I did what no sane man should do - I deliberately headed down the shore towards an oncoming hurricane. After spending most of my adult life around the ocean, I had a good idea of what to do. I gassed up the cars, I bought extra water, I kept my kids safe.
I was fortunate. Two very large trees came down in the backyard of a neighboring house (it's abandoned), but other than destroying a weight-bench and pinning a rattletrap fence, no damage was done. No more than fifty yards to the north, a tree too big for me to put my arms around pulled loose and fell on top of a car and house, ripping several high-line wires with it. Three sides of my block lost power, but my power just blinked long enough to reset the microwave.
The shopping district around the corner was without power for over a week. I lost cable - which means no internet - for five days (I'm such an addict). My kids were out of school because their school was under water.
I had kept informed of the storm's movements, and I knew it was going to be a bad one. Like I said, I've spent most of my adult life around the ocean and I've been through half a dozen tropic storms and/or hurricanes. It is crazy to move closer to the path of such a storm. But my kids were in the path of that storm - and no matter what happened, I was going to be with them.
That's what love does. It moves you to bear the unbearable. It makes you forget what is best for you...or, more precisely, it redefines what is best for you. That day, what was best for me was being with my children. No matter what.
So it is that my love for Mistress continues to redefine me, too. When we met, we had long talks about what we wanted from a relationship. One of the things that I told Her was that I didn't enjoy pain, and I didn't want to be with someone who would enjoy hurting me. I was sure of it.
It has been a great surprise to me to discover that I am, in fact, a bit of a masochist. I'm not really sure when I figured it out, but She has hurt me from the first time we were together - small ways at first, and then larger and more exciting ways. But it is not something that I'm always at ease with.
This desire, new and unfamiliar, throbs to life at odd times. At times, I almost ache for the experience of Her inflicting pain on me. So much so that the pain itself is nearly a relief. At other times, all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to lie before Her, purposefully helpless, and let Her desires take Her where She wants. Of course, not being able to hear Her desires in my head, my thoughts fill in the blanks with numerous fantasies...not all of which are even possible.
As much as I want Her to hurt me, and as much as I enjoy it, it also scares me, and on a couple of levels. First of all, it's a bit scary just wanting to be hurt. It kind of goes against human nature. Like most people, I tend to avoid things that hurt me. So it's rather puzzling to suddenly want to be hurt, and especially by someone who loves me so well.
On another level, though, it scares me because I want it so much. When I met Her, Mistress had another pet, one that also enjoyed being hurt. In fact, he wanted it so much that it turned Her off. That wasn't what ended things between them, but it was a part of what led to it. I guess I'm just insecure enough to fear losing someone I love to something we enjoy. I really don't know what my limits are, and I don't know what Hers are. I trust Her to take me where I need to be and to get me safely back, but I don't want to push Her to take me there too often, or too deeply.
That, I suppose, is the final level of fear. My family has wrestled with addictions for several generations, and I've seen men destroyed by their pleasures - drawn again and again to a trough of their own destruction long after it ceased to offer any pleasure. I fear that I could lose myself to my desire. I fear that my desire to be hurt could come unharnessed and wreak havoc.
It's sort of like driving into the teeth of a hurricane - it doesn't make sense to mess with something that holds such promise and threat. But love changes a person. Love makes it worth facing the threat in order to reach for the promise, because threats don't always materialize. And love...love is always worth reaching for.
For the love
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Storms and Hurtie Stuff
Sorry for the long delay between posts! Sometime LIFE just gets in the way...
Things continue to be real and normal with Myself and My sweet tomio. And by normal and real, I mean we had a hurricane. Sigh. New England never used to have hurricanes, and this is two in a row, one each October.
I faired fine here in MA with only flickering lights and annoyance with the terror the news media was trying to cause. My sweetness was still very lucky, but not as lucky as Me. Being that he is in NJ, he did have effects of it. His kids were out of school for a week and a half, and his cable and internet were out. He had electricity, but his cell phone did not always work, and even when he appeared to have signal, texts would not go through for hours then they would all hit at once. It made me crazy. It made him crazy. There was craziness, and it sucked.
The odd thing was that the weekend BEFORE the Monday night hurricane was our weekend together. It was a great weekend in our favorite hotel. We cooked meals together (ok he cooked meals naked and I made raunchy comments, grabbed his various bits, bit, licked, nibbled on him...) and then Saturday afternoon, the hotel slid a notice under our door. "Hurricane Warning, be scared, flee, warning warning." It sort of put a damper on things because I started to worry. The damper was minor and there was still plenty of kinkery and a lot of WOOHOO, but it was there... in the back of my mind. The "what if a tree falls on my sweetness"... sort of thing.
The thing is, control freaks hate storms, because they cannot be controlled. The million "what-ifs" in my head were swirling and crazy. Part of me wants to blame the media. But the problem is that SO many people WERE badly affected by the storm, that it was good they were warning people. However. I heard a news report the Friday before that said "the storm will either be a direct hit, be a glancing blow, or miss us entirely." Wow. Thanks for that. With all of the technology and power, the reality was that they just did not really know until just before it hit.
