For the love

For the love

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Submission and limits

I'm having trouble writing this because I want to make it intellectual enough that I'm not emotionally invested in it. The reason I want to do that is that I've had this discussion before and have been browbeaten with stupidity over it. Some of it is honest concern that simply gets overwrought, but some of it is just argumentative for no good reason. I can handle that when it's an intellectual and theoretical discussion (in fact, I enjoy it). But when it is about my life and the way I express my love for Mistress Delila...I don't always respond well to being told that it is wrong.

I believe that I am a decent and moral person. Because I am a decent and moral person, there are things that I simply could not do. I could not, for example, kill and eat a person (see also: Donner Party for a possible exception...if I got trapped in a time vortex). In BDSM terms, that's a "hard limit" for me (...and if it isn't a hard limit for you, stop reading and call your nearest psych-hotline). It's something I absolutely positively could not, would not do (I feel compelled to say, "Sam I am!").

Before Mistress and I formalized our relationship, we spent a lot of time comparing things that we needed in a BDSM relationship. We talked about what we fantasized about. We talked about things that kind of sound erotic but we aren't sure we want to do. We talked about things that we would be willing to do for someone else, but that really doesn't do much for us. And we talked about things we would never want to be associated killing and eating someone (actually, I don't know if we discussed that in particular, but we are in agreement on it).

Even after She put a collar on my neck and claimed me as Her pet, I didn't fully submit to Her. It took time and patience for Her to gain my full confidence. When She had proven to me that She could be trusted and I was not going to be hurt (in a non-yummy kind of way), when I was sure that our limits were in full alignment and fully compatible, I looked up at Her and said, "I surrender." And I did. Completely.

She has complete authority over every arena of my life. This is not to say that I have no voice in our relationship, though. She is very willing to suspend judgment and listen to my thoughts, my feelings, whatever arguments I may want to present. But then She makes the decision, and I abide by it.

When I have said this previously, there are generally three spurious arguments that come up. First, that I cannot actually surrender completely and still have limits. Second, that it is impossible to surrender completely because slavery is illegal. Third, because She cannot force me to stay in this relationship against my will, then it is only play.

Picture me releasing a heavy sigh.

For the third argument, let me just say that having power to end a relationship and walk away - which I will always have - is not the same as having any power within a relationship. Think of it as being analogous to being at work. You always have the option of walking out the door unemployed. Does that make you feel any more powerful? No, not really. Because it does give you any control over what happens between the time you clock in and the time you clock out. The same is true within my relationship with Mistress Delila - the fact that I can end it does not give me power within it.

Of course, slavery is illegal in the United States. It still exists, though. But the specter of legal slavery (which is enforced servitude without consent that denies full legal status to the servant) has as much place in a discussion of consensual power release (voluntary servitude with consent and retention of legal status) as rape and sexual battery has in a discussion of should serve as an outlier warning that anyone who equates the two is being psychotic. Generally speaking, if a person can't give some idea of how they are different; then they shouldn't be engaged in them.

Finally, I would argue that a person MUST have limits to surrender. Actually, I would argue that a person must have limits to be a person. Even people who were slaves under legal systems that allowed extreme injustice had limits beyond which they could not be pushed - so they escaped, led slave revolts, or died trying. It just isn't possible to have no limits. I am fortunate enough to have found a woman whose limits are exceptionally compatible with mine. Because that is true, I can submit without fear of being abused or injured.

To ask what would happen if She violated my limits is to ask what would happen if She suddenly became someone else. It is just on the inside limit of the possible...but it would be an indication of some sort of medical issue, like a brain tumor or an aneurysm. Because I happen to love Her, I would insist on medical review in such cases, and possibly a mental health checkup.

Within our relationship, She is in control. This is what She wants and what I want. It isn't theoretical, and it isn't playing. It is the way we love each other.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Learning about LIMITS

There have been many discussion on many boards about "Hard Limits." By Hard Limits, I mean things that you simply WILL NOT do, no matter what. For Me these things include but are not limited to children, animals, golden showers, feces, corpses, rape play... then there are some soft limits, meaning things that I just have no interest in: Blood play, brutality... blah blah blah.

We have been involved in many discussions with each other and with others in the kink community. Many of the latter end up along the lines of "how can one submit ENTIRELY, but have hard limits?" Some of these discussions have gotten "deep" and other downright ridiculous. (We'll discuss that in a minute.)

The bottom line, for Us is the fact that We SHARE hard limits. When looking for a partner in this lifestyle this is critical! We had many discussions in the beginning about such things. If you end up in a situation where there is a conflict on limits, then you are bound to have very big problems...

The "others" launched into the deeply "Philosophical" things as "But what IF her hard limits change, would you still obey her?" UUMM hello? What if My hard limits CHANGE?? You mean what if I suddenly want corpses and shit in bed with us??? ARE YOU NUTS?? If I did that, My love would immediately have Me checked for signs of a stroke!

