Pardon our absence

Life...and a big honking snowstorm that has very rudely knocked out Mistress' power...has interrupted our blogging. But we will be back. As soon as Mistress' bends the elements (and power company) to Her will...stay tuned!

Submitting to a Sensual

Yesterday I watched a Nova documentary on Genie, the feral child discovered in California in the 1970s (first portion is here and the rest is here). Part of it includes a discussion of Victor, the feral child discovered in France over a hundred years ago. Two cases, separated by more than a century, that are simply breathtaking in their implications for what happens when a human is denied connections to other humans. If a human, without contact with other humans, is effectively a simple biological animal...then what makes us human, to a large extent, is other humans.

This is true of what Mistress Delila and I share. I am the submissive I am because She is the Dominant that She is. Being with Her has always been, for me, like slipping into a tailor-made suit. But instead of putting something on, I take something off - all of the roles and expectations the rest of the world puts onto me get sloughed off at the door. Then I remove my clothes and sink to my knees and She buckles Her collar on my throat and...

John Denver, is his hit "Rocky Mountain High," talks about his first trip to the mountains, saying, "he was born in the summer of he twenty-second year/coming home to a place he'd never been before." That is what it is always like when I kneel before Her - like coming home.

I believe that I have always craved a D/s relationship, even before I knew what one was. As a result of needing this dynamic, and never having it, my submissiveness was not fully developed and could not truly be expressed. Until She exerted control over me, it was merely potential. I wanted and needed someone to Dominate me, but I didn't really know to surrender fully.

Over time, I have conformed myself to Her demands. It is, at the same time, very much like what I have always dreamed of, but very different, too. What is exactly what I've dreamed of is the luxurious beauty of willfully turning complete control over to someone else. There is a feeling of total peace and rightness in my service to Her.

What is different is how Her Dominance is expressed. There are some things that anyone would put into BDSM categories - some bondage, some giving and receiving of pain, the giving and acceptance of my body as Hers to do with as She pleases. But even these "traditional" BDSM activities are done in a way that is not seen as traditional FemDom. When She binds me, She makes sure I am (somewhat) comfortable. When She hurts me, it is in ways She knows I enjoy, or at least tolerate well. When She uses me, She also values me as a person She loves and makes sure my needs are met...but on Her timetable.

And it isn't about whips and chains or corsets and stilletos, either. For example, one time She took out a set of markers and used me as a canvas. Often, She will take me with Her when She shops for shoes, and I will walk up and down the aisles, holding Her choices. Then We find a place for Her to sit, and I kneel and help Her try them on. She has me cook for Her (while I am naked, of course). I open doors for Her and defer to Her decisions on things, small and large. Why? Because these are ways I can serve Her beyond the fraction of our lives spent secluded in a bedroom. I enjoy doing these things for Her because I enjoy Her Dominance over me, and these things are how I get to show that to the world, even if the world doesn't understand what they are seeing.

As a direct result of experiencing Her Sensual Dominance, I have developed a distaste for describing D/s activities as "hard" or "soft," as if one is more worthy of a BDSM title or status than the other. What these words often mean are "violent" and "non-violent." So just use those words! "Hard" means difficult or solid - and I can promise that some of the things She has me do are quite difficult (more difficult than taking a beating) and Her sway over me is quite complete and solid. It is as real as it can be...and if She thinks violence is needed or desired, She is capable of it. (Note: "Violence" does not hold any connotation of wrongness. It just means "using force," generally with the intention of inflicting pain. The right kind of violence is pure heaven.)

I also know that I have changed Mistress Delila. When I first spoke to Her, She did not want me to call Her "Goddess." Now She notices if I do not. She makes me and I make Her. We begin as a Dominant Woman and a submissive man, but end up as a D/s couple. It's pretty magical, really.

Is it sensual? Well I can honestly say that my skin hurts because Her hands are not touching it. The sound of Her voice is like a salve when I am distraught. My tongue thirsts for the taste of Her. My eyes seek Her so they can be filled with Her image. Her scent is intoxicating. Yes, it is sensual because it fills my senses.

Surrendering to Her means submerging my physical body in Her desires and releasing my emotional and psychological needs to Her care. It means engaging my full sensory faculties and then turning them over to Her, knowing that She will use them as tools to build deeper intimacy and bind us ever closer in the bonds of love.

She is my Goddess, and She owns me entirely. And I am so very happy that is true.

What IS Sensual Domination

This is a big question in MY world. People know about "Domination" from bad movies, bad porn and bad cartoon characters (catwoman comes to mind.) But what is this "branch" of the BDSM tree that is lacking in brutality?