Ok so We got through it and everything is fine again. I was able to talk to him a bit every day, and in the end it was all ok. Thankfully.
So the other thing I wanted to blog about is pain. Now we have discussed the fact that I am not a sadist. I do like SOME things that are a bit hurtie: The crop, biting, spanking... The littler stuff-- and sometimes we do a lot of hurtie things so it lasts a while. During the last visit, after the storm, My sweetness looked up at Me, with big brown eyes. His forehead creased with concern. "Mistress, is it OK that I like that you hurt me?" At first I did not know what to say. Where was this coming from? So I thought for a minute, as I cuddled him to my chest. And then I remembered. I had a pet who was a pain whore. He wanted more, more, more and he wanted more than I was comfortable with. It did not work out with Us, because Our kinks did not match. Sweetness was worried that he could become a pain whore and it would turn Me off! I chuckled and reassured him that he was no pain whore, nor would he ever be. He liked a little pain, but not a huge amount. It was just the right level for Us both. I felt him relax against Me. Then, with a grin, I said, "Besides My love... You do what I tell you to, and We do what pleases Me." We laughed. I spanked him again, and then I made love to him. It's what we do. And We LOVE it, and each other!
Things continue to be real and normal with Myself and My sweet tomio. And by normal and real, I mean we had a hurricane. Sigh. New England never used to have hurricanes, and this is two in a row, one each October.
I faired fine here in MA with only flickering lights and annoyance with the terror the news media was trying to cause. My sweetness was still very lucky, but not as lucky as Me. Being that he is in NJ, he did have effects of it. His kids were out of school for a week and a half, and his cable and internet were out. He had electricity, but his cell phone did not always work, and even when he appeared to have signal, texts would not go through for hours then they would all hit at once. It made me crazy. It made him crazy. There was craziness, and it sucked.
The odd thing was that the weekend BEFORE the Monday night hurricane was our weekend together. It was a great weekend in our favorite hotel. We cooked meals together (ok he cooked meals naked and I made raunchy comments, grabbed his various bits, bit, licked, nibbled on him...) and then Saturday afternoon, the hotel slid a notice under our door. "Hurricane Warning, be scared, flee, warning warning." It sort of put a damper on things because I started to worry. The damper was minor and there was still plenty of kinkery and a lot of WOOHOO, but it was there... in the back of my mind. The "what if a tree falls on my sweetness"... sort of thing.
The thing is, control freaks hate storms, because they cannot be controlled. The million "what-ifs" in my head were swirling and crazy. Part of me wants to blame the media. But the problem is that SO many people WERE badly affected by the storm, that it was good they were warning people. However. I heard a news report the Friday before that said "the storm will either be a direct hit, be a glancing blow, or miss us entirely." Wow. Thanks for that. With all of the technology and power, the reality was that they just did not really know until just before it hit.
Ok so We got through it and everything is fine again. I was able to talk to him a bit every day, and in the end it was all ok. Thankfully.
So the other thing I wanted to blog about is pain. Now we have discussed the fact that I am not a sadist. I do like SOME things that are a bit hurtie: The crop, biting, spanking... The littler stuff-- and sometimes we do a lot of hurtie things so it lasts a while. During the last visit, after the storm, My sweetness looked up at Me, with big brown eyes. His forehead creased with concern. "Mistress, is it OK that I like that you hurt me?" At first I did not know what to say. Where was this coming from? So I thought for a minute, as I cuddled him to my chest. And then I remembered. I had a pet who was a pain whore. He wanted more, more, more and he wanted more than I was comfortable with. It did not work out with Us, because Our kinks did not match. Sweetness was worried that he could become a pain whore and it would turn Me off! I chuckled and reassured him that he was no pain whore, nor would he ever be. He liked a little pain, but not a huge amount. It was just the right level for Us both. I felt him relax against Me. Then, with a grin, I said, "Besides My love... You do what I tell you to, and We do what pleases Me." We laughed. I spanked him again, and then I made love to him. It's what we do. And We LOVE it, and each other!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
All of me, All of You
As Mistress wrote in Her post, our time together for our last visit was wonderful. As seems typical, it was not what either of us seemed to anticipate, but when the weekend was done, it was exactly what both of us needed. It was kind of amusing to me to hear Her wistfully apologize for a lack of kink. Once I reminded Her of some of the things we did together, She realized there was no need to apologize - even if She had been correct in Her assessment.
So, what happened? Well, for one thing: There just isn't enough time to fit in everything that we want to do (so we focus on what we need). This means there is always some activity that has been left out of our lineup, and it can be easy to miss it. If you go to a buffett expecting fried chicken and they have everything but fried chicken; then you will likely go away filled, but you will still miss the fried chicken that you initially wanted. It doesn't mean the buffett was inferior in any way. It just means that you are human and our desires truly are infinite.
