For the love

For the love

Saturday, July 28, 2012

50 shades of "you have got to be kidding!"

OK so I gave in to the hype of 50 shades.  I started reading it, hopeful that the fervor over it would help bring BDSM out of the shadows, stop the freak label that we carry and help mainstream the kink.   I mean with everyone going nuts for the books, it could happen... right?   I will admit that it was a lofty expectation. BUT ARE  YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? (calms self)

Firstly, these books appear to be written by someone who googled kink. There are a few buzz words and a a lot of BDSM for dummies sort of explanations. "The purpose of the butt plug is to...blah blah blah." But this is not written by someone who understands KINK...or life, or interactions, or how to write...

Ok, not only is the plot weak (he is a self made gazillionaire at 27 yrs old, and she is a pain in the ass)-- but the kink is so stereo-typical that it just feeds all the crap and fear about BDSM...


Problem 1)  His interest in BDSM and Sadism is based on his physical and sexual abuse as a child/ young man.  This is bullshit.  It is a long standing myth that only damaged freaks engage in BDSM.  That is simply not the truth. Interest in bondage and kinky sex is not due to abuse or mental illness.  I have never been abused in My life, and I am a normal person.  On the street, you would notice Me as a well-dressed, put-together woman with a warm smile.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing about Me that says "freak train"... honestly!  LOL

Problem 2) He wants her to sign a contract about the BDSM activities. These things include never sleeping in his bed, not looking him in the eyes, not touching him without consent and so on.  This contract is firstly, not legally binding, and is basically giving him permission to treat her like an object and giving her nothing. While I will admit there are SOME in the BDSM world that want that on both sides (sighs) that is NOT the reality of most relationships of the D/s nature.  If you are reading this, then you know that I am a Sensual Dominant. I do not play with "objects."  If I wanted THAT, I would buy more damned batteries!  She does not sign the contract because she wants more...which is one of only two or three good things about the book! We'll talk about "more" in a minute.

Problem 3) The writer sees and therefore portrays many of his kinky habits as punishment.  I guess this makes sense for a character who is perpetually pissed off.  For someone with a gazillion dollars, he spends an awful lot of time being pissed off....  but he uses the spanking, binding, orgasm denial, teasing and toys as punishment for he many trivial and irritating mistakes.  Someplace in the books (they all blur into one big annoyance for me) she falls asleep on the beach and when she accidentally rolls over, her top falls off and he flips out about her showing her boobs to the public.  He punishes her with kinky sex with handcuffs and while she is writhing around, not only does she bruise the shit out of her ankles and wrists, but he puts bite makes and hickeys all over her chest so that she is forced to wear long sleeve and long skirts for the rest of the vacation!  Are you kidding Me??  At another point he has to stop himself from "beating the shit out of her."  Um ok.. that is not BDSM, that is ABUSE.  Plain and simple, causing intentional damage to the body, and beating the shit out of someone is abusive.  If he had not been trying to injure her, then he could easily have used padded cuffs or shackles for the same kinky effect without the injuries.  As I have said, sweetness and I tried the handcuffs, but they hurt his big thick (drool-ably manly) wrists and shoulder.  So we stopped, and switched back to fabric!  Easy enough!   And spanking, for someone who likes it, is FUN.  Its not done as punishment, but instead as part of the play.  He ENJOYS the riding crop against his skin.  He is not a pain whore, it just works for him!  He can talk more about that himself...

Problem 4) The kinky sex scenes are lame.   Firstly, they have sex like 10 times a day.  Both would be dehydrated at the very least...  but then again the sex seems only to last a few minutes.  There are a few scenes that are so vague that I could not even tell what was going into where and how...  Each scene includes him saying "I want you now",  doing a wetness test on her and declaring her good and ready (rolls eyes), mention of some sort of sex toy:  This is a (name some toy) and it is used for (some lame internet description of the activity.)  Yawn.  Shortly after that, she "explodes into a million pieces under him" then he yells OH ANA as he finds his release.  (blinks)  um that's it??  Really??  Shit, if I wanted 3 min sex, I could have stayed with My ex!   LOL!  One of the few things I do like about the books is his use of the term "Kinky Fuckery!"  I love love love that term and now I use it often. As someone who truly enjoys kinky fuckery, (acts involved in and relating to the kink) I can tell you that 3 mins is simply not the way it works!   While I am not willing to use this page as wank fonder  (looks up as several readers run out of the blog space. Bye now! LOL) I can honestly tell you that the kinky fuckery starts as Item A, rolls into Activity B, tap dances into C, D, E and F and somewhere around G or H one or both of us collapse into a sweaty, exhausted heap, out of breath and grinning like the Cheshire Cat....  MMM god I love Our kinky fuckery!  LMAO 

