For the love

For the love

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Saving The Dynamic

As tomio said, we usually try to write about positive things, but we are only human.  Part of being human is having weaknesses... it's how you handle the weaknesses that determines where you end up.

This is very difficult for Me to write, because, well... it's really hard to go through it all again.  I am really more of a get over it and move on sort of woman, but this does need to be shared.  If only to help someone else get through it.

My reality is that I live a bit of a dual life.  I am Me, the control freak Domme, lover and owner of tomio on one side and on the other side is the upright, professional woman with a warm smile and a quick laugh.  Part of that duality means that I must mislead some people in My life to keep them away from this side and to keep the guise of My public life.  I am comfortable with this, because it keeps the drama out of My world and I like it that way.

The person that I have never mislead, the person who knows all of My truth, the good, the bad and the ugly is My tomio.  He is My confidant and My sanity.  He lets Me be Me more than any person in the world, and for that I am entirely grateful.   So imagine Me, sick, feverish, congested and just needing to sleep for a week so I can get better... imagine Me calling sweet tomio to get My loving goodnight so I could curl into bed for the night.  What I got on the other end was not My sweet tomio, but instead an angry, mean, somewhat crazed man who was screaming at Me.  I could hear his teeth gritting and hear the struggle in his voice.  I was confused to say the least. My mind was racing, what could possibly have happened to cause this?  He was not making sense, making accusations that were only half formed because he was so upset, and just going on and on, anger pouring out off him like lava from a volcano.

I felt like I had been blind-sided, then sucker-punched.  Nothing he was saying was making any sense to Me...  Stop...stop...STOP just fucking STOP!

The details of the fight are not important to anyone but us.  What is important is what we did about the fight itself.  

The biggest problem on My end is that his reaction terrified Me.  This was not just anger, it was RAGE, white hot rage and it was terrifying.  It was the first time that I was actually GLAD that there was distance between us. That is very hard to admit, even to Myself.

The second issue is that I was feeling guilty for something, and had no idea what it was.  Obviously I had failed him somehow and I needed to fix it....but I did not even understand what it was that was wrong, and he had made some pretty painful accusations.

So what do you do?  How do you address a train wreck like this?

The bottom line is that you talk about it.  You talk and you talk and you talk, honestly, openly with with good intentions.  You dig into all of those dirty corners and discuss every little thing until you can't talk any more.  Then the hard work starts.  You have to rebuild trust, because love is a wonderful thing, but it cannot fix everything.

After we had discussed everything and agreed that it was a giant misunderstanding, we set about making it right.  In the type of relationship we have, trust is paramount.  He needs to trust Me and I need to trust him and we both need to relax into the dynamics of what we have and what we want to continue to have. That was when he realized that I was afraid of his anger and because of that fear I was hesitant to be with him again.

Everyone has baggage.  What do you do when all of a sudden you are wrapped up in someone else's baggage?  The truth of the matter is that often we unwillingly wrap the ones we love into the mess made by other people.  Its not fair, but we do it.    So you start by separating the guilty parties from the innocent ones.  You pick through the details of the wrongs and you look long and hard at them.    My tomio has a lot of baggage.  I knew that going into it, but the ugliness of the past can taint the beauty of today if you let it.  We dug through it all, detail by detail.  It was hard and it was ugly.  But in the end it was worth it, because in the end we were closer.

It started to get better.  Things were feeling better and there was joy returning to our lives.  Then it happened again.  Tomio did not mention that part.  He did it again.  He blew up at Me a second time.  I was torn to shreds again, and again I was glad he was so far away.  Apparently everything was not resolved and it was going to take a while.  The second blow up had a slightly different flavor to it, but the affect was also different.

I am a very controlled person.  I keep My emotions tight to My chest and present a strong front at all times.  But that second blow up stuck with Me.  More than I had realized, it had gotten inside.  I developed a fear reflex every time we started to talk about deep things.  At first I did not realize it but then it hit Me.  I was demanding reassurance that he was not going to blow up before I could call him at night.  And finally I had to admit it to him.  "I feel like you have given Me a form of PTSD and I can't handle it!"   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is complicated and far more serious than My own issues, but I needed him to understand how big it was.   He was very quiet.

I am a strong woman and it is hard for Me to admit when I can't be strong.  So I opened My weakness up to him.  I could not do it alone. That was hard, so very hard to do.  Why was it hard?  Because I am Dominant in our relationship.  Deep down in the dark places in My heart, I was feeling like I had failed our dynamic in My own way.  I was not able to be strong enough to get over this one the way I needed to... and it was eating at My confidence.   Both times that he blew up, I was weakened by either illness or stress or exhaustion.  I was feeling like I could not show weakness or I opened Myself up to another attack.  It was ugly.

We talked, we cried and in the end we were still the same people.  I was still Dominant.  He was still submissive and our dynamic was intact.   I told him honestly that I was not sure that I could survive another blow up, and that he had to talk to Me long before it got to that point again.

He agreed that he would talk to Me and he understood that if he continued to blow up, the damage was likely to be big.  Not to say that he was not allowed to be human, quite the opposite.  He was just not allowed to simmer any more.

