Hello All!
I have been remiss in keeping up with My posts. But there is a good reason for it...spring came early to New England, and I am a gardener. GASP! WHAT?? You read it right. I actually have other interests in life than the D/s world! (opens the door for those who are trying to flee the bursting fantasy bubble.) Before you all panic, I am NOT going to turn this into a garden blog. Dominance and the garden do not mix other than in a few fantasy stories I have written...
So, its raining, and I am blogging!
The topic yet to be finished is Romance and Domination. GASP (again?) Can they co-exist?? No? But but but...OF COURSE they can! Don't be silly.
Of course there is plenty of kink in a Sensual Dominant relationship, don't worry yourself about that. However there are things that lack kink and are just about the loving side. Romance is just part of it.
"Mistress, I am sorry I was not able to make this a romantic weekend like you had hoped for..." When the words came out of his mouth, I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
"What do you mean, My sweetness?" I asked... figuring I had not heard him right.
"I mean I don't know how to be romantic and still be submissive..." Eyebrows knit. Blink. Blink.
"What are you talking about?" (looks for hidden cameras) When I realized he was serious, I was baffled. I had felt very loved and had enjoyed the feeling of romance all weekend. When I arrived, he rushed out to greet Me and because he was standing by the car door, I had to roll down the window. As soon as I hit the button, he was leaning in the window, professing his love and kissing Me. Yes it is true that My sweetness (tomio) frequently tries to fling himself through My car window when I arrive. It's become part of the ritual to remind him to wait until the car comes to a complete stop, and keep his hands and arms out of the vehicle until it is safe to do otherwise. I truly love that he is so happy to see Me when I arrive. The next step is the smothering kisses that are plastered all over any exposed part part of My body, hands, arms, neck, face, head... KISSING??? In Domination? are you crazy? Yes, yes We are, crazy about each other.
His love for Me is truly romantic. Not because I demand it, but because it is given so willingly. When he kneels with lotion in hand and rubs My sore feet, its like a gift from heaven. Again, I don't ASK for him to rub My feet, he does,because I mentioned at some point that My feet hurt and he works to relieve My discomfort. The thing I had to explain to him is this: If I had said "rub My feet." and he does, it is not romantic, its service. But when he hears Me say My feet hurt, the night before, or somewhere in the chat on the ride to meet, and THEN he decides to rub My feet, it is a loving gesture and is romantic.
His fear is that he was leading, because he was not asked to do so. I had to laugh, because My personality does not really allow for leading... it just does not happen. Taking the initiative to rub My sore feet with the unscented lotion he bought just for Me is not leading, especially when I am flopped onto the bed, resting from the long ride. Its more a matter of attending to unspoken needs, and that is a wonderful gift!
One of the last times that we were together, I was physically and emotionally drained and STARVING. I told him somewhat jokingly that what I needed was cuddling, kissing and quiet. At first he was not sure what to make of it. You need to understand that My sweetness is always waiting for instructions, because he wants to please Me. At first he was unsure of how to proceed. He shuffled his feet a bit then We got his collar on, he relaxed. We ate the take-out food that I had brought with Me, and then We crashed. Ok to be clear...I crashed and he caught Me. I laid My head on his chest, My skin against his and I just soaked in the quiet, calm, loving space that We had created. We did not talk at first, and We did not play. We cuddled and snuggled and just soaked each other in. It was perfect, because it was what I needed, and after he let the expectation go, it turns out it was what he needed as well. When I say expectation, I am referring to the pile of needs that build up between our visits. I often spend the first part of our visit contemplating need, Mine and his.
The truth of our relationship is that Mistress (ME!) gets what she wants first. He gets is pleasure from My pleasure. This needs to be clarified however. It is NOT that his needs are not met, because they are never forgotten and never left unfulfilled. However, My needs are first and feeding My needs usually feeds his needs as well.
At some point in our heavy cuddling weekend, I had an attack of guilt. Was he getting his needs met? Was there enough of the other stuff to feed him as well? I looked down at his face. He was the picture of contentment. There were no furrows in his brow. His face was peaceful, his closed eyes had those happy crinkles in the corners and the corners of his mouth were were turned up in a natural, unforced, unpracticed grin. He actually looked almost smug.
"Are you happy My love?" I asked with a soft, sultry voice. It took a moment for his eyes to focus under their heavy lids.
