamy ejaculate pumping from my cock - from Her taking my ass, so I'm not exaggerating).
Like the Echo, this has my highest recommendation. However, it is definitely not a beginner's toy. But both the Echo and the Vamp left us with that very happy feeling of having gotten more than we expected - and at an amazing price.
If you've ever had that feeling; then hold that memory dear, because you won't be experiencing it with the Doc Johnson Raging Hardons Slimline Cobalt Blue Jellie 7-inch Ballsie. First of all, the name is WAY too complicated. I want to choke on the cock in my throat, not the name attached to it. But Doc Johnson is generally a good company and it offers affordable toys of decent quality. So we ordered it. And we were excited when it came in. So far, so good.
I think the good doctor may need his license examined. At the very least, it is apparent that Doc Johnson is not a urologist or male genitalia specialist of any sort. If this is what the Doc considers to be a "raging hardon" then I truly pity whatever woman he is with. It has the rigidity of a warm hot dog. It can't even stand up on its own without leaning over like a yoga master. Mistress has taken to referring to it as "the Raging Flacid."
Other than the exceptionally misleading name, it's a decent product. I enjoyed it in my throat and could even take short, slow breaths around it. This means I could stay down on it longer, which is fun. It didn't even come close to triggering a gag reflex...which takes the challenge away. I like it when I choke a bit - Mistress loves the way my eyes tear up when I stare up at Her in adoration, and I feel totally slutty (in the best way) when a bit of drool falls from my lips and drops onto my chest. So it's a trade off - easier to deep throat, but less of the fun stuff that comes from doing so. Of course, I could just spit on myself and She could poke my eye, but that just isn't as sexy.
At the other end, it was about the same. It was too soft for Mistress to thrust with it in Her harness, so She had to take matters (and dildo) into hand. Because it is fairly slender, it was easy to take and the ridges felt wonderful. However, She had to go fairly slowly because otherwise it sort of wobbled and threatened to double over instead of going in.
So it's a good, affordable toy - but the name is misleading (even though it is called "jellie" - after all, some jelly-like products are also fairly rigid). We both enjoyed having the toy, but felt a bit ripped-off. I think it would be a great toy for someone who wants to try a dildo for the first time, but I would advise the "raging hardon" be removed from the name.
We continued our search for the Perfect Girl-Cock with a grab-bag order from Tantus. The good news is that the price was incredible. The bad news, potentially, is that you have no control over the color of the toy, though you can choose the toy. That's what grab bag means, after all. What we got was a pink Echo Vibrator and a coffee colored Vamp.
We tried the Echo first, with the vibrating bullet removed. The girth was just right to trigger a soft gag reflex that I could easily control. It fit into my throat without any sense of stretching and I wasn't able to breath around it. This makes deep throating a work of breath control - which I love - and it leaves me a little breathless. My eyes teared satisfactorily, but Mistress stopped just before I started drooling. A little longer, though, and I would have been a very messy slut (maybe next time).
Mistress had no trouble slipping it into my ass. The girth was, again, perfect. The length was perfect. The ripples gave just enough stimulation to turn me into a whimper ball of ecstasy. I found just the right arch of my back to allow it to stroke my prostate so that I was dripping within a few moments. Mistress could take me as hard as She wanted and as fast as She wanted. She could also take me slowly and lovingly. It performed as well no matter how She used it.
The only thing that didn't exceed our expectations was the vibe. It is bigger and more powerful than most bullet vibes, but it just didn't hit Mistress in the right spot. Given the variation among women, I don't know how a designer could possibly make one that is right for everyone, though. One of my fantasies is for Her to take me until She orgasms from it...and I don't think that will happen with this one.
I would still give it my highest recommendation. It is a wonderful toy, and just thinking about taking it again gives me a yummy tingling in my lower belly.
Mistress didn't really care for the color of the Vamp because She doesn't want a girl-cock that looks like a boy-cock. In general, the color doesn't have any impact for me. Compared to the Echo, it has a bit bigger girth. It feels a bit shorter, when on the business side of it, but I couldn't swear that it is.