For another thing, neither of us feels particularly kinky when we are enjoying each other. The menu of activities assuredly fall in the realm of BDSM/kink. But we are simply being authentic with each other. We are just us.
Every person has to manage several roles they present to the world. You are the same person at work and at home, but in one place you are an employee and in the other you might be a parent. Those roles demand different behaviors. Our responsibilities require that we put off things we want and that we prioritize our needs. Mistress and I didn't have to do that when we were together because we walled off the world and just concentrated on each other. When we did that, time seemed to crawl by, allowing us to milk the most out of each moment. Oddly, when we were done, the time seemed to have passed all too quickly.
Athletes call this "being in the zone." The only other way I've experienced it is when I'm writing, playing music, or when I'm repairing a mechanical device. It's a nearly addictive state of being. It feeds your soul and consumes it completely. It's why I immediately know that I enjoyed our time together, but it takes a few moments for my memories to access the details. In effect, it doesn't matter what we did, it just matters that we did it together (this, incidentally, is why I think it is so hard to be apart, too). It is also what allows us to not worry about straying into non-BDSM/kinky territory. We can play Scrabble or watch TV. We can go shopping, or we can read poetry to each other. It isn't because we have had enough of the kink and we need a break (um...I don't think that's possible). It's that being wrapped into each other allows me to enjoy the authentic entire person that Mistress Delila really is. She has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything but the kinky/BDSM stuff...but she also has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything that is kinky/BDSM stuff. She isn't a cardboard cutout Mistress - She's a real person.
And I love all of Her.
So, what happened? Well, for one thing: There just isn't enough time to fit in everything that we want to do (so we focus on what we need). This means there is always some activity that has been left out of our lineup, and it can be easy to miss it. If you go to a buffett expecting fried chicken and they have everything but fried chicken; then you will likely go away filled, but you will still miss the fried chicken that you initially wanted. It doesn't mean the buffett was inferior in any way. It just means that you are human and our desires truly are infinite.
For another thing, neither of us feels particularly kinky when we are enjoying each other. The menu of activities assuredly fall in the realm of BDSM/kink. But we are simply being authentic with each other. We are just us.
Every person has to manage several roles they present to the world. You are the same person at work and at home, but in one place you are an employee and in the other you might be a parent. Those roles demand different behaviors. Our responsibilities require that we put off things we want and that we prioritize our needs. Mistress and I didn't have to do that when we were together because we walled off the world and just concentrated on each other. When we did that, time seemed to crawl by, allowing us to milk the most out of each moment. Oddly, when we were done, the time seemed to have passed all too quickly.
Athletes call this "being in the zone." The only other way I've experienced it is when I'm writing, playing music, or when I'm repairing a mechanical device. It's a nearly addictive state of being. It feeds your soul and consumes it completely. It's why I immediately know that I enjoyed our time together, but it takes a few moments for my memories to access the details. In effect, it doesn't matter what we did, it just matters that we did it together (this, incidentally, is why I think it is so hard to be apart, too). It is also what allows us to not worry about straying into non-BDSM/kinky territory. We can play Scrabble or watch TV. We can go shopping, or we can read poetry to each other. It isn't because we have had enough of the kink and we need a break (um...I don't think that's possible). It's that being wrapped into each other allows me to enjoy the authentic entire person that Mistress Delila really is. She has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything but the kinky/BDSM stuff...but she also has interests and desires and needs that can't be met by anything that is kinky/BDSM stuff. She isn't a cardboard cutout Mistress - She's a real person.
And I love all of Her.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Life Beyond The Kink
Most of you know that My tomio and I do not live together at this time. It is difficult because our relationship is so much more than The Kink. There are a lot of D/s couples who have only The Kink and that's cool too. Our relationship started as Kink and became so much more. So as it turned out, life circumstances (it has been a difficult time!) had kept us apart for an extended period of time. While we talk multiple times a day, the skin contact is something that we both need, and without that, we both suffer.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
So this weekend, we finally got to be together again. It was wonderful, it was heaven and it was more than just the kinky fuckery! After such an absence I was not sure what My most urgent needs would be. There was so much I WANTED to do, but what first and when and how much?
As usually happens, We settled into exactly what We both needed. After the time apart, the aching and the hunger, what We needed most was simple contact time: being together, touching skin, holding hands, laughing, cuddling, and just being together. Oh don't get me wrong, the dominance never gets pushed aside. It is our relationship, in and out of the bedroom. So for this weekend, he did the grocery shopping, cooked for Me (wearing only his collar-- the cooking, not the shopping! What is the matter with you people? hehehehe), washed the dishes, and basically made himself available for whatever I needed (a back rub, a pedicure, quiet time...) Oh and this weekend, for the first time in our relationship, We watched TV! It felt so normal, and relaxed and peaceful. I am not a big TV person. I watch very little actually, but to lay in bed, skin on skin and to veg out in front of the TV...well...it was just SO right! It was a two day slice of paradise. The escape felt so good, that I actually slept through the night without waking to attack him in the middle of the night! That was a bit sad, because some of My best wickedness happens at 5am, but when a body has needs, there is no arguing with it.
