As Mistress wrote in Her post, our time together for our last visit was wonderful. As seems typical, it was not what either of us seemed to anticipate, but when the weekend was done, it was exactly what both of us needed. It was kind of amusing to me to hear Her wistfully apologize for a lack of kink. Once I reminded Her of some of the things we did together, She realized there was no need to apologize - even if She had been correct in Her assessment.
So, what happened? Well, for one thing: There just isn't enough time to fit in everything that we want to do (so we focus on what we need). This means there is always some activity that has been left out of our lineup, and it can be easy to miss it. If you go to a buffett expecting fried chicken and they have everything but fried chicken; then you will likely go away filled, but you will still miss the fried chicken that you initially wanted. It doesn't mean the buffett was inferior in any way. It just means that you are human and our desires truly are infinite.
For another thing, neither of us feels particularly kinky when we are enjoying each other. The menu of activities assuredly fall in the realm of BDSM/kink. But we are simply being authentic with each other. We are just us.
Every person has to manage several roles they present to the world. You are the same person at work and at home, but in one place you are an employee and in the other you might be a parent. Those roles demand different behaviors. Our responsibilities require that we put off things we want and that we prioritize our needs. Mistress and I didn't have to do that when we were together because we walled off the world and just concentrated on each other. When we did that, time seemed to crawl by, allowing us to milk the most out of each moment. Oddly, when we were done, the time seemed to have passed all too quickly.
Athletes call this "being in the zone." The only other way I've experienced it is when I'm writing, playing music, or when I'm repairing a mechanical device. It's a nearly addictive state of being. It feeds your soul and consumes it completely. It's why I immediately know that I enjoyed our time together, but it takes a few moments for my memories to access the details. In effect, it doesn't matter what we did, it just matters that we did it together (this, incidentally, is why I think it is so hard to be apart, too).
It is also what allows us to not worry about straying into non-BDSM/kinky territory. We can play Scrabble or watch TV. We can go shopping, or we can read poetry to each other. It isn't because we have had enough of the kink and we need a break (um...I don't think that's possible). It's that being wrapped into each other allows me to enjoy the authentic entire person that Mistress Delila really is. She has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything but the kinky/BDSM stuff...but she also has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything that is kinky/BDSM stuff. She isn't a cardboard cutout Mistress - She's a real person.
And I love all of Her.
For the love
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Life Beyond The Kink
Most of you know that My tomio and I do not live together at this time. It is difficult because our relationship is so much more than The Kink. There are a lot of D/s couples who have only The Kink and that's cool too. Our relationship started as Kink and became so much more. So as it turned out, life circumstances (it has been a difficult time!) had kept us apart for an extended period of time. While we talk multiple times a day, the skin contact is something that we both need, and without that, we both suffer.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I don't call it kink...because it's normal for me
Which way is it: You discover the world around you and learn language to describe it; or you learn language that allows you to define the world around you? In other words, is the world neutral and experienced universally? Or is it our language that allows us to understand our environment?
According to the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, it is our language that allows us to understand the world around us. Language is so embedded in our consciousness that it is virtually impossible to think of anything and not put a name to it. In fact, one of the reasons why people often struggle with abstract artwork is that it cannot be adequately described as a thing...it is a concoction of colors or angles or whatever. We need a name for a thing to be able to adequately place it in our mind and manipulate it.
Obviously, things exist prior to our linguistic education. If you didn't know the word for "tree" there would still be millions of trees. But to you, they would just be "things that come up from the ground and make shade." If you wanted to give directions, you'd tell someone "Go down to that big thing sticking up from the ground that makes a lot of shade and turn left." Perhaps they would understand what you meant, but perhaps they would think you meant a building or a street sign or a swing-set.
Once you understand "tree," however, things are different. You can not only differentiate between what is tree and what is not tree, but what different types of trees have in common and how they vary. You could even become a tree expert, and pontificate about the proper uses of trees. You might even become the Lorax, and speak for the trees, the trees, the Truffula trees.
It wouldn't change the nature of the tree one bit. Being called a tree or a birch or an elm or whatever - even if it is a misnaming - doesn't have any impact at all. From the tree's perspective (if it has one - let's say it does), it is just being what it has always been.
So I can say that I am a submissive man with slightly masochistic tendencies. I believe I always have been, but I didn't have the terminology to describe it properly for quite a long time. Even when I gained the terminology, I misnamed myself. But now I know who and what I am and I'm comfortable with it - but to me, it is simply normal. This is how I am. Only the names have changed.
There are a lot of reasons why I misidentified my sexual identity. For one thing, I grew up in a household where sex, of any kind, just wasn't discussed. It was a dirty, filthy, disgusting act that should be saved for the one I loved more than anyone in the universe (except Jesus, of course, who, presumably, got sad when I got an erection, and burst into sobs of grief when I orgasmed).
Even when I got away from that thinking, I was still caught up in the traditional role processes of what is good and proper for a male. So...come up with three good examples of a submissive man in literature, movies, or popular culture where the man is also strong, kind, and fully capable of handling life (Sorry - the "knights of old" weren't submissive to women...they typically swore allegiance to a man, and women were simply property. I'm also going to say that "being a gentleman" is not enough to qualify as "submissive" because manners does not equal orientation.)
So I stumbled into BDSM through porn...where submissive men are simply not portrayed as anything to which I'd aspire to. Part of the problem, of course, is that porn is basically meant to provide visual and auditory stimulation so a person can have an orgasm. It isn't meant to have a plot (other than to explain why these people discovered each other) and it doesn't delve into the contextual complexities that real-live relationships have to (this is as true of "vanilla" porn as it is of BDSM, too).
The upshot of this is that while I now know the lingo to describe my orientation and desires, that language merely describes me; it does not define me. So people with whom I have relationships with where displaying submissiveness would be inappropriate simply have no clue that I am submissive. Why would they? Before I knew I am "kinky" I didn't tell my friends and family when and how I had sex...why would I do that now? I didn't go to sexy parties before I learned the lingo, so why would I go now?