"Divinely happy my love." Then he cuddled Me in closer and we dozed for a bit.
While I slept I contemplated it all. Could Mistress still call herself a Mistress when the only service she requested was snuggling and cuddling? PPFFFFFFFT! Um Duh! Yes yes she could, because it was about meeting of needs, and that is the basis of all human interactions. Needs must be met for people to be happy.
One of the things that I am constantly aware of in the realm of the needs of My sweetness is something We call his "touch batteries." He has a strong need for contact, skin to skin, and without enough touch, he is not happy. Part of the after-care that he requires (not because he demands it, but because I can see and feel when he needs) is gentle touch. Even the rough, tough and slightly ouchie parts of our relationship are always followed by loving touch. It's all ok when followed by gentle touch. When we have experimented with some of the harder things, needle play for example, there is always a lot of checking in, loving strokes, gentle words and soft kisses. That balance, and My constant control keeps everything on an even keel and makes Us both blissfully happy.
Just so you folks with hard-core, porn-Domme fantasies are not totally disappointed...there was a LARGE helping of all the good dirty stuff too! Needs come in all different flavors...trust Me (grins wickedly) it was ALL GOOD! LMAO
For the love
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Desire, Romance, and Submission
During a recent conversation, just before our last weekend together, Mistress said that She was craving romance. Immediately, my mind went to all of those trite stereotypes: flowers, candle-lit dinner, poetry, whatever. The problem is: Being submissive, and bending to Her directions sort of means that it is difficult for me to spring such things on Her. And if She were to say, "Okay, be romantic..." - I'm not sure I would know how to obey.
I think this is an issue (in fact I know it is) for many non-BDSM relationships. She craves romance and he is clueless about how to feed that hunger. But with our relationship it was more than that - not only was I clueless, but I also needed permission to act.
Or so I thought.
Talking with Mistress afterwards, I discovered, much to my amazement, that She had felt very romanced during our time together. Apparently, I am much more romantic than I thought (patting myself on the back...). This only served to further confuse me. How could I feed Her need for romance without even being aware of it? Without even trying to?
I put the question out on Twitter, and got back some helpful input. But the best information, of course, came directly from Mistress. I'm sure She will discuss it from Her end, but from my end, it boils down to this: Romance is the experience of loving abandonment put into action.
I always rush outside to meet Mistress when She arrives. In fact, the first time we met, She nearly hit me with Her car because I was actively moving towards Her before She came to a complete stop. But my hunger for Her touch is so great that I simply cannot wait patiently. Greeting Her means touching Her, kissing Her, letting out all of the hunger and the need that I bottle up when I must be away from Her.
Because She can feel how deeply I mean every touch and kiss, this is romantic to Her. And I must say that I can see how having someone nearly running in Your direction just to kiss and touch You would be romantic. But only because I am not doing it to be romantic - if that were it; then it would begin to feel contrived and hollow.
When She arrived, She was exhausted from Her drive. So when She laid down, I rubbed Her feet with lotion. From my perspective, it was simply an act of service that She should not have to ask for. She was tired, and I tended Her. It was a rather mundane act of love. I honestly had no idea what it meant to Her until She brought it up as an example.
Again, I think the point is that it could have been something that She ordered me to do. If She had; then it would have been just as meaningful to me - I would still have been doing it for Her. But because She did not have to order me to do it; then it moves into another realm for Her. Because I did it without being told simply because I knew She would enjoy it, it became an act of love.
Men, too often, confuse "romance" with "desire." Or sometimes, "that silly thing we do to get women's underpants off." Based on my new insight, I don't think romance and (sexual) desire are as intrinsically linked as men believe. Romance is making the other person feel like they are prized above all others. That means it's very unique and personal to both people involved. What's romantic for one person is not for another - or even what is romantic for one person at one time may not be romantic for them at all times. It is both experiential (feeling) and active.
There is, of course, a sexual component to romance - call it "sexual romance." It's that point where the slow dance becomes something more primal. Where the feeling of slipping a strawberry between Her lips becomes sensual and arousing. Where sexual desire is unpent and directed at the only person whose existence matters at that moment. It's where sex becomes the most intimate possible act of love and devotion.
So the issue over how to be romantic and submissive really disappears with this understanding. It isn't as simple as just doing more of what I already do. It is going out of my way, even a little, to make sure that She feels loved and desired and...
