For the love

For the love

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Orgasm control from the Top

Orgasm Control is an interesting topic, as is "leading from below..."

A bit of background on this one is needed. PM (Pre-Mistress)My sweetness had developed a bit of a porn habit. And one of the thing that can happen when one develops such a habit is that your body begins to really like what YOU do when you do it, and forgets how to like the other things it can experience. Basically your cock and your hand become rather close friends... (he is no longer allowed to watch any porn, or to touch himself unless I tell him to)

This was the case with My love. Along with intermittent ED issues (google it! LMAO)We found that it was somewhat difficult to get him to respond the way I wanted him to respond. Now I do need to say, because it is important that it is known. The ED issues DO NOT bother Me at all. If he can't, he can't and there are only about 10,000 other ways to enjoy him. But when he CAN, but he can't cum when I want him to, because of the cock-hand-friendship thing (grins)... THAT is a problem. So We decided that it was time to retrain him. If he did not react the way I wanted, and was not able to cum when I want, then he does not get to.

The challenge is that since We are not yet living together (circumstances currently beyond our control, but not forever!) that means there are times when he has to go for a while, and it also that takes away one of the fun things We used to be able to do by phone and webcam. We do get together about twice a month (its never enough) and We are working our way towards being together all the time. Those times are always wonderful, but it means there is a lot of time apart, which is never easy.

Our "private phone time" was never an easy thing, because he is the father of young children and We will NEVER slip and let them see or hear anything inappropriate, and the lack of privacy leaves us limited times. But We have always found ways around it. So then We get to the point where he is not allowed to cum without Me... well for someone who PM (see above, LOL) used to cum daily, its a sacrifice.

The fact that We are not together always means that My sweetness (he's such a good boy!) often looks for extra ways he can surrender to Me from afar. He was so excited about the concept of retraining that he was going on and on and on about it. Begging Me to make him wait, make him suffer, over and over again. I understand that this is a big sacrifice for him , and the fact that it is a big sacrifice makes him very excited. But it got to the point where it was just TOO much to listen to anymore. So I scolded him.

Now here is the thing. Being excited about activities or lack there of, is great, but the excitement and begging got to the point where it stopped feeling like begging and felt more like an attempt to guide the "plan." THIS is a big No No. Since Tomio and I have a power release relationship, he does not get to guide the plan in any way. I am gentle and loving but I absolutely will not tolerate leading from below, even when it is done accidentally. So in scolding him, I told him that I did not want to hear another word about, because IF I decided I wanted to hear him cum, I was going to and it did not matter if he was waiting or not.

This made him very quiet and later very apologetic. But he stopped yammering about it, which was good. Then We had some unexpected phone play time... it was My intention to just play and leave him hungry. But... was going so well and he was making the most lovely noises and the whim hit. I made him finish. Bad Mistress. HA! It is possible that a small part of it was done in spite of all the begging. It was not My intention. The bottom line remains that I am in charge. So it is what it is.

The best part is that his hunger was not gone for long! YAY! Now if only we can get thru til the next time. Sigh. I hate it when life is out of MY control.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The struggle to remain at the bottom

A while back, Mistress Delila and I identified a trend: The longer I go without seeing Her, the less loving and more stereotypical my daydreams and fantasies of Her become. The reason, at least as I can see it, is that it is actually impossible for a person to fantasize (an action in which we are entirely in control) and be without any control of the situation. One cannot be both submissive AND in total control of the situation, so fantasies of submission cannot actually be an exercise of submission.

As a corollary of this (call it Tomio's Law...yes, I'm THAT humble), it is difficult for a grown man to, constantly and without failing, be powerless. If for no other reason; then because I actually have to utilize personal agency on a daily basis. For example, when I go to work, I cannot wait for a directive for every single action. Even when She and I are together, She expects me to exercise my judgment on somethings (I think it would get VERY tiring to have to give me permission for everything).

So this brings me to something that is an ongoing issue (at this time, anyway). I have had trouble achieving orgasm when Mistress strokes me, so She made the decision that I will not be able to have an orgasm on my own. Not only am I fine with this, it is actually something that I have wanted for a long time. I've discovered that, while physically enjoyable, having an orgasm without Her being present is not emotionally satisfying and feels...well, it feels wrong.

I enjoy the feeling of being controlled, and the fact that I am now hungry for release continually (and that it is connected now to Her touch...swoon) reminds me nearly constantly that I am owned. Which I love. It is, literally, a dream come true for me.

The problem is this: Some friends of mine are coming in from out of town, so our next visit is being postponed. Instead of going two weeks, it will now be almost exactly a month. Again, I'm fine with this. I'm reasonably sure I can make it without any sort of...involuntary issue.

Where this becomes a problem is that I really want to make sure that Mistress makes me wait. Which, in effect, means that I want to control this. It isn't easy to let go of control when something you really crave is tossed into your lap. The paradox is that the more I try to control it, the less likely it is to happen. Since it is often on my mind, I find myself bringing it up with Mistress when we talk. This, in effect, is also trying to influence Her, and therefore control Her.

Yesterday She scolded me for this, and rightfully so. This constant yammering about it is not remaining submissive and accepting of Her decisions. I even questioned whether I am writing this because I would like to get further input and conversation on this as a larger issue or whether it, too, is an underhanded way to try and push Her. Ultimately, since self-deception can't be dispelled on one's own, I don't really know.

So I have this struggle to remain submissive...I want Her to know how much of a gift every single day of hunger is for me. I want Her to know that I am grateful and thankful and hopeful...and to do all of this without trying to push one way or the other. I need this to be entirely Her decision (and I know it will be).

I think I must simply trust Her. There is nothing here that will be a surprise to Her. She knows how I feel and She knows how important this is to me. I normally do not struggle with remaining silent and following Her just seems odd that the place I struggle with most is the place where I get what I actually want.
(Note: This post was reviewed by, approved by, and POSTED BY Mistress Delila)