50 shades of "you have got to be kidding!"

OK so I gave in to the hype of 50 shades.  I started reading it, hopeful that the fervor over it would help bring BDSM out of the shadows, stop the freak label that we carry and help mainstream the kink.   I mean with everyone going nuts for the books, it could happen... right?   I will admit that it was a lofty expectation. BUT ARE  YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? (calms self)

Firstly, these books appear to be written by someone who googled kink. There are a few buzz words and a a lot of BDSM for dummies sort of explanations. "The purpose of the butt plug is to...blah blah blah." But this is not written by someone who understands KINK...or life, or interactions, or how to write...

Ok, not only is the plot weak (he is a self made gazillionaire at 27 yrs old, and she is a pain in the ass)-- but the kink is so stereo-typical that it just feeds all the crap and fear about BDSM...

SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, I AM GOING TO GIVE AWAY PIECES OF THE PLOT, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT...

Problem 1)  His interest in BDSM and Sadism is based on his physical and sexual abuse as a child/ young man.  This is bullshit.  It is a long standing myth that only damaged freaks engage in BDSM.  That is simply not the truth. Interest in bondage and kinky sex is not due to abuse or mental illness.  I have never been abused in My life, and I am a normal person.  On the street, you would notice Me as a well-dressed, put-together woman with a warm smile.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing about Me that says "freak train"... honestly!  LOL

Problem 2) He wants her to sign a contract about the BDSM activities. These things include never sleeping in his bed, not looking him in the eyes, not touching him without consent and so on.  This contract is firstly, not legally binding, and is basically giving him permission to treat her like an object and giving her nothing. While I will admit there are SOME in the BDSM world that want that on both sides (sighs) that is NOT the reality of most relationships of the D/s nature.  If you are reading this, then you know that I am a Sensual Dominant. I do not play with "objects."  If I wanted THAT, I would buy more damned batteries!  She does not sign the contract because she wants more...which is one of only two or three good things about the book! We'll talk about "more" in a minute.

Problem 3) The writer sees and therefore portrays many of his kinky habits as punishment.  I guess this makes sense for a character who is perpetually pissed off.  For someone with a gazillion dollars, he spends an awful lot of time being pissed off....  but he uses the spanking, binding, orgasm denial, teasing and toys as punishment for he many trivial and irritating mistakes.  Someplace in the books (they all blur into one big annoyance for me) she falls asleep on the beach and when she accidentally rolls over, her top falls off and he flips out about her showing her boobs to the public.  He punishes her with kinky sex with handcuffs and while she is writhing around, not only does she bruise the shit out of her ankles and wrists, but he puts bite makes and hickeys all over her chest so that she is forced to wear long sleeve and long skirts for the rest of the vacation!  Are you kidding Me??  At another point he has to stop himself from "beating the shit out of her."  Um ok.. that is not BDSM, that is ABUSE.  Plain and simple, causing intentional damage to the body, and beating the shit out of someone is abusive.  If he had not been trying to injure her, then he could easily have used padded cuffs or shackles for the same kinky effect without the injuries.  As I have said, sweetness and I tried the handcuffs, but they hurt his big thick (drool-ably manly) wrists and shoulder.  So we stopped, and switched back to fabric!  Easy enough!   And spanking, for someone who likes it, is FUN.  Its not done as punishment, but instead as part of the play.  He ENJOYS the riding crop against his skin.  He is not a pain whore, it just works for him!  He can talk more about that himself...