Kneeling before Her and seeing it at eye level was just a bit intimidating, but in an exciting way. The color DID make a difference, but it was not major and not unpleasant. It did not fit easily into my throat. I had to choke back my gag reflex and push hard. When it was in, I felt...impaled. If it had been a half inch longer, I think it would have been more comfortable, but I couldn't swear that I could get that much in my throat. It would be an excellent tool to help me learn to control my gag reflex better.
The increased girth made me gasp when Mistress pushed into my ass. She has a plug that is bigger and we both love when I take that, so it wasn't enough to make me feel stretched. But I knew that I was taking a big cock in my ass. That, in itself, made me feel slutty and dirty (again, these are good things for me). When Mistress drew back, the tip just started to slide out of me before She pounded it into me again (this is why I think it is a bit shorter than the Echo). This made my anus flex uncontrollably in a way that the Echo didn't. That extra loss of control was a big bonus for me. Plus, it is big enough that it drove air from my lungs with every thrust, so that I was panting in short order.
Again, I was able to arch so that it hit my prostate - though "pummeled" is more like it. Yes, that is also a good thing. Wetness dripped out of me and slid down my thigh, making me feel like the dirtiest bitch that ever took a girl-cock in his ass. I think if Mistress had kept it up just a bit longer, I would have had an orgasm from it (and I have had real and true orgasms - white creamy ejaculate pumping from my cock - from Her taking my ass, so I'm not exaggerating).
Like the Echo, this has my highest recommendation. However, it is definitely not a beginner's toy. But both the Echo and the Vamp left us with that very happy feeling of having gotten more than we expected - and at an amazing price.
Monday, September 23, 2013
The Human factor of BDSM
(I truly love the way he writes and thinks! SIGH)
That post makes Me think of all of the really horrible encounters with submissive men...and makes Me realize how lucky I am to have found My tomio.
I did not set out to be part of this lifestyle. I found it by accident thanks to a Dominant man who offered something I had never considered. I was shocked and horrified by it, honestly. I did not understand it.. but I was intrigued. I was living a life of frustration... unfulfilled, wanting something, and not knowing what I wanted. So I stumbled and fumbled and discovered a lot about Myself and My needs and My hungers. I found that unlike the the hopes of My first toy, I was not submissive. I was also not a switch, I tried to be, and it was... not pretty. It honestly made Me quite ugly.
So imagine Me, previously a good girl, suddenly realizing why I was so unfulfilled. I was only a good girl in public... behind closed doors I was... well I was something else. Not only that, but it was a BIG something else... something viewed as wrong by some, wicked by others... Where does one take that sort of energy? And what is the point of having that energy if you cannot share it?
So I did the unthinkable. While continuing to play on and off with this Dom, who was willing to be My sub for short periods of time (it was a disaster of a relationship, but we will talk more about that at another time) I went in search of a submissive.
Yeah, um... not a fun trip. I encountered the old men, the very young men, the sissies, the girls who wanted to be boys, the men who wanted to be submissive but still be in charge and the men who thought they might be submissive but weren't sure. I feel like I hit the mother load of bullshit. I know that sounds awful to say, but I was hitting wall after wall after wall. What kind of fucked up maze did I get myself into and where the fuck is the door??
I agree entirely with tomio on his take on the fantasy verses reality. Men seem to get into this loop of liking an image and creating a fantasy around it. Then they try to recreate the fantasy with a person, but HEY news flash, real life and fantasy are rarely something that can run congruently!
The first thing they forget is that the person on the other end is, in fact, HUMAN. This means they have needs, wants, desires and GASP (you can't be serious) they have FEELINGS! (Low groan from the fantasy realm.) Which means they can get hurt, angry and other such truly un-fantastic things.
I have had great interactions that go south in a big fat hurry: There have been old men who want to move in with Me to live out their golden years (umm wow. No.) The 20-somethings vow to serve Me without ever meeting Me, then immediately want to see a picture, which I don't send and they get mad and say stupid things like "I bet you are just a big fat sow anyways!" (Yeah, perhaps if you pulled my ponytail it will get my attention.) Or they are great and brave until you actually reply then they freak out and panic and disappear. Even better is when I mention that real life is not like fantasy then their heads explode and they run away to cry because I was mean... SIGH.