And She knows that it is only for Her. Not in spite of Her, nor because of Her, but simply for Her. Because what I feel cannot be held back, it guides my actions in a romantic, desirous, and thoroughly submissive manner.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Orgasm control from the Top
Orgasm Control is an interesting topic, as is "leading from below..."
A bit of background on this one is needed. PM (Pre-Mistress)My sweetness had developed a bit of a porn habit. And one of the thing that can happen when one develops such a habit is that your body begins to really like what YOU do when you do it, and forgets how to like the other things it can experience. Basically your cock and your hand become rather close friends... (he is no longer allowed to watch any porn, or to touch himself unless I tell him to)
This was the case with My love. Along with intermittent ED issues (google it! LMAO)We found that it was somewhat difficult to get him to respond the way I wanted him to respond. Now I do need to say, because it is important that it is known. The ED issues DO NOT bother Me at all. If he can't, he can't and there are only about 10,000 other ways to enjoy him. But when he CAN, but he can't cum when I want him to, because of the cock-hand-friendship thing (grins)... THAT is a problem. So We decided that it was time to retrain him. If he did not react the way I wanted, and was not able to cum when I want, then he does not get to.
The challenge is that since We are not yet living together (circumstances currently beyond our control, but not forever!) that means there are times when he has to go for a while, and it also that takes away one of the fun things We used to be able to do by phone and webcam. We do get together about twice a month (its never enough) and We are working our way towards being together all the time. Those times are always wonderful, but it means there is a lot of time apart, which is never easy.
Our "private phone time" was never an easy thing, because he is the father of young children and We will NEVER slip and let them see or hear anything inappropriate, and the lack of privacy leaves us limited times. But We have always found ways around it. So then We get to the point where he is not allowed to cum without Me... well for someone who PM (see above, LOL) used to cum daily, its a sacrifice.
The fact that We are not together always means that My sweetness (he's such a good boy!) often looks for extra ways he can surrender to Me from afar. He was so excited about the concept of retraining that he was going on and on and on about it. Begging Me to make him wait, make him suffer, over and over again. I understand that this is a big sacrifice for him , and the fact that it is a big sacrifice makes him very excited. But it got to the point where it was just TOO much to listen to anymore. So I scolded him.
Now here is the thing. Being excited about activities or lack there of, is great, but the excitement and begging got to the point where it stopped feeling like begging and felt more like an attempt to guide the "plan." THIS is a big No No. Since Tomio and I have a power release relationship, he does not get to guide the plan in any way. I am gentle and loving but I absolutely will not tolerate leading from below, even when it is done accidentally. So in scolding him, I told him that I did not want to hear another word about, because IF I decided I wanted to hear him cum, I was going to and it did not matter if he was waiting or not.
This made him very quiet and later very apologetic. But he stopped yammering about it, which was good. Then We had some unexpected phone play time... it was My intention to just play and leave him hungry. But... well...it was going so well and he was making the most lovely noises and the whim hit. I made him finish. Bad Mistress. HA! It is possible that a small part of it was done in spite of all the begging. It was not My intention. The bottom line remains that I am in charge. So it is what it is.
The best part is that his hunger was not gone for long! YAY! Now if only we can get thru til the next time. Sigh. I hate it when life is out of MY control.
A bit of background on this one is needed. PM (Pre-Mistress)My sweetness had developed a bit of a porn habit. And one of the thing that can happen when one develops such a habit is that your body begins to really like what YOU do when you do it, and forgets how to like the other things it can experience. Basically your cock and your hand become rather close friends... (he is no longer allowed to watch any porn, or to touch himself unless I tell him to)
This was the case with My love. Along with intermittent ED issues (google it! LMAO)We found that it was somewhat difficult to get him to respond the way I wanted him to respond. Now I do need to say, because it is important that it is known. The ED issues DO NOT bother Me at all. If he can't, he can't and there are only about 10,000 other ways to enjoy him. But when he CAN, but he can't cum when I want him to, because of the cock-hand-friendship thing (grins)... THAT is a problem. So We decided that it was time to retrain him. If he did not react the way I wanted, and was not able to cum when I want, then he does not get to.
The challenge is that since We are not yet living together (circumstances currently beyond our control, but not forever!) that means there are times when he has to go for a while, and it also that takes away one of the fun things We used to be able to do by phone and webcam. We do get together about twice a month (its never enough) and We are working our way towards being together all the time. Those times are always wonderful, but it means there is a lot of time apart, which is never easy.