I write about being a submissive man because I realize there are something like seven billion people on earth, and if only one percent of them are submissive males; then there are at least seventy million submissive men out there. From what I can tell, there are precious few role models for them to draw on. There are too many self-destructive paths. Maybe a few of those seventy million will page through Google far enough to find this and say, "Hey, that's the lingo I've been looking for! I'm not a total freak and an asshole and a threat to those around me!"
Because, you see, it isn't a question of being both "kinky" and "normal" - at least not to me. It's a realization that kinky IS normal...and that doesn't change a thing.
According to the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, it is our language that allows us to understand the world around us. Language is so embedded in our consciousness that it is virtually impossible to think of anything and not put a name to it. In fact, one of the reasons why people often struggle with abstract artwork is that it cannot be adequately described as a thing...it is a concoction of colors or angles or whatever. We need a name for a thing to be able to adequately place it in our mind and manipulate it.
Obviously, things exist prior to our linguistic education. If you didn't know the word for "tree" there would still be millions of trees. But to you, they would just be "things that come up from the ground and make shade." If you wanted to give directions, you'd tell someone "Go down to that big thing sticking up from the ground that makes a lot of shade and turn left." Perhaps they would understand what you meant, but perhaps they would think you meant a building or a street sign or a swing-set.
Once you understand "tree," however, things are different. You can not only differentiate between what is tree and what is not tree, but what different types of trees have in common and how they vary. You could even become a tree expert, and pontificate about the proper uses of trees. You might even become the Lorax, and speak for the trees, the trees, the Truffula trees.
It wouldn't change the nature of the tree one bit. Being called a tree or a birch or an elm or whatever - even if it is a misnaming - doesn't have any impact at all. From the tree's perspective (if it has one - let's say it does), it is just being what it has always been.
So I can say that I am a submissive man with slightly masochistic tendencies. I believe I always have been, but I didn't have the terminology to describe it properly for quite a long time. Even when I gained the terminology, I misnamed myself. But now I know who and what I am and I'm comfortable with it - but to me, it is simply normal. This is how I am. Only the names have changed.
There are a lot of reasons why I misidentified my sexual identity. For one thing, I grew up in a household where sex, of any kind, just wasn't discussed. It was a dirty, filthy, disgusting act that should be saved for the one I loved more than anyone in the universe (except Jesus, of course, who, presumably, got sad when I got an erection, and burst into sobs of grief when I orgasmed).
Even when I got away from that thinking, I was still caught up in the traditional role processes of what is good and proper for a male. So...come up with three good examples of a submissive man in literature, movies, or popular culture where the man is also strong, kind, and fully capable of handling life (Sorry - the "knights of old" weren't submissive to women...they typically swore allegiance to a man, and women were simply property. I'm also going to say that "being a gentleman" is not enough to qualify as "submissive" because manners does not equal orientation.)
So I stumbled into BDSM through porn...where submissive men are simply not portrayed as anything to which I'd aspire to. Part of the problem, of course, is that porn is basically meant to provide visual and auditory stimulation so a person can have an orgasm. It isn't meant to have a plot (other than to explain why these people discovered each other) and it doesn't delve into the contextual complexities that real-live relationships have to (this is as true of "vanilla" porn as it is of BDSM, too).
The upshot of this is that while I now know the lingo to describe my orientation and desires, that language merely describes me; it does not define me. So people with whom I have relationships with where displaying submissiveness would be inappropriate simply have no clue that I am submissive. Why would they? Before I knew I am "kinky" I didn't tell my friends and family when and how I had sex...why would I do that now? I didn't go to sexy parties before I learned the lingo, so why would I go now?
I write about being a submissive man because I realize there are something like seven billion people on earth, and if only one percent of them are submissive males; then there are at least seventy million submissive men out there. From what I can tell, there are precious few role models for them to draw on. There are too many self-destructive paths. Maybe a few of those seventy million will page through Google far enough to find this and say, "Hey, that's the lingo I've been looking for! I'm not a total freak and an asshole and a threat to those around me!"
Because, you see, it isn't a question of being both "kinky" and "normal" - at least not to me. It's a realization that kinky IS normal...and that doesn't change a thing.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Kinky AND normal? You bet!
OK here's the thing... I am a Dominant women, but I live in a vanilla world.
Don't get me wrong, I love the vanilla world and I LOVE that I can blend into it so easily. It makes me feel like Diana Prince. NO Not Princess Di... Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's Secret Identity. (Yes I had to look it up too!) I was going to say Bruce Wayne, but that confuses gender issues and I am NOT going there. I am all woman, big boobs, big hips, big attitude...
Yes you guessed it, I am moderately aggressive, demanding, opinionated, difficult, stubborn and when I get pissed off, it takes a while for Me to come back down. But I am not always a bitch. I am actually very generous, sweet, loving and amusing. I can assure you that if I walked up to any member of My social circles and said, "I am a Sensual Dominant, involved in a long term BDSM relationship." They would check me for a fever then laugh themselves silly.
This is a good thing. Its not that I am in the proverbial closet (OMG the shoe closet would be an awesome place to be!) its just that I have decided that My life outside the BDSM world is good, stable and sane and there is no reason to rock the boat. I like be liked (or disliked) for being Myself, not because of someone's preconceived notion of what Domination is.
Every morning at the gym, I watch TV while I work out. Most of the time I get hooked on crime shows. I have been shocked, again and again, how many people are SUSPECTS because of their BDSM connection. Most are proven to be unconnected to the crime, but sadly, quite a few of them turn out to be psychos.
There is a certain level of suspicion and distrust of people that are outside the realm of normal. Not only do I not want to be seen as an outsider, but I don't think that My sexuality needs to be on display. I don't feel that others could trust Me as a kind, generous and loving person if they knew I like to tie up My lover and ass fuck him with a sparkly purple strap-on until he can't form sentences. LMAO!!
There is this odd and unfair stereotype that would make family members distrust Me with their children and spouses... I mean its not like I can say, "Mom, you should see how sexy My lover is, when he is collared and kneeling in front of Me!" LMAO But I also would not say "Mom you should see how sexy My lover is in his plaid jammies, and the missionary sex is amazing!" The point of all of this is that it is not necessary to have My sexuality on display in any form. It is not relevant to My life outside of My relationship and I like My privacy.