I used to view My inbox with great excitement! Yay, someone reaching out, a chance, an opportunity, oh the joy of the potential...Oh it's a cock. Its a picture of an average looking cock and a note saying I should give him a try because he is everything I have ever dreamed of... or better yet, a video of some headless man with a furry body...stroking. (heavy sigh. DELETE)
I was fed up, sick of it and just plain frustrated. I was ready to give up, hang up My boots and be done with it. Then I bumped into tomio and reacted to him with human kindness and compassion. We talked a lot online, then on the phone, then in person... it grew into something that neither of us could have imagined. It is amazing, truly. Our relationship is the most fulfilling one I have ever had in My life, and I am grateful for the way he loves Me! He never sent Me a picture of his dick... at least not until I told him to! (grins wickedly)
Here is the thing... I would never have connected with the man of My dreams if he led with his cock! He led with his brain, and heart and he left his cock firmly tucked into his boxer briefs, inside of zipped pants, with a book on his lap.
Some of us want to know the person, not just the cock. I know, I know, its a radical thought, but opening the door with a cock is just not... ok its not sanitary (LMAO!) but it's also not how I view men. They are not a cock with a personality. They are personalities that if they are very lucky and the chemistry is right, I may get to know the cock later... maybe. I know there are people who view BDSM as a sexual thing, just a dirty way to get your rocks off. I have to say that I have had several D/s relationships that did NOT involve sexual intercourse. This is one of the few places where tomio and I disagree... I do not consider strap-on play to be sexual intercourse. He does. To Me it is an act of submission, a show of My Dominance... That being said, My relationship with tomio has taken it to another level entirely and now it is a sexual experience with him... especially if I keep him on his back! Words cannot describe that feeling.
Okay, so back to the interaction thing... as a Sensual Dominant I have formed connections with pets or potential pets that have cause heart ache, sadness and tears on My part. I am human, I have feelings, and those feelings get hurt...
I recently was having a great online conversation with a twenty-something man. We were bouncing ideas and thoughts off each other, discussing issues, getting right into the nitty-gritty and I was really enjoying it. The first time he went a while without a reply I did a WTF, and he said he was just busy. Then he just stops replying entirely. Stops. One week, two...a month later still no word, and no reply to "hey, are you dead?" posts. (I could see that he had been on the site numerous times.) So I lost My temper and told him off. Really, what kind of person just stops a conversation in the middle and never comes back? Its not a Dominant thing, its about respect for another human! That is a bullshit way to handle interactions, I am sorry but that is just bullshit. He seems to have gotten THAT message, since he blocked Me...
The bottom line of all of this ranting is that people need to understand that there is another human on the other end and respect and decency are not out of the question, even when you are dealing with something as wild as BDSM. It's not hard to be good to one another. It's not difficult to be real and decent and respectful to other people. After all, these are the people that you could end up in an intimate relationship with, if you are very lucky.
That post makes Me think of all of the really horrible encounters with submissive men...and makes Me realize how lucky I am to have found My tomio.
I did not set out to be part of this lifestyle. I found it by accident thanks to a Dominant man who offered something I had never considered. I was shocked and horrified by it, honestly. I did not understand it.. but I was intrigued. I was living a life of frustration... unfulfilled, wanting something, and not knowing what I wanted. So I stumbled and fumbled and discovered a lot about Myself and My needs and My hungers. I found that unlike the the hopes of My first toy, I was not submissive. I was also not a switch, I tried to be, and it was... not pretty. It honestly made Me quite ugly.
So imagine Me, previously a good girl, suddenly realizing why I was so unfulfilled. I was only a good girl in public... behind closed doors I was... well I was something else. Not only that, but it was a BIG something else... something viewed as wrong by some, wicked by others... Where does one take that sort of energy? And what is the point of having that energy if you cannot share it?
So I did the unthinkable. While continuing to play on and off with this Dom, who was willing to be My sub for short periods of time (it was a disaster of a relationship, but we will talk more about that at another time) I went in search of a submissive.
Yeah, um... not a fun trip. I encountered the old men, the very young men, the sissies, the girls who wanted to be boys, the men who wanted to be submissive but still be in charge and the men who thought they might be submissive but weren't sure. I feel like I hit the mother load of bullshit. I know that sounds awful to say, but I was hitting wall after wall after wall. What kind of fucked up maze did I get myself into and where the fuck is the door??