Our "private phone time" was never an easy thing, because he is the father of young children and We will NEVER slip and let them see or hear anything inappropriate, and the lack of privacy leaves us limited times. But We have always found ways around it. So then We get to the point where he is not allowed to cum without Me... well for someone who PM (see above, LOL) used to cum daily, its a sacrifice.
The fact that We are not together always means that My sweetness (he's such a good boy!) often looks for extra ways he can surrender to Me from afar. He was so excited about the concept of retraining that he was going on and on and on about it. Begging Me to make him wait, make him suffer, over and over again. I understand that this is a big sacrifice for him , and the fact that it is a big sacrifice makes him very excited. But it got to the point where it was just TOO much to listen to anymore. So I scolded him.
Now here is the thing. Being excited about activities or lack there of, is great, but the excitement and begging got to the point where it stopped feeling like begging and felt more like an attempt to guide the "plan." THIS is a big No No. Since Tomio and I have a power release relationship, he does not get to guide the plan in any way. I am gentle and loving but I absolutely will not tolerate leading from below, even when it is done accidentally. So in scolding him, I told him that I did not want to hear another word about, because IF I decided I wanted to hear him cum, I was going to and it did not matter if he was waiting or not.
This made him very quiet and later very apologetic. But he stopped yammering about it, which was good. Then We had some unexpected phone play time... it was My intention to just play and leave him hungry. But... well...it was going so well and he was making the most lovely noises and the whim hit. I made him finish. Bad Mistress. HA! It is possible that a small part of it was done in spite of all the begging. It was not My intention. The bottom line remains that I am in charge. So it is what it is.
The best part is that his hunger was not gone for long! YAY! Now if only we can get thru til the next time. Sigh. I hate it when life is out of MY control.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The struggle to remain at the bottom
A while back, Mistress Delila and I identified a trend: The longer I go without seeing Her, the less loving and more stereotypical my daydreams and fantasies of Her become. The reason, at least as I can see it, is that it is actually impossible for a person to fantasize (an action in which we are entirely in control) and be without any control of the situation. One cannot be both submissive AND in total control of the situation, so fantasies of submission cannot actually be an exercise of submission.
As a corollary of this (call it Tomio's Law...yes, I'm THAT humble), it is difficult for a grown man to, constantly and without failing, be powerless. If for no other reason; then because I actually have to utilize personal agency on a daily basis. For example, when I go to work, I cannot wait for a directive for every single action. Even when She and I are together, She expects me to exercise my judgment on somethings (I think it would get VERY tiring to have to give me permission for everything).
So this brings me to something that is an ongoing issue (at this time, anyway). I have had trouble achieving orgasm when Mistress strokes me, so She made the decision that I will not be able to have an orgasm on my own. Not only am I fine with this, it is actually something that I have wanted for a long time. I've discovered that, while physically enjoyable, having an orgasm without Her being present is not emotionally satisfying and feels...well, it feels wrong.
I enjoy the feeling of being controlled, and the fact that I am now hungry for release continually (and that it is connected now to Her touch...swoon) reminds me nearly constantly that I am owned. Which I love. It is, literally, a dream come true for me.
The problem is this: Some friends of mine are coming in from out of town, so our next visit is being postponed. Instead of going two weeks, it will now be almost exactly a month. Again, I'm fine with this. I'm reasonably sure I can make it without any sort of...involuntary issue.
Where this becomes a problem is that I really want to make sure that Mistress makes me wait. Which, in effect, means that I want to control this. It isn't easy to let go of control when something you really crave is tossed into your lap. The paradox is that the more I try to control it, the less likely it is to happen. Since it is often on my mind, I find myself bringing it up with Mistress when we talk. This, in effect, is also trying to influence Her, and therefore control Her.
Yesterday She scolded me for this, and rightfully so. This constant yammering about it is not remaining submissive and accepting of Her decisions. I even questioned whether I am writing this because I would like to get further input and conversation on this as a larger issue or whether it, too, is an underhanded way to try and push Her. Ultimately, since self-deception can't be dispelled on one's own, I don't really know.
So I have this struggle to remain submissive...I want Her to know how much of a gift every single day of hunger is for me. I want Her to know that I am grateful and thankful and hopeful...and to do all of this without trying to push one way or the other. I need this to be entirely Her decision (and I know it will be).
