The struggle to remain at the bottom

A while back, Mistress Delila and I identified a trend: The longer I go without seeing Her, the less loving and more stereotypical my daydreams and fantasies of Her become. The reason, at least as I can see it, is that it is actually impossible for a person to fantasize (an action in which we are entirely in control) and be without any control of the situation. One cannot be both submissive AND in total control of the situation, so fantasies of submission cannot actually be an exercise of submission.

As a corollary of this (call it Tomio's Law...yes, I'm THAT humble), it is difficult for a grown man to, constantly and without failing, be powerless. If for no other reason; then because I actually have to utilize personal agency on a daily basis. For example, when I go to work, I cannot wait for a directive for every single action. Even when She and I are together, She expects me to exercise my judgment on somethings (I think it would get VERY tiring to have to give me permission for everything).

So this brings me to something that is an ongoing issue (at this time, anyway). I have had trouble achieving orgasm when Mistress strokes me, so She made the decision that I will not be able to have an orgasm on my own. Not only am I fine with this, it is actually something that I have wanted for a long time. I've discovered that, while physically enjoyable, having an orgasm without Her being present is not emotionally satisfying and feels...well, it feels wrong.

I enjoy the feeling of being controlled, and the fact that I am now hungry for release continually (and that it is connected now to Her touch...swoon) reminds me nearly constantly that I am owned. Which I love. It is, literally, a dream come true for me.

The problem is this: Some friends of mine are coming in from out of town, so our next visit is being postponed. Instead of going two weeks, it will now be almost exactly a month. Again, I'm fine with this. I'm reasonably sure I can make it without any sort of...involuntary issue.

Where this becomes a problem is that I really want to make sure that Mistress makes me wait. Which, in effect, means that I want to control this. It isn't easy to let go of control when something you really crave is tossed into your lap. The paradox is that the more I try to control it, the less likely it is to happen. Since it is often on my mind, I find myself bringing it up with Mistress when we talk. This, in effect, is also trying to influence Her, and therefore control Her.

Yesterday She scolded me for this, and rightfully so. This constant yammering about it is not remaining submissive and accepting of Her decisions. I even questioned whether I am writing this because I would like to get further input and conversation on this as a larger issue or whether it, too, is an underhanded way to try and push Her. Ultimately, since self-deception can't be dispelled on one's own, I don't really know.

So I have this struggle to remain submissive...I want Her to know how much of a gift every single day of hunger is for me. I want Her to know that I am grateful and thankful and hopeful...and to do all of this without trying to push one way or the other. I need this to be entirely Her decision (and I know it will be).

I think I must simply trust Her. There is nothing here that will be a surprise to Her. She knows how I feel and She knows how important this is to me. I normally do not struggle with remaining silent and following Her commands...it just seems odd that the place I struggle with most is the place where I get what I actually want.
(Note: This post was reviewed by, approved by, and POSTED BY Mistress Delila)