Sorry for the long absence-- Life is just life!

Hello Fine Readers!
We are still here, still together and still rolling in The Kink.    This blog might be a little bit fragmented, because there is a lot of stuff that I want to touch on...

First, Winter Sucks.  There is snow literally up to my ass in New England at this point, and in case I never mentioned it, I am tall!   It's bullshit, I hate it and there is nothing I can do about it.  Control Freaks like Me hate shit like that!  So there.  It sucks, time to move on.

It's Valentine's Day.  I hope you made it a happy one!  I was greeted this morning with the most loving and wonderful text that it brought tears to My eyes!  The way that tomio loves me is unlike any love I have ever felt.  It's the kind of love people dream of, write of and paint for...  the kind I never thought I would find.  I am grateful for him every day!    I love you smoochieface!    Yes, yes the mean Dominant Mistress of Wickedness just called him a silly name.  Deal with it.  LMAO!

The other thing that Valentine's Day means this year is the release of 50 shades of bullshit, the movie.  While it amuses me to no end that churches and the uptight citizens brigade is all up in arms about the the movie, the reality of it is that, as I pointed out in My blog of July 2012, the books SUCK! They are baldy written, filled with the lamest sex scenes in history, loaded with inaccurate stereotypes of BDSM play, and worst of all it portrays blatant abuse as Kink.   I am not going to rehash all of that nonsense, I wrote it once, go read it here, http://fortheloveofdominance.blogspot.com/2012/07/50-shades-of-you-have-got-to-be-kidding.html

While I am not going to get into it all, I can't believe that they made a movie out of it!  Now all of the people who don't read, but still think BDSM is something they want to see, are going to go and get an eyeful of BULLSHIT!  They are going to see systematic abuse wearing the guise of Kink.  They are going to see a depiction a man being able to remove someone's consent by having them sign a piece of paper that they do not understand.  They are going to see rape, emotional abuse, neglect, mistreatment, maniacal control and all of it is going to wrapped up in a phony package called BDSM. Once I was hopeful that it would open the door for people to stop thinking of it as dark, creepy, dangerous and scary.   I wanted people to be able to see it a just another way people interact and private way to get needs met between two consenting adults.  That was a pipe dream.  This is going to color it darker and increase the stupidity level.   I am so disappointed and angry about it...  I can't even express myself correctly.

Ok so on to a more vibrant note.  We are still here, still kinky and still very much in love.  There have been emotional times over the past 8 months, medical issues, money issues and stress.  Lots of stress, but we push through it all.  There have been times when our visits were not about the kink at all, but about two people with the need for loving contact.  We have cuddled and watched movies and sprawled in bed, wrapped up in a bundle of arms and legs, just staring at the TV.   It's OK to do that, because its what we both needed.  We talked about needs and wants.  Sometimes we had big plans for all sorts of naughty deliciousness only to have the actually time dissolve into tears and needs that were well outside of the Kink...

Here's the thing:  We are a couple that is involved in Kinky things, we play Kinky, we having Kinky toys and talk Kinky. I am always Dominant. That part never changes because it is a not a role that I play, it is who I am.   My tomio is always submissive.  It is who he is. But the bottom line is that we are still PEOPLE.  We have wants, needs, hungers, fears, feelings and our time together is about filling the voids and making it all right again.  Sometimes that is not Kinky.

That being said, our last visit we found our way back into the full blown Kink (Wicked grin) and it was good, damn, it was good!

Compare and Contrast: The Mighty Dildo Review

You know how it is when you order a new toy and wait with joyful expectation for its arrival so you can try it out and just lay there in the blissful afterglow, amazed by how much better reality is than any fantasy you've ever had?

If you've ever had that feeling; then hold that memory dear, because you won't be experiencing it with the Doc Johnson Raging Hardons Slimline Cobalt Blue Jellie 7-inch Ballsie. First of all, the name is WAY too complicated. I want to choke on the cock in my throat, not the name attached to it. But Doc Johnson is generally a good company and it offers affordable toys of decent quality. So we ordered it. And we were excited when it came in. So far, so good.

I think the good doctor may need his license examined. At the very least, it is apparent that Doc Johnson is not a urologist or male genitalia specialist of any sort. If this is what the Doc considers to be a "raging hardon" then I truly pity whatever woman he is with. It has the rigidity of a warm hot dog. It can't even stand up on its own without leaning over like a yoga master. Mistress has taken to referring to it as "the Raging Flacid."