I think I must simply trust Her. There is nothing here that will be a surprise to Her. She knows how I feel and She knows how important this is to me. I normally do not struggle with remaining silent and following Her commands...it just seems odd that the place I struggle with most is the place where I get what I actually want.
(Note: This post was reviewed by, approved by, and POSTED BY Mistress Delila)
As a corollary of this (call it Tomio's Law...yes, I'm THAT humble), it is difficult for a grown man to, constantly and without failing, be powerless. If for no other reason; then because I actually have to utilize personal agency on a daily basis. For example, when I go to work, I cannot wait for a directive for every single action. Even when She and I are together, She expects me to exercise my judgment on somethings (I think it would get VERY tiring to have to give me permission for everything).
So this brings me to something that is an ongoing issue (at this time, anyway). I have had trouble achieving orgasm when Mistress strokes me, so She made the decision that I will not be able to have an orgasm on my own. Not only am I fine with this, it is actually something that I have wanted for a long time. I've discovered that, while physically enjoyable, having an orgasm without Her being present is not emotionally satisfying and feels...well, it feels wrong.
I enjoy the feeling of being controlled, and the fact that I am now hungry for release continually (and that it is connected now to Her touch...swoon) reminds me nearly constantly that I am owned. Which I love. It is, literally, a dream come true for me.
The problem is this: Some friends of mine are coming in from out of town, so our next visit is being postponed. Instead of going two weeks, it will now be almost exactly a month. Again, I'm fine with this. I'm reasonably sure I can make it without any sort of...involuntary issue.
Where this becomes a problem is that I really want to make sure that Mistress makes me wait. Which, in effect, means that I want to control this. It isn't easy to let go of control when something you really crave is tossed into your lap. The paradox is that the more I try to control it, the less likely it is to happen. Since it is often on my mind, I find myself bringing it up with Mistress when we talk. This, in effect, is also trying to influence Her, and therefore control Her.
Yesterday She scolded me for this, and rightfully so. This constant yammering about it is not remaining submissive and accepting of Her decisions. I even questioned whether I am writing this because I would like to get further input and conversation on this as a larger issue or whether it, too, is an underhanded way to try and push Her. Ultimately, since self-deception can't be dispelled on one's own, I don't really know.
So I have this struggle to remain submissive...I want Her to know how much of a gift every single day of hunger is for me. I want Her to know that I am grateful and thankful and hopeful...and to do all of this without trying to push one way or the other. I need this to be entirely Her decision (and I know it will be).
I think I must simply trust Her. There is nothing here that will be a surprise to Her. She knows how I feel and She knows how important this is to me. I normally do not struggle with remaining silent and following Her commands...it just seems odd that the place I struggle with most is the place where I get what I actually want.
(Note: This post was reviewed by, approved by, and POSTED BY Mistress Delila)
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The Myth of the Submissive man
Ok, by Myth, I do not mean that that do not exist! They do, I own one and parade him around on My arm whenever I can.
The Myth I am talking about is the MISCONCEPTION THAT ALL SUBMISSIVE MEN ARE SPINELESS SISSIES. It is true, some are (and there is nothing wrong with that.) But that is not what it takes to be submissive.
Again, and if I have to keep saying it, I will vomit: THIS IS MY OPINION ONLY, I AM TALKING ABOUT OUR KINK AND AM IN NO WAY TRYING TO TELL ANYONE HOW TO BE A "TRUE" ANYTHING! (gag wretch heave- I hate having to say that over and over!If you are starting to feel like you might be offended, please just go away)
I like MEN, in fact I love men. And a manly, hunky, delicious man wearing a collar that I chose, well, THAT is something that does turn Me on. I told My sweet tomio that I often fantasized about a pet tiger. While I would never think about keeping a real wild animal as a pet, the CONCEPT is what appeals to Me. The idea of having someone who is My lamb, but would tear the world to bits to protect and serve Me is wonderful and magical. Taming the wild is part of the fantasy that feeds Me.
My sweet tomio is that tiger to Me. The angel of My heart, is not spineless. He does bend like bamboo in the breeze for Me, but to the rest of the world he is aggressive, sarcastic and strong. He is tall, broad, and bulky. He was in the Navy, he has never shrunken from a fight and he does NOT let the world walk all over him. I love that, more than I can express.