But what about the blog,you say? Well... The point of this blog is to help people realize that they CAN be kinky and wicked and still be normal, regular people! Not only that, but kinky and wicked can be loving, caring, gentle and passionate. The softer side, the Sensual Domination side of The Kink does not get enough air time! No one talks about the cuddling and kissing and loving service, because its just not as crazy and exciting as a bound man being required to paint his Mistress's toenails holding the brush between his teeth to avoid a beating. Yes this is the bullshit I read about, and the morons go nuts for it! By the way, the above mentioned activity is a complete fantasy and is not physically possible, unless you want your whole friggin foot spotted with polish, in which case, you are... a dope. Sometimes people are idiots, and idiots don't even make up good fantasies.
Instead of such nonsense, I do various dark and dirty things to (and with) My sweetness, then I hold and cuddle him. We kiss, snuggle, laugh, take long hot showers. He has recently started "snuffling" Me. He crams his nose into My neck, behind My ear and loudly and dramatically snuffs, sniffs and inhales. Its silly and ridiculous and it makes Me laugh out loud, so I love it! The we do "normal things" that allow us to be seen, out in the world. We shop, eat out, walk hand in hand, go to the car wash.... We just do regular things, but with a little extra love, because We can, and because, as his Dominant... I insist on it. (GRINS)
Go ahead, take a chance, taste the kink...you can relax in knowing that its your own private little world, and no one else needs to know how delicious it is!
Don't get me wrong, I love the vanilla world and I LOVE that I can blend into it so easily. It makes me feel like Diana Prince. NO Not Princess Di... Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's Secret Identity. (Yes I had to look it up too!) I was going to say Bruce Wayne, but that confuses gender issues and I am NOT going there. I am all woman, big boobs, big hips, big attitude...
Yes you guessed it, I am moderately aggressive, demanding, opinionated, difficult, stubborn and when I get pissed off, it takes a while for Me to come back down. But I am not always a bitch. I am actually very generous, sweet, loving and amusing. I can assure you that if I walked up to any member of My social circles and said, "I am a Sensual Dominant, involved in a long term BDSM relationship." They would check me for a fever then laugh themselves silly.
This is a good thing. Its not that I am in the proverbial closet (OMG the shoe closet would be an awesome place to be!) its just that I have decided that My life outside the BDSM world is good, stable and sane and there is no reason to rock the boat. I like be liked (or disliked) for being Myself, not because of someone's preconceived notion of what Domination is.
Every morning at the gym, I watch TV while I work out. Most of the time I get hooked on crime shows. I have been shocked, again and again, how many people are SUSPECTS because of their BDSM connection. Most are proven to be unconnected to the crime, but sadly, quite a few of them turn out to be psychos.
There is a certain level of suspicion and distrust of people that are outside the realm of normal. Not only do I not want to be seen as an outsider, but I don't think that My sexuality needs to be on display. I don't feel that others could trust Me as a kind, generous and loving person if they knew I like to tie up My lover and ass fuck him with a sparkly purple strap-on until he can't form sentences. LMAO!!
There is this odd and unfair stereotype that would make family members distrust Me with their children and spouses... I mean its not like I can say, "Mom, you should see how sexy My lover is, when he is collared and kneeling in front of Me!" LMAO But I also would not say "Mom you should see how sexy My lover is in his plaid jammies, and the missionary sex is amazing!" The point of all of this is that it is not necessary to have My sexuality on display in any form. It is not relevant to My life outside of My relationship and I like My privacy.
But what about the blog,you say? Well... The point of this blog is to help people realize that they CAN be kinky and wicked and still be normal, regular people! Not only that, but kinky and wicked can be loving, caring, gentle and passionate. The softer side, the Sensual Domination side of The Kink does not get enough air time! No one talks about the cuddling and kissing and loving service, because its just not as crazy and exciting as a bound man being required to paint his Mistress's toenails holding the brush between his teeth to avoid a beating. Yes this is the bullshit I read about, and the morons go nuts for it! By the way, the above mentioned activity is a complete fantasy and is not physically possible, unless you want your whole friggin foot spotted with polish, in which case, you are... a dope. Sometimes people are idiots, and idiots don't even make up good fantasies.
Instead of such nonsense, I do various dark and dirty things to (and with) My sweetness, then I hold and cuddle him. We kiss, snuggle, laugh, take long hot showers. He has recently started "snuffling" Me. He crams his nose into My neck, behind My ear and loudly and dramatically snuffs, sniffs and inhales. Its silly and ridiculous and it makes Me laugh out loud, so I love it! The we do "normal things" that allow us to be seen, out in the world. We shop, eat out, walk hand in hand, go to the car wash.... We just do regular things, but with a little extra love, because We can, and because, as his Dominant... I insist on it. (GRINS)
Go ahead, take a chance, taste the kink...you can relax in knowing that its your own private little world, and no one else needs to know how delicious it is!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
50 Shades of "No, Thank You"
I haven't read the books. I made it through maybe five pages and I just couldn't make myself continue. When I first read it, I thought Ana (the virginal main character) was going on a job interview for her sick friend - which is stupid. But as it turns out, it's an interview for the school paper, or some such thing...which is just as stupid. That just isn't the way things work at all - no journalist is going to pass up an interview of a lifetime (which this is supposed to be) and if they HAD to; then they'd pass it back to their editor, who would reassign it. So...no go.
But the truth is, I was LOOKING for a reason to not like the book(s). Partly it is because I absolutely loathe pop culture. My favorite things (music, books, etc) are generally things no one else has heard of. So the worst way to get me to try something is to make a HUGE popular fuss over it. Incidentally, that's also why I absolutely can't stand sports fans...just get over your self already.
So why was I ready to hate the book at first glance?
I can't give a short answer (big surprise, I know). Partly, I think, the answer is jealousy - not of someone having written a book, but that all the fuss was/is being made over a book that features BDSM and it has a - wait for it...wait for it...wait for it - a female submissive. What could possibly be more predictable? Sigh.