Some of the "old guard" or "leather guard" would say it is bullshit and fluff. LMAO I stopped caring what those folks said...well...the first time one of them opened their mouth to Me. I do still identify as being a Dominant. I just don't feel the need to beat the crap out of people that I care about.

First, lets talk about what it IS. It is Control: complete and utter. I tell him what to wear, when to get up, when to exercise, how to take care of himself, what to eat, what not to eat, and I control every aspect of our sexual relationship (when, if, how, how long, where and most importantly, when and if he get to release.)

The day I collared him, I took Ownership of him. I would hope that by now you all realize that My tomio is EXTREMELY intelligent and very well-educated. I would have him no other way, and he is not submissive to the world. He is submissive to ME. If you cross him in public, do not expect him to back down. I love that about him. However, I own him. He loves that he is owned and he finds great comfort in My Love and My Ownership.

Do I spank him? Yes, if he needs it, and sometimes just cuz I want to. I flog him with a gorgeous red suede flogger, that makes a lot of noise, but does not have much bite. I bite him, because he makes the most delicious noises when I do... (shudders with pleasure)- We play with hot wax, ice and a riding crop. By saying We...I mean I use these things on him.

Do I tie him up? Yes. I tie his wrists with black silky fabric. If he wanted to get loose, he could, because it stretches. We have recently started with the bondage tape...because I was at the adult toy store, it was purple, and I had a coupon! LMAO totally true, I swear. Tying him is fun, adds an extra level of control and We both enjoy it. I tried the handcuffs on him, but they HURT, so I took them off. THAT is the difference. I do not hurt him other than in small very controlled ways.

If this is sounding a lot like the BDSM that you know... hold on to your hat. LOL

Do I dress in leather? UM...NO. Leather is not comfortable to Me. I wear a tank top and yoga pants, or just panties. I do own a GORGEOUS pair of black leather boots. They are sexy as hell...and hurt like it too! LOL Seriously, they hurt if I wear them for more than an hour or so. I hate to be uncomfortable.

Is everything black and leathery? HAHAHA nope! I am far too sensual for that! ALL of My toys are PRETTY... flogger, crop, strap on, bondage tape, vibes everything is PRETTY! Some are sparkly, some are soft, some are purple or pink...everything is PRETTY. Its just Me. I like pretty.

Do I degrade him? Nope, never. I love and value him too much to make him feel like anything less than My treasure. He is worthy, wise and wonderful.

Do I make him bleed? NOOO! Ok there was one time, but I had removed a skin tag that was driving Me nuts on his beautiful face, and I removed it GENTLY and with love. It's not that same! lol

When I spank or bind him, am I brutal? NEVER! I do not spank him for extended periods of time, do not bind him into painful positions and leave him there, and I do not tend to mark his lovely flesh. Ok sometimes the bites leave marks...but again that is because of the LOVELY noises he makes-- clearly not My fault! ROFLMAO

Do I slap him across the face? Never.
Trample him? Nope
Kick or punch? nu-uh
pull his hair? Um... he shaves his head so that is a trick question...hehe

And most importantly...I LOVE, ADORE and TREASURE HIM. I stroke his skin, kiss him gently, rub his bald head. We laugh, A LOT, he makes up silly song. We kiss, cuddle, snuggle, he paints My toenails. It is a LOVING relationship. Oh and We go SHOE SHOPPING (the crowd goes wild) hehehe

It is not the type of relationship everyone in the kink community wants. I had a long distance pet, who decided after he was here and we had a real session together, that I was not HARD enough for him. (also note, he did not get the loving, kissing, snuggling part...We did not have that sort of relationship.) But this was a man who craved brutality...his former Mistress stapled his scrotum to a board. (WINCES) Yeah that is NEVER gonna happen with ME.

Its not for everyone... but We are finding that We are not alone. And We love that!

Submissive fantasies are...problematic

For years, I had no reality upon which I could base my fantasies, or against which I could judge them. I think my fantasies were largely based on what I viewed through FemDom porn and/or erotic literature. In these, Domination is almost always coupled with sadism and, to a lesser extent, humiliation. So it went with my fantasies.

My reality with Mistress Delila is much different. There is some pain involved, but it is not necessary to push the boundaries of pain simply for me to feel "truly submissive." I can honestly say, as well, that I have never felt humiliated by Her...although We have discussed and agreed that certain things contain some amount of degradation, the two are not synonyms.* In other words, my time with Mistress Delila has changed the way I view submission and Dominance, and so it has changed the way I view myself, the way I view Her, and the way I view representations of Feminine-led D/s.