There are still times when I need to check in with him about how he is doing and get reassured that there is nothing under the surface brewing.   Its going to take time.  He has asked Me what it will take to fix it entirely...  and time was the only answer.

We are human, and flawed in our own ways.  Communication cannot ever be replaced with lust.  Love does not conquer all, but it makes it worth the struggles.  I know it does.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Failing the dynamic

Mistress and I started blogging because we realized we have a rare and wonderful love that is express through a D/s relationship. It wasn't filled with humiliation and degradation (as too much material out there would have you believe), but on mutual respect and compatible desires. We decided that there needs to be more voices of "normal" folks who enjoy BDSM as a lifestyle.

We try to keep things as real as we can. We often focus on what is good and pleasurable and wonderful and affirming. This, unfortunately, is not one of those posts. This is a post about my humanity, and how I'm so far from perfect, and how Mistress loved me enough to withstand my fury.

The reason for my anger isn't really important as far as this post is concerned. What is important is to know that something happened that surprised and shocked me. I quickly went from surprise to hurt, and then from hurt to anger. Then anger turned to rage and I exploded.

Early in my life, I struggled with an explosive anger. I learned how to control it by delaying my reactions. After all, there are few things in modern life that demand an immediate fight or flight response. Over the decades, I have practiced this into something close to second nature. This makes me slow to anger...most of the time.

I also have to say that this could not have happened at a worse time for Mistress. She came home from work with a bit of a scratchy throat, and it very quickly grew into a full-blown sickness (just a cold, but it was bad enough). By the time this incident happened, right before bedtime, She was exhausted. She had pushed herself to her limit...and I was about to push Her beyond it.

I tried to hold back and wait for a better time, but I couldn't. I was at the heights of distress, and everything came tumbling out with no filter whatsoever. I was raging at Her and wouldn't listen to any words of reason. I made accusations and I raised my voice, over and over again. Not only was I not submissive, I wasn't even respectful.

In short, I failed the dynamic on which our relationship is built. From the moment we began moving towards a relationship, I have been submissive in all of my dealings with Her. There have been perhaps a handful of times when I said things that were out of line, but a quick word from Her was all it took to restore the dynamic of our relationship. That did not happen this time. The dynamic completely broke down.

Mistress talked to me for two hours, and a good part of that time "talk" was merely me spouting angry words in a very disrespectful manner. Exhausted and physically sick, emotionally stunned and reeling from my accusations, She stayed with me. She took everything I flung at Her. She was strong in a way She should never have to be strong. I can only hope that I would have that kind of strength for Her if She needed it.

In the end, there was no way to definitively show what happened. I could either insist that I was right, and destroy everything we have built, or I could believe in Her. I chose the second path. I would like to say that I chose to believe Her because She is too valuable to me to not believe Her - but even though that is true, that isn't what convinced me to trust Her. I chose to believe Her because, when I finally calmed down, there was no reason for me not to believe Her. Everything I know about this woman insisted that I was wrong. So I swallowed what I believed happen and stepped into Her arms on faith, and believed Her.

There was damage to repair, but first, we needed sleep. It took me a while, but I slept, and woke up exhausted. As I always do, my first action was to text Mistress and greet Her for the day. Her reply told me that I had really hurt Her. I had rocked the foundation upon which we stand, and She wasn't going to jump back on Her feet immediately. "I'm sorry" is a great start, but it is never the ending.

So we talked. Then we talked. Then we talked some more. All of this while She was sick and physically drained from fighting sickness. She explained how it felt to be on the receiving end of my rage. She told me that it made Her scared to be near me if I should ever become like that again. She explained how it hurt Her that I did not believe Her. If we do not have trust; then do we have anything?

I spent some time reassuring Her. I explained how best to handle my rage (don't touch me, send me away to cool down). I apologized for my behavior. I promised it wouldn't happen again. She assured me that my emotions are acceptable, no matter what, but I have to find a better way to address them with Her.

After She rested, and I had time to think, we broached the subject yet again. I unpacked a lot of baggage that I have carried for years. None of it had anything to do with Her, but an innocent misunderstanding triggered all of the hurt and betrayal stuffed into that baggage. Without excusing my actions, She understood why I had behaved as I did. Without letting me off the hook for what I had done, She released me from responsibility for having been hurt in the past. Then She made me feel loved and treasured.

As Her control reasserted itself, I realized that I felt something else: safe. This is perhaps one of the greatest gifts that any person can give to another, but it is particularly necessary for a Dominant to give to a submissive - the understanding that it is safe to be submissive and not pretend to be in control of things. It is knowing that the harms of the past will not be renewed. It is knowing that love and acceptance do not change with moods. Without this safety, nothing else can be built.

I want to make it clear that the way She set about restoring Her authority was pleasant. She could have said, "I'm the Dominant, and you're the sub. You will do what I say." I would have accepted that, but I would have struggled with it. She could have simply punished me for my behavior. I would have accepted that, as well, but it would not have restored our relationship - only the authority that I had usurped. Instead, She found out what was going on with me, what I needed to prevent further outbursts, what to do if the prevention failed, and then - THEN - She set up new rules to deal with this new situation.