He and I have spoken a lot about it and the concept of Masculinity is an interesting one. He writes brilliantly on the topic. Is it possible to be masculine and submissive? OF COURSE it is! In fact, I have no interest in the spineless, sissy sort, and in MY (Our) world, panties are for ME only. I am not even sure that I could use it as punishment, because a man in panties turns Me off. I do I find him the sexiest when he is collared and kneeling at My feet, looking up at Me with those lovely brown eyes, his wide shoulders and powerful arms glistening with sweat. He is submissive and has surrendered his control to Me. It's a beautiful thing. (watching him do push-ups for Me...well its like Domme "crack" to Me! LOL)
However, people NEED to understand that just because he is submissive, does not make him a brainless, gutless doormat. He does not get to check his balls and brains at the door! While I am in control of most of his life, he is still a functioning member of society and he is brilliant and amazing man. He still has to use his brain and does not get to use his submissiveness as an excuse. On the rare occasion that he makes a poor choice, he has to explain to Me WHY he did what he did, and we examine it together. There have been times when he was frustrated or felt pressured and he snapped or growled at Me. I quickly remind him that he is property, and that reminder soothes and calms him. The fact that he is property does not degrade him or make him any less. He finds comfort in it, and I can actually SEE how much it calms and settles him. Being submissive to Me does not take anything away from him, it only adds to his comfort and his happiness.
In the past, I have had potential submissives react poorly to the Respect Protocol (Yes Mistress, No thank you Mistress, etc). The most memorable was "I am a military man. I can't be like that, I am no kiss ass pussy" WHAT?? Ummm hello? are you not required to use the same protocol in the army? Dumb-ass. Oh that's right...that was with a MAN. A manly man can respect another manly man, but not a WOMAN. I see. Yeah I see that he was not worthy of serving Me!
So why is it that a man can respect a man, but not a woman without losing his masculinity? I actually think the military ADDS to the fucked up thoughts about masculinity. The subordinates are told over and over that they are slime, and they are not encouraged to think, just do as they are told. They have it drilled into their heads that they are "girls" or "ladies" and not worth the time to yell at them. So god-forbid, they be respectful to a woman! HA!
At this point, I could launch into a long discussion of how men have systematically taken the power from women. But this is not the time or place for that one. I don't claim to have all the answers...but I sure would like to know that people are at least THINKING about the questions, and looking at the world around them.
If it is your nature to be so, its OK to be submissive. If you find the right person, and let your true self out, it can and will be a BEAUTIFUL thing! The magic that My tomio and I have in our relationship is that we are TRULY ourselves now. It just feels so good and so real. I am grateful for it, every day!
The Myth I am talking about is the MISCONCEPTION THAT ALL SUBMISSIVE MEN ARE SPINELESS SISSIES. It is true, some are (and there is nothing wrong with that.) But that is not what it takes to be submissive.
Again, and if I have to keep saying it, I will vomit: THIS IS MY OPINION ONLY, I AM TALKING ABOUT OUR KINK AND AM IN NO WAY TRYING TO TELL ANYONE HOW TO BE A "TRUE" ANYTHING! (gag wretch heave- I hate having to say that over and over!If you are starting to feel like you might be offended, please just go away)
I like MEN, in fact I love men. And a manly, hunky, delicious man wearing a collar that I chose, well, THAT is something that does turn Me on. I told My sweet tomio that I often fantasized about a pet tiger. While I would never think about keeping a real wild animal as a pet, the CONCEPT is what appeals to Me. The idea of having someone who is My lamb, but would tear the world to bits to protect and serve Me is wonderful and magical. Taming the wild is part of the fantasy that feeds Me.
My sweet tomio is that tiger to Me. The angel of My heart, is not spineless. He does bend like bamboo in the breeze for Me, but to the rest of the world he is aggressive, sarcastic and strong. He is tall, broad, and bulky. He was in the Navy, he has never shrunken from a fight and he does NOT let the world walk all over him. I love that, more than I can express.