Other than the exceptionally misleading name, it's a decent product. I enjoyed it in my throat and could even take short, slow breaths around it. This means I could stay down on it longer, which is fun. It didn't even come close to triggering a gag reflex...which takes the challenge away. I like it when I choke a bit - Mistress loves the way my eyes tear up when I stare up at Her in adoration, and I feel totally slutty (in the best way) when a bit of drool falls from my lips and drops onto my chest. So it's a trade off - easier to deep throat, but less of the fun stuff that comes from doing so. Of course, I could just spit on myself and She could poke my eye, but that just isn't as sexy.

At the other end, it was about the same. It was too soft for Mistress to thrust with it in Her harness, so She had to take matters (and dildo) into hand. Because it is fairly slender, it was easy to take and the ridges felt wonderful. However, She had to go fairly slowly because otherwise it sort of wobbled and threatened to double over instead of going in.

So it's a good, affordable toy - but the name is misleading (even though it is called "jellie" - after all, some jelly-like products are also fairly rigid). We both enjoyed having the toy, but felt a bit ripped-off. I think it would be a great toy for someone who wants to try a dildo for the first time, but I would advise the "raging hardon" be removed from the name.

We continued our search for the Perfect Girl-Cock with a grab-bag order from Tantus. The good news is that the price was incredible. The bad news, potentially, is that you have no control over the color of the toy, though you can choose the toy. That's what grab bag means, after all. What we got was a pink Echo Vibrator and a coffee colored Vamp.

We tried the Echo first, with the vibrating bullet removed. The girth was just right to trigger a soft gag reflex that I could easily control. It fit into my throat without any sense of stretching and I wasn't able to breath around it. This makes deep throating a work of breath control - which I love - and it leaves me a little breathless. My eyes teared satisfactorily, but Mistress stopped just before I started drooling. A little longer, though, and I would have been a very messy slut (maybe next time).

Mistress had no trouble slipping it into my ass. The girth was, again, perfect. The length was perfect. The ripples gave just enough stimulation to turn me into a whimper ball of ecstasy. I found just the right arch of my back to allow it to stroke my prostate so that I was dripping within a few moments. Mistress could take me as hard as She wanted and as fast as She wanted. She could also take me slowly and lovingly. It performed as well no matter how She used it.

The only thing that didn't exceed our expectations was the vibe. It is bigger and more powerful than most bullet vibes, but it just didn't hit Mistress in the right spot. Given the variation among women, I don't know how a designer could possibly make one that is right for everyone, though. One of my fantasies is for Her to take me until She orgasms from it...and I don't think that will happen with this one.

I would still give it my highest recommendation. It is a wonderful toy, and just thinking about taking it again gives me a yummy tingling in my lower belly.

Mistress didn't really care for the color of the Vamp because She doesn't want a girl-cock that looks like a boy-cock. In general, the color doesn't have any impact for me. Compared to the Echo, it has a bit bigger girth. It feels a bit shorter, when on the business side of it, but I couldn't swear that it is.

Kneeling before Her and seeing it at eye level was just a bit intimidating, but in an exciting way. The color DID make a difference, but it was not major and not unpleasant. It did not fit easily into my throat. I had to choke back my gag reflex and push hard. When it was in, I felt...impaled. If it had been a half inch longer, I think it would have been more comfortable, but I couldn't swear that I could get that much in my throat. It would be an excellent tool to help me learn to control my gag reflex better.

The increased girth made me gasp when Mistress pushed into my ass. She has a plug that is bigger and we both love when I take that, so it wasn't enough to make me feel stretched. But I knew that I was taking a big cock in my ass. That, in itself, made me feel slutty and dirty (again, these are good things for me). When Mistress drew back, the tip just started to slide out of me before She pounded it into me again (this is why I think it is a bit shorter than the Echo). This made my anus flex uncontrollably in a way that the Echo didn't. That extra loss of control was a big bonus for me. Plus, it is big enough that it drove air from my lungs with every thrust, so that I was panting in short order.

Again, I was able to arch so that it hit my prostate - though "pummeled" is more like it. Yes, that is also a good thing. Wetness dripped out of me and slid down my thigh, making me feel like the dirtiest bitch that ever took a girl-cock in his ass. I think if Mistress had kept it up just a bit longer, I would have had an orgasm from it (and I have had real and true orgasms - white creamy ejaculate pumping from my cock -  from Her taking my ass, so I'm not exaggerating).

Like the Echo, this has my highest recommendation. However, it is definitely not a beginner's toy. But both the Echo and the Vamp left us with that very happy feeling of having gotten more than we expected - and at an amazing price.

