Saturday, May 5, 2012
Desire, Romance, and Submission
During a recent conversation, just before our last weekend together, Mistress said that She was craving romance. Immediately, my mind went to all of those trite stereotypes: flowers, candle-lit dinner, poetry, whatever. The problem is: Being submissive, and bending to Her directions sort of means that it is difficult for me to spring such things on Her. And if She were to say, "Okay, be romantic..." - I'm not sure I would know how to obey. I think this is an issue (in fact I know it is) for many non-BDSM relationships. She craves romance and he is clueless about how to feed that hunger. But with our relationship it was more than that - not only was I clueless, but I also needed permission to act. Or so I thought. Talking with Mistress afterwards, I discovered, much to my amazement, that She had felt very romanced during our time together. Apparently, I am much more romantic than I thought (patting myself on the back...). This only served to further confuse me. How could I feed Her need for romance without even being aware of it? Without even trying to? I put the question out on Twitter, and got back some helpful input. But the best information, of course, came directly from Mistress. I'm sure She will discuss it from Her end, but from my end, it boils down to this: Romance is the experience of loving abandonment put into action. I always rush outside to meet Mistress when She arrives. In fact, the first time we met, She nearly hit me with Her car because I was actively moving towards Her before She came to a complete stop. But my hunger for Her touch is so great that I simply cannot wait patiently. Greeting Her means touching Her, kissing Her, letting out all of the hunger and the need that I bottle up when I must be away from Her. Because She can feel how deeply I mean every touch and kiss, this is romantic to Her. And I must say that I can see how having someone nearly running in Your direction just to kiss and touch You would be romantic. But only because I am not doing it to be romantic - if that were it; then it would begin to feel contrived and hollow. When She arrived, She was exhausted from Her drive. So when She laid down, I rubbed Her feet with lotion. From my perspective, it was simply an act of service that She should not have to ask for. She was tired, and I tended Her. It was a rather mundane act of love. I honestly had no idea what it meant to Her until She brought it up as an example. Again, I think the point is that it could have been something that She ordered me to do. If She had; then it would have been just as meaningful to me - I would still have been doing it for Her. But because She did not have to order me to do it; then it moves into another realm for Her. Because I did it without being told simply because I knew She would enjoy it, it became an act of love. Men, too often, confuse "romance" with "desire." Or sometimes, "that silly thing we do to get women's underpants off." Based on my new insight, I don't think romance and (sexual) desire are as intrinsically linked as men believe. Romance is making the other person feel like they are prized above all others. That means it's very unique and personal to both people involved. What's romantic for one person is not for another - or even what is romantic for one person at one time may not be romantic for them at all times. It is both experiential (feeling) and active. There is, of course, a sexual component to romance - call it "sexual romance." It's that point where the slow dance becomes something more primal. Where the feeling of slipping a strawberry between Her lips becomes sensual and arousing. Where sexual desire is unpent and directed at the only person whose existence matters at that moment. It's where sex becomes the most intimate possible act of love and devotion. So the issue over how to be romantic and submissive really disappears with this understanding. It isn't as simple as just doing more of what I already do. It is going out of my way, even a little, to make sure that She feels loved and desired and... And She knows that it is only for Her. Not in spite of Her, nor because of Her, but simply for Her. Because what I feel cannot be held back, it guides my actions in a romantic, desirous, and thoroughly submissive manner.