There was time for the kinky stuff too, it was not all cuddles and rainbows, that would truly not be us either... However a bulk of the time was just reconnecting, enjoying and Me taking the time I needed to de-stress. (There has been a lot of painful, exhausting and worrisome things in My world lately, and the stress was taking its toll.)
My initial problem was that I had this imagined pressure in My head, telling Me that he was going to expect a certain level of kinkiness and that I need to be sure that I feed his needs. The truth of the matter is that My tomio is a submissive, and though he has needs, one of his greatest need is to make sure that I am happy. This may sound like fabricated stereotypical-porn-shit, I know it does. But its not part of the play, not part of the roles, its Us, as a couple. This is what makes Me understand how real We really are: there is no pressure, no expectations and My body always gets what it needs. I know that our connection and My control allows Me to reach down, tug his collar and he gives Me what I need. No discussion, no misunderstandings, he just does as directed, often without words. That power is so healthy and right for Me. Not only is it Okay for Me to have needs, but resolving My needs feeds him in so many ways. I don't have to ask if his needs are being met, because I can see it and feel it in him. He does not complain about having to wash dishes, he just does it and My inner Control Freak does handsprings at not having to tell him to do it.
I look at the past, remember My unhappiness, and My confusion about it. I think about the times when things should have been happy, but they were not. It was only when I took control of My own life again, when I gave Myself permission to be in control...only then did My life get happy again!
At the end of the weekend, I said "OH MY GOD we did not get kinky!" He blinked and looked at Me. "What about XXX?" Ok, "and XYZ?" Um yeah, oh and "XOX?" Oh yeah, hehe, that was kinky too. OK... WHEW! That was a close one! Ok, not really, but it was that point at which I realized that the normal of part of our relationship will always be kinky. Its so normal that it just did not feel kinky... (wicked grin) but Oh was it ever! (EVIL LAUGH)
So what happened what just what we needed to happen. It always works out that way! Even when I make all sorts of plans, plan out some "scenes" as some call them, we always end up just doing what comes naturally and it always ends up being just what We need. It just feels natural. There are times with the kinky fuckery is not the primary activity, and not the primary need. At those times, We need to be able to reach in the vanilla world and find the little joys that feed more than the loins. I like it. It makes Me happy.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I don't call it kink...because it's normal for me
Which way is it: You discover the world around you and learn language to describe it; or you learn language that allows you to define the world around you? In other words, is the world neutral and experienced universally? Or is it our language that allows us to understand our environment?
According to the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, it is our language that allows us to understand the world around us. Language is so embedded in our consciousness that it is virtually impossible to think of anything and not put a name to it. In fact, one of the reasons why people often struggle with abstract artwork is that it cannot be adequately described as a thing...it is a concoction of colors or angles or whatever. We need a name for a thing to be able to adequately place it in our mind and manipulate it.
Obviously, things exist prior to our linguistic education. If you didn't know the word for "tree" there would still be millions of trees. But to you, they would just be "things that come up from the ground and make shade." If you wanted to give directions, you'd tell someone "Go down to that big thing sticking up from the ground that makes a lot of shade and turn left." Perhaps they would understand what you meant, but perhaps they would think you meant a building or a street sign or a swing-set.
Once you understand "tree," however, things are different. You can not only differentiate between what is tree and what is not tree, but what different types of trees have in common and how they vary. You could even become a tree expert, and pontificate about the proper uses of trees. You might even become the Lorax, and speak for the trees, the trees, the Truffula trees.
It wouldn't change the nature of the tree one bit. Being called a tree or a birch or an elm or whatever - even if it is a misnaming - doesn't have any impact at all. From the tree's perspective (if it has one - let's say it does), it is just being what it has always been.
So I can say that I am a submissive man with slightly masochistic tendencies. I believe I always have been, but I didn't have the terminology to describe it properly for quite a long time. Even when I gained the terminology, I misnamed myself. But now I know who and what I am and I'm comfortable with it - but to me, it is simply normal. This is how I am. Only the names have changed.
There are a lot of reasons why I misidentified my sexual identity. For one thing, I grew up in a household where sex, of any kind, just wasn't discussed. It was a dirty, filthy, disgusting act that should be saved for the one I loved more than anyone in the universe (except Jesus, of course, who, presumably, got sad when I got an erection, and burst into sobs of grief when I orgasmed).
Even when I got away from that thinking, I was still caught up in the traditional role processes of what is good and proper for a male. So...come up with three good examples of a submissive man in literature, movies, or popular culture where the man is also strong, kind, and fully capable of handling life (Sorry - the "knights of old" weren't submissive to women...they typically swore allegiance to a man, and women were simply property. I'm also going to say that "being a gentleman" is not enough to qualify as "submissive" because manners does not equal orientation.)