Such events are never truly behind us, though. They are rolled into the ongoing experience of how we relate to each other. These things either tear people apart, or make them realize what is important and strengthen them. We have taken the second path, and that is because She chose to listen with love and help me through a crisis before restoring Her authority, and I chose to trust the woman I love - who is, after all, the most trustworthy person I've ever known.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Compare and Contrast: The Mighty Dildo Review

You know how it is when you order a new toy and wait with joyful expectation for its arrival so you can try it out and just lay there in the blissful afterglow, amazed by how much better reality is than any fantasy you've ever had?

If you've ever had that feeling; then hold that memory dear, because you won't be experiencing it with the Doc Johnson Raging Hardons Slimline Cobalt Blue Jellie 7-inch Ballsie. First of all, the name is WAY too complicated. I want to choke on the cock in my throat, not the name attached to it. But Doc Johnson is generally a good company and it offers affordable toys of decent quality. So we ordered it. And we were excited when it came in. So far, so good.

I think the good doctor may need his license examined. At the very least, it is apparent that Doc Johnson is not a urologist or male genitalia specialist of any sort. If this is what the Doc considers to be a "raging hardon" then I truly pity whatever woman he is with. It has the rigidity of a warm hot dog. It can't even stand up on its own without leaning over like a yoga master. Mistress has taken to referring to it as "the Raging Flacid."

Other than the exceptionally misleading name, it's a decent product. I enjoyed it in my throat and could even take short, slow breaths around it. This means I could stay down on it longer, which is fun. It didn't even come close to triggering a gag reflex...which takes the challenge away. I like it when I choke a bit - Mistress loves the way my eyes tear up when I stare up at Her in adoration, and I feel totally slutty (in the best way) when a bit of drool falls from my lips and drops onto my chest. So it's a trade off - easier to deep throat, but less of the fun stuff that comes from doing so. Of course, I could just spit on myself and She could poke my eye, but that just isn't as sexy.

At the other end, it was about the same. It was too soft for Mistress to thrust with it in Her harness, so She had to take matters (and dildo) into hand. Because it is fairly slender, it was easy to take and the ridges felt wonderful. However, She had to go fairly slowly because otherwise it sort of wobbled and threatened to double over instead of going in.

So it's a good, affordable toy - but the name is misleading (even though it is called "jellie" - after all, some jelly-like products are also fairly rigid). We both enjoyed having the toy, but felt a bit ripped-off. I think it would be a great toy for someone who wants to try a dildo for the first time, but I would advise the "raging hardon" be removed from the name.

We continued our search for the Perfect Girl-Cock with a grab-bag order from Tantus. The good news is that the price was incredible. The bad news, potentially, is that you have no control over the color of the toy, though you can choose the toy. That's what grab bag means, after all. What we got was a pink Echo Vibrator and a coffee colored Vamp.

We tried the Echo first, with the vibrating bullet removed. The girth was just right to trigger a soft gag reflex that I could easily control. It fit into my throat without any sense of stretching and I wasn't able to breath around it. This makes deep throating a work of breath control - which I love - and it leaves me a little breathless. My eyes teared satisfactorily, but Mistress stopped just before I started drooling. A little longer, though, and I would have been a very messy slut (maybe next time).

Mistress had no trouble slipping it into my ass. The girth was, again, perfect. The length was perfect. The ripples gave just enough stimulation to turn me into a whimper ball of ecstasy. I found just the right arch of my back to allow it to stroke my prostate so that I was dripping within a few moments. Mistress could take me as hard as She wanted and as fast as She wanted. She could also take me slowly and lovingly. It performed as well no matter how She used it.

The only thing that didn't exceed our expectations was the vibe. It is bigger and more powerful than most bullet vibes, but it just didn't hit Mistress in the right spot. Given the variation among women, I don't know how a designer could possibly make one that is right for everyone, though. One of my fantasies is for Her to take me until She orgasms from it...and I don't think that will happen with this one.

I would still give it my highest recommendation. It is a wonderful toy, and just thinking about taking it again gives me a yummy tingling in my lower belly.

Mistress didn't really care for the color of the Vamp because She doesn't want a girl-cock that looks like a boy-cock. In general, the color doesn't have any impact for me. Compared to the Echo, it has a bit bigger girth. It feels a bit shorter, when on the business side of it, but I couldn't swear that it is.

Kneeling before Her and seeing it at eye level was just a bit intimidating, but in an exciting way. The color DID make a difference, but it was not major and not unpleasant. It did not fit easily into my throat. I had to choke back my gag reflex and push hard. When it was in, I felt...impaled. If it had been a half inch longer, I think it would have been more comfortable, but I couldn't swear that I could get that much in my throat. It would be an excellent tool to help me learn to control my gag reflex better.