I agree entirely with tomio on his take on the fantasy verses reality. Men seem to get into this loop of liking an image and creating a fantasy around it. Then they try to recreate the fantasy with a person, but HEY news flash, real life and fantasy are rarely something that can run congruently!
The first thing they forget is that the person on the other end is, in fact, HUMAN. This means they have needs, wants, desires and GASP (you can't be serious) they have FEELINGS! (Low groan from the fantasy realm.) Which means they can get hurt, angry and other such truly un-fantastic things.
I have had great interactions that go south in a big fat hurry: There have been old men who want to move in with Me to live out their golden years (umm wow. No.) The 20-somethings vow to serve Me without ever meeting Me, then immediately want to see a picture, which I don't send and they get mad and say stupid things like "I bet you are just a big fat sow anyways!" (Yeah, perhaps if you pulled my ponytail it will get my attention.) Or they are great and brave until you actually reply then they freak out and panic and disappear. Even better is when I mention that real life is not like fantasy then their heads explode and they run away to cry because I was mean... SIGH.
I used to view My inbox with great excitement! Yay, someone reaching out, a chance, an opportunity, oh the joy of the potential...Oh it's a cock. Its a picture of an average looking cock and a note saying I should give him a try because he is everything I have ever dreamed of... or better yet, a video of some headless man with a furry body...stroking. (heavy sigh. DELETE)
I was fed up, sick of it and just plain frustrated. I was ready to give up, hang up My boots and be done with it. Then I bumped into tomio and reacted to him with human kindness and compassion. We talked a lot online, then on the phone, then in person... it grew into something that neither of us could have imagined. It is amazing, truly. Our relationship is the most fulfilling one I have ever had in My life, and I am grateful for the way he loves Me! He never sent Me a picture of his dick... at least not until I told him to! (grins wickedly)
Here is the thing... I would never have connected with the man of My dreams if he led with his cock! He led with his brain, and heart and he left his cock firmly tucked into his boxer briefs, inside of zipped pants, with a book on his lap.
Some of us want to know the person, not just the cock. I know, I know, its a radical thought, but opening the door with a cock is just not... ok its not sanitary (LMAO!) but it's also not how I view men. They are not a cock with a personality. They are personalities that if they are very lucky and the chemistry is right, I may get to know the cock later... maybe. I know there are people who view BDSM as a sexual thing, just a dirty way to get your rocks off. I have to say that I have had several D/s relationships that did NOT involve sexual intercourse. This is one of the few places where tomio and I disagree... I do not consider strap-on play to be sexual intercourse. He does. To Me it is an act of submission, a show of My Dominance... That being said, My relationship with tomio has taken it to another level entirely and now it is a sexual experience with him... especially if I keep him on his back! Words cannot describe that feeling.
Okay, so back to the interaction thing... as a Sensual Dominant I have formed connections with pets or potential pets that have cause heart ache, sadness and tears on My part. I am human, I have feelings, and those feelings get hurt...
I recently was having a great online conversation with a twenty-something man. We were bouncing ideas and thoughts off each other, discussing issues, getting right into the nitty-gritty and I was really enjoying it. The first time he went a while without a reply I did a WTF, and he said he was just busy. Then he just stops replying entirely. Stops. One week, two...a month later still no word, and no reply to "hey, are you dead?" posts. (I could see that he had been on the site numerous times.) So I lost My temper and told him off. Really, what kind of person just stops a conversation in the middle and never comes back? Its not a Dominant thing, its about respect for another human! That is a bullshit way to handle interactions, I am sorry but that is just bullshit. He seems to have gotten THAT message, since he blocked Me...
The bottom line of all of this ranting is that people need to understand that there is another human on the other end and respect and decency are not out of the question, even when you are dealing with something as wild as BDSM. It's not hard to be good to one another. It's not difficult to be real and decent and respectful to other people. After all, these are the people that you could end up in an intimate relationship with, if you are very lucky.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
BDSM and intimacy (or put your dick in your pants and your heart on your sleeve)
I love the TV series "Bones." I like that the lead female (Temperance Brennan) is very intelligent and struggles with emotional intelligence and social graces - much the opposite of the typical TV female lead - but does so without being butch and/or macho. I also see a lot of myself in the lead male, FBI Special Agent Seeley Boothe. He is devoutly religious, after his own path, and he does what he does because he thinks the good guys should win, even though he knows they don't always. He also loves Dr. Brennan intensely, and would not hesitate to put his life on the line for her, and to kill for her protection when necessary. At the bottom of his rugged exterior, he is the ultimate romantic at heart.