So I stumbled into BDSM through porn...where submissive men are simply not portrayed as anything to which I'd aspire to. Part of the problem, of course, is that porn is basically meant to provide visual and auditory stimulation so a person can have an orgasm. It isn't meant to have a plot (other than to explain why these people discovered each other) and it doesn't delve into the contextual complexities that real-live relationships have to (this is as true of "vanilla" porn as it is of BDSM, too).
The upshot of this is that while I now know the lingo to describe my orientation and desires, that language merely describes me; it does not define me. So people with whom I have relationships with where displaying submissiveness would be inappropriate simply have no clue that I am submissive. Why would they? Before I knew I am "kinky" I didn't tell my friends and family when and how I had sex...why would I do that now? I didn't go to sexy parties before I learned the lingo, so why would I go now?
I write about being a submissive man because I realize there are something like seven billion people on earth, and if only one percent of them are submissive males; then there are at least seventy million submissive men out there. From what I can tell, there are precious few role models for them to draw on. There are too many self-destructive paths. Maybe a few of those seventy million will page through Google far enough to find this and say, "Hey, that's the lingo I've been looking for! I'm not a total freak and an asshole and a threat to those around me!"
Because, you see, it isn't a question of being both "kinky" and "normal" - at least not to me. It's a realization that kinky IS normal...and that doesn't change a thing.
According to the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, it is our language that allows us to understand the world around us. Language is so embedded in our consciousness that it is virtually impossible to think of anything and not put a name to it. In fact, one of the reasons why people often struggle with abstract artwork is that it cannot be adequately described as a thing...it is a concoction of colors or angles or whatever. We need a name for a thing to be able to adequately place it in our mind and manipulate it.
Obviously, things exist prior to our linguistic education. If you didn't know the word for "tree" there would still be millions of trees. But to you, they would just be "things that come up from the ground and make shade." If you wanted to give directions, you'd tell someone "Go down to that big thing sticking up from the ground that makes a lot of shade and turn left." Perhaps they would understand what you meant, but perhaps they would think you meant a building or a street sign or a swing-set.
Once you understand "tree," however, things are different. You can not only differentiate between what is tree and what is not tree, but what different types of trees have in common and how they vary. You could even become a tree expert, and pontificate about the proper uses of trees. You might even become the Lorax, and speak for the trees, the trees, the Truffula trees.
It wouldn't change the nature of the tree one bit. Being called a tree or a birch or an elm or whatever - even if it is a misnaming - doesn't have any impact at all. From the tree's perspective (if it has one - let's say it does), it is just being what it has always been.
So I can say that I am a submissive man with slightly masochistic tendencies. I believe I always have been, but I didn't have the terminology to describe it properly for quite a long time. Even when I gained the terminology, I misnamed myself. But now I know who and what I am and I'm comfortable with it - but to me, it is simply normal. This is how I am. Only the names have changed.
There are a lot of reasons why I misidentified my sexual identity. For one thing, I grew up in a household where sex, of any kind, just wasn't discussed. It was a dirty, filthy, disgusting act that should be saved for the one I loved more than anyone in the universe (except Jesus, of course, who, presumably, got sad when I got an erection, and burst into sobs of grief when I orgasmed).
Even when I got away from that thinking, I was still caught up in the traditional role processes of what is good and proper for a male. So...come up with three good examples of a submissive man in literature, movies, or popular culture where the man is also strong, kind, and fully capable of handling life (Sorry - the "knights of old" weren't submissive to women...they typically swore allegiance to a man, and women were simply property. I'm also going to say that "being a gentleman" is not enough to qualify as "submissive" because manners does not equal orientation.)
So I stumbled into BDSM through porn...where submissive men are simply not portrayed as anything to which I'd aspire to. Part of the problem, of course, is that porn is basically meant to provide visual and auditory stimulation so a person can have an orgasm. It isn't meant to have a plot (other than to explain why these people discovered each other) and it doesn't delve into the contextual complexities that real-live relationships have to (this is as true of "vanilla" porn as it is of BDSM, too).
The upshot of this is that while I now know the lingo to describe my orientation and desires, that language merely describes me; it does not define me. So people with whom I have relationships with where displaying submissiveness would be inappropriate simply have no clue that I am submissive. Why would they? Before I knew I am "kinky" I didn't tell my friends and family when and how I had sex...why would I do that now? I didn't go to sexy parties before I learned the lingo, so why would I go now?
I write about being a submissive man because I realize there are something like seven billion people on earth, and if only one percent of them are submissive males; then there are at least seventy million submissive men out there. From what I can tell, there are precious few role models for them to draw on. There are too many self-destructive paths. Maybe a few of those seventy million will page through Google far enough to find this and say, "Hey, that's the lingo I've been looking for! I'm not a total freak and an asshole and a threat to those around me!"
Because, you see, it isn't a question of being both "kinky" and "normal" - at least not to me. It's a realization that kinky IS normal...and that doesn't change a thing.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Kinky AND normal? You bet!