Desire, Romance, and Submission

During a recent conversation, just before our last weekend together, Mistress said that She was craving romance. Immediately, my mind went to all of those trite stereotypes: flowers, candle-lit dinner, poetry, whatever. The problem is: Being submissive, and bending to Her directions sort of means that it is difficult for me to spring such things on Her. And if She were to say, "Okay, be romantic..." - I'm not sure I would know how to obey.

I think this is an issue (in fact I know it is) for many non-BDSM relationships. She craves romance and he is clueless about how to feed that hunger. But with our relationship it was more than that - not only was I clueless, but I also needed permission to act.

Or so I thought.

Talking with Mistress afterwards, I discovered, much to my amazement, that She had felt very romanced during our time together. Apparently, I am much more romantic than I thought (patting myself on the back...). This only served to further confuse me. How could I feed Her need for romance without even being aware of it? Without even trying to?

I put the question out on Twitter, and got back some helpful input. But the best information, of course, came directly from Mistress. I'm sure She will discuss it from Her end, but from my end, it boils down to this: Romance is the experience of loving abandonment put into action.

I always rush outside to meet Mistress when She arrives. In fact, the first time we met, She nearly hit me with Her car because I was actively moving towards Her before She came to a complete stop. But my hunger for Her touch is so great that I simply cannot wait patiently. Greeting Her means touching Her, kissing Her, letting out all of the hunger and the need that I bottle up when I must be away from Her.

Because She can feel how deeply I mean every touch and kiss, this is romantic to Her. And I must say that I can see how having someone nearly running in Your direction just to kiss and touch You would be romantic. But only because I am not doing it to be romantic - if that were it; then it would begin to feel contrived and hollow.

When She arrived, She was exhausted from Her drive. So when She laid down, I rubbed Her feet with lotion. From my perspective, it was simply an act of service that She should not have to ask for. She was tired, and I tended Her. It was a rather mundane act of love. I honestly had no idea what it meant to Her until She brought it up as an example.

Again, I think the point is that it could have been something that She ordered me to do. If She had; then it would have been just as meaningful to me - I would still have been doing it for Her. But because She did not have to order me to do it; then it moves into another realm for Her. Because I did it without being told simply because I knew She would enjoy it, it became an act of love.

Men, too often, confuse "romance" with "desire." Or sometimes, "that silly thing we do to get women's underpants off." Based on my new insight, I don't think romance and (sexual) desire are as intrinsically linked as men believe. Romance is making the other person feel like they are prized above all others. That means it's very unique and personal to both people involved. What's romantic for one person is not for another - or even what is romantic for one person at one time may not be romantic for them at all times. It is both experiential (feeling) and active.

There is, of course, a sexual component to romance - call it "sexual romance." It's that point where the slow dance becomes something more primal. Where the feeling of slipping a strawberry between Her lips becomes sensual and arousing. Where sexual desire is unpent and directed at the only person whose existence matters at that moment. It's where sex becomes the most intimate possible act of love and devotion.

So the issue over how to be romantic and submissive really disappears with this understanding. It isn't as simple as just doing more of what I already do. It is going out of my way, even a little, to make sure that She feels loved and desired and...

And She knows that it is only for Her. Not in spite of Her, nor because of Her, but simply for Her. Because what I feel cannot be held back, it guides my actions in a romantic, desirous, and thoroughly submissive manner.

Submission is not pathological

Mistress and I were talking the other day and She mentioned that a friend of Hers, who knows about our Lovestyle, is always trying to discover some secret sign of abuse in Her background. Just to be clear, there is none. So the probing, gentle or not, gets tiring because it says, "There is something wrong with You."

I've also heard several people speak about the high incidence of self-identified survivors of abuse in the BDSM-sphere. The connection that is generally made is, "You were abused and that is what made you what you are." Again, the belief behind it is that anyone and everyone who enjoys this as a playtime, pastime, lifestyle, or lovestyle has something wrong with them.

It's total crap. Period.

It is leftover psychobabble from a time when sadism and masochism were identified as mental disorders...right alongside with homosexuality. Now, some people still think that gay people are crazy. But, by and large, our society has evolved beyond that infantile thinking. As gays have come out of the closet and taken their rightful place in society, it has become more and more difficult to see them as being inherently "wrong."