One of my favorite episodes, the victim was involved in an alternate lifestyle. By the end of the episode, Boothe and Bones have delved into it just enough that Boothe feels sorry for the practitioners. When asked why, he says (I'm paraphrasing): "The whole point of that stuff is to make less of a person out of the person you are with. When you do that, you can't reach the place where sex unites two people and they become one for just a few moments."
This is, I believe, pretty much how the general public understands BDSM. After all, Dr. Freud insisted from the start that the whole reason a guy likes high heels, for example, is because he wants to bone his mom and the high heels makes it easier for him to deal with that desire. (I disagree with Freud on the degree to which parental attraction is both necessary and inevitable.) As long as psychiatry and psychology have been around, BDSM has been seen as a deviant activity that spoke of some hidden sickness within a person's psyche. Fortunately, the medical community is changing its mind about this, but it will take decades before the general public come around to that understanding.
In the beginning, none of us are experienced BDSM'ers. We have to get introduced to concepts and practices and come to some understanding of what our personal needs are, and how we can express those needs to someone else. If we are fortunate; then there is actually someone who cares about us to help us - or at least someone who cares that we don't get hurt while we are trying to figure things out. Until that general public perception of BDSM changes, however, a whole lot of people are only going to learn about things online. That means that there will be some common problems - some of which are nearly legendary among those of us who have been around a bit.
I think the source of a lot of problems is the oppositional nature of fantasy and intimacy (and I don't mean "sex" - that euphemism ignores the fact that sex can be anonymous). When a lot of guys first make contact with a woman who identifies as Dominant, all he has to guide his actions are way too much fantasy, and the porn that feeds it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with fantasies, or with porn. I've talked about porn before, so I won't rehash that, but I think fantasies are probably healthy - at least, to a point.
The submissive fantasies of men tend to run along these lines: A woman finds out that I am submissive and she immediately begins to force me to do all of the things I really want to do anyway. We fall in love and live happily every after. ZZZZZZZZZZ (because men fall asleep after their fantasies wrap up in the 0.04 seconds between orgasm and sleep). It's great for fantasy, but it's a pretty lame script to try to put into practice.
I understand that a lot of guys (not all), for a lot of reasons, are uncomfortable with their submissiveness. I've been there. Submissiveness is not generally considered a desirable attribute for adult males. So that desire gets hidden and only comes out in fantasy. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for a person to have a truly submissive fantasy. Submission, after all, requires that someone else be in charge, and the person fantasizing is in total control of the fantasy...so the focus falls on fetish wear and specific scenes and/or activities.
Then a guy sneaks down to the computer in the middle of the night and finds a site where Dominant Women are actually out there! Oh boy! Maybe she also likes guys who crossdress and eat fried green tomatoes. This is what he has been looking for! OH MY GOD! He flips out, summons all of his courage, and...
sends a photo of his cock? REALLY?!?!!
sends her an email promising his everlasting servitude? REALLY?!?!?!!!
Let me go on the record here as shooting straight from the hip - if one of you guys sends a cock pic to a woman and she gets excited enough to immediately enslave you...it probably isn't a woman on the other end of the internet.
I spent six years in the Navy, living in open bay berthing where I showered with a hundred other guys (literally). I've seen a lot of cock. They aren't really that impressive. I mean - there was one guy who could unzip his fly and stick the head of his dick in his pocket and THAT was impressive, but other than that, it's just a dick. It wasn't like he could make it deal cards or anything.
What's the thought process here? She will see that one certain vein in your shaft and just KNOW that you are the one for her? Get a grip - on something other than your own shaft.