OK here's the thing... I am a Dominant women, but I live in a vanilla world.
Don't get me wrong, I love the vanilla world and I LOVE that I can blend into it so easily. It makes me feel like Diana Prince. NO Not Princess Di... Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's Secret Identity. (Yes I had to look it up too!) I was going to say Bruce Wayne, but that confuses gender issues and I am NOT going there. I am all woman, big boobs, big hips, big attitude...
Yes you guessed it, I am moderately aggressive, demanding, opinionated, difficult, stubborn and when I get pissed off, it takes a while for Me to come back down. But I am not always a bitch. I am actually very generous, sweet, loving and amusing. I can assure you that if I walked up to any member of My social circles and said, "I am a Sensual Dominant, involved in a long term BDSM relationship." They would check me for a fever then laugh themselves silly.
This is a good thing. Its not that I am in the proverbial closet (OMG the shoe closet would be an awesome place to be!) its just that I have decided that My life outside the BDSM world is good, stable and sane and there is no reason to rock the boat. I like be liked (or disliked) for being Myself, not because of someone's preconceived notion of what Domination is.
Every morning at the gym, I watch TV while I work out. Most of the time I get hooked on crime shows. I have been shocked, again and again, how many people are SUSPECTS because of their BDSM connection. Most are proven to be unconnected to the crime, but sadly, quite a few of them turn out to be psychos.
There is a certain level of suspicion and distrust of people that are outside the realm of normal. Not only do I not want to be seen as an outsider, but I don't think that My sexuality needs to be on display. I don't feel that others could trust Me as a kind, generous and loving person if they knew I like to tie up My lover and ass fuck him with a sparkly purple strap-on until he can't form sentences. LMAO!!
There is this odd and unfair stereotype that would make family members distrust Me with their children and spouses... I mean its not like I can say, "Mom, you should see how sexy My lover is, when he is collared and kneeling in front of Me!" LMAO But I also would not say "Mom you should see how sexy My lover is in his plaid jammies, and the missionary sex is amazing!" The point of all of this is that it is not necessary to have My sexuality on display in any form. It is not relevant to My life outside of My relationship and I like My privacy.
But what about the blog,you say? Well... The point of this blog is to help people realize that they CAN be kinky and wicked and still be normal, regular people! Not only that, but kinky and wicked can be loving, caring, gentle and passionate. The softer side, the Sensual Domination side of The Kink does not get enough air time! No one talks about the cuddling and kissing and loving service, because its just not as crazy and exciting as a bound man being required to paint his Mistress's toenails holding the brush between his teeth to avoid a beating. Yes this is the bullshit I read about, and the morons go nuts for it! By the way, the above mentioned activity is a complete fantasy and is not physically possible, unless you want your whole friggin foot spotted with polish, in which case, you are... a dope. Sometimes people are idiots, and idiots don't even make up good fantasies.
Instead of such nonsense, I do various dark and dirty things to (and with) My sweetness, then I hold and cuddle him. We kiss, snuggle, laugh, take long hot showers. He has recently started "snuffling" Me. He crams his nose into My neck, behind My ear and loudly and dramatically snuffs, sniffs and inhales. Its silly and ridiculous and it makes Me laugh out loud, so I love it! The we do "normal things" that allow us to be seen, out in the world. We shop, eat out, walk hand in hand, go to the car wash.... We just do regular things, but with a little extra love, because We can, and because, as his Dominant... I insist on it. (GRINS)
Go ahead, take a chance, taste the kink...you can relax in knowing that its your own private little world, and no one else needs to know how delicious it is!
Don't get me wrong, I love the vanilla world and I LOVE that I can blend into it so easily. It makes me feel like Diana Prince. NO Not Princess Di... Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's Secret Identity. (Yes I had to look it up too!) I was going to say Bruce Wayne, but that confuses gender issues and I am NOT going there. I am all woman, big boobs, big hips, big attitude...
Yes you guessed it, I am moderately aggressive, demanding, opinionated, difficult, stubborn and when I get pissed off, it takes a while for Me to come back down. But I am not always a bitch. I am actually very generous, sweet, loving and amusing. I can assure you that if I walked up to any member of My social circles and said, "I am a Sensual Dominant, involved in a long term BDSM relationship." They would check me for a fever then laugh themselves silly.
This is a good thing. Its not that I am in the proverbial closet (OMG the shoe closet would be an awesome place to be!) its just that I have decided that My life outside the BDSM world is good, stable and sane and there is no reason to rock the boat. I like be liked (or disliked) for being Myself, not because of someone's preconceived notion of what Domination is.
Every morning at the gym, I watch TV while I work out. Most of the time I get hooked on crime shows. I have been shocked, again and again, how many people are SUSPECTS because of their BDSM connection. Most are proven to be unconnected to the crime, but sadly, quite a few of them turn out to be psychos.