Look, I KNOW that a more adventurous set of characters would never have taken off like this did. THAT is the problem. Just the fact that this Dominant Man and submissive woman romance has taken off like this allows the incredibly STUPID idea that M/f is NORMAL and what EVERYONE really wants to not just continue, but rise bubbling up through the subconsciousness of a whole new generation of people. God, it makes me just want to puke.
I'm not saying that M/f is wrong. I know a whole lot of people who are happy with that dynamic. I'm very happy for everyone who finds fulfillment in that arrangement. But all that 50 Shades does for me is cast me as an outsider.
Okay, maybe that isn't such a long explanation after all.
Mistress Delila is right, though - this book potentially could go a long way towards destigmatizing BDSM. Except that, from Mistress's review, it looks like everyone in the story is damaged goods and using BDSM to work through rage and power issues. Not exactly a welcoming idea for those who haven't heard of BDSM before.
Plus, why is it that pain is nothing other than a punishment? In a BDSM book, where an admitted sexual sadist takes center stage, wouldn't it be natural for SOMEONE to actually ENJOY what they are doing? There is so much more to BDSM than just the grim determination to see it through to an orgasm.
I don't identify as a masochist, personally. But after more than a year and a half with Mistress Delila, I have to admit that I have a masochistic streak. There are some kinds of pain that I enjoy at some times. It isn't easy to explain, and I guess that's why an author would resort to such rote stereotypical characterizations. When you can't actually understand what it is you are writing about; then you kind of have to fall back on stereotypes, don't you?
I can't speak for others, but I do not seek any sort of sensation based on my childhood abuse and neglect. Quite the opposite, I sought for many years to feel nothing at all about it. I tried to minimize it and ignore it and pretend it never reared its ugly head. Nor do I need pain to get an erection or have an orgasm (although the combination is intense).
When I submit to Mistress Delila, I am displaying my love for Her. By putting Her needs and desires above my own, I grant Her status above me and authority over me. I have to harness and control my base instincts and sublimate them to Her will. When I kneel and pleasure Her with my mouth, without any thought of reciprocation, I am doing this. But when I feel the sting of the crop across my shoulders during this; it changes things.
She is not simply passively accepting the pleasure I give Her. She is an active participant who is directing my actions. Since She never starts out rough, but rather warms me to Her crop, I know that She is holding me and my well-being first and foremost in Her mind. She is accepting that it is a privilege for me to worship Her in this way, and by granting me pain, She is raising the stakes and demanding that I pay an even higher price for this privilege. It is a price I pay willingly, and if it did not mean interrupting Her pleasure, I would beg Her for more.
This is what has been missing from every discussion of 50 Shades that I have heard...there is not pleasure, no loving, no adoration. It is the power and control and kinky fuckery that I crave, but it is bereft of any redeeming emotional investment. In the absence of such love and affection, it is simply cruelty with a facade of eroticism.
I've had enough cruelty in my life, no matter what it's wearing. So, thanks, but no thanks. I don't need 50 Shades.
But the truth is, I was LOOKING for a reason to not like the book(s). Partly it is because I absolutely loathe pop culture. My favorite things (music, books, etc) are generally things no one else has heard of. So the worst way to get me to try something is to make a HUGE popular fuss over it. Incidentally, that's also why I absolutely can't stand sports fans...just get over your self already.
So why was I ready to hate the book at first glance?
I can't give a short answer (big surprise, I know). Partly, I think, the answer is jealousy - not of someone having written a book, but that all the fuss was/is being made over a book that features BDSM and it has a - wait for it...wait for it...wait for it - a female submissive. What could possibly be more predictable? Sigh.
Look, I KNOW that a more adventurous set of characters would never have taken off like this did. THAT is the problem. Just the fact that this Dominant Man and submissive woman romance has taken off like this allows the incredibly STUPID idea that M/f is NORMAL and what EVERYONE really wants to not just continue, but rise bubbling up through the subconsciousness of a whole new generation of people. God, it makes me just want to puke.
I'm not saying that M/f is wrong. I know a whole lot of people who are happy with that dynamic. I'm very happy for everyone who finds fulfillment in that arrangement. But all that 50 Shades does for me is cast me as an outsider.
Okay, maybe that isn't such a long explanation after all.
Mistress Delila is right, though - this book potentially could go a long way towards destigmatizing BDSM. Except that, from Mistress's review, it looks like everyone in the story is damaged goods and using BDSM to work through rage and power issues. Not exactly a welcoming idea for those who haven't heard of BDSM before.
Plus, why is it that pain is nothing other than a punishment? In a BDSM book, where an admitted sexual sadist takes center stage, wouldn't it be natural for SOMEONE to actually ENJOY what they are doing? There is so much more to BDSM than just the grim determination to see it through to an orgasm.
I don't identify as a masochist, personally. But after more than a year and a half with Mistress Delila, I have to admit that I have a masochistic streak. There are some kinds of pain that I enjoy at some times. It isn't easy to explain, and I guess that's why an author would resort to such rote stereotypical characterizations. When you can't actually understand what it is you are writing about; then you kind of have to fall back on stereotypes, don't you?
I can't speak for others, but I do not seek any sort of sensation based on my childhood abuse and neglect. Quite the opposite, I sought for many years to feel nothing at all about it. I tried to minimize it and ignore it and pretend it never reared its ugly head. Nor do I need pain to get an erection or have an orgasm (although the combination is intense).
When I submit to Mistress Delila, I am displaying my love for Her. By putting Her needs and desires above my own, I grant Her status above me and authority over me. I have to harness and control my base instincts and sublimate them to Her will. When I kneel and pleasure Her with my mouth, without any thought of reciprocation, I am doing this. But when I feel the sting of the crop across my shoulders during this; it changes things.
She is not simply passively accepting the pleasure I give Her. She is an active participant who is directing my actions. Since She never starts out rough, but rather warms me to Her crop, I know that She is holding me and my well-being first and foremost in Her mind. She is accepting that it is a privilege for me to worship Her in this way, and by granting me pain, She is raising the stakes and demanding that I pay an even higher price for this privilege. It is a price I pay willingly, and if it did not mean interrupting Her pleasure, I would beg Her for more.