My initial reaction was to blame the mismatch on the source of my information. In other words, I figured that FemDom porn was sort of poisoning my mind. But as I considered it, I realized that it was not exactly that clear cut of a relationship.

The fact is that I enjoyed FemDom porn because it matched some of the preconceptions I brought to it. The women were beautiful and dressed to accentuate their beauty. The ropes, the physical pain, the pegging, even (to a lesser extent) some of the verbal abuse resonated with my inner desires. What FemDom porn did was simply to put together images and archetypes that had been bouncing around in my head already. The problem was that it became a self-reinforcing cycle - any fantasies that could not be visualized began to fall by the wayside. Or, eventually, I began to move away from FemDom porn to female masturbation videos.

This is an important step. For me, submission is practically meaningless if the woman to whom I submit does not enjoy it. It can't just be acceptance. She has to want it, to demand it, to be enthralled by Her power over me. Anything less is just being an actor on a stage.

So I was better able to engage in my mental world better if I simply saw a woman enjoying her body than I was with the more explicit FemDom images. I could enjoy her pleasure, which is a much bigger trigger for me than is the pain or degradation. But when I would think of submission, and when I would write about it, I would almost default back to the intense and explicit language of FemDom rather than the erotic servitude of Feminine-led submission. Why?

I think I made a connection while involved in discussing the concept of "rape fantasy"as it was being discussed on a chat board.. I have to put that in quotes because I don't think it is possible to want to be raped...because rape is being forced against one's will to have sex (rough definition, I know). Beyond that, a person controls their fantasy completely. So it is, at best, a mental exercise to fantasize about having no control over something one always has complete control over. In fact, it is probably impossible.

What happens, I think, is something like a defense mechanism kicking in - call it a "fantasy mechanism." Because it is impossible to actually lose control in one's fantasy, the fantasy gets stretched to include things that one would not generally want. What I wanted was to turn over total control of my life to a partner who would enjoy that power (and not actually be abusive about it). But it is very difficult (impossible) to fantasize about what someone else would enjoy, particularly when it is not actually known who that "someone else" is.

As I have turned my life over to Mistress Delila, I have found myself engaging less and less in fantasy. When I try to do so, I am often confounded by trying to approximate the surrender I experience with Her. Knowing what it really means to submit to Her - giving up control of what will happen next and how it will happen - means that it is just not possible to maintain the illusion of powerlessness in a fantasy that I am turning the pages on. So it is just unsatisfactory.

So, too, have I found that FemDom images and videos simply do not hold the interest for me that they once did. It is just an unsatisfactory parody of what We enjoy. And despite the obligatory female orgasm in such media, it doesn't really appear to me that the women enjoy themselves all that much...and they don't seem to like the men involved, either.

This is a long way around of asking this question: Is part of the reason for the state of FemDom portrayals this inability to conceptualize a malesub fantasy? If so, does this just not speak of intellectual laziness? Even more to the point, does it not speak to devaluation of Dominant Women? After all, if we wanted to know what kind of porn might turn on a Dominant Woman, all we have to do is ask, right?

I think that is a discussion worth having. Not because of the wank fodder that will result (and let's be honest, the point of sexualized fantasies is to ENJOY them). But because letting submissive men peek inside the Dominant Woman's mind will give him an alternative to what he's being fed by his own inability to conceive of what She wants and by the porn industry that sees that as the One True Path. Because when Dominant Women are comfortable (and brave) enough to open up about what excites them, then we will begin humanizing them and seeing them as the loving and worthy people they really are.

*"Degrading," as I am using it, simply means to [somewhat] forcibly lower another person's standing relative to one's own; "humiliation" is to forcibly lower another person's value relative to one's own - related concepts, but vastly different. So degradation says, "I have status above you and you are beneath me (therefore I can direct you how I want)," while humiliation says, "You are worthless to me (and your needs are immaterial)."

Abuse and Domination

As My beloved tomio said, the topic of past abuse does come up in chats about "the Lifestyle."

Just to be perfectly clear.  I was never abused. Never.  I got a few spankings as a child, but that is it.  I grew up in a happy, healthy home.  I am a child of divorce, but it was a healthy, sane divorce without all the fighting and drama.

So how does a woman from a happy, mostly normal (what IS normal, really?) family grow up to be a Domme? Well... I am not sure I can tell you that!  LOL I was raised by a VERY strong willed mother. She is the kind of woman who has lost friends over differing opinions, but never falters. She is also a survivor of abuse.  I grew up very aware of her past, and her issues and I truly believe that is why she is so loving.  I never spent a day feeling unloved, love was a constant.

