For the love

For the love

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What IS Sensual Domination

This is a big question in MY world. People know about "Domination" from bad movies, bad porn and bad cartoon characters (catwoman comes to mind.) But what is this "branch" of the BDSM tree that is lacking in brutality?

Some of the "old guard" or "leather guard" would say it is bullshit and fluff. LMAO I stopped caring what those folks said...well...the first time one of them opened their mouth to Me. I do still identify as being a Dominant. I just don't feel the need to beat the crap out of people that I care about.

First, lets talk about what it IS. It is Control: complete and utter. I tell him what to wear, when to get up, when to exercise, how to take care of himself, what to eat, what not to eat, and I control every aspect of our sexual relationship (when, if, how, how long, where and most importantly, when and if he get to release.)

The day I collared him, I took Ownership of him. I would hope that by now you all realize that My tomio is EXTREMELY intelligent and very well-educated. I would have him no other way, and he is not submissive to the world. He is submissive to ME. If you cross him in public, do not expect him to back down. I love that about him. However, I own him. He loves that he is owned and he finds great comfort in My Love and My Ownership.

Do I spank him? Yes, if he needs it, and sometimes just cuz I want to. I flog him with a gorgeous red suede flogger, that makes a lot of noise, but does not have much bite. I bite him, because he makes the most delicious noises when I do... (shudders with pleasure)- We play with hot wax, ice and a riding crop. By saying We...I mean I use these things on him.

Do I tie him up? Yes. I tie his wrists with black silky fabric. If he wanted to get loose, he could, because it stretches. We have recently started with the bondage tape...because I was at the adult toy store, it was purple, and I had a coupon! LMAO totally true, I swear. Tying him is fun, adds an extra level of control and We both enjoy it. I tried the handcuffs on him, but they HURT, so I took them off. THAT is the difference. I do not hurt him other than in small very controlled ways.

If this is sounding a lot like the BDSM that you know... hold on to your hat. LOL

Do I dress in leather? UM...NO. Leather is not comfortable to Me. I wear a tank top and yoga pants, or just panties. I do own a GORGEOUS pair of black leather boots. They are sexy as hell...and hurt like it too! LOL Seriously, they hurt if I wear them for more than an hour or so. I hate to be uncomfortable.

Is everything black and leathery? HAHAHA nope! I am far too sensual for that! ALL of My toys are PRETTY... flogger, crop, strap on, bondage tape, vibes everything is PRETTY! Some are sparkly, some are soft, some are purple or pink...everything is PRETTY. Its just Me. I like pretty.

Do I degrade him? Nope, never. I love and value him too much to make him feel like anything less than My treasure. He is worthy, wise and wonderful.

Do I make him bleed? NOOO! Ok there was one time, but I had removed a skin tag that was driving Me nuts on his beautiful face, and I removed it GENTLY and with love. It's not that same! lol

When I spank or bind him, am I brutal? NEVER! I do not spank him for extended periods of time, do not bind him into painful positions and leave him there, and I do not tend to mark his lovely flesh. Ok sometimes the bites leave marks...but again that is because of the LOVELY noises he makes-- clearly not My fault! ROFLMAO

Do I slap him across the face? Never.
Trample him? Nope
Kick or punch? nu-uh
pull his hair? Um... he shaves his head so that is a trick question...hehe

And most importantly...I LOVE, ADORE and TREASURE HIM. I stroke his skin, kiss him gently, rub his bald head. We laugh, A LOT, he makes up silly song. We kiss, cuddle, snuggle, he paints My toenails. It is a LOVING relationship. Oh and We go SHOE SHOPPING (the crowd goes wild) hehehe

It is not the type of relationship everyone in the kink community wants. I had a long distance pet, who decided after he was here and we had a real session together, that I was not HARD enough for him. (also note, he did not get the loving, kissing, snuggling part...We did not have that sort of relationship.) But this was a man who craved brutality...his former Mistress stapled his scrotum to a board. (WINCES) Yeah that is NEVER gonna happen with ME.

Its not for everyone... but We are finding that We are not alone. And We love that!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Submissive fantasies are...problematic

For years, I had no reality upon which I could base my fantasies, or against which I could judge them. I think my fantasies were largely based on what I viewed through FemDom porn and/or erotic literature. In these, Domination is almost always coupled with sadism and, to a lesser extent, humiliation. So it went with my fantasies.

My reality with Mistress Delila is much different. There is some pain involved, but it is not necessary to push the boundaries of pain simply for me to feel "truly submissive." I can honestly say, as well, that I have never felt humiliated by Her...although We have discussed and agreed that certain things contain some amount of degradation, the two are not synonyms.* In other words, my time with Mistress Delila has changed the way I view submission and Dominance, and so it has changed the way I view myself, the way I view Her, and the way I view representations of Feminine-led D/s.

My initial reaction was to blame the mismatch on the source of my information. In other words, I figured that FemDom porn was sort of poisoning my mind. But as I considered it, I realized that it was not exactly that clear cut of a relationship.

The fact is that I enjoyed FemDom porn because it matched some of the preconceptions I brought to it. The women were beautiful and dressed to accentuate their beauty. The ropes, the physical pain, the pegging, even (to a lesser extent) some of the verbal abuse resonated with my inner desires. What FemDom porn did was simply to put together images and archetypes that had been bouncing around in my head already. The problem was that it became a self-reinforcing cycle - any fantasies that could not be visualized began to fall by the wayside. Or, eventually, I began to move away from FemDom porn to female masturbation videos.