Problem 5) Mr 50 shades started as a submissive, then became a dominant and his Mistress became his submissive, and during a time of great stress, Mr powerful collapses back into a submissive.  Again, another Myth.  Not everyone in the kink world is a Switch (someone who is both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner and the play)--  It IS true the some try both sides. It is My personal opinion that folks who "play" might switch for fun.  By this I am referring to those who are "tops" or "bottoms" in casual play but those who live it tend to be either submissive OR Dominant.  I am not, nor will I ever imply that there is only ONE WAY.. that is crap, there are a lot of ways, but not everyone is a switch!  I tried to be a switch back in the beginning and I absolutely fucking hated it!  HATED IT. Did I mention that I hated it? It actually made me be violent.   I am simply not made to be submissive.  The very best I can manage is  vague indifference. Sigh.  Its just the way I am wired, and I am not alone.  

Problem 6)  He decides he wants to have "more" too.  In a matter of months her love cures him of his sadistic nature, his crazy former submissive is cured of her psychotic break and is normal again, and he becomes a happy healthy normal sort of guy who is less of a control freak and life is all just wonderful. 
I admit that love is pretty awesome and amazing, it heals the heart and soul to some extent. However, mental illness, early childhood abuse, and controlling nature does not just go away with love, with therapy, with drugs...  those things just don't go away.  For people with real issues, suggesting that love will fix it all is cruel and unfair.  Love is wonderful, but it does not fix everything. And Kinkiness is not something to be cured of! In the end of the books, they settled on something sort of like what I have with My sweetness.  A loving form of Kinkey Fuckery, and a loving relationship.  That part is good.  

Problem 7)  This one might actually be closer to the top of My list...  Two scenes in the book regarding safe words make me crazy.  In one scene, the FIRST heavy kink scene, he is spanking her and she is freaking out and he keeps going.  She is too freaked out to remember to use the safe word and he is too self absorbed to see it until its too late.  Another scene he loses control and she does use the safe word and he freaks out because he went too far and pushed her beyond her limit. I have said before that I don't like safe words. Let me explain why.  I have never had a casual play relationship.  I  have known my partners and because I am a responsible Dominant, I communicate and I check in,  I watch his face, I listen to his noises and I actually ask him, are you ok? Doing alright? need a break? need some water?  We will never reach a point of needing a safe word because I am tuned in to him and I keep myself in control.  Losing control when you are the controlling party is dangerous.  If you feel guilty because your submissive used a safe word, then you know you were not paying attention.  Control means control of self as well, not leaving it up to the submissive to tell you when you have gone too far. Human beings react to extremes in different ways.  Some shut down, and someone who shuts down will  not be able to use a safe word and may not be able to even say stop!  The dominant has to remain in control for the safety of everyone involved.  The only time My sweetness has ever said stop was due to muscle cramps that had nothing to do with My actions.  Leg cramps, hip cramps and gas pains have stopped us, but it has never been stopped because I had gone too far.  In fact, on several occasion he was sick and I knew he was not OK before he did.  I am tuned in to him and his needs and his boundaries so we don't have safe words.

Enough numbers!  There are a lot of things wrong with these books, mostly stereotypes, lack of truthful information, lack of understanding about the interactions and reactions in BDSM, and a general sense of unreality.    Sigh, I had such high hopes for the books and they crashed and burned for me. The very best I can hope for is for some people to get a slight tingle from the kink and a very slight loosening of "moral standards."  Its a bonus that the church will flip over these books! (EVIL GRIN) Its true, she is making a ton of money off of them.  I honestly can't understand why.

I am not sure the world is ready for a truthful book about Kinky Fuckery... or are they?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Try the direct route

I love 95% of this post. Right up to the point where the author writes:
No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…

I'll cut some slack for the author admitting that She is new to BDSM, and that She came to it through watching porn. But I find this conclusion to be rather offensive, and I'm pretty sure if She tries it this way, She is going to end up frustrated and hurt.