Growing up with that knowledge,  I found Myself becoming a very protective person.  May the heavens help you if you go after someone that I love... fury is not even close.  And as a protector, I learned to become a control freak, of sorts, and moved out early, because living under rules I did not create was very difficult to Me.  Again, lets be clear:  I was not a bad kid, at all.  I never did drugs, never drank, never stayed out late, did not have a string of boyfriends.  My "problems"  as it were... were being mouthy, and being stubborn.

If I look back at My unhappy relationships, I find that I was technically submissive in them.  Never entirely, and certainly never sexually, but I deferred judgement to the various "hims", in hopes of being taken care of.  Yeah that worked out..umm not at all.  LOL

I did not embrace My dominant side until I was almost 40. It seems that I was just willing to be considered a bitch.  LMAO!  Any strong-willed woman in our society is a bitch, apparently.  Unlike My beloved tomio, I am not going to launch into a detailed analysis of women throughout the ages.  Its not My style.  All I am going to tell you is that I am much happier NOW, having embraced My female power, than I have ever been.

However, I AM aware of the abuse in tomio's past, and because of that, I remind him frequently that he is loved and cherished.  We do not practice humiliation play, and I never play head games with him.  Instead he has surrendered control to Me. I am constantly aware of his needs, though My needs are always a priority.  He has learned that his needs never go unmet.

That said, he still went through a phase of having brutal dreams of Me, and brutal fantasies about what he thought he wanted...  it was not what he wanted, not at all.  But that leads us to the next topic.... fantasies.

Submission is not pathological

Mistress and I were talking the other day and She mentioned that a friend of Hers, who knows about our Lovestyle, is always trying to discover some secret sign of abuse in Her background. Just to be clear, there is none. So the probing, gentle or not, gets tiring because it says, "There is something wrong with You."

I've also heard several people speak about the high incidence of self-identified survivors of abuse in the BDSM-sphere. The connection that is generally made is, "You were abused and that is what made you what you are." Again, the belief behind it is that anyone and everyone who enjoys this as a playtime, pastime, lifestyle, or lovestyle has something wrong with them.

It's total crap. Period.

It is leftover psychobabble from a time when sadism and masochism were identified as mental disorders...right alongside with homosexuality. Now, some people still think that gay people are crazy. But, by and large, our society has evolved beyond that infantile thinking. As gays have come out of the closet and taken their rightful place in society, it has become more and more difficult to see them as being inherently "wrong."

But whereas gay activists have made these enormous strides (and even though enormous ground remains to be taken), BDSM really hasn't had a public face. The HIV/AIDS epidemic forced gay men, in particular, to demand political and social power. The continued segregation of marital rights for most of the country keeps them marching (something I support). But the BDSM-sphere never had a deadly disease that seemed to target its members and, as far as I'm aware, no one has ever been denied marital rights because they are kinky.

Think quick: Name a movie that specifically revolves around a BDSM relationship. Most people, if they think of anything, come up with either "Secretary" or "9 1/2 Weeks." Neither is an example of a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship.

Now name a character on TV that shows sexual dominance or submission in a healthy manner. The programs most likely to deal with these issues are police dramas - Law and Order or CSI or something. But they are ALWAYS investigating a crime when BDSM comes up. CSI flirted with the idea of having a recurring Femdom character, but it was never developed and it was based on a lot of stereotypes (in part, because She was a pro-domme).

When the American Psychiatric Association has long since evolved to consider sadism, as an example, as a problem only if one of two conditions exist: 1) if the patient has "acted on these urges [to hurt someone for their own pleasure] with a non-consenting person;" or 2) if "the urges, or behaviors caused marked distress or interpersonal difficulty." So "safe, sane, and consensual" sadism is only a problem if the person doesn't want to be a sadist.

But most Americans don't even know about the APA's definitions. Most Americans operate from a "gut level" instinct...which generally means they subconsciously rely on stereotypes and judgments they learned prior to become an adult. That means, basically, that most adults are walking around with a 1980 or earlier mentality when it comes to BDSM.

This accounts for the public perception that "something is wrong" with BDSM-ers. But what accounts for the seemingly high level of abuse?

Well, for one thing, more kids are abused than any of us likes to think about. It is not a rare thing at all. However, most people don't actually think that what happened to them was abuse. We all tend to think that we grew up "normal" until we discover differently. There is also the power of denial and repression to deal with. If a person doesn't want to think of what happened to them; then they won't.

BDSM forces one to face their most intimate desires and fears. By its very nature, BDSM forces a person to be more in touch with their sexuality than the general public is. This means we, as a group, are more likely to both know if we were abused and to admit it openly if we were abused.