The increased girth made me gasp when Mistress pushed into my ass. She has a plug that is bigger and we both love when I take that, so it wasn't enough to make me feel stretched. But I knew that I was taking a big cock in my ass. That, in itself, made me feel slutty and dirty (again, these are good things for me). When Mistress drew back, the tip just started to slide out of me before She pounded it into me again (this is why I think it is a bit shorter than the Echo). This made my anus flex uncontrollably in a way that the Echo didn't. That extra loss of control was a big bonus for me. Plus, it is big enough that it drove air from my lungs with every thrust, so that I was panting in short order.

Again, I was able to arch so that it hit my prostate - though "pummeled" is more like it. Yes, that is also a good thing. Wetness dripped out of me and slid down my thigh, making me feel like the dirtiest bitch that ever took a girl-cock in his ass. I think if Mistress had kept it up just a bit longer, I would have had an orgasm from it (and I have had real and true orgasms - white creamy ejaculate pumping from my cock -  from Her taking my ass, so I'm not exaggerating).

Like the Echo, this has my highest recommendation. However, it is definitely not a beginner's toy. But both the Echo and the Vamp left us with that very happy feeling of having gotten more than we expected - and at an amazing price.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Human factor of BDSM

(I truly love the way he writes and thinks! SIGH)

That post makes Me think of all of the really horrible encounters with submissive men...and makes Me realize how lucky I am to have found My tomio.

I did not set out to be part of this lifestyle.  I found it by accident thanks to a Dominant man who offered something I had never considered. I was shocked and horrified by it, honestly. I did not understand it.. but I was intrigued.  I was living a life of frustration... unfulfilled, wanting something, and not knowing what I wanted.  So I stumbled and fumbled and discovered a lot about Myself and My needs and My hungers.  I found that unlike the the hopes of My first toy, I was not submissive.  I was also not a switch, I tried to be, and it was... not pretty. It honestly made Me quite ugly.

So imagine Me, previously a good girl, suddenly realizing why I was so unfulfilled.  I was only a good girl in public...  behind closed doors I was... well I was something else.  Not only that, but it was a BIG something else... something viewed as wrong by some, wicked by others...  Where does one take that sort of energy?  And what is the point of having that energy if you cannot share it?

So I did the unthinkable.  While continuing to play on and off with this Dom, who was willing to be My sub for short periods of time (it was a disaster of a relationship, but we will talk more about that at another time)  I went in search of a submissive.

Yeah, um... not a fun trip.  I encountered the old men, the very young men, the sissies, the girls who wanted to be boys, the men who wanted to be submissive but still be in charge and the men who thought they might be submissive but weren't sure.  I feel like I hit the mother load of bullshit.  I know that sounds awful to say, but I was hitting wall after wall after wall.  What kind of fucked up maze did I get myself into and where the fuck is the door??

I agree entirely with tomio on his take on the fantasy verses reality.   Men seem to get into this loop of liking an image and creating a fantasy around it.  Then they try to recreate the fantasy with a person, but HEY news flash, real life and fantasy are rarely something that can run congruently!

The first thing they forget is that the person on the other end is, in fact, HUMAN.  This means they have needs, wants, desires and GASP (you can't be serious) they have FEELINGS! (Low groan from the fantasy realm.) Which means they can get hurt, angry and other such truly un-fantastic things.

I have had great interactions that go south in a big fat hurry:  There have been old men who want to move in with Me to live out their golden years (umm wow.  No.)  The 20-somethings vow to serve Me without ever meeting Me, then immediately want to see a picture, which I don't send and they get mad and say stupid things like "I bet you are just a big fat sow anyways!"  (Yeah, perhaps if you pulled my ponytail it will get my attention.)  Or they are great and brave until you actually reply then they freak out and panic and disappear.  Even better is when I mention that real life is not like fantasy then their heads explode and they run away to cry because I was mean...  SIGH.

I used to view My inbox with great excitement!  Yay, someone reaching out, a chance, an opportunity, oh the joy of the potential...Oh it's a cock.  Its a picture of an average looking cock and a note saying I should give him a try because he is everything I have ever dreamed of...  or better yet, a video of some headless man with a furry body...stroking.  (heavy sigh.  DELETE)

I was fed up, sick of it and just plain frustrated. I was ready to give up, hang up My boots and be done with it.  Then I bumped into tomio and reacted to him with human kindness and compassion.  We talked a lot online, then on the phone, then in person...  it grew into something that neither of us could have imagined.  It is amazing, truly.  Our relationship is the most fulfilling one I have ever had in My life, and I am grateful for the way he loves Me!  He never sent Me a picture of his dick... at least not until I told him to! (grins wickedly)

Here is the thing...  I would never have connected with the man of My dreams if he led with his cock! He led with his brain, and heart and he left his cock firmly tucked into his boxer briefs, inside of zipped pants, with a book on his lap.