Look, I am a big fan of female genitalia. But if I got a steady stream of crotch shots that said, "You will worship this pussy or else!!" I would get a little tired of it. Well, maybe I wouldn't get tired of the pics - big fan, after all - but I would get tired of the attitude, and with a quickness that would make the Flash feel inadequate. I enjoy Dominant Women, in general, but that doesn't mean I want to actually serve every woman in the world. What if they all wanted coffee at once? (All joking aside, I serve one and only one woman and she gives me everything I need... and crotch shots, are really not what I want or need....)
And about the immediate offers of eternal servitude? Permanent femdom relationships are the grand slam home-run and you haven't even dribbled one weakly into left field. You are asking for a RELATIONSHIP. If you are going to jump into a relationship with someone you don't know; then you are begging for a butt-load of problems. There is a reason why most people date before they get married, and everlasting servitude is something akin to offering marriage.
This is what happens when someone tries to impose fantasy on reality: You end up treating someone like garbage, because you are treating yourself like garbage. Fantasies - even really great ones - are disposable. When you come-on like a porn star, you are asking someone to be just as disposable as the tenth-last porn video you saw.
BDSM'ers talk about trust and safety in relation to a person's body, and with good reason. But to achieve intimacy, there has to be an understanding of trust and safety on an emotional level. It is not possible to be intimate with a person unless you are willing to reveal a piece of your self. Revealing that vulnerable self means opening yourself up to being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed.
Once that vulnerability is established, that piece of self has to be accepted and cherished. The trust has to be tested, and found to be well-placed. Such an experience is heart-warming, uplifting, and even enlightening.
The point I'm making is that it is both a wonderful thing to have and a scary thing to pursue. Fantasies aren't like that. Fantasies don't involve another person (other than as an object of fantasy). Fantasies involve no risk. Fantasies are safe and comfortable and wonderful. They stoke our ego, feed our ambition, and give us hope that something better is out there.
But fantasy isn't enough. Humans are, ultimately, herd animals and we need to be around others that are like us. We want to reveal ourselves and be accepted. We crave intimacy. That's what drives a guy to get up in the middle of the night and risk the happiness of his marriage by chasing wank fodder in the worst possible way. That has to change. It isn't fair to a whole generation of Dominant Women to ask them to simply put up with the rude, crude, and downright abusive behavior from submissive men just because we don't know how to move from fantasy to intimacy. It isn't fair to a whole generation of submissive men to keep them emotionally stupid and stunted just because they don't know how to reach beyond a fantasy and find intimacy.
I think two things need to happen.
First, men have to understand that the functional word in "Dominant Woman" is "WOMAN" - meaning a human being of the female sort. She has to take the same risks as you do, guys. If you aren't ready to move forward; then say something about it. You figure out what you are ready to do and be clear. It's okay to say you are scared. Women tend to understand things like that. Don't send a cock-shot until she asks for it (if she ever does). You wouldn't walk up to her in a bar and wave your dick to get her attention, so don't do it online. And, just like in real life, a one night stand is fine if that is what both people are after, but if you offer eternity and then run like a roach in the daylight, you are just being a dick.
Secondly, we need some way to change societal standards of BDSM as a pure fetishistic endeavor. We have to make sure that people understand that, odd as it may sound, spanking someone doesn't dehumanize them, but makes them more human. Tying someone up doesn't objectify them; it reveals them to us. Or whatever your particular way of relating to your partner might be - it gets you closer, not further away. For all of its faults, Fifty Shades at least put BDSM - in a highly fantasized fashion - on the discussion table for the general public. Given the popularity of authors like Laurel Hamilton, there is a hunger out there for fiction that depicts strong women (who remain feminine, even when they kick ass) who enjoy being in control, and men who enjoy giving them that control.
As much as I love the character on Bones, he is wrong. Alternate lifestyles aren't wrong because they dehumanize and fetishize people, because sometimes - sometimes - they reveal a person's spirit and shower them in adoration and appreciation. I know that because I have experienced it. Submission helped me to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It made me feel free to not pretend, even in the act of making love, to be something I wasn't. It made me realize who I really am, and it helped me love my Mistress. It is a path to true intimacy. It is a way to love.
BDSM is a way for two people to experience each other in a way that their souls become one.
One of my favorite episodes, the victim was involved in an alternate lifestyle. By the end of the episode, Boothe and Bones have delved into it just enough that Boothe feels sorry for the practitioners. When asked why, he says (I'm paraphrasing): "The whole point of that stuff is to make less of a person out of the person you are with. When you do that, you can't reach the place where sex unites two people and they become one for just a few moments."
