For the love

For the love

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Try the direct route

I love 95% of this post. Right up to the point where the author writes:
No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…

I'll cut some slack for the author admitting that She is new to BDSM, and that She came to it through watching porn. But I find this conclusion to be rather offensive, and I'm pretty sure if She tries it this way, She is going to end up frustrated and hurt.

First of all, with the "fly under the radar" of the cornerstones of having a healthy relationship of any kind is "informed consent." Failure to have that consent means the relationship is built on manipulation and lies. In my experience, relationships that strive for honesty will still encounter enough problems without planning a huge deception from the beginning.

Think about an alternate scenario: A woman is writing about wanting a big family and says, "It doesn't matter if he wants kids or not. I'll fly under the radar and he can either have sex with me and raise the kids I want or he can not have sex...and we all know how that will work out!" Would that sound flirty and confident or deranged and manipulative? No one in their right mind would encourage her to "fly under the radar" with such an important aspect of a relationship.

Well, that goes double for BDSM. If someone is going to tie me up, blindfold me, and otherwise render me helpless; then I have to be confident that I'm not going to suddenly be forced into uncharted territory with no way to communicate. There can be no doubt about whether the Dominant is honest about their desires and how they are going to fulfill them. What if She decides that the dildo went in so easy that She's going to cram Her whole fist up there? If I can't trust that I know the answer to that; then I'm not going to get immobilized in the first place.

Secondly, there's the idea that She wants "a strong man" who has never thought about submission. If She had any idea how offensive that comment is; then I doubt She'd have written it. It's as if She is believes that a man loses his strength when he even thinks about submission. What about those of us who live it as our normal lives? Are we spineless jellyfish? What does She mean by "strong" anyway?

Mistress Delila does not (usually) restrain me when She wants to enjoy hurting me. I lay there, holding my body open and vulnerable so She can take Her pleasure. It isn't something any weakling would consider. Plus, in a society that holds submission to be antithesis to masculinity, any guy who steps out and openly proclaims his submissiveness is showing a hell of a lot of strength of character. His biceps aren't big enough? Combine push-ups and cunnilingus and make them bigger.

Strength occurs independently of submissive desires. I understand that the author is simply expressing Her desires - but to the extent that it reinforces the perception of submissive men as being weak, it needs to be called out. At the very least, She needs to be a bit more specific about what She is wanting - something that is hard to do while flying under the radar.

Then there's, "I'll even make him think it's all his idea..." Why? For the sake of all the fucking in Heaven, why? If the idea is to be DOMINANT; then why would She want to start by forfeiting even the idea that She wants to be Dominant? Speaking as a submissive man, I don't want a woman I have to CONVINCE to Dominate me. I want (and have) a woman who will listen carefully to what I want and need, ask questions to clarify any murky areas, explain what She is looking for, and then submerge me within Her will.

Periodically, I see posts that ask, "How can I get my vanilla SO to be kinky?" The answer is: You can't. Either they are, or they aren't. Now, there is a possibility that they are kinky and are unaware of it, but that isn't the same as not being kinky. Exactly how does one segue from man-on-top, penis-in-vagina to woman-on-top, whipping-his-ass-and-plowing-a-strapon without the other person knowing it is happening? Short of date-rape drugs and heavy sedation - both of which are morally reprehensible - it isn't possible. Get it out of your head!

The way to find out if someone is kinky - even if you've been married for fifty years - is to sit down and talk with them. It's something that no one can fly under the radar with. Trying to do so only leads to hurt feelings and heartbreak.

Moving back up the post, the author writes:
I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours.
Most Dominant women don't fit the "Dominatrix" model as found in porn, just as most submissive men don't fit the "slave" model found there. The good news is that, when you are open and honest about what you want, you are free to forge your own path. Instead of having him on all fours, make him stand up to fold the laundry - make him stand up naked while wearing a gigantic butt plug if that's what both of you like. Or just keep it in the bedroom. Whatever floats your boat is what you should be looking for.

As far as how to talk to's easy, but scary. Take a deep breath, look them in the eye, and say, "I am really looking for a man/woman/something that is willing to do this________. How do you feel about that?"

Don't let the websites scare You. There are all kinds of dating sites filled with people who want to be married or just to hook up for a night. But that doesn't mean it is impossible to find someone in between those extremes.

I'll close with this hard-learned bit of advice: You will never find what you want by accepting something you don't want. You will only hurt people by accepting what you don't want in the hopes that it will turn into what you do want.


  1. to give the author a little bit of slack, she's new and the majority of her "knowledge" is based on internet femdom porn. No small wonder that she assumes that dominant women, must be leather clad, whip wielding bitches screaming "worthless worm" at the top of their lungs.

    Hopefully with a little more experience, she's start to get it.

  2. Wow... Haven't read the post you're quoting, but some of those quotes are just horrifying. I can kind of understand wanting to "convert" someone, but when the rubber meets the road if they aren't into these fetishes (it's possible to be into things and not know it) it's just not going to work. And yes, with BDSM you're right, honesty is absolutely the best policy. You can get really hurt if not. Good post.