Some of us want to know the person, not just the cock.  I know, I know, its a radical thought, but opening the door with a cock is just not... ok its not sanitary (LMAO!) but it's also not how I view men.  They are not a cock with a personality.  They are personalities that if they are very lucky and the chemistry is right, I may get to know the cock later... maybe.  I know there are people who view BDSM as a sexual thing, just a dirty way to get your rocks off.    I have to say that I have had several D/s relationships that did NOT involve sexual intercourse.  This is one of the few places where tomio and I disagree...  I do not consider strap-on play to be sexual intercourse.  He does.  To Me it is an act of submission, a show of My Dominance...  That being said, My relationship with tomio has taken it to another level entirely and now it is a sexual experience with him... especially if I keep him on his back!  Words cannot describe that feeling.

Okay, so back to the interaction thing...  as a Sensual Dominant I have formed connections with pets or potential pets that have cause heart ache, sadness and tears on My part.  I am human, I have feelings, and those feelings get hurt...

I recently was having a great online conversation with a twenty-something man.  We were bouncing ideas and thoughts off each other, discussing issues, getting right into the nitty-gritty and I was really enjoying it.  The first time he went a while without a reply I did a WTF, and he said he was just busy.  Then he just stops replying entirely. Stops. One week, two...a month later still no word, and no reply to "hey, are you dead?" posts. (I could see that he had been on the site numerous times.)  So I lost My temper and told him off.  Really, what kind of person just stops a conversation in the middle and never comes back? Its not a Dominant thing, its about respect for another human!  That is a bullshit way to handle interactions, I am sorry but that is just bullshit.  He seems to have gotten THAT message, since he blocked Me...

The bottom line of all of this ranting is that people need to understand that there is another human on the other end and respect and decency are not out of the question, even when you are dealing with something as wild as BDSM.  It's not hard to be good to one another.  It's not difficult to be real and decent and respectful to other people.  After all, these are the people that you could end up in an intimate relationship with, if you are very lucky.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

BDSM and intimacy (or put your dick in your pants and your heart on your sleeve)

I love the TV series "Bones." I like that the lead female (Temperance Brennan) is very intelligent and struggles with emotional intelligence and social graces - much the opposite of the typical TV female lead - but does so without being butch and/or macho. I also see a lot of myself in the lead male, FBI Special Agent Seeley Boothe. He is devoutly religious, after his own path, and he does what he does because he thinks the good guys should win, even though he knows they don't always. He also loves Dr. Brennan intensely, and would not hesitate to put his life on the line for her, and to kill for her protection when necessary. At the bottom of his rugged exterior, he is the ultimate romantic at heart.

One of my favorite episodes, the victim was involved in an alternate lifestyle. By the end of the episode, Boothe and Bones have delved into it just enough that Boothe feels sorry for the practitioners. When asked why, he says (I'm paraphrasing): "The whole point of that stuff is to make less of a person out of the person you are with. When you do that, you can't reach the place where sex unites two people and they become one for just a few moments."

This is, I believe, pretty much how the general public understands BDSM. After all, Dr. Freud insisted from the start that the whole reason a guy likes high heels, for example, is because he wants to bone his mom and the high heels makes it easier for him to deal with that desire. (I disagree with Freud on the degree to which parental attraction is both necessary and inevitable.) As long as psychiatry and psychology have been around, BDSM has been seen as a deviant activity that spoke of some hidden sickness within a person's psyche. Fortunately, the medical community is changing its mind about this, but it will take decades before the general public come around to that understanding.

In the beginning, none of us are experienced BDSM'ers. We have to get introduced to concepts and practices and come to some understanding of what our personal needs are, and how we can express those needs to someone else. If we are fortunate; then there is actually someone who cares about us to help us - or at least someone who cares that we don't get hurt while we are trying to figure things out. Until that general public perception of BDSM changes, however, a whole lot of people are only going to learn about things online. That means that there will be some common problems - some of which are nearly legendary among those of us who have been around a bit.

I think the source of a lot of problems is the oppositional nature of fantasy and intimacy (and I don't mean "sex" - that euphemism ignores the fact that sex can be anonymous). When a lot of guys first make contact with a woman who identifies as Dominant, all he has to guide his actions are way too much fantasy, and the porn that feeds it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with fantasies, or with porn. I've talked about porn before, so I won't rehash that, but I think fantasies are probably healthy - at least, to a point.

The submissive fantasies of men tend to run along these lines: A woman finds out that I am submissive and she immediately begins to force me to do all of the things I really want to do anyway. We fall in love and live happily every after. ZZZZZZZZZZ (because men fall asleep after their fantasies wrap up in the 0.04 seconds between orgasm and sleep). It's great for fantasy, but it's a pretty lame script to try to put into practice.

I understand that a lot of guys (not all), for a lot of reasons, are uncomfortable with their submissiveness. I've been there. Submissiveness is not generally considered a desirable attribute for adult males. So that desire gets hidden and only comes out in fantasy. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for a person to have a truly submissive fantasy. Submission, after all, requires that someone else be in charge, and the person fantasizing is in total control of the the focus falls on fetish wear and specific scenes and/or activities.

Then a guy sneaks down to the computer in the middle of the night and finds a site where Dominant Women are actually out there! Oh boy! Maybe she also likes guys who crossdress and eat fried green tomatoes. This is what he has been looking for! OH MY GOD! He flips out, summons all of his courage, and...

sends a photo of his cock? REALLY?!?!!

sends her an email promising his everlasting servitude? REALLY?!?!?!!!