This is, I believe, pretty much how the general public understands BDSM. After all, Dr. Freud insisted from the start that the whole reason a guy likes high heels, for example, is because he wants to bone his mom and the high heels makes it easier for him to deal with that desire. (I disagree with Freud on the degree to which parental attraction is both necessary and inevitable.) As long as psychiatry and psychology have been around, BDSM has been seen as a deviant activity that spoke of some hidden sickness within a person's psyche. Fortunately, the medical community is changing its mind about this, but it will take decades before the general public come around to that understanding.
In the beginning, none of us are experienced BDSM'ers. We have to get introduced to concepts and practices and come to some understanding of what our personal needs are, and how we can express those needs to someone else. If we are fortunate; then there is actually someone who cares about us to help us - or at least someone who cares that we don't get hurt while we are trying to figure things out. Until that general public perception of BDSM changes, however, a whole lot of people are only going to learn about things online. That means that there will be some common problems - some of which are nearly legendary among those of us who have been around a bit.
I think the source of a lot of problems is the oppositional nature of fantasy and intimacy (and I don't mean "sex" - that euphemism ignores the fact that sex can be anonymous). When a lot of guys first make contact with a woman who identifies as Dominant, all he has to guide his actions are way too much fantasy, and the porn that feeds it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with fantasies, or with porn. I've talked about porn before, so I won't rehash that, but I think fantasies are probably healthy - at least, to a point.
The submissive fantasies of men tend to run along these lines: A woman finds out that I am submissive and she immediately begins to force me to do all of the things I really want to do anyway. We fall in love and live happily every after. ZZZZZZZZZZ (because men fall asleep after their fantasies wrap up in the 0.04 seconds between orgasm and sleep). It's great for fantasy, but it's a pretty lame script to try to put into practice.
I understand that a lot of guys (not all), for a lot of reasons, are uncomfortable with their submissiveness. I've been there. Submissiveness is not generally considered a desirable attribute for adult males. So that desire gets hidden and only comes out in fantasy. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for a person to have a truly submissive fantasy. Submission, after all, requires that someone else be in charge, and the person fantasizing is in total control of the fantasy...so the focus falls on fetish wear and specific scenes and/or activities.
Then a guy sneaks down to the computer in the middle of the night and finds a site where Dominant Women are actually out there! Oh boy! Maybe she also likes guys who crossdress and eat fried green tomatoes. This is what he has been looking for! OH MY GOD! He flips out, summons all of his courage, and...
sends a photo of his cock? REALLY?!?!!
sends her an email promising his everlasting servitude? REALLY?!?!?!!!
Let me go on the record here as shooting straight from the hip - if one of you guys sends a cock pic to a woman and she gets excited enough to immediately enslave you...it probably isn't a woman on the other end of the internet.
I spent six years in the Navy, living in open bay berthing where I showered with a hundred other guys (literally). I've seen a lot of cock. They aren't really that impressive. I mean - there was one guy who could unzip his fly and stick the head of his dick in his pocket and THAT was impressive, but other than that, it's just a dick. It wasn't like he could make it deal cards or anything.
What's the thought process here? She will see that one certain vein in your shaft and just KNOW that you are the one for her? Get a grip - on something other than your own shaft.
Look, I am a big fan of female genitalia. But if I got a steady stream of crotch shots that said, "You will worship this pussy or else!!" I would get a little tired of it. Well, maybe I wouldn't get tired of the pics - big fan, after all - but I would get tired of the attitude, and with a quickness that would make the Flash feel inadequate. I enjoy Dominant Women, in general, but that doesn't mean I want to actually serve every woman in the world. What if they all wanted coffee at once? (All joking aside, I serve one and only one woman and she gives me everything I need... and crotch shots, are really not what I want or need....)
And about the immediate offers of eternal servitude? Permanent femdom relationships are the grand slam home-run and you haven't even dribbled one weakly into left field. You are asking for a RELATIONSHIP. If you are going to jump into a relationship with someone you don't know; then you are begging for a butt-load of problems. There is a reason why most people date before they get married, and everlasting servitude is something akin to offering marriage.