This is what has been missing from every discussion of 50 Shades that I have heard...there is not pleasure, no loving, no adoration. It is the power and control and kinky fuckery that I crave, but it is bereft of any redeeming emotional investment. In the absence of such love and affection, it is simply cruelty with a facade of eroticism.
I've had enough cruelty in my life, no matter what it's wearing. So, thanks, but no thanks. I don't need 50 Shades.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
50 shades of "you have got to be kidding!"
OK so I gave in to the hype of 50 shades. I started reading it, hopeful that the fervor over it would help bring BDSM out of the shadows, stop the freak label that we carry and help mainstream the kink. I mean with everyone going nuts for the books, it could happen... right? I will admit that it was a lofty expectation. BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? (calms self)
Firstly, these books appear to be written by someone who googled kink. There are a few buzz words and a a lot of BDSM for dummies sort of explanations. "The purpose of the butt plug is to...blah blah blah." But this is not written by someone who understands KINK...or life, or interactions, or how to write...
Ok, not only is the plot weak (he is a self made gazillionaire at 27 yrs old, and she is a pain in the ass)-- but the kink is so stereo-typical that it just feeds all the crap and fear about BDSM...
SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, I AM GOING TO GIVE AWAY PIECES OF THE PLOT, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT...
Problem 1) His interest in BDSM and Sadism is based on his physical and sexual abuse as a child/ young man. This is bullshit. It is a long standing myth that only damaged freaks engage in BDSM. That is simply not the truth. Interest in bondage and kinky sex is not due to abuse or mental illness. I have never been abused in My life, and I am a normal person. On the street, you would notice Me as a well-dressed, put-together woman with a warm smile. There is nothing, absolutely nothing about Me that says "freak train"... honestly! LOL
Problem 2) He wants her to sign a contract about the BDSM activities. These things include never sleeping in his bed, not looking him in the eyes, not touching him without consent and so on. This contract is firstly, not legally binding, and is basically giving him permission to treat her like an object and giving her nothing. While I will admit there are SOME in the BDSM world that want that on both sides (sighs) that is NOT the reality of most relationships of the D/s nature. If you are reading this, then you know that I am a Sensual Dominant. I do not play with "objects." If I wanted THAT, I would buy more damned batteries! She does not sign the contract because she wants more...which is one of only two or three good things about the book! We'll talk about "more" in a minute.
Problem 3) The writer sees and therefore portrays many of his kinky habits as punishment. I guess this makes sense for a character who is perpetually pissed off. For someone with a gazillion dollars, he spends an awful lot of time being pissed off.... but he uses the spanking, binding, orgasm denial, teasing and toys as punishment for he many trivial and irritating mistakes. Someplace in the books (they all blur into one big annoyance for me) she falls asleep on the beach and when she accidentally rolls over, her top falls off and he flips out about her showing her boobs to the public. He punishes her with kinky sex with handcuffs and while she is writhing around, not only does she bruise the shit out of her ankles and wrists, but he puts bite makes and hickeys all over her chest so that she is forced to wear long sleeve and long skirts for the rest of the vacation! Are you kidding Me?? At another point he has to stop himself from "beating the shit out of her." Um ok.. that is not BDSM, that is ABUSE. Plain and simple, causing intentional damage to the body, and beating the shit out of someone is abusive. If he had not been trying to injure her, then he could easily have used padded cuffs or shackles for the same kinky effect without the injuries. As I have said, sweetness and I tried the handcuffs, but they hurt his big thick (drool-ably manly) wrists and shoulder. So we stopped, and switched back to fabric! Easy enough! And spanking, for someone who likes it, is FUN. Its not done as punishment, but instead as part of the play. He ENJOYS the riding crop against his skin. He is not a pain whore, it just works for him! He can talk more about that himself...
Problem 4) The kinky sex scenes are lame. Firstly, they have sex like 10 times a day. Both would be dehydrated at the very least... but then again the sex seems only to last a few minutes. There are a few scenes that are so vague that I could not even tell what was going into where and how... Each scene includes him saying "I want you now", doing a wetness test on her and declaring her good and ready (rolls eyes), mention of some sort of sex toy: This is a (name some toy) and it is used for (some lame internet description of the activity.) Yawn. Shortly after that, she "explodes into a million pieces under him" then he yells OH ANA as he finds his release. (blinks) um that's it?? Really?? Shit, if I wanted 3 min sex, I could have stayed with My ex! LOL! One of the few things I do like about the books is his use of the term "Kinky Fuckery!" I love love love that term and now I use it often. As someone who truly enjoys kinky fuckery, (acts involved in and relating to the kink) I can tell you that 3 mins is simply not the way it works! While I am not willing to use this page as wank fonder (looks up as several readers run out of the blog space. Bye now! LOL) I can honestly tell you that the kinky fuckery starts as Item A, rolls into Activity B, tap dances into C, D, E and F and somewhere around G or H one or both of us collapse into a sweaty, exhausted heap, out of breath and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.... MMM god I love Our kinky fuckery! LMAO
Problem 5) Mr 50 shades started as a submissive, then became a dominant and his Mistress became his submissive, and during a time of great stress, Mr powerful collapses back into a submissive. Again, another Myth. Not everyone in the kink world is a Switch (someone who is both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner and the play)-- It IS true the some try both sides. It is My personal opinion that folks who "play" might switch for fun. By this I am referring to those who are "tops" or "bottoms" in casual play but those who live it tend to be either submissive OR Dominant. I am not, nor will I ever imply that there is only ONE WAY.. that is crap, there are a lot of ways, but not everyone is a switch! I tried to be a switch back in the beginning and I absolutely fucking hated it! HATED IT. Did I mention that I hated it? It actually made me be violent. I am simply not made to be submissive. The very best I can manage is vague indifference. Sigh. Its just the way I am wired, and I am not alone.
Problem 6) He decides he wants to have "more" too. In a matter of months her love cures him of his sadistic nature, his crazy former submissive is cured of her psychotic break and is normal again, and he becomes a happy healthy normal sort of guy who is less of a control freak and life is all just wonderful.