He and I have spoken a lot about it and the concept of Masculinity is an interesting one. He writes brilliantly on the topic. Is it possible to be masculine and submissive? OF COURSE it is! In fact, I have no interest in the spineless, sissy sort, and in MY (Our) world, panties are for ME only. I am not even sure that I could use it as punishment, because a man in panties turns Me off. I do I find him the sexiest when he is collared and kneeling at My feet, looking up at Me with those lovely brown eyes, his wide shoulders and powerful arms glistening with sweat. He is submissive and has surrendered his control to Me. It's a beautiful thing. (watching him do push-ups for Me...well its like Domme "crack" to Me! LOL)
However, people NEED to understand that just because he is submissive, does not make him a brainless, gutless doormat. He does not get to check his balls and brains at the door! While I am in control of most of his life, he is still a functioning member of society and he is brilliant and amazing man. He still has to use his brain and does not get to use his submissiveness as an excuse. On the rare occasion that he makes a poor choice, he has to explain to Me WHY he did what he did, and we examine it together. There have been times when he was frustrated or felt pressured and he snapped or growled at Me. I quickly remind him that he is property, and that reminder soothes and calms him. The fact that he is property does not degrade him or make him any less. He finds comfort in it, and I can actually SEE how much it calms and settles him. Being submissive to Me does not take anything away from him, it only adds to his comfort and his happiness.
In the past, I have had potential submissives react poorly to the Respect Protocol (Yes Mistress, No thank you Mistress, etc). The most memorable was "I am a military man. I can't be like that, I am no kiss ass pussy" WHAT?? Ummm hello? are you not required to use the same protocol in the army? Dumb-ass. Oh that's right...that was with a MAN. A manly man can respect another manly man, but not a WOMAN. I see. Yeah I see that he was not worthy of serving Me!
So why is it that a man can respect a man, but not a woman without losing his masculinity? I actually think the military ADDS to the fucked up thoughts about masculinity. The subordinates are told over and over that they are slime, and they are not encouraged to think, just do as they are told. They have it drilled into their heads that they are "girls" or "ladies" and not worth the time to yell at them. So god-forbid, they be respectful to a woman! HA!
At this point, I could launch into a long discussion of how men have systematically taken the power from women. But this is not the time or place for that one. I don't claim to have all the answers...but I sure would like to know that people are at least THINKING about the questions, and looking at the world around them.
If it is your nature to be so, its OK to be submissive. If you find the right person, and let your true self out, it can and will be a BEAUTIFUL thing! The magic that My tomio and I have in our relationship is that we are TRULY ourselves now. It just feels so good and so real. I am grateful for it, every day!
Friday, March 9, 2012
My mythological life
In 1992, Bruce Keith (and five or six of his colleagues) published was has become a staple of political science education: The Myth of the Independent Voter. What they found is that, while a lot of people say they are independent, they really aren't. They are partisan voters who are not actively part of the party apparatus. A secondary finding was that these "independents" tend to be very low-information voters (meaning they don't know much about what the election is about).
To talk about the myth of the “submissive man,” I think we have the observed relationship. Not many men openly identify this way, but there are (probably) a ton of them out there. They are low-information submissives who vote the party line, so to speak, but they don't know what the election is about. Interpreted: They follow their wife/girlfriend/whatever's lead, but they don’t walk around saying, “I’m submissive and sexy!” Heck, they probably aren't even aware of BDSM as a lifestyle (other than a quick jerk on a porn site), so they can't very well say they are something they aren't even aware exists.
At its heart, submission is simply allowing one’s partner to lead. It is being able to follow and accept directions/orders. There is no organization on earth that can function without nearly every single member agreeing to submit – there can only be one man or woman at the top of the hierarchy. In some groups, like the military, the hierarchy is formalized down to the last detail. In others, it is more informal. But every group is made up primarily of those who submit; who follow; who obey.
Submission is to put someone else’s desires before one’s own. It is saying, “I want to do this. But I know that doing this will make Her happy, so I will choose to do that.” Every relationship in the world enjoys this dynamic to some degree. To claim that it isn’t is to say that a relationship can have one party who says, in effect, “I don’t care what that other person wants. I’m going to do what I enjoy.”
What sets D/s lifestyles apart is the degree to which one person follows. Mistress Delila and I have decided that we will be happiest when I can be my authentic submissive self and follow Her direction as near to all the time as is possible. I find this incredibly fulfilling. Because we are both able to do this from a place of authenticity, we have found that the relationship we have built is bigger than the individual parts of it.
I feel that I have to assure everyone that this is not an abusive relationship. I can consistently push Her needs to the top of my agenda because I know that She will not let my needs go unmet entirely. I will receive what I need from Her, and She enjoys my happiness enough to make sure I find plenty of pleasure in serving Her. This is not, “I have no needs because I exist only to serve Her.” This is, “I choose to ignore my needs in favor of Hers, because I know I am safe and loved and I will not be made to do without.”