This is what happens when someone tries to impose fantasy on reality: You end up treating someone like garbage, because you are treating yourself like garbage. Fantasies - even really great ones - are disposable. When you come-on like a porn star, you are asking someone to be just as disposable as the tenth-last porn video you saw.
BDSM'ers talk about trust and safety in relation to a person's body, and with good reason. But to achieve intimacy, there has to be an understanding of trust and safety on an emotional level. It is not possible to be intimate with a person unless you are willing to reveal a piece of your self. Revealing that vulnerable self means opening yourself up to being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed.
Once that vulnerability is established, that piece of self has to be accepted and cherished. The trust has to be tested, and found to be well-placed. Such an experience is heart-warming, uplifting, and even enlightening.
The point I'm making is that it is both a wonderful thing to have and a scary thing to pursue. Fantasies aren't like that. Fantasies don't involve another person (other than as an object of fantasy). Fantasies involve no risk. Fantasies are safe and comfortable and wonderful. They stoke our ego, feed our ambition, and give us hope that something better is out there.
But fantasy isn't enough. Humans are, ultimately, herd animals and we need to be around others that are like us. We want to reveal ourselves and be accepted. We crave intimacy. That's what drives a guy to get up in the middle of the night and risk the happiness of his marriage by chasing wank fodder in the worst possible way. That has to change. It isn't fair to a whole generation of Dominant Women to ask them to simply put up with the rude, crude, and downright abusive behavior from submissive men just because we don't know how to move from fantasy to intimacy. It isn't fair to a whole generation of submissive men to keep them emotionally stupid and stunted just because they don't know how to reach beyond a fantasy and find intimacy.
I think two things need to happen.
First, men have to understand that the functional word in "Dominant Woman" is "WOMAN" - meaning a human being of the female sort. She has to take the same risks as you do, guys. If you aren't ready to move forward; then say something about it. You figure out what you are ready to do and be clear. It's okay to say you are scared. Women tend to understand things like that. Don't send a cock-shot until she asks for it (if she ever does). You wouldn't walk up to her in a bar and wave your dick to get her attention, so don't do it online. And, just like in real life, a one night stand is fine if that is what both people are after, but if you offer eternity and then run like a roach in the daylight, you are just being a dick.
Secondly, we need some way to change societal standards of BDSM as a pure fetishistic endeavor. We have to make sure that people understand that, odd as it may sound, spanking someone doesn't dehumanize them, but makes them more human. Tying someone up doesn't objectify them; it reveals them to us. Or whatever your particular way of relating to your partner might be - it gets you closer, not further away. For all of its faults, Fifty Shades at least put BDSM - in a highly fantasized fashion - on the discussion table for the general public. Given the popularity of authors like Laurel Hamilton, there is a hunger out there for fiction that depicts strong women (who remain feminine, even when they kick ass) who enjoy being in control, and men who enjoy giving them that control.
As much as I love the character on Bones, he is wrong. Alternate lifestyles aren't wrong because they dehumanize and fetishize people, because sometimes - sometimes - they reveal a person's spirit and shower them in adoration and appreciation. I know that because I have experienced it. Submission helped me to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It made me feel free to not pretend, even in the act of making love, to be something I wasn't. It made me realize who I really am, and it helped me love my Mistress. It is a path to true intimacy. It is a way to love.
BDSM is a way for two people to experience each other in a way that their souls become one.
Together again... not soon enough
This coming Friday, Mistress and I will again be together. (to clarify, we had not split up! This weekend we will get some skin time, and yay!)
Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.
The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.
In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward. Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.
But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.
Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.
The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.
In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward. Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.
But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
We are not lost...
Hello folks,
Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again. I am not a great blogger, apparently. I will work on that...
We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you. We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly. Thanks for your patience!
Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again. I am not a great blogger, apparently. I will work on that...
We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you. We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly. Thanks for your patience!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Just a leather circle...
Golden ring, with one tiny little stone
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring
The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.
My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...
It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol
I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.
I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?
We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.
It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."
So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.
Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.
Like the one I wear.
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring
The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.
My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...
It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol
I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.
I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?
We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.
It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."
So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.
Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.
Like the one I wear.
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