I admit that love is pretty awesome and amazing, it heals the heart and soul to some extent. However, mental illness, early childhood abuse, and controlling nature does not just go away with love, with therapy, with drugs... those things just don't go away. For people with real issues, suggesting that love will fix it all is cruel and unfair. Love is wonderful, but it does not fix everything. And Kinkiness is not something to be cured of! In the end of the books, they settled on something sort of like what I have with My sweetness. A loving form of Kinkey Fuckery, and a loving relationship. That part is good.
Problem 7) This one might actually be closer to the top of My list... Two scenes in the book regarding safe words make me crazy. In one scene, the FIRST heavy kink scene, he is spanking her and she is freaking out and he keeps going. She is too freaked out to remember to use the safe word and he is too self absorbed to see it until its too late. Another scene he loses control and she does use the safe word and he freaks out because he went too far and pushed her beyond her limit. I have said before that I don't like safe words. Let me explain why. I have never had a casual play relationship. I have known my partners and because I am a responsible Dominant, I communicate and I check in, I watch his face, I listen to his noises and I actually ask him, are you ok? Doing alright? need a break? need some water? We will never reach a point of needing a safe word because I am tuned in to him and I keep myself in control. Losing control when you are the controlling party is dangerous. If you feel guilty because your submissive used a safe word, then you know you were not paying attention. Control means control of self as well, not leaving it up to the submissive to tell you when you have gone too far. Human beings react to extremes in different ways. Some shut down, and someone who shuts down will not be able to use a safe word and may not be able to even say stop! The dominant has to remain in control for the safety of everyone involved. The only time My sweetness has ever said stop was due to muscle cramps that had nothing to do with My actions. Leg cramps, hip cramps and gas pains have stopped us, but it has never been stopped because I had gone too far. In fact, on several occasion he was sick and I knew he was not OK before he did. I am tuned in to him and his needs and his boundaries so we don't have safe words.
Enough numbers! There are a lot of things wrong with these books, mostly stereotypes, lack of truthful information, lack of understanding about the interactions and reactions in BDSM, and a general sense of unreality. Sigh, I had such high hopes for the books and they crashed and burned for me. The very best I can hope for is for some people to get a slight tingle from the kink and a very slight loosening of "moral standards." Its a bonus that the church will flip over these books! (EVIL GRIN) Its true, she is making a ton of money off of them. I honestly can't understand why.
I am not sure the world is ready for a truthful book about Kinky Fuckery... or are they?
Firstly, these books appear to be written by someone who googled kink. There are a few buzz words and a a lot of BDSM for dummies sort of explanations. "The purpose of the butt plug is to...blah blah blah." But this is not written by someone who understands KINK...or life, or interactions, or how to write...
Ok, not only is the plot weak (he is a self made gazillionaire at 27 yrs old, and she is a pain in the ass)-- but the kink is so stereo-typical that it just feeds all the crap and fear about BDSM...
SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, I AM GOING TO GIVE AWAY PIECES OF THE PLOT, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT...
Problem 1) His interest in BDSM and Sadism is based on his physical and sexual abuse as a child/ young man. This is bullshit. It is a long standing myth that only damaged freaks engage in BDSM. That is simply not the truth. Interest in bondage and kinky sex is not due to abuse or mental illness. I have never been abused in My life, and I am a normal person. On the street, you would notice Me as a well-dressed, put-together woman with a warm smile. There is nothing, absolutely nothing about Me that says "freak train"... honestly! LOL
Problem 2) He wants her to sign a contract about the BDSM activities. These things include never sleeping in his bed, not looking him in the eyes, not touching him without consent and so on. This contract is firstly, not legally binding, and is basically giving him permission to treat her like an object and giving her nothing. While I will admit there are SOME in the BDSM world that want that on both sides (sighs) that is NOT the reality of most relationships of the D/s nature. If you are reading this, then you know that I am a Sensual Dominant. I do not play with "objects." If I wanted THAT, I would buy more damned batteries! She does not sign the contract because she wants more...which is one of only two or three good things about the book! We'll talk about "more" in a minute.
Problem 3) The writer sees and therefore portrays many of his kinky habits as punishment. I guess this makes sense for a character who is perpetually pissed off. For someone with a gazillion dollars, he spends an awful lot of time being pissed off.... but he uses the spanking, binding, orgasm denial, teasing and toys as punishment for he many trivial and irritating mistakes. Someplace in the books (they all blur into one big annoyance for me) she falls asleep on the beach and when she accidentally rolls over, her top falls off and he flips out about her showing her boobs to the public. He punishes her with kinky sex with handcuffs and while she is writhing around, not only does she bruise the shit out of her ankles and wrists, but he puts bite makes and hickeys all over her chest so that she is forced to wear long sleeve and long skirts for the rest of the vacation! Are you kidding Me?? At another point he has to stop himself from "beating the shit out of her." Um ok.. that is not BDSM, that is ABUSE. Plain and simple, causing intentional damage to the body, and beating the shit out of someone is abusive. If he had not been trying to injure her, then he could easily have used padded cuffs or shackles for the same kinky effect without the injuries. As I have said, sweetness and I tried the handcuffs, but they hurt his big thick (drool-ably manly) wrists and shoulder. So we stopped, and switched back to fabric! Easy enough! And spanking, for someone who likes it, is FUN. Its not done as punishment, but instead as part of the play. He ENJOYS the riding crop against his skin. He is not a pain whore, it just works for him! He can talk more about that himself...