Everything we experience makes us into the persons that we are. So, undoubtedly, anyone who was abused carries that experience into their BDSM relationship - and that means there is extra baggage to deal with. I've had very open and frank discussions with Mistress Delila about the abuse I suffered as a child because I'm not always able to tell when something isn't going right for me. I have to depend on Her to read me...so She needs to know. And I need Her to know (probably in more detail than She likes).

So what I'm saying is this: BDSM-ers are not more likely to have been abused. We're just more likely to talk about it. But when that is added to the widely held belief that BDSM is a pathological response to abuse as a child...it becomes almost legendary. So the urban legend that everyone in BDSM is a survivor of abuse is a strongly held one, at least in some quarters.

Here's the thing: I was abused as a child. I understand what it means to be a powerless victim. I also now have the experience of being a submissive to a wonderfully Dominant Woman. I understand what it means to be a powerless lover. The two are not the same, or even similar. Even a casual observer should be able to understand the difference.

Childhood abuse is a horrible thing that some people never get beyond. Just like rape is a horrible thing that some people never get beyond. But some people are able to heal from the trauma of rape and have a healthy and loving sexual relationship with their partner.Their sexual desires are not a result of being raped. They are simply healthy and affirming and wonderful. The same thing is true of childhood abuse and sexual submission and/or dominance. Even in a person who was abused as a child, once they heal, their submission or dominance can be healthy and affirming and wonderful.


I'm sure there are people for whom Femdom/malesub is a pathological response to something in their past. I'm sure there are people for whom Femdom/malesub causes immense psychological pain because they want what is "wrong." But it is not any different from other relationship types in the truth of that statement. ANYTHING behavior can be pathological.

For me, malesub represents the apex of my ability to show love to a woman. I am fully engaged in seeing Her as a woman, a person worthy of receiving the totality of my affection and desire. I surrender to Her fully, because to hold anything at all back would be to love Her less. It is not just sexual...it is a transcendent state that connects me to Her intimately in a way nothing else ever can or will.

It also puts me in a state where I can RECEIVE love and affirmation as a man, a person worthy of receiving the totality of Her affection and desire. She takes me fully because I am Hers to claim and because Her love allows for nothing less. I have to judge, from the light in Her eyes and the glow on Her face that is also a transcendent state for Her.

That is not pathological. It is beautiful. In a time where there is no end to the voices decrying the loss of human connection with each other; it is the type of soulful connection that desperately needs to be held up as an example to which we all should aspire.

Touch- From My side...

Ah yes, the first meeting...  such sweet memories.

I agreed to meet him publicly, but not go up to his room.  Dinner, that was all.  The warm laugh and gentle voice that I had already grown fond of, were both seated behind the saddest set of milk chocolate-brown eyes. His forehead was knitted and the warm smile did not hide... something.  I did not quite know what it was, but I knew it was not something malevolent. I have learned to trust My inner voice, the part of Me that judges good and bad.  I can feel wickedness from quite a distance and have come to believe "that gut feeling."  My gut did not sense anything bad in him.

We sat in My car, talking and without warning, he grabbed My arm and shoved My hand under his shirt to his stomach. Normally I would have pulled away and torn the grabber to shreds. But there it was... the answer to what was behind those eyes: hunger and need. Now, as a Dominant, hunger and need can be good, or bad.  Often times the needs of the sub (in My case, pet) can be so consuming that they don't even see Me.  Any port... storm or not.  I had dealt with that in My early Domme days, and did not plan to go there again.

This was not the case with My tomio.  His need was primal, but in a wonderful way.  He truly melted under My touch, and I could feel him soaking Me in, but in the most delicious way: like good Italian bread soaks up olive oil and balsamic vinegar...it was the combination of My touch and his need that was something amazing.  I have never felt such an intense need before, but instead of being put off, or offended by it, I was comforted. He did not just need  someone, anyone...  he needed ME. It truly felt like there was something chemical in the reaction to My touch to his skin.  His forehead smoothed, his head bowed and he relaxed into My touch in a way that took My breath away.  I knew, as he did, that it was just right.  I leaned My head over and he gently leaned into it.  We sat silently.  We did not need words.  The connection knitted into place without effort, and My heart slowed as his did.

I knew that he truly was going to be able to submit entirely and that was what I had hungered for, for a long time.  He was not a new submissive, he had just not "played" in person.  At that instant, with My hand on his soft skin, I knew that if I was patient, gentle and loving that he would be the pet of My dreams.

I was right... he is.