There is a certain level of suspicion and distrust of people that are outside the realm of normal. Not only do I not want to be seen as an outsider, but I don't think that My sexuality needs to be on display. I don't feel that others could trust Me as a kind, generous and loving person if they knew I like to tie up My lover and ass fuck him with a sparkly purple strap-on until he can't form sentences. LMAO!!
There is this odd and unfair stereotype that would make family members distrust Me with their children and spouses... I mean its not like I can say, "Mom, you should see how sexy My lover is, when he is collared and kneeling in front of Me!" LMAO But I also would not say "Mom you should see how sexy My lover is in his plaid jammies, and the missionary sex is amazing!" The point of all of this is that it is not necessary to have My sexuality on display in any form. It is not relevant to My life outside of My relationship and I like My privacy.
But what about the blog,you say? Well... The point of this blog is to help people realize that they CAN be kinky and wicked and still be normal, regular people! Not only that, but kinky and wicked can be loving, caring, gentle and passionate. The softer side, the Sensual Domination side of The Kink does not get enough air time! No one talks about the cuddling and kissing and loving service, because its just not as crazy and exciting as a bound man being required to paint his Mistress's toenails holding the brush between his teeth to avoid a beating. Yes this is the bullshit I read about, and the morons go nuts for it! By the way, the above mentioned activity is a complete fantasy and is not physically possible, unless you want your whole friggin foot spotted with polish, in which case, you are... a dope. Sometimes people are idiots, and idiots don't even make up good fantasies.
Instead of such nonsense, I do various dark and dirty things to (and with) My sweetness, then I hold and cuddle him. We kiss, snuggle, laugh, take long hot showers. He has recently started "snuffling" Me. He crams his nose into My neck, behind My ear and loudly and dramatically snuffs, sniffs and inhales. Its silly and ridiculous and it makes Me laugh out loud, so I love it! The we do "normal things" that allow us to be seen, out in the world. We shop, eat out, walk hand in hand, go to the car wash.... We just do regular things, but with a little extra love, because We can, and because, as his Dominant... I insist on it. (GRINS)
Go ahead, take a chance, taste the kink...you can relax in knowing that its your own private little world, and no one else needs to know how delicious it is!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
50 Shades of "No, Thank You"
I haven't read the books. I made it through maybe five pages and I just couldn't make myself continue. When I first read it, I thought Ana (the virginal main character) was going on a job interview for her sick friend - which is stupid. But as it turns out, it's an interview for the school paper, or some such thing...which is just as stupid. That just isn't the way things work at all - no journalist is going to pass up an interview of a lifetime (which this is supposed to be) and if they HAD to; then they'd pass it back to their editor, who would reassign it. So...no go.
But the truth is, I was LOOKING for a reason to not like the book(s). Partly it is because I absolutely loathe pop culture. My favorite things (music, books, etc) are generally things no one else has heard of. So the worst way to get me to try something is to make a HUGE popular fuss over it. Incidentally, that's also why I absolutely can't stand sports fans...just get over your self already.
So why was I ready to hate the book at first glance?
I can't give a short answer (big surprise, I know). Partly, I think, the answer is jealousy - not of someone having written a book, but that all the fuss was/is being made over a book that features BDSM and it has a - wait for it...wait for it...wait for it - a female submissive. What could possibly be more predictable? Sigh.
Look, I KNOW that a more adventurous set of characters would never have taken off like this did. THAT is the problem. Just the fact that this Dominant Man and submissive woman romance has taken off like this allows the incredibly STUPID idea that M/f is NORMAL and what EVERYONE really wants to not just continue, but rise bubbling up through the subconsciousness of a whole new generation of people. God, it makes me just want to puke.
I'm not saying that M/f is wrong. I know a whole lot of people who are happy with that dynamic. I'm very happy for everyone who finds fulfillment in that arrangement. But all that 50 Shades does for me is cast me as an outsider.
Okay, maybe that isn't such a long explanation after all.
Mistress Delila is right, though - this book potentially could go a long way towards destigmatizing BDSM. Except that, from Mistress's review, it looks like everyone in the story is damaged goods and using BDSM to work through rage and power issues. Not exactly a welcoming idea for those who haven't heard of BDSM before.
Plus, why is it that pain is nothing other than a punishment? In a BDSM book, where an admitted sexual sadist takes center stage, wouldn't it be natural for SOMEONE to actually ENJOY what they are doing? There is so much more to BDSM than just the grim determination to see it through to an orgasm.
I don't identify as a masochist, personally. But after more than a year and a half with Mistress Delila, I have to admit that I have a masochistic streak. There are some kinds of pain that I enjoy at some times. It isn't easy to explain, and I guess that's why an author would resort to such rote stereotypical characterizations. When you can't actually understand what it is you are writing about; then you kind of have to fall back on stereotypes, don't you?
I can't speak for others, but I do not seek any sort of sensation based on my childhood abuse and neglect. Quite the opposite, I sought for many years to feel nothing at all about it. I tried to minimize it and ignore it and pretend it never reared its ugly head. Nor do I need pain to get an erection or have an orgasm (although the combination is intense).