Problem 4) The kinky sex scenes are lame. Firstly, they have sex like 10 times a day. Both would be dehydrated at the very least... but then again the sex seems only to last a few minutes. There are a few scenes that are so vague that I could not even tell what was going into where and how... Each scene includes him saying "I want you now", doing a wetness test on her and declaring her good and ready (rolls eyes), mention of some sort of sex toy: This is a (name some toy) and it is used for (some lame internet description of the activity.) Yawn. Shortly after that, she "explodes into a million pieces under him" then he yells OH ANA as he finds his release. (blinks) um that's it?? Really?? Shit, if I wanted 3 min sex, I could have stayed with My ex! LOL! One of the few things I do like about the books is his use of the term "Kinky Fuckery!" I love love love that term and now I use it often. As someone who truly enjoys kinky fuckery, (acts involved in and relating to the kink) I can tell you that 3 mins is simply not the way it works! While I am not willing to use this page as wank fonder (looks up as several readers run out of the blog space. Bye now! LOL) I can honestly tell you that the kinky fuckery starts as Item A, rolls into Activity B, tap dances into C, D, E and F and somewhere around G or H one or both of us collapse into a sweaty, exhausted heap, out of breath and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.... MMM god I love Our kinky fuckery! LMAO
Problem 5) Mr 50 shades started as a submissive, then became a dominant and his Mistress became his submissive, and during a time of great stress, Mr powerful collapses back into a submissive. Again, another Myth. Not everyone in the kink world is a Switch (someone who is both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner and the play)-- It IS true the some try both sides. It is My personal opinion that folks who "play" might switch for fun. By this I am referring to those who are "tops" or "bottoms" in casual play but those who live it tend to be either submissive OR Dominant. I am not, nor will I ever imply that there is only ONE WAY.. that is crap, there are a lot of ways, but not everyone is a switch! I tried to be a switch back in the beginning and I absolutely fucking hated it! HATED IT. Did I mention that I hated it? It actually made me be violent. I am simply not made to be submissive. The very best I can manage is vague indifference. Sigh. Its just the way I am wired, and I am not alone.
Problem 6) He decides he wants to have "more" too. In a matter of months her love cures him of his sadistic nature, his crazy former submissive is cured of her psychotic break and is normal again, and he becomes a happy healthy normal sort of guy who is less of a control freak and life is all just wonderful.
I admit that love is pretty awesome and amazing, it heals the heart and soul to some extent. However, mental illness, early childhood abuse, and controlling nature does not just go away with love, with therapy, with drugs... those things just don't go away. For people with real issues, suggesting that love will fix it all is cruel and unfair. Love is wonderful, but it does not fix everything. And Kinkiness is not something to be cured of! In the end of the books, they settled on something sort of like what I have with My sweetness. A loving form of Kinkey Fuckery, and a loving relationship. That part is good.
Problem 7) This one might actually be closer to the top of My list... Two scenes in the book regarding safe words make me crazy. In one scene, the FIRST heavy kink scene, he is spanking her and she is freaking out and he keeps going. She is too freaked out to remember to use the safe word and he is too self absorbed to see it until its too late. Another scene he loses control and she does use the safe word and he freaks out because he went too far and pushed her beyond her limit. I have said before that I don't like safe words. Let me explain why. I have never had a casual play relationship. I have known my partners and because I am a responsible Dominant, I communicate and I check in, I watch his face, I listen to his noises and I actually ask him, are you ok? Doing alright? need a break? need some water? We will never reach a point of needing a safe word because I am tuned in to him and I keep myself in control. Losing control when you are the controlling party is dangerous. If you feel guilty because your submissive used a safe word, then you know you were not paying attention. Control means control of self as well, not leaving it up to the submissive to tell you when you have gone too far. Human beings react to extremes in different ways. Some shut down, and someone who shuts down will not be able to use a safe word and may not be able to even say stop! The dominant has to remain in control for the safety of everyone involved. The only time My sweetness has ever said stop was due to muscle cramps that had nothing to do with My actions. Leg cramps, hip cramps and gas pains have stopped us, but it has never been stopped because I had gone too far. In fact, on several occasion he was sick and I knew he was not OK before he did. I am tuned in to him and his needs and his boundaries so we don't have safe words.
Enough numbers! There are a lot of things wrong with these books, mostly stereotypes, lack of truthful information, lack of understanding about the interactions and reactions in BDSM, and a general sense of unreality. Sigh, I had such high hopes for the books and they crashed and burned for me. The very best I can hope for is for some people to get a slight tingle from the kink and a very slight loosening of "moral standards." Its a bonus that the church will flip over these books! (EVIL GRIN) Its true, she is making a ton of money off of them. I honestly can't understand why.
I am not sure the world is ready for a truthful book about Kinky Fuckery... or are they?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Try the direct route
I love 95% of this post. Right up to the point where the author writes:
I'll cut some slack for the author admitting that She is new to BDSM, and that She came to it through watching porn. But I find this conclusion to be rather offensive, and I'm pretty sure if She tries it this way, She is going to end up frustrated and hurt.
First of all, with the "fly under the radar" thing...one of the cornerstones of having a healthy relationship of any kind is "informed consent." Failure to have that consent means the relationship is built on manipulation and lies. In my experience, relationships that strive for honesty will still encounter enough problems without planning a huge deception from the beginning.
Think about an alternate scenario: A woman is writing about wanting a big family and says, "It doesn't matter if he wants kids or not. I'll fly under the radar and he can either have sex with me and raise the kids I want or he can not have sex...and we all know how that will work out!" Would that sound flirty and confident or deranged and manipulative? No one in their right mind would encourage her to "fly under the radar" with such an important aspect of a relationship.
Well, that goes double for BDSM. If someone is going to tie me up, blindfold me, and otherwise render me helpless; then I have to be confident that I'm not going to suddenly be forced into uncharted territory with no way to communicate. There can be no doubt about whether the Dominant is honest about their desires and how they are going to fulfill them. What if She decides that the dildo went in so easy that She's going to cram Her whole fist up there? If I can't trust that I know the answer to that; then I'm not going to get immobilized in the first place.
Secondly, there's the idea that She wants "a strong man" who has never thought about submission. If She had any idea how offensive that comment is; then I doubt She'd have written it. It's as if She is believes that a man loses his strength when he even thinks about submission. What about those of us who live it as our normal lives? Are we spineless jellyfish? What does She mean by "strong" anyway?
Mistress Delila does not (usually) restrain me when She wants to enjoy hurting me. I lay there, holding my body open and vulnerable so She can take Her pleasure. It isn't something any weakling would consider. Plus, in a society that holds submission to be antithesis to masculinity, any guy who steps out and openly proclaims his submissiveness is showing a hell of a lot of strength of character. His biceps aren't big enough? Combine push-ups and cunnilingus and make them bigger.
Strength occurs independently of submissive desires. I understand that the author is simply expressing Her desires - but to the extent that it reinforces the perception of submissive men as being weak, it needs to be called out. At the very least, She needs to be a bit more specific about what She is wanting - something that is hard to do while flying under the radar.