Let me go on the record here as shooting straight from the hip - if one of you guys sends a cock pic to a woman and she gets excited enough to immediately enslave probably isn't a woman on the other end of the internet.

I spent six years in the Navy, living in open bay berthing where I showered with a hundred other guys (literally). I've seen a lot of cock. They aren't really that impressive. I mean - there was one guy who could unzip his fly and stick the head of his dick in his pocket and THAT was impressive, but other than that, it's just a dick. It wasn't like he could make it deal cards or anything.

What's the thought process here? She will see that one certain vein in your shaft and just KNOW that you are the one for her? Get a grip - on something other than your own shaft.

Look, I am a big fan of female genitalia. But if I got a steady stream of crotch shots that said, "You will worship this pussy or else!!" I would get a little tired of it. Well, maybe I wouldn't get tired of the pics - big fan, after all - but I would get tired of the attitude, and with a quickness that would make the Flash feel inadequate. I enjoy Dominant Women, in general, but that doesn't mean I want to actually serve every woman in the world. What if they all wanted coffee at once?  (All joking aside, I serve one and only one woman and she gives me everything I need... and crotch shots, are really not what I want or need....)

And about the immediate offers of eternal servitude? Permanent femdom relationships are the grand slam home-run and you haven't even dribbled one weakly into left field. You are asking for a RELATIONSHIP. If you are going to jump into a relationship with someone you don't know; then you are begging for a butt-load of problems. There is a reason why most people date before they get married, and everlasting servitude is something akin to offering marriage.

This is what happens when someone tries to impose fantasy on reality: You end up treating someone like garbage, because you are treating yourself like garbage. Fantasies - even really great ones - are disposable. When you come-on like a porn star, you are asking someone to be just as disposable as the tenth-last porn video you saw.

BDSM'ers talk about trust and safety in relation to a person's body, and with good reason. But to achieve intimacy, there has to be an understanding of trust and safety on an emotional level. It is not possible to be intimate with a person unless you are willing to reveal a piece of your self. Revealing that vulnerable self means opening yourself up to being hurt, rejected, or ridiculed.

Once that vulnerability is established, that piece of self has to be accepted and cherished. The trust has to be tested, and found to be well-placed. Such an experience is heart-warming, uplifting, and even enlightening.

The point I'm making is that it is both a wonderful thing to have and a scary thing to pursue. Fantasies aren't like that. Fantasies don't involve another person (other than as an object of fantasy). Fantasies involve no risk. Fantasies are safe and comfortable and wonderful. They stoke our ego, feed our ambition, and give us hope that something better is out there.

But fantasy isn't enough. Humans are, ultimately, herd animals and we need to be around others that are like us. We want to reveal ourselves and be accepted. We crave intimacy. That's what drives a guy to get up in the middle of the night and risk the happiness of his marriage by chasing wank fodder in the worst possible way. That has to change. It isn't fair to a whole generation of Dominant Women to ask them to simply put up with the rude, crude, and downright abusive behavior from submissive men just because we don't know how to move from fantasy to intimacy. It isn't fair to a whole generation of submissive men to keep them emotionally stupid and stunted just because they don't know how to reach beyond a fantasy and find intimacy.

I think two things need to happen.

First, men have to understand that the functional word in "Dominant Woman" is "WOMAN" - meaning a human being of the female sort. She has to take the same risks as you do, guys. If you aren't ready to move forward; then say something about it. You figure out what you are ready to do and be clear. It's okay to say you are scared. Women tend to understand things like that. Don't send a cock-shot until she asks for it (if she ever does). You wouldn't walk up to her in a bar and wave your dick to get her attention, so don't do it online. And, just like in real life, a one night stand is fine if that is what both people are after, but if you offer eternity and then run like a roach in the daylight, you are just being a dick.

Secondly, we need some way to change societal standards of BDSM as a pure fetishistic endeavor. We have to make sure that people understand that, odd as it may sound, spanking someone doesn't dehumanize them, but makes them more human. Tying someone up doesn't objectify them; it reveals them to us. Or whatever your particular way of relating to your partner might be - it gets you closer, not further away.  For all of its faults, Fifty Shades at least put BDSM - in a highly fantasized fashion - on the discussion table for the general public. Given the popularity of authors like Laurel Hamilton, there is a hunger out there for fiction that depicts strong women (who remain feminine, even when they kick ass) who enjoy being in control, and men who enjoy giving them that control.

As much as I love the character on Bones, he is wrong. Alternate lifestyles aren't wrong because they dehumanize and fetishize people, because sometimes - sometimes - they reveal a person's spirit and shower them in adoration and appreciation. I know that because I have experienced it. Submission helped me to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. It made me feel free to not pretend, even in the act of making love, to be something I wasn't. It made me realize who I really am, and it helped me love my Mistress. It is a path to true intimacy. It is a way to love. 