Problem 4) The kinky sex scenes are lame.   Firstly, they have sex like 10 times a day.  Both would be dehydrated at the very least...  but then again the sex seems only to last a few minutes.  There are a few scenes that are so vague that I could not even tell what was going into where and how...  Each scene includes him saying "I want you now",  doing a wetness test on her and declaring her good and ready (rolls eyes), mention of some sort of sex toy:  This is a (name some toy) and it is used for (some lame internet description of the activity.)  Yawn.  Shortly after that, she "explodes into a million pieces under him" then he yells OH ANA as he finds his release.  (blinks)  um that's it??  Really??  Shit, if I wanted 3 min sex, I could have stayed with My ex!   LOL!  One of the few things I do like about the books is his use of the term "Kinky Fuckery!"  I love love love that term and now I use it often. As someone who truly enjoys kinky fuckery, (acts involved in and relating to the kink) I can tell you that 3 mins is simply not the way it works!   While I am not willing to use this page as wank fonder  (looks up as several readers run out of the blog space. Bye now! LOL) I can honestly tell you that the kinky fuckery starts as Item A, rolls into Activity B, tap dances into C, D, E and F and somewhere around G or H one or both of us collapse into a sweaty, exhausted heap, out of breath and grinning like the Cheshire Cat....  MMM god I love Our kinky fuckery!  LMAO 


Problem 5) Mr 50 shades started as a submissive, then became a dominant and his Mistress became his submissive, and during a time of great stress, Mr powerful collapses back into a submissive.  Again, another Myth.  Not everyone in the kink world is a Switch (someone who is both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner and the play)--  It IS true the some try both sides. It is My personal opinion that folks who "play" might switch for fun.  By this I am referring to those who are "tops" or "bottoms" in casual play but those who live it tend to be either submissive OR Dominant.  I am not, nor will I ever imply that there is only ONE WAY.. that is crap, there are a lot of ways, but not everyone is a switch!  I tried to be a switch back in the beginning and I absolutely fucking hated it!  HATED IT. Did I mention that I hated it? It actually made me be violent.   I am simply not made to be submissive.  The very best I can manage is  vague indifference. Sigh.  Its just the way I am wired, and I am not alone.  


Problem 6)  He decides he wants to have "more" too.  In a matter of months her love cures him of his sadistic nature, his crazy former submissive is cured of her psychotic break and is normal again, and he becomes a happy healthy normal sort of guy who is less of a control freak and life is all just wonderful. 
I admit that love is pretty awesome and amazing, it heals the heart and soul to some extent. However, mental illness, early childhood abuse, and controlling nature does not just go away with love, with therapy, with drugs...  those things just don't go away.  For people with real issues, suggesting that love will fix it all is cruel and unfair.  Love is wonderful, but it does not fix everything. And Kinkiness is not something to be cured of! In the end of the books, they settled on something sort of like what I have with My sweetness.  A loving form of Kinkey Fuckery, and a loving relationship.  That part is good.  


Problem 7)  This one might actually be closer to the top of My list...  Two scenes in the book regarding safe words make me crazy.  In one scene, the FIRST heavy kink scene, he is spanking her and she is freaking out and he keeps going.  She is too freaked out to remember to use the safe word and he is too self absorbed to see it until its too late.  Another scene he loses control and she does use the safe word and he freaks out because he went too far and pushed her beyond her limit. I have said before that I don't like safe words. Let me explain why.  I have never had a casual play relationship.  I  have known my partners and because I am a responsible Dominant, I communicate and I check in,  I watch his face, I listen to his noises and I actually ask him, are you ok? Doing alright? need a break? need some water?  We will never reach a point of needing a safe word because I am tuned in to him and I keep myself in control.  Losing control when you are the controlling party is dangerous.  If you feel guilty because your submissive used a safe word, then you know you were not paying attention.  Control means control of self as well, not leaving it up to the submissive to tell you when you have gone too far. Human beings react to extremes in different ways.  Some shut down, and someone who shuts down will  not be able to use a safe word and may not be able to even say stop!  The dominant has to remain in control for the safety of everyone involved.  The only time My sweetness has ever said stop was due to muscle cramps that had nothing to do with My actions.  Leg cramps, hip cramps and gas pains have stopped us, but it has never been stopped because I had gone too far.  In fact, on several occasion he was sick and I knew he was not OK before he did.  I am tuned in to him and his needs and his boundaries so we don't have safe words.