Then there's, "I'll even make him think it's all his idea..." Why? For the sake of all the fucking in Heaven, why? If the idea is to be DOMINANT; then why would She want to start by forfeiting even the idea that She wants to be Dominant? Speaking as a submissive man, I don't want a woman I have to CONVINCE to Dominate me. I want (and have) a woman who will listen carefully to what I want and need, ask questions to clarify any murky areas, explain what She is looking for, and then submerge me within Her will.
Periodically, I see posts that ask, "How can I get my vanilla SO to be kinky?" The answer is: You can't. Either they are, or they aren't. Now, there is a possibility that they are kinky and are unaware of it, but that isn't the same as not being kinky. Exactly how does one segue from man-on-top, penis-in-vagina to woman-on-top, whipping-his-ass-and-plowing-a-strapon without the other person knowing it is happening? Short of date-rape drugs and heavy sedation - both of which are morally reprehensible - it isn't possible. Get it out of your head!
The way to find out if someone is kinky - even if you've been married for fifty years - is to sit down and talk with them. It's something that no one can fly under the radar with. Trying to do so only leads to hurt feelings and heartbreak.
Moving back up the post, the author writes:
As far as how to talk to someone...it's easy, but scary. Take a deep breath, look them in the eye, and say, "I am really looking for a man/woman/something that is willing to do this________. How do you feel about that?"
Don't let the websites scare You. There are all kinds of dating sites filled with people who want to be married or just to hook up for a night. But that doesn't mean it is impossible to find someone in between those extremes.
I'll close with this hard-learned bit of advice: You will never find what you want by accepting something you don't want. You will only hurt people by accepting what you don't want in the hopes that it will turn into what you do want.
No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…
I'll cut some slack for the author admitting that She is new to BDSM, and that She came to it through watching porn. But I find this conclusion to be rather offensive, and I'm pretty sure if She tries it this way, She is going to end up frustrated and hurt.
First of all, with the "fly under the radar" thing...one of the cornerstones of having a healthy relationship of any kind is "informed consent." Failure to have that consent means the relationship is built on manipulation and lies. In my experience, relationships that strive for honesty will still encounter enough problems without planning a huge deception from the beginning.
Think about an alternate scenario: A woman is writing about wanting a big family and says, "It doesn't matter if he wants kids or not. I'll fly under the radar and he can either have sex with me and raise the kids I want or he can not have sex...and we all know how that will work out!" Would that sound flirty and confident or deranged and manipulative? No one in their right mind would encourage her to "fly under the radar" with such an important aspect of a relationship.
Well, that goes double for BDSM. If someone is going to tie me up, blindfold me, and otherwise render me helpless; then I have to be confident that I'm not going to suddenly be forced into uncharted territory with no way to communicate. There can be no doubt about whether the Dominant is honest about their desires and how they are going to fulfill them. What if She decides that the dildo went in so easy that She's going to cram Her whole fist up there? If I can't trust that I know the answer to that; then I'm not going to get immobilized in the first place.
Secondly, there's the idea that She wants "a strong man" who has never thought about submission. If She had any idea how offensive that comment is; then I doubt She'd have written it. It's as if She is believes that a man loses his strength when he even thinks about submission. What about those of us who live it as our normal lives? Are we spineless jellyfish? What does She mean by "strong" anyway?
Mistress Delila does not (usually) restrain me when She wants to enjoy hurting me. I lay there, holding my body open and vulnerable so She can take Her pleasure. It isn't something any weakling would consider. Plus, in a society that holds submission to be antithesis to masculinity, any guy who steps out and openly proclaims his submissiveness is showing a hell of a lot of strength of character. His biceps aren't big enough? Combine push-ups and cunnilingus and make them bigger.
Strength occurs independently of submissive desires. I understand that the author is simply expressing Her desires - but to the extent that it reinforces the perception of submissive men as being weak, it needs to be called out. At the very least, She needs to be a bit more specific about what She is wanting - something that is hard to do while flying under the radar.
Then there's, "I'll even make him think it's all his idea..." Why? For the sake of all the fucking in Heaven, why? If the idea is to be DOMINANT; then why would She want to start by forfeiting even the idea that She wants to be Dominant? Speaking as a submissive man, I don't want a woman I have to CONVINCE to Dominate me. I want (and have) a woman who will listen carefully to what I want and need, ask questions to clarify any murky areas, explain what She is looking for, and then submerge me within Her will.
Periodically, I see posts that ask, "How can I get my vanilla SO to be kinky?" The answer is: You can't. Either they are, or they aren't. Now, there is a possibility that they are kinky and are unaware of it, but that isn't the same as not being kinky. Exactly how does one segue from man-on-top, penis-in-vagina to woman-on-top, whipping-his-ass-and-plowing-a-strapon without the other person knowing it is happening? Short of date-rape drugs and heavy sedation - both of which are morally reprehensible - it isn't possible. Get it out of your head!
The way to find out if someone is kinky - even if you've been married for fifty years - is to sit down and talk with them. It's something that no one can fly under the radar with. Trying to do so only leads to hurt feelings and heartbreak.
Moving back up the post, the author writes:
I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours.Most Dominant women don't fit the "Dominatrix" model as found in porn, just as most submissive men don't fit the "slave" model found there. The good news is that, when you are open and honest about what you want, you are free to forge your own path. Instead of having him on all fours, make him stand up to fold the laundry - make him stand up naked while wearing a gigantic butt plug if that's what both of you like. Or just keep it in the bedroom. Whatever floats your boat is what you should be looking for.
As far as how to talk to someone...it's easy, but scary. Take a deep breath, look them in the eye, and say, "I am really looking for a man/woman/something that is willing to do this________. How do you feel about that?"
Don't let the websites scare You. There are all kinds of dating sites filled with people who want to be married or just to hook up for a night. But that doesn't mean it is impossible to find someone in between those extremes.
I'll close with this hard-learned bit of advice: You will never find what you want by accepting something you don't want. You will only hurt people by accepting what you don't want in the hopes that it will turn into what you do want.
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