Yes it is true, people change. Sometimes they change a lot. But I do not believe HARD LIMITS change. There will never never never be a point at which My hard limits will change. NEVER.

Sometimes Soft Limits DO change. At one point I did not have any interest in needle play. We talked about it, I had a dream about it, and decided to try it. It was interesting, but not likely to be a staple of My play... But hard limits do not change. Sometimes We, as curious sensual beings,try to push our soft limits for the thrill of it. With a former pet I had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted. He was into the brutality, truly gut wrenching stuff. I could have done anything. I went into the scene with the belief that I was going to try the brutal stuff, get down and nasty and see how it felt. The bottom line is that I am and will always be ME, first and foremost. I was not able to do the brutal stuff, and it made Me uncomfortable (as the Dominant) to have him hinting and gesturing, offering unwanted ideas... It was not Me, and while I had a decent time, I did not get the normal thrill. All I wanted was a shower, and to be back with My loving tomio. (for those that do not know, there was a time when I was a "poly"-- I had multiple pets, long distance and local.) The moral of this paragraph: for the people who say, "Well, if only you tried it, you might like it." I say, Bullshit. It's not Me and the thrill was simply not there.

My tomio has said he would do anything for Me. But the reason he is safe to say that, is that he knows My hard limits and knows I will never push against those limits. Again, this is not because I can't, but because I will never violate MY OWN HARD LIMITS. Its not difficult to understand, but it gets dirty and twisted when people get wrapped up in the WHAT IFs. In this case there are no what ifs. My tomio is safe with Me, because We share the same hard limits. We talk, communicate, share. Communication is KEY.

I have encountered many submissives who claim that they have no limits, they are open to anything. In My opinion, those people are either mentally ill, or truly not aware that some people are into some things that are truly immoral, illegal or very dangerous. You have to have hard limits, and you need to find a partner who shares those limits. Only then will you be truly safe to let go, release yourself and be entirely submissive.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

37,843,200 heartbeats...approximately

My heart rate averages around 72 beats per minute. Probably less when I'm sleeping, a little more when I'm exerting myself. In the last 365 days, at that rate, it has beaten somewhere around thirty-eight million times. That is significant to me, because it was a year ago that I first met Mistress Delila.

A heartbeat is a rather short measure of time. In the time it takes to read this, your heart will beat several times. In terms of our lifetime, a heartbeat is simply too short of a time to notice. Besides, what would happen in the space of a single heartbeat?

I fell in love. I don't know exactly which heartbeat it was. I can look back and see that I was not in love at one point. Then at another point, I was. I can't even remember what day it was. I don't know what I was wearing or where I was. I don't know if it was a gradual building up to a critical point, or if it just happened all at once. I just know that it happened. I'm thankful for that.

I guess it could be said that a life is like a book, and a passing year is just another chapter. The heartbeats are the words on the page. There were a lot of firsts spelled out in those heartbeats. First time I saw her. First time we touched. First kiss. The first time She buckled a collar on my throat. The first time I saw in Her eyes how badly I could hurt Her with my carelessness.

So many of those firsts were wonderful, joyous occasions. A few were downright painful. But each and every one of them is linked, heartbeat by heartbeat, from last year to this. Some of those heartbeats became memories, and some of them I've already shared. Some I probably never will. They are my treasure, and I will guard them jealously.

So the heartbeats continue, spelling out the words of our lives across time. This year promises its own challenges, its own rewards. There will be one extra day - 103,680 heartbeats or so - to love Her. Just for that, I know it will be a great year.

Happy Anniversary, Mistress Delila, my Darling Domme. I adore You.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year! A look the Beginning...

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY I was hung over, and unhappy. I was cruising some social websites, looking through random posts. I still can't explain how or even where I found it, but I found a very sweet post from tomio. He had posted about his loneliness, and the frustration of his life. He was in pain (not the fun kind) and I reached out to him. I don't know why I replied to it... It was just a simple reply, offering a bit of comfort, with no intentions, no agenda, no hidden meanings. Just a gentle hand, extended to a fellow suffering soul. His reply to Me was a simple "Thank you for your kindess, and wishing you the happiest of all new years." That reply started it all.... Happy Anniversary My love.

So several have asked how it started... and since I love to tell a story, I thought I would take a crack at this one! hehe

First, I was raised by a very opinionated and hard-headed mother. While she could, and still can, be a bit challenging, she is also extremely loving. So the hard and the soft have always been part of My life.

A few years back I had reached the point where I was pretending to be a happy person, but was really miserable. I was unfulfilled in My marriage, had gained weigh, stopped wearing makeup and let My curly hair grow just long enough to put it up in a no-fuss twist. My wardrobe was frumpy and I was ok with that. While I never hit a clinical depression, I was finding joy in doughnuts and cookies, rather than in life.