But whereas gay activists have made these enormous strides (and even though enormous ground remains to be taken), BDSM really hasn't had a public face. The HIV/AIDS epidemic forced gay men, in particular, to demand political and social power. The continued segregation of marital rights for most of the country keeps them marching (something I support). But the BDSM-sphere never had a deadly disease that seemed to target its members and, as far as I'm aware, no one has ever been denied marital rights because they are kinky.

Think quick: Name a movie that specifically revolves around a BDSM relationship. Most people, if they think of anything, come up with either "Secretary" or "9 1/2 Weeks." Neither is an example of a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship.

Now name a character on TV that shows sexual dominance or submission in a healthy manner. The programs most likely to deal with these issues are police dramas - Law and Order or CSI or something. But they are ALWAYS investigating a crime when BDSM comes up. CSI flirted with the idea of having a recurring Femdom character, but it was never developed and it was based on a lot of stereotypes (in part, because She was a pro-domme).

When the American Psychiatric Association has long since evolved to consider sadism, as an example, as a problem only if one of two conditions exist: 1) if the patient has "acted on these urges [to hurt someone for their own pleasure] with a non-consenting person;" or 2) if "the urges, or behaviors caused marked distress or interpersonal difficulty." So "safe, sane, and consensual" sadism is only a problem if the person doesn't want to be a sadist.

But most Americans don't even know about the APA's definitions. Most Americans operate from a "gut level" instinct...which generally means they subconsciously rely on stereotypes and judgments they learned prior to become an adult. That means, basically, that most adults are walking around with a 1980 or earlier mentality when it comes to BDSM.

This accounts for the public perception that "something is wrong" with BDSM-ers. But what accounts for the seemingly high level of abuse?

Well, for one thing, more kids are abused than any of us likes to think about. It is not a rare thing at all. However, most people don't actually think that what happened to them was abuse. We all tend to think that we grew up "normal" until we discover differently. There is also the power of denial and repression to deal with. If a person doesn't want to think of what happened to them; then they won't.

BDSM forces one to face their most intimate desires and fears. By its very nature, BDSM forces a person to be more in touch with their sexuality than the general public is. This means we, as a group, are more likely to both know if we were abused and to admit it openly if we were abused.

Everything we experience makes us into the persons that we are. So, undoubtedly, anyone who was abused carries that experience into their BDSM relationship - and that means there is extra baggage to deal with. I've had very open and frank discussions with Mistress Delila about the abuse I suffered as a child because I'm not always able to tell when something isn't going right for me. I have to depend on Her to read me...so She needs to know. And I need Her to know (probably in more detail than She likes).

So what I'm saying is this: BDSM-ers are not more likely to have been abused. We're just more likely to talk about it. But when that is added to the widely held belief that BDSM is a pathological response to abuse as a child...it becomes almost legendary. So the urban legend that everyone in BDSM is a survivor of abuse is a strongly held one, at least in some quarters.

Here's the thing: I was abused as a child. I understand what it means to be a powerless victim. I also now have the experience of being a submissive to a wonderfully Dominant Woman. I understand what it means to be a powerless lover. The two are not the same, or even similar. Even a casual observer should be able to understand the difference.

Childhood abuse is a horrible thing that some people never get beyond. Just like rape is a horrible thing that some people never get beyond. But some people are able to heal from the trauma of rape and have a healthy and loving sexual relationship with their partner.Their sexual desires are not a result of being raped. They are simply healthy and affirming and wonderful. The same thing is true of childhood abuse and sexual submission and/or dominance. Even in a person who was abused as a child, once they heal, their submission or dominance can be healthy and affirming and wonderful.


I'm sure there are people for whom Femdom/malesub is a pathological response to something in their past. I'm sure there are people for whom Femdom/malesub causes immense psychological pain because they want what is "wrong." But it is not any different from other relationship types in the truth of that statement. ANYTHING behavior can be pathological.

For me, malesub represents the apex of my ability to show love to a woman. I am fully engaged in seeing Her as a woman, a person worthy of receiving the totality of my affection and desire. I surrender to Her fully, because to hold anything at all back would be to love Her less. It is not just sexual...it is a transcendent state that connects me to Her intimately in a way nothing else ever can or will.

It also puts me in a state where I can RECEIVE love and affirmation as a man, a person worthy of receiving the totality of Her affection and desire. She takes me fully because I am Hers to claim and because Her love allows for nothing less. I have to judge, from the light in Her eyes and the glow on Her face that is also a transcendent state for Her.

That is not pathological. It is beautiful. In a time where there is no end to the voices decrying the loss of human connection with each other; it is the type of soulful connection that desperately needs to be held up as an example to which we all should aspire.