Enough numbers!  There are a lot of things wrong with these books, mostly stereotypes, lack of truthful information, lack of understanding about the interactions and reactions in BDSM, and a general sense of unreality.    Sigh, I had such high hopes for the books and they crashed and burned for me. The very best I can hope for is for some people to get a slight tingle from the kink and a very slight loosening of "moral standards."  Its a bonus that the church will flip over these books! (EVIL GRIN) Its true, she is making a ton of money off of them.  I honestly can't understand why.


I am not sure the world is ready for a truthful book about Kinky Fuckery... or are they?

What is dominance to a submissive?

When Mistress Delila asked me to write this, I joked that it would be easy. "Dominance is Mistress Delila."

That's certainly true for me, but it doesn't help anyone who isn't involved with Her.  And, as it turns out, it isn't so easy to define "dominance." It's kind of like describing the taste of celery. You know it when it is in your mouth, but until someone has sampled it, it's kind of hard to talk to them about it.

In psychological terms, dominance is simply the tendency to assert control over others. In our individuality-driven culture, dominance is sometimes seen negatively - as is submission. In reality, they are simply human nature. When they are mixed in proper measures between two willing partners, they create a strong and intimate bond.

Of course, any personality trait can be distorted to the point of neurosis, if not psychosis. Television shows like CSI and Law and Order make their bread and butter out of stretching personality traits into psychoses. So the most common example of dominance that is displayed on television - especially if one looks at sexual dominance - is that of the predator, the bully, the rapist, the homicidal sociopathic sadist.

Americans, in particular, seem to have difficulty in determining levels of subtlety.  At least, they do when it isn't their own life under the microscope. So those of us who are not involved with power-specific relationships are all-too content to lump anyone who seems "different" into the same bin as the dangerous and loony. In a way, it's natural. But that doesn't mean it's right.

After all, dominance is also a trait of people we refer to as "natural leaders." Should we force them to be mediocre just because...well, it sounds better? Should we sentence our next generation of leaders to the loony bin just because they are actually good at it? God, I hope not.

So at a basic level, "dominance" is a personality trait. But when a relationship is to be based on dominance, it becomes more than that. It becomes the cornerstone of the relationship. It is the touchstone to which all aspects of the relationship must return in times of conflict and joy.

Dominance in this respect is not simply making demands and expecting them to be obeyed - although there is certainly that aspect. It is accepting leadership of the relationship in order to create an atmosphere of trust in which the partner can remain submerged in submission, without fear of being abused or damaged. It is accepting the responsibility of guiding the relationship so that it can be successful.

Dominance is a way of relating. It is a way of loving. It is an obligation and a duty to the relationship in which is expressed. Sometimes it is sadistic. Sometimes it is fawning. Sometimes it is as simple as sending me across the parking lot to get something out of the car. Sometimes it is as complex as telling me to plan a menu for our vacation, including a shopping list and a budget.

For me, it is also a reward and a necessary ingredient for me, a submissive man, to fully express my love and affection. Dominance is Mistress Delila.

Hello and WELCOME

Hello there!  I am Mistress Delila.  Yes I am a Domme. No I do not tie random men up and beat them, just for the fun of it.    I am a SENSUAL Domme, and I am in a committed and loving relationship with My tomio.  We are both intelligent and educated and We decided that We want to help show the softer side of Domination.  We hope to open some doors for some, shine some light for others, and hope to have some interesting discussions along the way.

My tomio will be joining Me here soon, and together We will explore DOMINATION...Our style.

Some basic stuff...LOL: Firstly, Yes I am one of those Dommes who capitalizes the M in Me, Mine and Myself, the W in We when talking about Myself and another and other such thing.  I do this because I like it. No more, no less.  It's not going to change, so you will have to get used to it. Secondly, We are not saying, nor will We ever say that this is a lifestyle for everyone, nor is it the "true" way to do anything.  It is simply OUR lovestyle, and it works for Us.

I use the term Pet, rather than sub or slave.  My tomio serves Me because he loves Me, not because he fears Me.  We will get into more details and deep thoughts later.  For now...WELCOME... sit back and enjoy.  I insist!  LOL