When I submit to Mistress Delila, I am displaying my love for Her. By putting Her needs and desires above my own, I grant Her status above me and authority over me. I have to harness and control my base instincts and sublimate them to Her will. When I kneel and pleasure Her with my mouth, without any thought of reciprocation, I am doing this. But when I feel the sting of the crop across my shoulders during this; it changes things.
She is not simply passively accepting the pleasure I give Her. She is an active participant who is directing my actions. Since She never starts out rough, but rather warms me to Her crop, I know that She is holding me and my well-being first and foremost in Her mind. She is accepting that it is a privilege for me to worship Her in this way, and by granting me pain, She is raising the stakes and demanding that I pay an even higher price for this privilege. It is a price I pay willingly, and if it did not mean interrupting Her pleasure, I would beg Her for more.
This is what has been missing from every discussion of 50 Shades that I have heard...there is not pleasure, no loving, no adoration. It is the power and control and kinky fuckery that I crave, but it is bereft of any redeeming emotional investment. In the absence of such love and affection, it is simply cruelty with a facade of eroticism.
I've had enough cruelty in my life, no matter what it's wearing. So, thanks, but no thanks. I don't need 50 Shades.
But the truth is, I was LOOKING for a reason to not like the book(s). Partly it is because I absolutely loathe pop culture. My favorite things (music, books, etc) are generally things no one else has heard of. So the worst way to get me to try something is to make a HUGE popular fuss over it. Incidentally, that's also why I absolutely can't stand sports fans...just get over your self already.
So why was I ready to hate the book at first glance?
I can't give a short answer (big surprise, I know). Partly, I think, the answer is jealousy - not of someone having written a book, but that all the fuss was/is being made over a book that features BDSM and it has a - wait for it...wait for it...wait for it - a female submissive. What could possibly be more predictable? Sigh.
Look, I KNOW that a more adventurous set of characters would never have taken off like this did. THAT is the problem. Just the fact that this Dominant Man and submissive woman romance has taken off like this allows the incredibly STUPID idea that M/f is NORMAL and what EVERYONE really wants to not just continue, but rise bubbling up through the subconsciousness of a whole new generation of people. God, it makes me just want to puke.
I'm not saying that M/f is wrong. I know a whole lot of people who are happy with that dynamic. I'm very happy for everyone who finds fulfillment in that arrangement. But all that 50 Shades does for me is cast me as an outsider.
Okay, maybe that isn't such a long explanation after all.
Mistress Delila is right, though - this book potentially could go a long way towards destigmatizing BDSM. Except that, from Mistress's review, it looks like everyone in the story is damaged goods and using BDSM to work through rage and power issues. Not exactly a welcoming idea for those who haven't heard of BDSM before.
Plus, why is it that pain is nothing other than a punishment? In a BDSM book, where an admitted sexual sadist takes center stage, wouldn't it be natural for SOMEONE to actually ENJOY what they are doing? There is so much more to BDSM than just the grim determination to see it through to an orgasm.
I don't identify as a masochist, personally. But after more than a year and a half with Mistress Delila, I have to admit that I have a masochistic streak. There are some kinds of pain that I enjoy at some times. It isn't easy to explain, and I guess that's why an author would resort to such rote stereotypical characterizations. When you can't actually understand what it is you are writing about; then you kind of have to fall back on stereotypes, don't you?
I can't speak for others, but I do not seek any sort of sensation based on my childhood abuse and neglect. Quite the opposite, I sought for many years to feel nothing at all about it. I tried to minimize it and ignore it and pretend it never reared its ugly head. Nor do I need pain to get an erection or have an orgasm (although the combination is intense).
When I submit to Mistress Delila, I am displaying my love for Her. By putting Her needs and desires above my own, I grant Her status above me and authority over me. I have to harness and control my base instincts and sublimate them to Her will. When I kneel and pleasure Her with my mouth, without any thought of reciprocation, I am doing this. But when I feel the sting of the crop across my shoulders during this; it changes things.
She is not simply passively accepting the pleasure I give Her. She is an active participant who is directing my actions. Since She never starts out rough, but rather warms me to Her crop, I know that She is holding me and my well-being first and foremost in Her mind. She is accepting that it is a privilege for me to worship Her in this way, and by granting me pain, She is raising the stakes and demanding that I pay an even higher price for this privilege. It is a price I pay willingly, and if it did not mean interrupting Her pleasure, I would beg Her for more.
This is what has been missing from every discussion of 50 Shades that I have heard...there is not pleasure, no loving, no adoration. It is the power and control and kinky fuckery that I crave, but it is bereft of any redeeming emotional investment. In the absence of such love and affection, it is simply cruelty with a facade of eroticism.
I've had enough cruelty in my life, no matter what it's wearing. So, thanks, but no thanks. I don't need 50 Shades.
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