BDSM is a way for two people to experience each other in a way that their souls become one.

Together again... not soon enough

This coming Friday, Mistress and I will again be together. (to clarify, we had not split up! This weekend we will get some skin time, and yay!)

Just writing that gives me a little measure of peace. It seems like such a long time since I knelt before Her. So long since She ran Her fingers over my skin and directed me to give Her pleasure.

The old saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In polite terms, that is bullshit. Absence is like an aching hunger in the pit of your stomach that never quite goes away.

In a way, we are used to being apart, as that is all we have known. But it wears on us both. We are trapped, unable to take the next step because our back foot can't move forward.  Fortunately, we are taking - and not taking - steps together. We are still together and still in love and She still owns me completely. It's enough to get me through.

But, really, Friday cannot come quick enough.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

We are not lost...

Hello folks,

Yes it has been a very long time, many apologies again.  I am not a great blogger, apparently.  I will work on that...

We are back to tossing around some ideas for the blog and have not forgotten all of you.    We are still here, and will post again soon and also more regularly.  Thanks for your patience!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Just a leather circle...

Golden ring, with one tiny little stone
Shining ring, now at last it's found a home
By itself, it's just a cold metallic thing
Only love can make a golden wedding ring

The lyrics are from an old Tammy Wynette and George Jones duet that I grew up hearing. It's a beautiful song, full of poignance and love and heartbreak. Like all great poetry, it holds a bit of truth concerning the human condition - it is the emotion we attach to the symbols around us that give our world meaning.

My collar is simply a leather strap with a metal buckle and a couple of rings set into it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. It is just a thing, and there are innumerable other collars that are similar to it in every way. But there is one way in which it is different...

It is a collar that She had custom made to fit my neck. I knelt before Her and asked that it be fastened onto me as a symbol of my belonging to Her. When She buckled it on, it became a living symbol

I don't wear it on a daily basis - when we are apart, there is little reason for it, and a number of social customs would make wearing it openly taboo. But one of the first things that happens when we are together is that I kneel and offer it to Her, and She takes it and fastens it to my neck. There are times when we are apart that I wear it (like now), but they are private times and simply putting it on makes the seconds that tick by a bit more precious.

I have read diatribes from any number of people who claim that a collar is really meaningless, since it can be removed at any moment. This is the same line of reasoning that says that a submissive taking the title of "servant" or "slave" is meaningless because ownership of humans is legally prohibitive. But how many of these people would argue that a family name is meaningless, or a wedding ring, or a momento from their childhood or first love?

We do not live in a denotative world. Our world is inhabited by the connotative meaning of our passing through it. The objects in our lives are not set apart simply by their utility - try cleaning out a storage area and feel your heart thud and stand ajar when you uncover a photo or letter or knick-knack that <i>means</i> something.

It is not merely the objects around us that hold significance, but the way we handle them. In The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood that one way to undermine the faith of a human is to convince them that one need not kneel in supplication when they pray. After all, the words of the prayer mean that same no matter what position the body assumes. By removing the additional meaning of assuming a supplicant's position, C.S. Lewis writes that the prayer becomes "a superficial resemblance" of an actual spiritual practice and humans forget that "whatever their bodies do affects their souls."

So, whenever I am in Her company, I kneel before Her to accept the collar - renewing our commitment to each other by our actions. When I am not in Her company, I still get on my knees, and in my mind I picture Her fingers on the buckle. Every time it settles against my skin, it is a new promise of my surrender. It is a statement of my trust and of my love. When I kneel, I feel more submissive, and that makes me, in fact, more submissive and ready for Her control.

Only love can make a golden wedding ring. Only supplication yields true submission. Only surrender, born of love, can make a leather strap a collar.

Like the one I wear.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Later than late

Six weeks ago, this post would have been overdue. A month ago, it was late. So now it is too late to even be late.

I have excuses. I was sick. My children were sick. Other things needed my attention. But I cannot escape my responsibility for having not written. Time being linear, however, there is nothing to do but simply take up where I should never have left off.

Mistress spoke of taking care of each other, and I believe that is probably where real-life BDSM differs from its literary and video representations. It's easy to talk about humiliating someone (or being humiliated by someone) or to take and give beatings that end in bloodshed and severe injuries when the only thing that is actually spilled is ink (or pixels - even cheaper!). It is quite another thing when it is not a literary construct, but a breathing human being that is alone in a room with you.

Some of our struggles during the past few months have meant that many of the BDSM activities we enjoy have been sidelined. But what rose to take its place was the supportive and loving relationship that is necessary to sustain us for a lifetime. Of course, it has always been there. Or, at least, the promise of it has always been there. Like a fruit ripening from an early bloom, what we have has grown and matured.

This doesn't mean that we've lost our flair for kinkery. It just means that there is more than just kinkery. We are not cardboard cutouts, nor literary constructs. We are human beings who are learning how well we complement each other in life.