I know there are plenty of guys out there who let the woman in their life watch the checkbook and bank balance. There are plenty of guys who let the woman in their life dress them. There are plenty of guys out there who are more comfortable with the woman in their life initiating sex than doing it on their own. There are plenty of guys who let the woman in their life dictate their diet, their exercise regimen, and pretty nearly every other facet of their life. You probably live on the same block as one. Here’s a hint – they’re the happy one (okay – not always).
The problem is that these men don’t think of what they are doing as being “submissive” because our culture tells us that submission is wrong and what they are doing simply can’t be wrong because it keeps them in a happy relationship. Well, it’s time to change that paradigm. It’s time that the myth of the submissive man became the reality of the submissive man. Men should not feel like they have to choose between being “a real man” and living their authentic sexual identity. I don’t think all men are natural submissive or that women are naturally superior – quite the opposite. But I do think that the healthy and natural submissiveness of the less-fairer sex should be just as welcomed and appreciated as any other aspect of masculinity.
I’m not a myth, and if my submissiveness threatens some pinhead’s sense of masculinity; then they need to get over it. Because I’m not giving up my happily-ever-after.
To talk about the myth of the “submissive man,” I think we have the observed relationship. Not many men openly identify this way, but there are (probably) a ton of them out there. They are low-information submissives who vote the party line, so to speak, but they don't know what the election is about. Interpreted: They follow their wife/girlfriend/whatever's lead, but they don’t walk around saying, “I’m submissive and sexy!” Heck, they probably aren't even aware of BDSM as a lifestyle (other than a quick jerk on a porn site), so they can't very well say they are something they aren't even aware exists.
At its heart, submission is simply allowing one’s partner to lead. It is being able to follow and accept directions/orders. There is no organization on earth that can function without nearly every single member agreeing to submit – there can only be one man or woman at the top of the hierarchy. In some groups, like the military, the hierarchy is formalized down to the last detail. In others, it is more informal. But every group is made up primarily of those who submit; who follow; who obey.
Submission is to put someone else’s desires before one’s own. It is saying, “I want to do this. But I know that doing this will make Her happy, so I will choose to do that.” Every relationship in the world enjoys this dynamic to some degree. To claim that it isn’t is to say that a relationship can have one party who says, in effect, “I don’t care what that other person wants. I’m going to do what I enjoy.”
What sets D/s lifestyles apart is the degree to which one person follows. Mistress Delila and I have decided that we will be happiest when I can be my authentic submissive self and follow Her direction as near to all the time as is possible. I find this incredibly fulfilling. Because we are both able to do this from a place of authenticity, we have found that the relationship we have built is bigger than the individual parts of it.
I feel that I have to assure everyone that this is not an abusive relationship. I can consistently push Her needs to the top of my agenda because I know that She will not let my needs go unmet entirely. I will receive what I need from Her, and She enjoys my happiness enough to make sure I find plenty of pleasure in serving Her. This is not, “I have no needs because I exist only to serve Her.” This is, “I choose to ignore my needs in favor of Hers, because I know I am safe and loved and I will not be made to do without.”
I know there are plenty of guys out there who let the woman in their life watch the checkbook and bank balance. There are plenty of guys who let the woman in their life dress them. There are plenty of guys out there who are more comfortable with the woman in their life initiating sex than doing it on their own. There are plenty of guys who let the woman in their life dictate their diet, their exercise regimen, and pretty nearly every other facet of their life. You probably live on the same block as one. Here’s a hint – they’re the happy one (okay – not always).
The problem is that these men don’t think of what they are doing as being “submissive” because our culture tells us that submission is wrong and what they are doing simply can’t be wrong because it keeps them in a happy relationship. Well, it’s time to change that paradigm. It’s time that the myth of the submissive man became the reality of the submissive man. Men should not feel like they have to choose between being “a real man” and living their authentic sexual identity. I don’t think all men are natural submissive or that women are naturally superior – quite the opposite. But I do think that the healthy and natural submissiveness of the less-fairer sex should be just as welcomed and appreciated as any other aspect of masculinity.
I’m not a myth, and if my submissiveness threatens some pinhead’s sense of masculinity; then they need to get over it. Because I’m not giving up my happily-ever-after.
Monday, February 13, 2012
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