First of all, with the "fly under the radar" of the cornerstones of having a healthy relationship of any kind is "informed consent." Failure to have that consent means the relationship is built on manipulation and lies. In my experience, relationships that strive for honesty will still encounter enough problems without planning a huge deception from the beginning.

Think about an alternate scenario: A woman is writing about wanting a big family and says, "It doesn't matter if he wants kids or not. I'll fly under the radar and he can either have sex with me and raise the kids I want or he can not have sex...and we all know how that will work out!" Would that sound flirty and confident or deranged and manipulative? No one in their right mind would encourage her to "fly under the radar" with such an important aspect of a relationship.

Well, that goes double for BDSM. If someone is going to tie me up, blindfold me, and otherwise render me helpless; then I have to be confident that I'm not going to suddenly be forced into uncharted territory with no way to communicate. There can be no doubt about whether the Dominant is honest about their desires and how they are going to fulfill them. What if She decides that the dildo went in so easy that She's going to cram Her whole fist up there? If I can't trust that I know the answer to that; then I'm not going to get immobilized in the first place.

Secondly, there's the idea that She wants "a strong man" who has never thought about submission. If She had any idea how offensive that comment is; then I doubt She'd have written it. It's as if She is believes that a man loses his strength when he even thinks about submission. What about those of us who live it as our normal lives? Are we spineless jellyfish? What does She mean by "strong" anyway?

Mistress Delila does not (usually) restrain me when She wants to enjoy hurting me. I lay there, holding my body open and vulnerable so She can take Her pleasure. It isn't something any weakling would consider. Plus, in a society that holds submission to be antithesis to masculinity, any guy who steps out and openly proclaims his submissiveness is showing a hell of a lot of strength of character. His biceps aren't big enough? Combine push-ups and cunnilingus and make them bigger.

Strength occurs independently of submissive desires. I understand that the author is simply expressing Her desires - but to the extent that it reinforces the perception of submissive men as being weak, it needs to be called out. At the very least, She needs to be a bit more specific about what She is wanting - something that is hard to do while flying under the radar.

Then there's, "I'll even make him think it's all his idea..." Why? For the sake of all the fucking in Heaven, why? If the idea is to be DOMINANT; then why would She want to start by forfeiting even the idea that She wants to be Dominant? Speaking as a submissive man, I don't want a woman I have to CONVINCE to Dominate me. I want (and have) a woman who will listen carefully to what I want and need, ask questions to clarify any murky areas, explain what She is looking for, and then submerge me within Her will.

Periodically, I see posts that ask, "How can I get my vanilla SO to be kinky?" The answer is: You can't. Either they are, or they aren't. Now, there is a possibility that they are kinky and are unaware of it, but that isn't the same as not being kinky. Exactly how does one segue from man-on-top, penis-in-vagina to woman-on-top, whipping-his-ass-and-plowing-a-strapon without the other person knowing it is happening? Short of date-rape drugs and heavy sedation - both of which are morally reprehensible - it isn't possible. Get it out of your head!

The way to find out if someone is kinky - even if you've been married for fifty years - is to sit down and talk with them. It's something that no one can fly under the radar with. Trying to do so only leads to hurt feelings and heartbreak.

Moving back up the post, the author writes:
I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours.
Most Dominant women don't fit the "Dominatrix" model as found in porn, just as most submissive men don't fit the "slave" model found there. The good news is that, when you are open and honest about what you want, you are free to forge your own path. Instead of having him on all fours, make him stand up to fold the laundry - make him stand up naked while wearing a gigantic butt plug if that's what both of you like. Or just keep it in the bedroom. Whatever floats your boat is what you should be looking for.

As far as how to talk to's easy, but scary. Take a deep breath, look them in the eye, and say, "I am really looking for a man/woman/something that is willing to do this________. How do you feel about that?"

Don't let the websites scare You. There are all kinds of dating sites filled with people who want to be married or just to hook up for a night. But that doesn't mean it is impossible to find someone in between those extremes.

I'll close with this hard-learned bit of advice: You will never find what you want by accepting something you don't want. You will only hurt people by accepting what you don't want in the hopes that it will turn into what you do want.