Instead of withering and dying, I decided to reconnect in social circles. Some online friends were getting together about an hour from Me, so I decided to go. It was fun, we danced and laughed and talked. Part way thru the evening, one of the men, a tall, rough-looking guy with long curly hair, leaned over and whispered in My ear. "You would look great with a collar on! Ever been spanked?" I laughed until I nearly fell out of My chair. I certainly would never have allowed anyone to spank Me, and was sure as hell not going to be someone's puppy! So the evening finished, and I went back to My boring life.

Online he, We'll call him "J", started sending Me bondage pics, challenging Me, and I fought back every step of the way. If he sent a pic of a female tied to the bed, I replied with a pic of a male tied to a bed... this went on for nearly 6 months. Now Mind you, I enjoyed the banter, but had never been even slightly kinky. I began talking to J on the phone, and chatting online, and playing online games with him, and he made a proposal. If I would be his submissive for a week, he would be My submissive for a week. I mulled it for a while, and agreed to try it for a week, Long distance only (he lives about 4hrs away).. by phone email and text, but I wanted to be Dominant first. We set a framework and I took control. It was AMAZING! I felt powerful, mighty and it just felt right! I made him cut off his ugly braided beard and I felt like queen of the world! LOL At one point he was directing from below (because he was experienced and I was not) and I stopped him. "I will do what I will do and you will stop giving Me instructions!" I punished him by making him paint his toenails pink and send Me a pic on the local newspaper! From there I was hooked! Then...then it was My turn to be submissive. (winces) I bought myself a collar (purple with stripes!) and started to do as I was told... sort of. When he chose My clothes, I put them on, took a pic, then put on whatever the hell I wanted, the same with the hairstyle. I told him that I could not send mid-day pics because it cost too much to send pics from My phone. I spent a lot of time the first day snarling quietly and rebelling in My own quiet ways. I found Myself getting angrier and angrier until the end of the second day. He barked an order at Me and I snapped. I told him that if he tried to talk to Me like that one more time that I was going to cut off his balls and feed them to him! I told him to go fuck himself and hung up on him.

An hour later I got a text asking if We could talk. At that point he admitted that some people are not made to be submissive, and he agreed that if I would finish a modified version of My week (way less of everything) that he would consider serving Me more permanently! My week ended up being more writing stories about being submissive, than actually BEING submissive. J served Me on and off for nearly 3 years. We did meet in person a couple times, had some great fun, but he kept needing to go back to his Dom side, and since I would not switch, things got ugly. In the mean time I took on another submissive (this really pissed off J) and tried to find Myself as a Dominant. During the experimental period, I did a lot of online, phone and cam "Domming"...more getting My feet wet (among other things! LOL) I had a some personal meetings, but nothing serious.

I had a few very bad experiences with in-person meetings (another topic for another time) and I took on a younger Sensual Dominant Male as a student. He became a treasured friend and confidant. (He is now living with his caitie(pet) and the two of them are very happy.)

I finally decided that I needed to find another serious pet. Things with J had gone from bad to worse, I was tired of his games, and though the Long Distance thing was sort of fun,I just needed MORE. I needed to get back into the flesh contact, feed-My-soul sort of relationship. My student, told Me about a few social networks. I was skeptical (yes, I know, shocking! LOL) but joined a few groups, chatted, posted, and made some friends. I also made contact with a few local submissives. MOST of them were jokes. Many of them were what I refer to as "new age submissives"-- they want to have a high level of control over the relationship and do not like the respect protocol that is mandatory in My life. Neither of these things work for Me, at all. I got annoyed and eventually just plain disgusted. I was ready to hang up My boots and go back to My dull vanilla life. Vanilla life was boring, but I did not want to rip off someone's arm and beat them with it! (sigh)

Then it happened. The door was opened. Over the next few weeks We emailed, chatted, talked on the phone. Both testing the waters, both being cautious, neither daring to be hopeful. But neither was able to deny the connection that was both enthralling and terrifying. We met on Jan 21st. I collared him with My dear friend MJ as a witness by webcam.

When I read it, now, it sounds like it all happened very fast. It did not feel that way at the time. We talked extensively, every single day, several times a day. We shared info, compared kinks, compared "hard limits" and discussed the nitty gritty of needs and expectations.

WOW it sounds so crazy... but the truth is that We would never have met in person if We had just let life happen. He lives 3 hours away, We moved in different circles, neither of Us had attended "BDSM events" and neither had plans to attend any.

So a year into it, We both finally feel like our true selves. We have grown together and are strong because if it. He is My property, and My love. Happy anniversary My sweetness!

My New Year's Resolution is to keep up with the blog! Happy New Year to the kinky and the curious! hehe!