I think that speaks directly to the point Mistress was making about our limits having...let's say, expanded. This is simply a natural result of the greater connection we have been building. So long as we take care to tend this new growth, it is simply a promise of greater things to come, and is nothing to be feared. I think that once a person turns their back on trying to be what they should be and learns to simply be who they actually are, then growth, and the occasional surprise is inevitable. This is part of the reward of living an authentic life.

For a while, I have said that submission isn't what I do, but who I am. But it is not the sum total of who, or what, I am. Because I am not a literary construct, but a human being. I just happen to be a human being who is both male, and submissive, for the one I love.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Hunger and Curiousity

Hello you kinky or kink-curious folks,

The visit this weekend was side-lined by illness and other demands of life.  It sucks, big time.  So as I sit here, I start to wonder...  would the followers of this blog, which I have worked so hard to keep the wank fodder, kinky details and tales of wickedness out of...would those folks, or some of them, be interested in tales, real, imagined or a combination of the two?

So you tell me:  Do you hunger for details?  Would you enjoy stories? Do you read this blog in hopes of getting a little tingle from time to time?

Lets see what the people say.  I am asking, because I am horny as hell, having missed my weekend and because both tomio and I do erotic writing from time to time.

Would a side of wickedness be appreciated or scorned?  Hmmmm?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Its been a while since we posted, and I am sorry.  Life has once again imposed on Us and honestly with the holidays, families and other commitments, We have been swamped.

This post I want to talk about a number of things and perhaps one will spark into something bigger.

The first thing is taking care of one another.  Folks know that tomio and I currently live apart, but that our days are very connected.  We talk multiple times a day, cam when We can and text back and forth all day.  Since our budgets currently allow Us just a weekend a month, a lot of "life" happens in between.  We have both been sick on and off, and that is difficult.  As caring people it is hard too be away from your loved one when they are sick!  All I can do it offer remedies, recipes and advice.  The only good thing is that we are able to prevent the other from getting sick...because the physical contact is obviously limited.  LOL.

I have a very stressful job and it takes a lot out of Me.  When We are able to bring our lives together later on, it will be easier to unwind and de-stress.  But how do We do it now?  We have a very loving and connected relationship so we send each other as much sweetness as we can, and then we use some of our online time to connect in silly ways... we play online games.  These are not online sex games, please.  We play things like Scrabble where we can chat and also challenge each other mentally. We have also played a very dirty version of Scrabble when we are together (waggles eyebrows)...I am going to leave most of that to you, but will say it involves Me doing various naughty things to him, in a very unfair attempt to distract him.  (grins) But honestly the thing that he does on a daily basis, that feeds my soul and makes me feel loved, is he sings to me.  He has a few silly songs, but the ones that I love are Love Songs.  His voice is sort of Johnny Cash-esque, and I love it when he professes his love in musical form.  The singing is something that has gone on since the very beginning of our relationship. He sang to Me very early on, and made a lovely video of him singing Our song.  "Our song" is something private that he sings to me every night before sleep, and it means so very much to Me.   My point is that in trying to find Our happily ever after, we do things that are important to Us, and things that may not seem like much to an outsider, but is everything to Us.  I think happiness is made up of those little bits of inside magic.

Speaking of relationships, yesterday was Our TWO YEAR anniversary! YEY FOR US! Two years ago yesterday I put a custom made collar around his neck and claimed him as My own.  So much has happened, and we have learned so much about Ourselves and each other.  We have pushed the envelope in directions that we never thought it would go, and we have created a wonderful love that makes Us both whole.  Thank you, My love, My pet, for all you have given me!

Another thing that I would like to talk about again, but hopefully with a new twist is the exploration of boundaries a.k.a Limits.  When we got together, we had both agreed on a set of matching boundaries.  It was a list of things We both liked and things We did not.    Since our hungers matched perfectly we proceeded with our relationship.  Over time we got very comfortable with each other and in our talk about fantasies and interests We agreed to try a few new things from time to time.  We have explored many areas and found new fun stuff and stuff that was just ok.  There have been a few new things that are nothing great, so why bother and a few new things We loved.  One of the places where We have expanded our interest is more pain.  We are still a sensual, loving couple.  To see Us in public, you would never suspect that We are kinky as hell in private.  (I like it that way!)  But we have both found that we could push the pain envelope just a bit farther than either of Us thought We would...and We liked it!

I am sure that the "old guard" bullshit would still say We are fluff.  My attitude about that has not changed.  I did not invite anyone else into My fun, so I don't care what they think.  My point is that over time with comfort, intense trust and connection, boundaries CAN change.  Its a good thing to know what you like now, but just be aware that it could stretch in the future.

My former pet, the pain whore, is still a friend of Mine.  He was very surprised to learn that things had changed so much for Me.  As I thought about it I had to be honest, if he came back, I still don't think that things would change as much with him... because we do not have the trust and connection that My tomio and I share.  I could not be the Mistress I am to tomio, with anyone else.I just can't imagine it.  It took time to get where We are...

Well, I am going to wrap it up for now.  I hope that life settles the fuck down a bit, so I can write more, share more and just get in touch with My bad self.  God I love My bad self!  LOL   Ta-ta for now!  (rolls eyes)