Yesterday I watched a Nova documentary on Genie, the feral child discovered in California in the 1970s (first portion is here and the rest is here). Part of it includes a discussion of Victor, the feral child discovered in France over a hundred years ago. Two cases, separated by more than a century, that are simply breathtaking in their implications for what happens when a human is denied connections to other humans. If a human, without contact with other humans, is effectively a simple biological animal...then what makes us human, to a large extent, is other humans.
This is true of what Mistress Delila and I share. I am the submissive I am because She is the Dominant that She is. Being with Her has always been, for me, like slipping into a tailor-made suit. But instead of putting something on, I take something off - all of the roles and expectations the rest of the world puts onto me get sloughed off at the door. Then I remove my clothes and sink to my knees and She buckles Her collar on my throat and...
John Denver, is his hit "Rocky Mountain High," talks about his first trip to the mountains, saying, "he was born in the summer of he twenty-second year/coming home to a place he'd never been before." That is what it is always like when I kneel before Her - like coming home.
I believe that I have always craved a D/s relationship, even before I knew what one was. As a result of needing this dynamic, and never having it, my submissiveness was not fully developed and could not truly be expressed. Until She exerted control over me, it was merely potential. I wanted and needed someone to Dominate me, but I didn't really know to surrender fully.
Over time, I have conformed myself to Her demands. It is, at the same time, very much like what I have always dreamed of, but very different, too. What is exactly what I've dreamed of is the luxurious beauty of willfully turning complete control over to someone else. There is a feeling of total peace and rightness in my service to Her.
What is different is how Her Dominance is expressed. There are some things that anyone would put into BDSM categories - some bondage, some giving and receiving of pain, the giving and acceptance of my body as Hers to do with as She pleases. But even these "traditional" BDSM activities are done in a way that is not seen as traditional FemDom. When She binds me, She makes sure I am (somewhat) comfortable. When She hurts me, it is in ways She knows I enjoy, or at least tolerate well. When She uses me, She also values me as a person She loves and makes sure my needs are met...but on Her timetable.
And it isn't about whips and chains or corsets and stilletos, either. For example, one time She took out a set of markers and used me as a canvas. Often, She will take me with Her when She shops for shoes, and I will walk up and down the aisles, holding Her choices. Then We find a place for Her to sit, and I kneel and help Her try them on. She has me cook for Her (while I am naked, of course). I open doors for Her and defer to Her decisions on things, small and large. Why? Because these are ways I can serve Her beyond the fraction of our lives spent secluded in a bedroom. I enjoy doing these things for Her because I enjoy Her Dominance over me, and these things are how I get to show that to the world, even if the world doesn't understand what they are seeing.
As a direct result of experiencing Her Sensual Dominance, I have developed a distaste for describing D/s activities as "hard" or "soft," as if one is more worthy of a BDSM title or status than the other. What these words often mean are "violent" and "non-violent." So just use those words! "Hard" means difficult or solid - and I can promise that some of the things She has me do are quite difficult (more difficult than taking a beating) and Her sway over me is quite complete and solid. It is as real as it can be...and if She thinks violence is needed or desired, She is capable of it. (Note: "Violence" does not hold any connotation of wrongness. It just means "using force," generally with the intention of inflicting pain. The right kind of violence is pure heaven.)
I also know that I have changed Mistress Delila. When I first spoke to Her, She did not want me to call Her "Goddess." Now She notices if I do not. She makes me and I make Her. We begin as a Dominant Woman and a submissive man, but end up as a D/s couple. It's pretty magical, really.
Is it sensual? Well I can honestly say that my skin hurts because Her hands are not touching it. The sound of Her voice is like a salve when I am distraught. My tongue thirsts for the taste of Her. My eyes seek Her so they can be filled with Her image. Her scent is intoxicating. Yes, it is sensual because it fills my senses.
Surrendering to Her means submerging my physical body in Her desires and releasing my emotional and psychological needs to Her care. It means engaging my full sensory faculties and then turning them over to Her, knowing that She will use them as tools to build deeper intimacy and bind us ever closer in the bonds of love.
She is my Goddess, and She owns me entirely. And I am so very happy that is true.