This is an important step. For me, submission is practically meaningless if the woman to whom I submit does not enjoy it. It can't just be acceptance. She has to want it, to demand it, to be enthralled by Her power over me. Anything less is just being an actor on a stage.

So I was better able to engage in my mental world better if I simply saw a woman enjoying her body than I was with the more explicit FemDom images. I could enjoy her pleasure, which is a much bigger trigger for me than is the pain or degradation. But when I would think of submission, and when I would write about it, I would almost default back to the intense and explicit language of FemDom rather than the erotic servitude of Feminine-led submission. Why?

I think I made a connection while involved in discussing the concept of "rape fantasy"as it was being discussed on a chat board.. I have to put that in quotes because I don't think it is possible to want to be raped...because rape is being forced against one's will to have sex (rough definition, I know). Beyond that, a person controls their fantasy completely. So it is, at best, a mental exercise to fantasize about having no control over something one always has complete control over. In fact, it is probably impossible.

What happens, I think, is something like a defense mechanism kicking in - call it a "fantasy mechanism." Because it is impossible to actually lose control in one's fantasy, the fantasy gets stretched to include things that one would not generally want. What I wanted was to turn over total control of my life to a partner who would enjoy that power (and not actually be abusive about it). But it is very difficult (impossible) to fantasize about what someone else would enjoy, particularly when it is not actually known who that "someone else" is.

As I have turned my life over to Mistress Delila, I have found myself engaging less and less in fantasy. When I try to do so, I am often confounded by trying to approximate the surrender I experience with Her. Knowing what it really means to submit to Her - giving up control of what will happen next and how it will happen - means that it is just not possible to maintain the illusion of powerlessness in a fantasy that I am turning the pages on. So it is just unsatisfactory.

So, too, have I found that FemDom images and videos simply do not hold the interest for me that they once did. It is just an unsatisfactory parody of what We enjoy. And despite the obligatory female orgasm in such media, it doesn't really appear to me that the women enjoy themselves all that much...and they don't seem to like the men involved, either.

This is a long way around of asking this question: Is part of the reason for the state of FemDom portrayals this inability to conceptualize a malesub fantasy? If so, does this just not speak of intellectual laziness? Even more to the point, does it not speak to devaluation of Dominant Women? After all, if we wanted to know what kind of porn might turn on a Dominant Woman, all we have to do is ask, right?

I think that is a discussion worth having. Not because of the wank fodder that will result (and let's be honest, the point of sexualized fantasies is to ENJOY them). But because letting submissive men peek inside the Dominant Woman's mind will give him an alternative to what he's being fed by his own inability to conceive of what She wants and by the porn industry that sees that as the One True Path. Because when Dominant Women are comfortable (and brave) enough to open up about what excites them, then we will begin humanizing them and seeing them as the loving and worthy people they really are.

*"Degrading," as I am using it, simply means to [somewhat] forcibly lower another person's standing relative to one's own; "humiliation" is to forcibly lower another person's value relative to one's own - related concepts, but vastly different. So degradation says, "I have status above you and you are beneath me (therefore I can direct you how I want)," while humiliation says, "You are worthless to me (and your needs are immaterial)."

Abuse and Domination

As My beloved tomio said, the topic of past abuse does come up in chats about "the Lifestyle."

Just to be perfectly clear.  I was never abused. Never.  I got a few spankings as a child, but that is it.  I grew up in a happy, healthy home.  I am a child of divorce, but it was a healthy, sane divorce without all the fighting and drama.

So how does a woman from a happy, mostly normal (what IS normal, really?) family grow up to be a Domme? Well... I am not sure I can tell you that!  LOL I was raised by a VERY strong willed mother. She is the kind of woman who has lost friends over differing opinions, but never falters. She is also a survivor of abuse.  I grew up very aware of her past, and her issues and I truly believe that is why she is so loving.  I never spent a day feeling unloved, love was a constant.

Growing up with that knowledge,  I found Myself becoming a very protective person.  May the heavens help you if you go after someone that I love... fury is not even close.  And as a protector, I learned to become a control freak, of sorts, and moved out early, because living under rules I did not create was very difficult to Me.  Again, lets be clear:  I was not a bad kid, at all.  I never did drugs, never drank, never stayed out late, did not have a string of boyfriends.  My "problems"  as it were... were being mouthy, and being stubborn.

If I look back at My unhappy relationships, I find that I was technically submissive in them.  Never entirely, and certainly never sexually, but I deferred judgement to the various "hims", in hopes of being taken care of.  Yeah that worked out..umm not at all.  LOL

I did not embrace My dominant side until I was almost 40. It seems that I was just willing to be considered a bitch.  LMAO!  Any strong-willed woman in our society is a bitch, apparently.  Unlike My beloved tomio, I am not going to launch into a detailed analysis of women throughout the ages.  Its not My style.  All I am going to tell you is that I am much happier NOW, having embraced My female power, than I have ever been.

However, I AM aware of the abuse in tomio's past, and because of that, I remind him frequently that he is loved and cherished.  We do not practice humiliation play, and I never play head games with him.  Instead he has surrendered control to Me. I am constantly aware of his needs, though My needs are always a priority.  He has learned that his needs never go unmet.

That said, he still went through a phase of having brutal dreams of Me, and brutal fantasies about what he thought he wanted...  it was not what he wanted, not at all.  But that leads us to the next topic.... fantasies.