For the love

For the love

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Failing the dynamic

Mistress and I started blogging because we realized we have a rare and wonderful love that is express through a D/s relationship. It wasn't filled with humiliation and degradation (as too much material out there would have you believe), but on mutual respect and compatible desires. We decided that there needs to be more voices of "normal" folks who enjoy BDSM as a lifestyle.

We try to keep things as real as we can. We often focus on what is good and pleasurable and wonderful and affirming. This, unfortunately, is not one of those posts. This is a post about my humanity, and how I'm so far from perfect, and how Mistress loved me enough to withstand my fury.

The reason for my anger isn't really important as far as this post is concerned. What is important is to know that something happened that surprised and shocked me. I quickly went from surprise to hurt, and then from hurt to anger. Then anger turned to rage and I exploded.

Early in my life, I struggled with an explosive anger. I learned how to control it by delaying my reactions. After all, there are few things in modern life that demand an immediate fight or flight response. Over the decades, I have practiced this into something close to second nature. This makes me slow to anger...most of the time.

I also have to say that this could not have happened at a worse time for Mistress. She came home from work with a bit of a scratchy throat, and it very quickly grew into a full-blown sickness (just a cold, but it was bad enough). By the time this incident happened, right before bedtime, She was exhausted. She had pushed herself to her limit...and I was about to push Her beyond it.

I tried to hold back and wait for a better time, but I couldn't. I was at the heights of distress, and everything came tumbling out with no filter whatsoever. I was raging at Her and wouldn't listen to any words of reason. I made accusations and I raised my voice, over and over again. Not only was I not submissive, I wasn't even respectful.

In short, I failed the dynamic on which our relationship is built. From the moment we began moving towards a relationship, I have been submissive in all of my dealings with Her. There have been perhaps a handful of times when I said things that were out of line, but a quick word from Her was all it took to restore the dynamic of our relationship. That did not happen this time. The dynamic completely broke down.

Mistress talked to me for two hours, and a good part of that time "talk" was merely me spouting angry words in a very disrespectful manner. Exhausted and physically sick, emotionally stunned and reeling from my accusations, She stayed with me. She took everything I flung at Her. She was strong in a way She should never have to be strong. I can only hope that I would have that kind of strength for Her if She needed it.

In the end, there was no way to definitively show what happened. I could either insist that I was right, and destroy everything we have built, or I could believe in Her. I chose the second path. I would like to say that I chose to believe Her because She is too valuable to me to not believe Her - but even though that is true, that isn't what convinced me to trust Her. I chose to believe Her because, when I finally calmed down, there was no reason for me not to believe Her. Everything I know about this woman insisted that I was wrong. So I swallowed what I believed happen and stepped into Her arms on faith, and believed Her.

There was damage to repair, but first, we needed sleep. It took me a while, but I slept, and woke up exhausted. As I always do, my first action was to text Mistress and greet Her for the day. Her reply told me that I had really hurt Her. I had rocked the foundation upon which we stand, and She wasn't going to jump back on Her feet immediately. "I'm sorry" is a great start, but it is never the ending.

So we talked. Then we talked. Then we talked some more. All of this while She was sick and physically drained from fighting sickness. She explained how it felt to be on the receiving end of my rage. She told me that it made Her scared to be near me if I should ever become like that again. She explained how it hurt Her that I did not believe Her. If we do not have trust; then do we have anything?

I spent some time reassuring Her. I explained how best to handle my rage (don't touch me, send me away to cool down). I apologized for my behavior. I promised it wouldn't happen again. She assured me that my emotions are acceptable, no matter what, but I have to find a better way to address them with Her.

After She rested, and I had time to think, we broached the subject yet again. I unpacked a lot of baggage that I have carried for years. None of it had anything to do with Her, but an innocent misunderstanding triggered all of the hurt and betrayal stuffed into that baggage. Without excusing my actions, She understood why I had behaved as I did. Without letting me off the hook for what I had done, She released me from responsibility for having been hurt in the past. Then She made me feel loved and treasured.

As Her control reasserted itself, I realized that I felt something else: safe. This is perhaps one of the greatest gifts that any person can give to another, but it is particularly necessary for a Dominant to give to a submissive - the understanding that it is safe to be submissive and not pretend to be in control of things. It is knowing that the harms of the past will not be renewed. It is knowing that love and acceptance do not change with moods. Without this safety, nothing else can be built.

I want to make it clear that the way She set about restoring Her authority was pleasant. She could have said, "I'm the Dominant, and you're the sub. You will do what I say." I would have accepted that, but I would have struggled with it. She could have simply punished me for my behavior. I would have accepted that, as well, but it would not have restored our relationship - only the authority that I had usurped. Instead, She found out what was going on with me, what I needed to prevent further outbursts, what to do if the prevention failed, and then - THEN - She set up new rules to deal with this new situation.

Such events are never truly behind us, though. They are rolled into the ongoing experience of how we relate to each other. These things either tear people apart, or make them realize what is important and strengthen them. We have taken the second path, and that is because She chose to listen with love and help me through a crisis before restoring Her authority, and I chose to trust the woman I love - who is, after all, the most trustworthy person I've ever known.